


Orange Sky

by vinventure12



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: All the drama and fluff, Ben Solo has heart failure, Dirty Talk, F/M, Finn is Ben's best friend, First Time Blow Jobs, He was not a nice caretaker, Oral Sex, Poe is her older brother, Return to ME, Rey is the architectural engineer, Rey lived with Unkar from when she was 7 to 11, Rough Sex, Soft Ben Solo, Vaginal Sex, mature language, reylo au, smut comes later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2019-10-22 18:13:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 119,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17667599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vinventure12/pseuds/vinventure12
Summary: Reylo AU/Return to Me: Ben Solo, plagued with a failing heart since the age of eleven, hopes for a second chance at life by receiving a new heart at thirty. Rey, an architectural engineer, has to learn to come to terms with her older brother's sudden death. As the two meet and fall in love, will their relationship survive once Rey finds out whose heart is beating within Ben's chest?





	1. Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! This is the first time I'm posting something on this site. I posted a story on FF.net, and if you have time, you should check it out. It's a Reylo story that takes place after The Force Awakens called The Space Between Stars under the same name I have here, VinVenture12.
> 
> This new story here is a Reylo AU/Return To Me movie based. If you haven't seen the movie, I highly recommend it. The beginning of the story is heavily based on the movie and script, so I want to put a disclaimer out that I do not own Return to Me and all writing credit goes to Bonnie Hunt and Donald Lake. Some of the dialogue is straight from the movie, some is my own. I do veer off from the plot of the movie, and you'll probably see where I start to do this in this chapter.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Looking out over the bustling city of Chicago, Rey was warmed by the glow of the setting sun. Closing her eyes, she breathed in deeply, listening to the distant sounds of car horns intermingling with the construction below.

Rey reveled in the soreness of her muscles and the weight of her tired bones, but she wouldn't have it any other way. Being an architectural engineer and owning her own company at 29, she was accustomed to working hard and pushing her body beyond the point of exhaustion.

If she didn't feel the fatigue down to her marrow, had she really accomplished anything that day? Plus, she saved a pretty penny by not wasting it on a gym membership. The labor-intensive work she performed on the daily kept her lean and strong, her arms and abdominals like something out of a sculpture.

She was lucky, blessed with health and a well-paying job. Growing up hadn't been easy, and getting to this point had taken grit, but she was here. And she was thankful.

Rey opened her eyes, squinting as she gazed up at the orange tendrils stretching across the blue sky. "Shame we have to put roof's on 'em," she muttered to herself.

A year ago, Rey had won the bid to build a high-rise that would house condos and businesses. With only the steel framework and floors installed, the project was still months from completion. But it was all coming together, and Rey was miraculously staying on schedule.

Knock on wood. Or steel, as was the case.

She walked along the high beams with ease as she made her way to the service elevator.

"It's looking good, Snap," she yelled to the guy on one of the lower beams. "I'm outta here!"

Snap glanced up, keeping hold of his hard hat so it stayed in place. "Okay, Rey. Have fun tonight."

She gave him a quick wave. "Always do."

()()()()()

The Lincoln Park Zoo was usually a cacophony of noise, a tumult of hoots, roars and screeches. Animals paced up and down in their enclosures, and people always crowded the tiger's den to watch it attack the rump of a cow thrown in at feeding time.

But at 4:15 in the afternoon, fifteen minutes past closing, all the visitors had left, the zoo now mostly void of humans. Only the employees remained. One of them in particular stood in front of a paned glass enclosure in the primate section, his dark brown eyes watching the 300 pound gorilla as it played on the jungle gym. Grabbing his phone from his lab coat pocket, Dr. Poe Dameron checked the time, knowing he was running behind.

He texted Rey that he would be leaving in twenty minutes, reminding her to pick up his tux from the dry cleaners on her way home.

When Poe looked back up, he saw that Shara had made her way over to him. Poe used sign language and pointed at the assortment of food below, encouraging her to eat. But she just sat, watching him.

Hurried footsteps came from the end of the hall. Dr. Kaydel Connix was jogging through the Primate House, her white doctors coat flourishing behind her.

She slowed and came to a stop once she got closer. "I had a suspicion I'd find you here," she said in between breaths. Kay turned and waved at the inquisitive gorilla. "Hey Shara." Shara waved in greeting. Kaydel turned her attention back to Poe. "I need your signature to change the Polar's diet," she explained as she handed the clipboard over. "And it's almost 4:30, I'll check on the calf. You just go home and get ready and let me take care of the final rounds."

"But I was going to –"

"No," Kaydel cut him off and pointed to the exit. "Leave and show off that pretty face of yours to some rich people so we can get some donations rolling into this place."

Poe gave a half-hearted solute. "Aye aye, Connix." He scribbled his signature along the appropriate line and gave the paperwork back to her. But he couldn't leave without one last look at Shara.

She'd only been a couple weeks old when she arrived at the zoo, sick and malnourished, unable to fend for herself. Poe had been assigned her case and basically lived at the medical center during those first few weeks. Everyone thought she wouldn't make it, that she was too close to death. But not Poe. Something in the primate's eyes reminded him of his mother when she'd gone through breast cancer. There was strength and defiance in both their souls, which was why Poe named the gorilla after her.

It was never a part of the plan for Shara to stay at the zoo permanently. Lincoln Park prided itself in not just being a zoo, but also a rehabilitation center, placing around 80% of the animals they received back into the wild. But after a certain amount of time, there were those rare cases where if put back in their natural habitat, the animal wouldn't have the capability to survive. They became too acclimated to humans taking care of them.

Shara was one of those animals. But even though this place had become her home, her hefty size had quickly outgrown the tight space.

"Look at her, Kay," Poe said with a disapproving shake of his head. "We'd go nuts in a place this small."

"I know, but we're getting there." Kay put her hand on Poe's shoulder, giving it a squeeze. "Pour on the guilt in your speech, show the pictures. I'm sure that will tug on a few of their heart strings."

"And hopefully their wallets."

Before leaving, Poe signed to Shara to eat her food and that he'd see her tomorrow. He put his hands on the glass, and Shara jumped up so she could mirror the gesture.

As Kay and Poe walked down the corridor, he asked, "So, who you bringing tonight?"

She shrugged. "Haven't decided yet. Still got two hours."

Poe stopped. "Wait. You still don't have a date? Who's going to go with you on such short notice?"

Kaydel's smile was slow and mischievous. "I have a few men on speed dial."

"And they'd drop everything for you?" Poe eyed her skeptically.

"Only the ones who want to have a good time tonight."

Poe rolled his eyes and continued walking, pushing the double doors open for them to get outside. "Please, spare me the details."

Kay chuckled softly. "Hey, whatever happened to that one guy who was interviewing to be in charge of the Feline House? We could sure use more help around here."

"I offered him the job, but he had to decline. Something to do with his health."

"You gonna hire someone else?"

"I don't know. He was the only one who had the proper schooling to handle it. But it's driving me nuts being this understaffed."

Kay nudged him with her shoulder. "Just think how more money would help solve that problem."

"Which is why my smile will be on full display tonight. Promise."

()()()()()

Unlocking the deadbolt, Rey quickly stepped into the quaint entryway, an orange-white Pomeranian darting inside. Both her and the small dog were soaking wet, the weather channel having said nothing about a thunderstorm hitting the city.

Rey undid the leash and told BB to eat the food she'd put into his bowl before their walk. But BB plopped down by the door, eyes fixated on the entrance, not even attempting to saunter over to the kitchen.

Whatever.

BB was Poe's dog anyway.

Taking off her boots toe to heel, Rey stripped off her cardigan and socks, leaving the wet mess behind. She skittered across the hardwood floors barefoot, hitting the staircase at a jog.

Inspecting her hair in the bathroom, she prayed that a quick blow-dry would help bring it back to life. She had thirty minutes to make herself presentable.

And where the hell was Poe? This was his charitable gala he was taking her to. When would her brother learn to be on time to anything?

Five minutes later and her hair as poofy and ratchet as Selma Bouvier from the Simpson's, Rey heard the front door open downstairs, Poe giving out a string of curses.

"Rey?"

"Up here," she yelled down to him.

Taking the straightener to her hair, Rey listened to her brother's hurried footsteps. She looked at his reflection as he stood in the doorway.

"Did you –"

"Your tux is hanging in your closet."

Relief flooded his face. "Oh, thank god."

He disappeared, hurrying to his room that was situated next to hers. "Uh, thank me, you disorganized asshole," she called after him.

"Have I told you lately how you're the best sister ever?" he yelled back.

"No."

"Well, you're the best!"

Some light foundation, blush, eyeliner, and a couple of coats of mascara later, and Rey finally looked decent enough to be out in public. Her flattened hair was styled half up, half down, nothing special or ornate. It was all she had time to do.

Poe walked into her bathroom, looking at himself in the mirror as he went through the intricacies of tying a bowtie. "I thought you'd be ready by now," he said, noticing the jeans and shirt she still had on.

"You told me to take BB on a walk," Rey countered accusingly. "And then it started pouring on our way home, hence why I had to re-do my hair and makeup."

"You look fine like that. You don't need anything else."

Rey rolled her eyes and muttered, "Spoken like a true man."

Spraying her hair with extra strength hairspray, she moved onto the next step of getting into her dress. It was a white, mid length dress with an uneven hem and double-lined fabric. It hugged her in all the right places, and Poe let out a whistle as she put on her matching white pumps.

"You look gorgeous," he complimented. "I'm gonna have to play guard duty against all the men that'll no doubt hit on you."

"Ha. Ha. You don't look too bad yourself." Poe grinned, but it didn't quite make it to his eyes. Rey stepped up to him, adjusting his bowtie. "Nervous?"

"Nervous? Why would I be nervous about talking in front of hundreds of people, asking them for donations while trying not to outright beg for their money?"

She brushed at his shoulders and jacket, evening out any creases. "You're gonna do fine. Not a single person has ever been able to resist your charm. Which reminds me, you should go use it to get BB to eat. He won't listen to me."

They glanced down at the dog that was basically Poe's shadow whenever he was home. "BB, honey. Eat."

BB darted out of the room and headed to the kitchen. Rey narrowed her eyes at Poe. He gave her a sheepish shrug. "He's used to me, that's all."

"He hates me."

"I spend all day with an Ape and I'm a veterinarian. What else can I say? Animals just love me."

()()()()()

On a large projector screen at the International Ambassador Hotel, slide after slide was shown of Shara, one of them being her eating a large dish of pasta, leaving a mess all over her black fur.

The audience – clothed in black and white tuxes and elegant dresses – laughed politely at the images. Most were giving their undivided attention to the presentation, being respectful. Acting like mature adults. But some were incapable of leaving their food alone for more than five minutes just to pay attention. Then there were the ones whose faces were illuminated by the screen of their phones, probably perusing social media.

The annual Animal Rights to Survive – ARTS, for short – had once again attracted Chicago's upper crust and young hopefuls. Typical of some rich people, they were only here for show, their impatience more than noticeable.

Rey wanted to wring their necks for not giving Poe the deference he deserved.

"As you can see in this photo of Shara, she is sometimes too much like humans," Poe joked about the mess Shara had made of her food.

The occupants of the ballroom laughed, charmed by her brother's charisma. Rey smiled, feeling proud of how far her brother had come.

In the beginning, after Poe's parents Shara and Kess had adopted her from a London orphanage, Rey's life had been everything she dreamed of. Parents who doted on her, who chose her and made her want for nothing. She didn't need to worry about fighting other kids for more food, or throwing punches whenever someone stole her one and only blanket. She didn't have to wake up knowing that no one had wanted her.

Because now, someone did.

She had met Shara first. Even though Rey was a quiet, skinny little thing, Shara was instantly drawn to her. Rey never understood why, even when Shara tried to explain that Rey felt like hers the instant she laid eyes on her. At the time, Rey didn't really care why Shara and Kess wanted to adopt her. She just didn't want to be an orphan anymore.

Rey was given her forever home at the age of six. It had been the best day of her life.

Getting used to Poe had been a little difficult, though.

He was ten years older than her, which meant they had very little in common. At first, he'd been distant, not understanding why his parents were so driven to adopt some random girl in a country he didn't particularly like. But one night, two weeks after she moved in with them, she joined him in watching _The Breakfast Club_. From there, they binged watched one John Hughes movie after another, bonding over pop culture and films.

It was then she was blessed with an older brother.

The next picture appeared, this time of Rey and Shara. Rey's eyes grew wide. Poe hadn't told her she would be in his presentation.

"Over the last ten years, Shara has become part of the family. Here, she's showing her flash cards to my sister. My sister is the one on the left."

More laughter. Rey sunk down in her chair and crossed her arms, staring daggers at the brother she was now preparing to disown. Poe gave her a quick smile. Rey stuck out her tongue.

"Tonight I was hoping I'd be able to announce that we've reached our financial goals for the expansion we so desperately need, but unfortunately, we were not awarded the grant."

Murmurs of disgust and disappointment went through the crowd.

"But with one more year of fundraising, along with the money we've raised tonight, Lincoln Park Zoo will soon be able to expand Primate House to triple its size." Poe paused, waiting for the applause to dissipate. "And I assure you my dear friend Shara and her family are very excited for construction to begin."

The next picture on the screen was of a group of gorillas, all wearing hard hats. The attendees gave out a mixture of 'ahhhhs' and chuckles.

"Thank you all for your tremendous support. Enjoy the evening."

Poe received a generous round of applause as he left the stage, letting the last picture of Shara shine on the swaying screen. The conductor for the evening got up to say a few words before giving the DJ the go ahead to start the evening with some music.

Rey hurried over to the side of the stage, throwing her arms around Poe and congratulating him on the presentation, all thoughts of renouncing him as her brother forgotten.

"Be honest, how bad was I."

"Bad? You had all these people wrapped around your finger. They were laughing at everyth–"

"The Lion Sleeps Tonight" suddenly came on over the speakers, and Poe gave Rey a playful look, waggling his brows. "No," Rey protested as Poe grabbed her hand, dragging her to the dance floor.

"Oh, yeah. As a veterinarian, it would be criminal if I didn't at least sway to this song."

"Then sway alone."

Poe jutted out his lower lip, his chin starting to quiver as he somehow made his eyes gloss over. Rey shook her head, trying to fight off the grin that was taking over her mouth.

Sighing, she gave in. "You're impossible."

Poe cheered, and Rey didn't resist as he guided her to the slightly raised dance floor.

()()()()()

On the other side of the city at St. Mary's Hospital, a man lied in a hospital bed, his skin hanging off long bones, his pallor color giving off the inevitability of death. A well cared for flower bloomed on the nightstand to his left, and behind it, a small easel held a half finished watercolor of a lion. Posters of famous European cities and various animals lined the walls, the homeyness of it making it evident to any visitor that he'd been in this room for at least a month or so.

Ben Solo was no stranger to hospitals, but that didn't mean he liked being in one.

Growing up, his early childhood had actually been pretty normal, considering his mother's life in politics and his dad's career as an Air Force pilot. They did everything they could to not have him lead a spoiled life: public schools, sports, an allowance if he finished his chores, and teaching him to cook, clean, and do his own laundry.

But when he was eleven, he collapsed while in the middle of playing a youth football game. Next thing he knew, he was waking up in a white hospital room, tubes sticking out of him, his mother and father at his side.

He'd gone into cardiac arrest.

At the age of eleven.

After a string of tests, he was diagnosed with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, a genetic condition that caused the heart muscles to thicken and affect the pumping action of the heart.

He spent his life up until this point on beta blockers, calcium channel blockers, diuretics, and so on. For a long time, they helped alleviate the chest pain, shortness of breath, and heart palpitations.

At thirteen, he had a myomectomy performed to surgically reduce the obstruction of the left ventricle.

At seventeen, an internal cardioverter defibrillator (ICD) was placed in his chest, its job to monitor and deliver a shock to his heart if a life threatening rhythm was detected.

Those years of medications and surgeries forced him to be homeschooled and to give up any modicum of strenuous physical activity.

With nothing else to do but study, he finished high school at sixteen and somehow convinced his parents to let him go to college. His mother bought an apartment close to the University of Illinois where they could live together. She even hired a nurse to be with him whenever he went on campus, which had irked Ben, but he learned to let it go. He knew how much stress being in college put on his mother, that giving up even a modicum of control was out of her nature.

So as long as he got his degree, he'd do whatever she wanted.

"Is it most important that a woman is, A: Polite to your family and friends? B: Can handle finances well? Or C: Will take care of you when you are ill?" Finn, Ben's best friend since they'd met in the pediatrics ward at the age of eleven, tapped the magazine with his pen. "Well, I guess your answer is definitely C." Finn checked a box, and Ben smiled.

The two of them had been inseparable since they met all those years ago. Plagued with leukemia, Finn frequented the hospital more often than Ben had when they were younger. But through their love of drawing and the threat of death just around the corner, they became close. They were like family. Like brothers.

The only difference between them was that Finn got better, while Ben got worse.

"What do you expect most from a relationship? A: Companionship? B: Sex? C: Respect? I'd have to go with B, sex. But let's mark C so we get a higher score. Look at me, being pathetic and cheating on a Cosmopolitan quiz."

"If you want to talk pathetic, I'm laying here pretending to understand why you'd pick B. But seeing how I'm in my thirties and still a virgin –" Ben winced, a sharp pang in his chest causing his breathing to become raspier.

Finn shot to his feet, leaning over the bed so he could hear Ben better. "What? What is it? What d'ya need? Your back? Move the pillow? Your neck?"

Ben took in a deep breath, the pain subsiding with the help of all the meds he was on. "You should… pick B. This quiz is for me, after all."

Finn chuckled through his nose. "Don't worry," he said, getting the water and positioning the straw between Ben's lips. It took a great amount of effort just for Ben to drink. "When you're all better and out of this joint, we'll find you a nice girl to have a good time with." He went back to sitting in his chair, grabbing the magazine. "And since you're the boss, we'll change your answer to B."

"Thanks," Ben said on a heavy exhale.

"Should I bill you for my services directly, or just go straight to your mother?"

Ben's laugh was a cross between a weak cough and a hiccup. "Finn, you can go home, ya know."

"To what?" Finn picked up the remote and fired up the TV, pretending to be enamored with an episode of Bones. "I don't have cable, you do."

"What about Rose and the kids?"

"She likes me more when I'm not around. And the kids like me a lot more after they've been alone with Rose." Finn smoothed out a crease in Ben's blanket. "It's good for her to be with the kids when they're coming down from the sugar. She usually fuels 'em up and then they go through detox on my shift."

Having an unconventional family dynamic, Finn stayed home with the three kids while Rose worked as a biomechanical engineer. Both positions worked for them since Finn was naturally more nurturing and Rose was more structured and career driven. They formed a system they liked, but every once in a while, Finn needed a break from fatherly duties. During those times, he'd come hang out with Ben, whether that be at his house or in his hospital room.

The door opened and in walked Dr. Kalonia, Ben's chart in hand. "Gentlemen," she greeted.

"Hey, Doc," Ben offered weakly.

The doctor went to switch places with Finn. He moved out of the way, careful not to knock into any of the I.V. stands or monitors; they've done this dance a million times already.

Dr. Kalonia talked as she scanned over Ben's chart and monitors. "You're about the same, hematocrit 16, SMA 20…. Some things are a bit low, but that's to be expected. We're entering borrowed time. The most important thing now Ben is rest, you need to rest." She tucked the chart under her arm before patting Ben's shoulder. "I'll see you tomorrow."

As the doctor went for the exit, Finn said derisively, "Doctor, why don't you give him your heart? You're not using it."

Finn held Dr. Kalonia in a stare off, the air growing tense. Then the doctor smiled, nodded, and said, "Have a good evening."

Ben waited for the doctor to leave before scolding Finn with a harsh syllable of his name.

"What?" Finn argued. "I wish she'd do… something."

"She can't," Ben countered. "Even if a heart's available, they won't give it to me. I just have my mom pressuring them. I have no wife, no kids. I think we all need to accept that I won't be getting a heart."

"Listen, Tin Man, you've got me. I'm pressuring them."

"Thanks, Finn."

"And can't your mom call up some of her connections? She was a senator, for goodness sake."

"I told her no special treatment. Being a former senator's son doesn't make me special."

Finn started fixing Ben's bed sheets again, a habit Ben had come to recognize as Finn being nervous and emotional. How was it he was the one dying and he couldn't even muster up a few tears?

Probably because he always knew his life would eventually lead to this, dying in a hospital bed, hooked up to a catheter and having a nurse clean his bedpan and wipe his ass every time he took a shit.

"You'll get a new heart," Finn said through a tight throat, placing the blanket under Ben's chin, "and before you know it, you'll be back on your patio, painting after long hours of working at the zoo. You'll be getting asked out by the most fantastic girls."

"I'm getting a new heart, not a hundred pounds of muscle."

"My point is, you'll be out doing things you were never able to do, like lifting weights, traveling, cleaning up animal poop. Livin' the dream."

Ben blinked. "It's too late, Finn. I'm too old. I'm thirty-one. My grandmother's heart gave up by twenty-five, a year after having my mom and uncle. I've been sick too long…" Ben's voice cracked, his voice lowering, eyes pleading. "Promise me you'll look after Leia. After the divorce, my dad doesn't come around that much anymore…."

"Thirty-one is not old," Finn lectured. "If it was, then that would mean I'm old, and do you consider me old?"

"Yes."

"Fucker."

"I wish." Finn laughed. Ben didn't. "I guess that's one thing I regret the most, never being healthy enough to have sex. Or, well, being in a relationship. I've never even been on a date." Ben paused as he thought something over. "You know, on second thought, change my answer on the quiz to companionship."

Finn picked up Ben's hand, palming it between his own, getting all serious. "I know you feel like you aren't going to make it. I remember feeling that way too, that there was no hope. But you can't give into that feeling. You have to keep fighting."

"If only there was chemo for a shitty heart."

"There is. It's called a transplant."


	2. Miracles and Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ARTS dinner continues, tragedy strikes, and Ben gets a second chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for leaving kudos and comments! It all means so much to me that you're giving this story a chance. Hope you enjoy the chapter!

Back at the Ambassador Hotel, the night was in full swing, the dance floor filled with well-oiled guests that were clearly having a good time.

With two drinks in hand, Rey carefully moved away from the bar, hoping to avoid any conversations with the 'stuffed shirts' in the crowd. Poe was holding up well against all the attention, brown nosing his way into everyone's wallets.

Rey emerged from a thick pocket of bodies only to see the long-winded Mr. Ackbar heading in her direction. Rey panicked, turning around only to be met with a brick wall of people, escape unattainable.

"Reyna. Reyna Dameron!" Mr. Ackbar called out. Rey tensed and turned to face Mr. Ackbar, a large, red faced elderly man whose features always reminded Rey of a catfish.

Rey did her best to fake surprise. "Oh, hi Mr. Ackbar. I didn't see you or I would have stopped and said hello."

"Poe's speech was wonderful," the old man said boisterously. Rey tried to ignore the bead of sweat that dripped down his temple and into his collar. "I suppose he told you about the sizable donation Mrs. Ackbar and I gave this year... Anonymously of course."

Rey nodded her head with a bit too much zeal. "Of course… very generous, as always." Lifting the glasses, she tried to indicate that she had somewhere to be. "I'll let Poe know you're here."

Rey turned to leave –

"We also gave quite a chunk to some rainforest gimmick."

Rey ground her molars before plastering on a polite smile. "Really?"

As Mr. Ackbar went on and on about how some charities were just scams out to steal your money, Rey spotted Poe also entangled in a brain-cells-are-dying kind of conversation. Their eyes met. Rey pleaded through her stare for him to come save her, and then put on a pout to make herself look even more pathetic.

Poe winked, but made no move to come to her aid.

Bastard.

"… Next thing I know, we're on a safari. Cute story, the Mrs. and I are out in the boonies –"

Kay and her dashing six foot, aloof-looking date walked by, and Rey jumped on the opportunity that presented itself. "Kaydel, hey!"

Kay glanced in Rey's direction and saw who she was stuck with, grinned, and kept walking. "Rey… Mr. Ackbar."

Before Kay could get away, Rey hooked their arms together and swerved her over. "Wait, Kay, don't you have some news for Mr. Ackbar here, don't ya?"

Kay's eyes grew wide, her mouth floundering. "I don't have any…"

Rey laughed, as though they were sharing an inside joke. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have ruined the surprise." Rey turned to Mr. Ackbar. "It's because of your donation and all… Kay's putting a picture of you in the monkey house."

Kay choked mid sip on her champagne.

Mr. Ackbar didn't notice the reaction, too overcome with flattery. "Really? Thank you, Kaydel. What a lovely surprise."

Kay gulped, miserably playing along. "Well, it's just a thought, I'd have to run it by Poe. He's the boss."

"Babe," Kay's date interjected, his eyes roaming around the place in disappointment. "I thought you said this dinner would have some art to look at or something."

"No," Kay tried to mutter with a smile, her tone annoyed. "I said this was an ARTS dinner… as in Animals Right to Survive. I've told you that about a dozen times."

"They could've at least put up some pictures of a lion or something. What's with the gorilla?"

Kay and Rey just stared at the man, Mr. Ackbar even joining in on being concerned over the man's inanity.

Rey saw this as an opening for her to leave. "You all obviously have a lot to discuss… and clarify."

Kay glared at her as she backed away, but Rey couldn't find it within herself to contain the relieved sigh that escaped from her lungs.

Across the ballroom, and unbeknownst to Rey, Poe handed the DJ a note and a twenty dollar bill, an agreement having just been made.

()()()()()

In the middle of adjusting Ben's nasal cannula for the twentieth time, Finn soothingly said, "Close your eyes, rest. I'll read you to sleep or tell you about my day. Either one'll knock you out."

Ben reluctantly shut his eyes. "I don't want to sleep."

Finn sat in his designated chair, shifting to get comfortable. "You heard what Dr. Congeniality said. You need to rest."

"Fine," Ben grumbled. "I'll rest, but I won't sleep."

There was a hiccup of silence. "Why not?" Finn asked gently.

"I'm… afraid to."

Finn's eyes stung, and he tried to make his voice as easy-breezy as possible. "Okay. Then we'll stay up. Have a slumber party without the slumbering."

Ben nodded weakly, tilting his head to get settled in.

Finn switched on the TV and hit the mute button, not really paying attention to the local news subtitles.

As much as Ben didn't want to sleep, he conked out in less than five minutes. He couldn't help it; his illness was now in control.

Looking over his body and face, Finn couldn't deny that he looked more like a corpse than a living human being. For being 6'3'', Ben was just bone, probably weighing in around 150 pounds. The color in his face had gone from pale, to an ashy looking grey.

The matte color of death.

The doctor wasn't kidding when she said Ben was on borrowed time. But did she have to say that to his face?

Finn remembered the way Ben looked when he was healthier. Well, he'd never been at full health, but he once looked as if he could pass like he was. He was in good enough shape to at least work part time at animal hospitals, trying to put his degree to good use.

It wasn't till three years ago, when Ben had been grocery shopping and collapsed in front of the produce, that things really took a nosedive.

That was counted as the third time Ben had gone into cardiac arrest, his ICD malfunctioning and doing nothing to help him. It was a miracle he survived, the doctors had told him. But something drastic needed to be done, or the chances of Ben making it to his 35th birthday were slim to none.

He was put on the transplant list. Three years later, and still no heart.

Denial was what drove Ben into applying for the job opening at Lincoln Park Zoo, his body tricking him into a false sense of health. But really, it was like his heart was giving him one last hoorah before it all went to shit.

Reality caught up with Ben, and he had to decline the job offer. It had broken Ben's spirit; Finn could tell.

Keeping his gaze on the rise and fall of Ben's chest, Finn reached into his pocket and pulled out a rosary. Silently, he prayed.

()()()()()

Rey tapped Poe on the opposite shoulder so he looked the wrong way, then surprised him on the other side. She handed him a glass of bubbly and then pinched his ribs, making him wince. "You didn't come save me," she muttered scathingly, low enough for only him to hear.

He put on an innocent face. "You seemed to be doing just fine, Rey-Rey."

"Don't call me that, you fu–"

Poe maneuvered Rey so the couple he was talking to could properly see her. Rey smiled at the guests, holding back the storm of profanities she wanted to set on her brother.

"Carol, Matt, you know my sister, Rey."

Barely. Rey remembered meeting Matt maybe twice before, but she'd never seen Carol. Rey would've remembered seeing a woman who obviously had a stick stuck up her ass.

Still, Rey exchanged pleasant hellos.

"You keep designing those high rises, we won't be able to see the lake," Matt joked, but Rey caught a hint of annoyance.

"Well, that's my evil 'master plan'."

Matt smirked. Carol quirked a brow at hearing Rey speak. "Forgive me, your accent isn't American, but you two are siblings?"

"I spent my youth in London before the Dameron's adopted me," Rey explained, like she had a thousand times before. "Then we stayed in the area before moving to the States to finish my education."

It was such a simple answer, one that didn't even scratch the surface of Rey and Poe's story.

Rey only had a year with her new parents before they were both killed in a car accident. Poe was only seventeen and had taken it the hardest, which was understandable. Those were his actual parents; he'd known them all his life.

They were sent off to a distant cousin of their mother's who lived just outside of Canterbury. Not a very nice man, Unkar Plutt. He'd only taken them in because he needed the extra money; he had no intention of taking on the extra responsibility of being nurturing.

Poe left the following year, having been accepted to a university in the States. But he stayed in frequent contact with Rey through letters and phone calls. She didn't tell him about going hungry, nor of the vans that came and went throughout the night. She didn't tell him how Unkar made her work at his junkyard, scavenging well into the night till blisters had formed on her hands. Nor did she bring up how he would use her as a punching bag whenever he came home drunk and in a foul mood.

From Unkar's threats, Rey acted as though everything was fine whenever she went to school or Poe came to visit.

But four years into living deep within that hell, Poe made a surprise appearance and saw first hand what was happening. He reported Unkar to the authorities, and was granted full custody of his younger sister. Through some contacts that had been their parent's friends, Poe was given permission to take Rey back to the States with him.

It hadn't been all unicorns and rainbows, though. Poe was deep into the veterinary program at Cornell, and now had to take care of an eleven-year-old girl on a part-time salary that barely paid enough for food and rent.

Poe had given her the one and only bedroom in the apartment; he slept on the couch.

Not wanting to be a burden, Rey started a small business consisting of babysitting, cleaning, and doing yard work around their neighborhood. Through fliers and word of mouth, Rey made a decent amount of cash every week to help pay the bills. It had hurt Poe's pride to see her working 16-hour days on the weekends and during the summer, but Rey insisted.

Poe let her keep the small business as long as her grades didn't take a hit. And they didn't. Rey was naturally smart, just like her brother.

It had been a proud day to watch Poe graduate, and an even prouder moment to find out he received the lead vet position at Lincoln Park Zoo. Through his steady job and gracious pay, he helped Rey through college so she could receive a master's degree in architectural engineering.

They were a family. Poe and Rey. Rey and Poe. Brother, sister. Team mates. One day, one of them might actually get married and move out of their shared brownstone, but right now, Rey was happy with their life.

Because they had made it together.

"We were just telling Poe about our place in Maui," Matt said, pulling Rey out of her thoughts.

Rey feigned interest. "Ah, Maui. I thought your 'get-away' was in France?"

"It is," Carol chimed in, more chipper now that the subject had changed to something she found acceptable. "This is our vacation place."

 _Goodness gracious_ , Rey thought. If only she had money.

"My mistake." Rey really couldn't care less. "Well, I'd take Maui any time of the year."

Poe groaned. "Don't start."

Rey leaned in closer to the couple, as if she were divulging a secret. "We were supposed to go there for my birthday. But we didn't think Shara could tolerate the flight."

Poe rubbed his lips together nervously. "I promise we'll go to Hawaii."

Rey gasped dramatically, talking to Carol like they were the closest-fake friends in existence. "Well that's big. But it's a promise and I'll take it. Men, am I right?"

Carol didn't answer.

"Where are you vacationing this year?" Matt asked.

Rey held back a snort. She almost forgot how posh it was for affluent people to talk about their vacations. "We're going to one of those water theme parks for the weekend. I heard the one that opened across town is exceptional."

Carol looked at Rey as if she just defecated on her Louboutins. "…that'll be nice."

Matt glanced down at his daft wife. "It's a joke, Carol."

"Funny," Carol deadpanned.

With Carol giving her the stink eye, and with Rey's laughter begging to be set free, Poe helped her out by coming to her rescue. For once. "Well, I promised Rey I'd dance with her tonight, so if you'll excuse us."

Escorting Rey away, she let out string of giggles once they'd put a good amount of distance between them and the wealthy couple. "I seriously thought Carol was going to slap you," Poe murmured.

"Bring it on. That woman could use a dose of reality."

Once Rey realized Poe really was guiding her to the dance floor, she dug her heels into the ground. "Nope. Uh-uh. I'm not dancing to the Tarzan song."

Poe was mildly offended. "First of all, Phil Collins is amazing, and "You'll Be in My Heart" is beautiful." He waved to the DJ, getting his attention. "And secondly, humor an old man. I need cheering up."

Rey rolled her eyes. "You don't play fair," she said as she met him palm to palm.

"Gotta use whatever I have at my disposal." He tugged her along. "C'mon. I'll even let you dance on my feet like when you were younger."

Rey's cheeks warmed. He stretched out their arms before spinning her into him, both swaying to the rhythm. "We really needed that grant," Poe whispered solemnly.

"I know." Rey gave his arm a compassionate squeeze. "You promise me Hawaii, and I'll promise Shara a new home."

"Deal."

The Disney song was replaced by the strum of a soft guitar, Rey recognizing the ballad immediately. She gazed at Poe in wonder. He appeared absolutely proud of himself as he gave her a wink.

"Poe," she managed to say sweetly.

"Couldn't resist dancing to our song. Not when you're wearing such a pretty dress."

Rey grinned so wide, she was sure her gums were showing. They kept up the light chatter, Rey talking about her latest project, Poe musing over what he would do if he didn't get enough donations that night. All the while, the song played in the background, but Rey didn't need to give all her attention to hearing the lyrics. She already knew them by heart.

_Well I had a dream_

_I stood beneath an orange sky_

_Yes I had a dream_

_I stood beneath an orange sky_

Emergency doors swung open, a trauma team frantically working on saving a young man's life as they guided the gurney down the hall at top speed.

Rey ran along, holding tightly onto Poe's hand, her white dress and face splattered with blood.

_With my brother standing by_

_With my brother standing by_

_I said Brother, you know you know_

_It's a long road we've been walking_

The nurse talked quickly to the doctor who joined them. "Male, thirty-nine. Car accident. No seat belt. Hit on left side; head trauma. EMS said he was unconscious at the scene. B/P 90 over 40. Pulse is erratic. Respirations, 10."

"You're going to be fine," Rey assured her brother, keeping up with the pace of the emergency personnel. "You're going to be fine… Poe, can you hear me? Poe? You're going to be fine."

_But sister you know I'm so weary_

_And you know sister_

_My heart's been broken_

The doctor, the tall man in blue scrubs, talked over her. "Let's get another Ringers Lactate hung. Increase the drip. Call Mason to scrub. What's his pressure now?"

Rey's gaze jumped between the doctor and nurse.

"80-40 and dropping. He's taching."

_Sometimes, Sometimes_

_My mind is too strong to carry on_

_Too strong to carry on_

There was a ringing in Rey's ears. "You're gonna be fine, Poe…"

"We may have internal bleeding," said the second doctor Rey hadn't noticed was there.

"Let's get a type and cross match," the tall doctor ordered.

"What's happening," Rey asked desperately, voice weak. The doctors and nurses kept talking, ignoring her. "I love you, Poe."

_Well I had a dream_

_I stood beneath an orange sky_

A light was flashed into Poe's eyes. "Pupils still not reactive."

"Five milligrams of epi, stat."

The nurse finally addressed Rey. "Does he have any allergies?"

"No."

"Illnesses?"

"No, he runs marathons. He's healthy."

A new set of double doors opened and the gurney was pushed through. The nurse stopped Rey from going in, forcing her to let go of Poe's hand. She watched helplessly as Poe and the trauma team disappeared.

"I'm sorry, you're not allowed in the operating room," the nurse clarified. "We'll have someone come out to update you."

Then the nurse followed the others, the swinging doors closing Rey off completely. She stood there, in the hallway, barefoot, covered in blood, her left forearm wrapped in a bandage.

_Yes I had a dream_

_I stood beneath an orange sky_

Never before had Rey noticed how time was so much like water. It could go by slowly, dripping a drop at a time, even freeze or rush by as quickly as a crack of lightning. The clock that hung on the wall said that time was being measured and continuous.

The clock lied.

The past hour passed like a stop picture show, hundreds of frames per second shown in quick succession. In this sterile hospital, the noises were louder, the smells more pungent, and the colors violently vibrant. But on the inside, Rey felt as if nothing was there, like she had no need for food or drink because she was empty.

What she needed was to rewind time and insist that she drove. Poe hadn't seemed inebriated, but maybe he had been. Maybe her driving would've changed things.

_With my brother and sister standing by_

_With my brother and sister standing by_

_With my brother and sister standing by_

Poe was going to be fine. He was going to be fine.

He had to be... because Rey didn't know what she'd do if he wasn't.

()()()()()

Ben didn't dream. Or if he did, he couldn't remember what it had been about. But he knew he'd been sleeping by the way he startled from a door banging open and people rushing inside his room, surrounding his gurney.

He was still too drowsy to make his mouth form words.

"Benjamin," Dr. Kalonia said as she hovered above him. "Congratulations, we've found you a new heart."

"No fucking way," Finn semi-screamed, watching the nurses unplug him from the monitors.

Meanwhile, Ben was… was this what mental shock felt like? He couldn't seem to think straight.

As Dr. Kalonia gave out orders, Ben lifted his hand out from under the blanket, searching. Finn grabbed ahold of him, the nurses letting him stand by Ben's gurney as they wheeled him out.

"Holy shit, man. Holy shit, this is happening," Finn said in between tears, not bothering to wipe them away.

"My mother –"

"We've called her and she's on her way," Dr. Kalonia told him, a rare smile on her face. "But time is of the essence and she told us not to wait for her if there's a chance it would jeopardize the transplant."

Ben nodded, the direness of the situation finally hitting him. He blinked rapidly, tears trailing into his hair. "Finn, if I don't make it, tell my mom –"

"Don't. You're gonna make it. You're going to be fine, and you can tell your mom whatever you want when you wake up. Because you're going to live, Ben. You're getting a heart."

"I'm getting a heart," Ben repeated, choking on the words.

They rounded a corner. A woman screamed Ben's name, and a second later his mother took over Finn's position. His friend trailed closely behind.

"Oh, my boy. I got here as fast as I could."

"I'm getting a new heart."

She patted his cheek, smiling through all the water works. "I heard."

"I love you, mom. You need to know how much I appreciate everything you've done for me, in case –"

"You're going to get through this. God fears me too much to take my only child from me."

Ben found it within himself to laugh. The gurney came to a stop at a corridor marked **Staff Only**.

"Okay," Dr. Kalonia said, looking reverently at the family. "Anything else you want to say, say it now. This is where we part ways."

Dr. Kalonia let Finn take her spot on the other side of Ben, both his hands now occupied by his mother and best friend. "I…" Ben's throat contracted. "I love you guys. Yeah… I just… love you."

Leia was having a hard time keeping it together. "I'm not going to tell you that I love you now. I'll tell you when you come out."

"Okay, mom."

"I love you," Finn blurted out.

"You don't think I'm gonna make it?" Ben teased.

Finn became flustered. "No, of course not. I just… you're my best friend… I love you. There, I said it again, that'll cancel out the first one. And I love you doctor, and you nurse lady." Finn looked back at Ben. "There, better?"

"Love you, too, man."

"I'll be here when you wake up," Leia whispered as she kissed his forehead, her fingers gliding through his hair.

Ben looked at his mother for a long moment, seeing the eyes he inherited from her, bloodshot and full of moisture. He gave her a morose smile before nodding to the doctor. They wheeled him away, and he gave Finn and his mom a weak wave, resting his hand once he lost sight of them

He kept his gaze on the ceiling above, ready to take the next leap into whatever fate had in store for him.

()()()()()

The thick wooden door of Rey and Poe's brownstone opened, Rey walking inside, her limbs moving as if someone was controlling them remotely. Her left arm was in a cast and sling, several small bandages adorning her face and a row of stitches on her forehead.

Kay walked in behind Rey. They both stood in silence.

BB ran up to Kay, jumping and hitting her legs. She bent down and gave BB a pat on the head.

Rey went through the motions of taking off the jacket and sandals Kay had lent her and handed them back. Kay reluctantly took them. "You're sure you don't want me to stay?"

"I… I should take BB out." Was that Rey talking? Her own voice sounded so distant.

"He's been out. I left the hospital a few hours ago and came by, took him to the park."

Rey vaguely remembered Kay already telling her that. "Oh, yeah…."

Rey walked to the kitchen and filled BB's dish with food. But BB refused to come. He stayed by the door, waiting.

Kay watched Rey carefully. "You know, I think I'll stay."

Waving her hand in dismissal, Rey said, "No, please, go home. I really just want to be alone."

A painful silence filled the house, two grown women trying to be as stoic as possible.

"Rey." Kay cleared her throat. "I don't know what to say."

Rey just nodded.

Kay went for the door, stopped, then turned around to give Rey a tight hug. Kay let out a few sobs against her shoulder, and Rey found herself rubbing the woman's back, comforting her.

Once composed, Kay drew back and wiped her face. "Call me if you need anything. I'll be here in five minutes. No matter the time."

Rey nodded again.

Kay left, but the door didn't shut all the way, the rusty old thing needing a bit of muscle in order for it to close. Poe was supposed to fix it.

Rey looked down at BB, his head angled to the door. "He's not coming back."

BB flopped his belly onto the floor and whimpered. Something about seeing BB caused Rey to finally spiral.

Beneath her feet, she couldn't feel the floor anymore. Rey stood in the entryway, her dress rubbing against her skin like sandpaper as she shifted back and forth. It was hard to make out the details of the room. Even with the lights on she had trouble focusing, her eyes blurring one moment and then 20/20 the next. After a while, she recognized the picture of her and Poe at her college graduation. Looking behind her at the entry table, Poe's glasses were still there, the ones he used at work. His apple watch that needed to be charged was next to it.

The only noise Rey could hear was the creaking of the opened door as it swayed from the breeze.

She staggered away, her back hitting the table and causing her brother's glasses to fall. Her mind swirled as she tried to catch them before they hit the ground, but she failed.

Poe had left her with insides that contracted and were cold. He'd left her with a heart that was on the verge of exploding, clammy skin and shallow breaths, causing her to hyperventilate and lean on the wall.

Rey crumbled to the floor, BB glancing over to her before focusing back on the door.

Tears ran down Rey's face, like water flowing from a broken drain, rubbing salt into an open wound. Her shoulders shook as each rake of emotion went through her frame.

She eventually drifted off to sleep on the floor, her dreams plaguing her with images of her brother… and of a man with raven hair and sad eyes.

()()()()()

Ben had read up on a lot of different experiences people had when going through a heart transplant. Some swore that they stood in the corner of the OR, watching as the doctors and nurses performed the surgery. Others talked about straddling the realm between life and death, talking with deceased family members and friends. Most didn't recall anything, just that one moment they had fallen asleep, and the next they woke up feeling like they'd just been hit by a semi-truck.

Ben experienced none of those.

Instead, images swirled in his mind, flashes of moments he couldn't be sure were real or were conjured up from the depths of his imagination.

In the waiting room of the hospital, friends and family lounged around, dozing in the chairs, eating, or running after kids. Finn and Rose were there, trying to wrangle in their hyperactive children. His dad had situated a table in the corner, playing cards with Luke and Lando. Amilyn, his mother's closest friend, had made a makeshift bed out of two chairs, a coat thrown over her sleeping form.

Jyn and Cassian had brought food from the nightclub/restaurant his mother, father, and Lando co-owned. The managers had been working for his family since The Rogue had opened twenty-seven years ago. Cassian began passing out an assortment of sandwiches, pasta dishes, and pastries to those who were currently awake.

But where was his mother?

The scene blurred and shifted, showing six rows of pews, three on each side. The chapel was quaint and dim, light flickering from the line of votive candles near the altar.

Leia was kneeling in the last row, her gaze fixated upon the statue of an angel, murmuring something unintelligible.

It was odd, Ben thought. His mother was Jewish. Not practicing, but she didn't have anything to do with Christianity either. The only reason they ever had a Christmas tree during the holidays was because his dad insisted on keeping the commercialized tradition.

Ben watched Leia for a bit before the scene changed again.

He was looking down at a balled-up form in what appeared to be the entryway of a house. The person shivered, and Ben recognized it to be a woman in a dirtied white dress, her hair fanned out on the hardwood floor. A dog whimpered near the door, but Ben kept staring at the girl, her captivating face covered in small bandages and her expression relaxed from deep sleep.

Something thumped off in the distance, like a banging of a drum. With each beat, it picked up momentum, gathering into a steady rhythm.

_Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum._

The girl stirred, as if she could hear the sound, feel something. Her eyelids cracked open and she glanced at the ceiling, at Ben. But she didn't give any indication that she actually saw him.

Then he was being taken away from her, her lying form getting further and further from view until there was nothing but darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song I use after Poe and Rey get in the accident is called Orange Sky, by Alexi Murdoch. All words and creativity are his.
> 
> Chapter 3 will deviate from the movie as I start doing my own thing. I'm hoping to post the next update in a week, but I'm starting to come down with a cold, so we'll see what happens. Leave a comment down below if you feel so inclined!


	3. Life and Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two years later and we get to see what is going on in the lives of Ben and Rey...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to those who left kudos and commented on the story! It seriously helps me stay motivated hearing from you guys.

Two years later...

Was any day a good day?

No.

At least, Rey couldn't remember the last time she'd been happy. Well, she could, but that was also the worst day of her life because….

Would anything ever feel normal again?

Rey'd spent so long in that first stage of grief, in a denial that was so viciously cruel. It lasted not for days or weeks, but months. Years. Hell, she was still in it. There were mornings where she'd wake up and expect to see her brother down in the kitchen, already dressed and eating a bowl of his favorite rolled oats at the table.

But he was never there.

Whenever Rey thought she heard his voice, it was just her imagination torturing her. Loads of people suggested she should talk to a professional, but Rey never went as far as looking someone up and making an appointment. She had a lot of emotional baggage to unpack, but she got so used to tucking it away and ignoring it, that she didn't have the courage to go through it all.

Anger sustained Rey just fine through all the tough times. It made her get up and go to work everyday, like she was flipping life the middle finger and telling it that she was going to keep living. In those moments, there was a painful knowledge that life would go on without Poe, and that time would now only stop for her.

But was Rey living, or just enduring?

At the Lincoln Park Zoo, a plywood barricade surrounded the new gorilla habitat that was under construction. A piece of the rickety wall opened, Rey storming out and walking by the posters advertising Shara's upcoming home. Following closely behind were the two foremen; Snap, who'd been working with Rey for the past five years, and Fred, a younger, journey-man type she barely knew.

"We needed the cement poured yesterday," Rey pointed out.

Quickening his pace so he could keep up with her Snap's belly jiggled, forcing him to hold onto his tool belt so it stayed in place. "I had to wait on the welders."

"Why?"

"I'm at their mercy, Rey. You know that."

"Bullshit." Rey maneuvered through the heavy traffic on the walkway, passing the spectators congregating to see the zebras. Snap and Fred did their best to keep up with her. "You're not pushing your guys hard enough."

"Rey," Snap argued, wiping the sweaty sheen from his forehead. "My guys worked seventeen hours yesterday!"

Rey scoffed. "At time and a half, I'm crying for you."

They passed a truck of workmen unloading supplies, and Fred broke off to help. Or to get away from a fuming Rey. The reason didn't matter. The men working the truck rolled their eyes, overhearing the conversation.

Rey just kept on walking, not phased by any of it.

Snap got closer to her, trying to keep his voice down. "For Christ's sake, you have the best guys working here. You don't want them walking."

"I don't give a shit."

Nestled behind the Endangered Species Carousel was the construction trailer. Rey hurried up the three steps and threw open the door to the temporary office. The sign on the door, written in bold blue letters, read: DAMERON DESIGNS.

Sitting behind her desk, Rey took off her hard hat and let it fall to the floor. Her eyes scanned the clutter of blueprints, stacks of invoices, candy wrappers and used paper cups that covered the workspace.

Snap sat at the other end of the trailer, lighting up a cigarette.

Other than the soft hum from the machines and jackhammers at the work site nearby, the office was quiet.

Having made it a general rule not to wear makeup on the job, Rey was able to rub her eyes without any regrets. Next, she worked at massaging her scalp by freeing her hair from its tight ponytail, her greasy tresses hitting right at her shoulders.

Snap watched the woman he considered a friend and took a long drag on his cigarette. "Rey, you really need to slow down. You're working too hard."

Rey was sick of hearing that. She kneaded out the kink in the back of her neck and stifled a yawn as she said, "Yeah, and you should quit smoking."

Snap blew out a large puff of smoke. "I have. Several times."

Rey sighed.

She had started unrolling the blueprints when her phone vibrated in the back pocket of her Levi's. She placed it on her desk and put it on speaker. "Hey, Kaydel," Rey greeted, struggling to keep the blueprints open.

"Rey, what's up?"

Rey gave the phone a confused glance. "You called me."

"Right…"

Rey began putting what she could find on the perimeter of the design to help hold it down: a half eaten snickers bar, box cutter, an orange that had a piece of mold growing on it.

A weird clicking noise came from the phone. Was Kay biting her nails? "Well… I was able to talk to the zoning committee."

The trailer door suddenly opened, and Fred peeked in. "You want more mortar thrown in there tomorrow?"

Rey mouthed a 'yes', and then Fred was gone. "You finally got through to them? Are they giving me the extra space?"

"About that… they're still set on putting a souvenir shop there. And then the issues with the trees –"

Rey groaned. "Not the fucking trees again. We can build around them, make them a part of the structure. I'm not doing fake trees, Kay. The gorillas deserve something real."

"And that's what I told them. Honestly, I think they're just tired of dealing with you, because they told me they'd leave the decision up to whoever's in charge of the Lion House. Ya know, since you'll be taking fifty feet away from them."

Rey's eyebrows furrowed. "But no one's in charge of Lion House."

"Technically, I did hire someone this morning. He's also gonna be the zoo's vet surgeon." Rey's heart skipped a beat. That was Poe's old position. "His work with wildlife is actually impressi –"

"Give me his phone number," Rey demanded, looming over her phone.

"Yeah… I think maybe I should talk to him first. He has no idea –"

"What's his name?"

"… Ben Solo."

Rey glanced at the clock ticking away on the wall. "Is he still here? On the grounds?"

"I dropped him off in front of Park Place at lunchtime, but–" Rey ended the call and shoved the phone in her back pocket, darting for the door.

Snap put out his smoke in a tray, unperturbed by Rey's sudden out-for-blood demeanor. "Don't forget, you're on Wabash at three o'clock. New beams going in."

"Yep."

Rey left the trailer and immediately got caught behind a thick group of people, probably on a guided tour.

"Hey, watch where you're going!" someone yelled at her as she bumped shoulders with multiple individuals. Rey turned, making eye contact with the one she suspected of throwing words at her. She glared and dared him to cause even more of a scene.

"Share the walkway, asshole," Rey shouted back.

Passing the carousel, Rey took a hard left and then a right before arriving at the zoo's café. It was 1:33 in the afternoon, and the chances the guy was still there was very slim. But Rey had to check anyway.

Swinging the café doors open, the place was still busy, employees hurrying to clean off tables to allow for more customer seating. Rey walked around a bit, perusing the families and checking for any men that looked to be alone.

She regretted not asking Kay for a description of the new hire.

Frustrated and with zero fucks to give, Rey decided she had very little dignity left to lose at this point in her life. "Ben Solo!" she bellowed loud enough for her voice to ricochet off the walls. The customers quieted down, giving her some serious stares.

A bit were confused. Others wary. Most were just annoyed.

"I'm looking for a Ben Solo," Rey said, not needing to shout as much anymore. "Is he still here?"

Murmurs went through the crowd, and parents started ushering their kids closer to the tables, getting them away from the crazy lady. As each moment ticked by, Rey started to think that she was too late.

"I'm Ben Solo," a deep, masculine voice said from the other side of the café. Rey went in the direction of the voice, catching sight of a raised past the line at the cash register. After going around a large family in matching reunion shirts, the man with the raised hand stood up.

And Rey completely forgot how her motor functions worked.

The man was tall and broad, with a sharp chin, a large nose, and black wavy hair framing his features. Even from this distance, Rey could see the beauty marks adorning his face, the paleness of his skin more than making them stick out.

None of his features should've meshed well together, and yet, they sinfully worked. Everything about the guy made Rey want to run back to her house, shower – most definitely shower – trap the girls in her best pushup bra and even put in the extra effort of applying makeup.

One look at this guy and Rey was ready to feed her carnal side – you know, toss some fresh meat over a chain-linked fence of her sex drive and watch as the meal was consumed.

 _No_.

No, no, no, no. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Rey had already made up her mind that this guy would be her new enemy number one. Rey wasn't supposed to feel this… pull towards him.

 _Abort! Abort! Abort!_ , the safety signals around her heart screamed through her brain.

Rey ignored the warning and stayed put, tampering down whatever feelings were trying to overwhelm her. She had a mission to complete, and a promise she'd made to her brother to uphold. No matter the cost, she was going to build Shara a new home.

So, fuck this guy.

Figuratively… not literally….

God, Rey was in trouble.

()()()()()

"Well, I guess that concludes the tour. Are there any other questions I can answer for you?"

The short, blonde haired woman looked up at Ben, a pleasant smile plastered on her face. They had stopped the tour in front of the Park Place Café, the south lawn to Ben's left and his eyes situated on the Swan Pond twenty feet away.

It was a beautiful Friday near the middle of June, the weather perfectly ideal for an outing at the zoo. Breathing in deep, Ben could smell the faint aroma of cut grass and fresh water, and could faintly hear the howls and calls of the birds and waterfowls... even with all the construction going on.

The expansion of the Primate House was still going strong, regardless of it being lunchtime. It irked Ben that at some points during the tour, he couldn't even hear himself think. All that noise had a way of ruining the overall experience that the zoo had to offer.

It was always a good thing to give the animals more space to roam around, but that didn't mean he wasn't already counting down the days till the new addition was completed.

"This place is…" Ben searched for the right words, "amazing."

Kay tilted her head, trying to keep the sun from directly hitting her face. "Does that mean you'll take the job?"

"I would've taken the job without the tour, to be honest." A small girl whizzed past him, the mother hollering her name as she gave chase.

"You weren't able to have someone show you around the last time we interviewed you, right?"

Ben shook his head. "No. During the last round of interviews, I wasn't able to make it."

"Your health, right?"

"Yep," was Ben's curt response.

Kay didn't ask him to elaborate. He knew she couldn't, legally speaking.

"Well, you look great." Kay's eyes nearly popped from their sockets, realizing what she just said. "I mean, healthy. Like a healthy looking man, who doesn't look sick. What I'm trying to say is that I never would've thought you had health problems looking at you now." There was a beat of silence. Kay's face flushed scarlet as she adjusted her glasses. "Feel free to stop me whenever you want."

The corner of Ben's lips curled up. "By all means, keep going," he teased lightly.

Kay chuckled, the tension in her shoulders dissolving. "Right. Well, again, I can't fully express how nice it is to finally hire a board certified veterinary surgeon."

"About that, what happened to the guy before me?" Because Ben thought it was odd that no one had been hired in the two years since the position became vacant.

"Oh." Kay shifted her weight from leg to leg, her hand coming up to cup the back of her neck. "Uh…. He was in a car accident a couple years ago and passed away. He was actually the one to offer you the Lion House job the last time. I remember him being really excited that you specialized in felines."

"I'm sorry to hear that. You… you haven't hired anyone since his death?"

"Poe was… he was really special to all of us here. I took over the Primate House, but competent vet surgeons with wildlife experience are hard to come by these days. We didn't want just anyone filling Poe's shoes."

Ben's throat contracted as he swallowed. "I hope I can live up to his legacy."

Kay eyed him, but there was sincerity behind the gaze that didn't make Ben squirm. "Something about you reminds me of him. So I'm sure you'll fit in here just fine."

Ben glanced down at his black sneakers, not knowing what to say.

"Grab some lunch," Kay said as she motioned to the café. "Get comfortable with the place. I'm sure you'll basically be living here like the rest of us."

Kaydel gave him a small wave before turning and heading back the way they came. Ben contemplated whether to go check out more of the medical center, head home, or –

A family opened the door to the café, the mother maneuvering the stroller so she could get out. Cool air from inside blew past him, carrying the savory smell of burgers, fries and pastries.

Ben's stomach rumbled, his appetite making the decision for him.

He swallowed the wave of saliva and went inside. If he was going to be spending a good amount of time here, he might as well get acquainted with the menu.

Although it was the smell of a cheeseburger that caught his attention, Ben had a diet to adhere to. He didn't have high cholesterol or elevated blood pressure, but he still made the decision to go with a veggie burger and a side of fruit.

What he put into his body became a part of him, each piece of food being digested into energy so his muscles could move, his brain could function, and his heart could beat.

This heart that wasn't truly his.

He was indebted to the original owner to take care of it. If he didn't, than the person died for nothing.

His meal long since eaten, Ben sat at his table, people watching as his hands idly played with his appointed key card and zoo issued ID. But while his body was on autopilot, his mind focused on the feel of his heart beat… every single pound inside his chest. If he was back in his room or somewhere quiet, he would've been able to hear the rhythm through his ears. But the cacophony of noise from the kitchen, customers, and manic kids kept that sense preoccupied.

Ben couldn't hear, but he could feel it – the guilt that thumped and thumped and thumped.

Someone died so he could live.

The first few months after the surgery, Ben hadn't thought about where the heart had come from. Truthfully, he was too fixated on healing and getting to a point where he didn't feel like his chest was going to rip open every time he moved.

Pain was a great distraction.

But eventually, Ben had healed, and he did become stronger. He could hold a conversation during physical therapy, he didn't get winded going up stairs, and he could lift more than twenty pounds without getting dizzy.

Ben threw himself into exercise, making it a goal to run in a marathon and complete a Spartan race. That hundred pounds of muscle he never thought he'd have was now packed onto him, like thick ropes of steel corded around his bones.

But one day, seven months into his new life, he stumbled upon a documentary about transplant recipients and the families of those they had lost. He saw the pain those people were going through, and that was when it hit him.

The heart he now had once belonged to someone else, someone who probably had a family – wife and kids; brothers and sisters. It didn't matter that those families were happy to have a part of their loved one save someone else, that it was being used for a good purpose. The person was still dead.

Ben didn't do so well… after that. At that point in his life, he was too self-aware not to notice that he was falling into a deep depression. But he refused to talk to anyone about it. Instead, he locked himself away in his condo, painting canvas after canvas. It wasn't like living that way was that hard to do. Ben hadn't had much of a life before the surgery, anyway.

Shout out to his preferred coping mechanism, isolation.

He poured his time into creating images that reflected his tumultuous feelings, and the self-therapy had helped a bit. The paintings tended to play on the themes of loneliness and death, which was not Ben's usual forte. His preference had been landscapes and animals, not art that was abstract and up for interpretation.

Finn was the one who pushed him to see an art dealer, telling him that others might find solace in the images he created. With reluctance, Ben went to the meeting and was surprised to have been offered the gallery to showcase his work.

He didn't attend the evening his paintings were put on display, nor did he want his real name to be used. But Finn and his mother had told him that the turnout had been a good one, and that most of his pieces had sold within the first hour.

It had been difficult to part with some of his creations, particularly the drawing of a woman lying on the floor, red streaks of blood adorning her short colorless dress. It was a dream that regularly visited him; the mystery woman clad in white. Sometimes Ben entertained the idea that she could be real, but being a man who questioned mysticism, he never held onto that notion for long.

Ben continued painting, but he soon hit a brick wall that stunted his emotional progress. Noticing the difference in Ben's moods, Finn and his mother kept hounding him with questions. Not wanting to burden them with his feelings, Ben needed to find a way for them to stop pestering him so damn much.

It was time to get back into the workforce.

He got a job at an animal placement company that dealt with treating injured wildlife through the interference of life-saving surgery. The animals were then transferred to a rehabilitation center where their progress was monitored till they were deemed well enough to go back into the wild.

Over the span of a year, Ben had the privilege of working on Bengal tigers, alligators, kangaroos, penguins, and all manner of wildlife that needed help. It was a good job, one that brought him a sense of purpose and allowed him to stay in the Chicago area.

But Lincoln Park Zoo was where he'd always wanted to end up.

During every step of his interview, past and present, he never let slip how often he had frequented the zoo during his youth. Ben didn't say a word on how between the time he was eleven and up until he went off to college, he wondered the grounds at least three times a week. He'd let his imagination get lost in that place, pretending he was hunting poachers and rescuing animals, treating and bringing lions and penguins and monkey's back to life.

Being a vet had always been his dream.

He just wanted his journey to lead him back to the place where it had all started.

Was Ben's salary higher at the animal placement program? Little bit. But money wasn't an issue for him that much, even with all the medical expenses. His grandfather had left his mother and uncle the entirety of his assets, getting all his finances in order before taking his own life. Losing his wife so suddenly had buried Anakin Skywalker in such a deep grief, that he wholeheartedly believed that he couldn't go on with his life without her.

Through smart planning and clever investments, his mother was able to give Ben an inheritance that was worth millions.

Ben never had to worry about money, and he was lucky he could do what he loved while never having to settle for anything less.

He was lucky. Everyone kept telling him so. He was alive, after all.

But as more time went on, Ben couldn't help thinking that maybe he should've been the one to die. Maybe the owner of the heart should've lived.

This guilt was something he needed to work through before it consumed him.

He decided to send a letter through the donor liaison. They would forward it to the donor's family, but they advised him to keep himself anonymous. He did as he was told and didn't reveal who he was.

Ben had carried that letter everywhere for months, the wrinkled blue envelope looking like it had seen better days. It was when he was at the Brookfield Zoo with Finn and the kids that he had the courage to finally drop it in a blue USPS postal box.

_"Mail it, Ben, you'll feel better," Finn told him when he noticed Ben hesitate at the postal box. Finn whirled around, trying to keep an eye on the kids. "Will, stay with daddy, honey."_

_Ben clutched the letter tighter, incapable of dropping it inside. "Every time I go to do it, I – I – I can't."_

_"I don't know why not," Finn said as he picked up a hyperactive Will. "It's anonymous. It says you're grateful." Ben started to walk away from the mailbox, Finn and the kids following. "God knows I'd want to get it if I lost someone I loved. Wouldn't you?"_

_What Finn didn't know was that it wasn't just a letter filled with Ben's gratitude; it was a plea to meet with someone from the family. To put a face to the person who gave him his life back. Maybe learn a bit about them._

_"Yeah, but, it just seems so strange," Ben explained. "Like, you know –," he tripped slightly over the stroller, regaining his balance, "– sending a thank-you note for a heart. You know? It seems so… not enough."_

_"Don't you feel worse not sending it?" Finn asked, both men stopping as they rounded a corner, letting a couple go by with their bikes. Ben helped Bre, the eldest kid at nine, pull the stroller off to the side._

_"Well, yeah. I mean," Ben lifted the blue envelope, fanning it in the air, "I always have it."_

_Finn adjusted Will onto the other side of his hip, ignoring Lilly as she asked for a snack and whined to get out of the stroller. "I know, Ben, and it's been a year and a half. So go back there, drop it in and move on. I'm sure they have."_

_Ben stared at Finn for a long moment before making up his mind and marching back to the postal box. He pulled at the lid, holding the envelope over the dark opening. He glanced at Finn._

_"Let it go," Finn said supportively._

_Ben loosened his shaking grip and watched as the envelope disappeared._

_"Okay, everybody clap for Uncle Ben," Finn said to the kids, catching their attention. "He just mailed a very important letter. Come on."_

The kids had clapped and cheered for him, but Ben remembered more acutely the strong feeling of wanting to vomit. Finn had been right, though. It had made him feel a little better.

But that good feeling hadn't lasted.

A few weeks after the Brookfield Zoo visit, Ben received a call from someone at the donor liaison. The family didn't wish to have contact with him, and if he were to write any more letters, they would not be forwarded.

Ben had had panic attacks before, brought on from bouts of intense misery from being sick all the time. But he never cried so hard than after receiving that phone call. He always thought people were being overly dramatic whenever they said they'd once cried for a week straight, non-stop, ugly sobs and all. But Ben now knew it was real.

He even wondered if it were possible to get dehydration from all the constant crying.

Had Ben hoped and prayed so hard for a new heart, that he somehow killed a person? Did the family blame him? Did they hate him?

Guess he'd never know.

"Ben Solo!"

Ben sat ramrod straight, his head snapping in the direction of where he heard a woman yell his name. The café became eerily quiet, even the children noticing that they should stop with the tantrums and fighting.

"I'm looking for a Ben Solo," the feminine voice explained, no longer needing to shout. She had everyone's attention. "Is he still here?"

Ben's mind ran rampant with all the reasons why someone would be this eager to find him. Did he do something against zoo rules that would cause him to get kicked off the premise? Had Kay changed her mind about hiring him and sent someone to revoke his key card and ID? Did… did someone find out about his health issues and decide that having him as an employee was too much of a risk?

Ben's rear remained firmly planted in his seat, waiting… and then he remembered that he was the Ben Solo and that he should probably give the woman an answer.

Slowly, he raised his hand, some of the people around him noticing. "I'm Ben Solo," he said, surprised that his voice even worked. Ben was reminded how much he hated being in the center of attention as the whole café turned to look at him.

His mouth went as dry as the desert, sweat beading under his arms. The chair scratched along the floor as Ben stood, his eyes locking onto a woman who came to a stop a few aisles over.

Staring wasn't quite the word for what Ben was doing, though he'd fit the dictionary description to a tee. His eyes rested, not unblinking, but slowed. He noticed how the woman's gaze slid across his body, but there was a heat to it he wasn't accustomed to receiving. Like she… liked what she saw.

And Ben reciprocated the look ten-fold.

Perfect chestnut hair rested on the woman's shoulders, her sun kissed skin adorning cheeks the color of pink roses. Her out-of-this-world body was hard to ignore, a small waist hidden under a plain black top and perfectly proportioned hips that fit snugly in her dark washed jeans.

This woman was the most beautiful woman Ben had ever seen.

But it wasn't just her beauty that captivated him. There was something about her that warmed his chest and comforted him in a way that felt so organic and easy.

Her eyes – though Ben couldn't decipher the color from this range – had an intelligence behind them that drew him in deeper. In the gap between his stare and hers, a battle of intention was being forged, and none of them were noble.

The air between them morphed as the girl fought and trounced those desires without even a flinch.

In their silent standoff, he watched as her face grew hard and her eyes burned with a ferocity that could light Ben on fire. Did Ben imagine the connection he'd just felt with this stranger? Was he starting to hallucinate?

The woman marched right up to him, placing her hands firmly on her hips. "You're Ben Solo?"

Was that an accent he heard?

Ben glanced around, seeing that most of the customers had gone back to their personal business as the chatter in the café started up again. The ones that were nearby, however, watched the exchange with rapt attention. "Last I checked."

She gave him another up and down, sizing him up. For what? Was this little woman going to try to fight him? Here? In public? "You're the new vet surgeon, the one who overlooks the Lion House?"

Definitely an English accent, which made him wonder what a girl like her was doing at a zoo like this.

"I mean, technically, I've had the position for, like, an hour. So I'm not sure what I could've done in that amount of time to somehow offend you –"

"You got everyone here thinking that Kay hired you because you're the best candidate, but I know what's really going on. Who from the zoning council planted you? Was money the incentive?"

There were plenty of things to say to that. Like: Who are you? What's the zoning council? Why would anyone 'plant' someone at a zoo?

Instead, the only thing Ben could get out of his mouth was a measly, "Huh?"

_Good job at using words, there._

_Are you even a college graduate?_

_F for effort._

Apparently, that was not the kind of response the woman was looking for.

Her words were spat out with the ferocity and rapidity of machine gun fire. "The committee wouldn't just put a decision like this on someone who's barely been hired. They got you this job, didn't they? That way they wouldn't have to deal with me personally."

She took a step forward; Ben took a step back, his legs hitting the table, trapping him. "I know you guys approved one large artificial tree to be planted in the habitat, and that the fifty feet wasn't a part of that. But first of all, artificial trees aren't 'planted'… and why build a tree when two very real ones are already there? Isn't it better for the gorillas to have a real tree to play on? Isn't it?"

Ben wasn't sure if she actually wanted an answer. "Umm…. Yeah –"

She pointed a finger in his face, her arms becoming animated. "You've given me total freedom since the zoning was approved. Why stop now? I just need the extra fifty feet to be able to make the design happen. I know it takes away square footage from the Lion House, but honestly, the gorillas need it more. And think of the training, the computer registrar, time-cards, storage space."

Taking a deep breath, some of her aggression subsided only to be replaced with a desperation that made Ben feel sorry for her. "Look, I'll personally design and build a souvenir shop that'll fit in the space that's left. Throw in some bathrooms while I'm at it. Maybe even add on a mother's lounge to make you look more inclusive and 'with the times'."

All of those sounded like good ideas to Ben. Except… "So… I'm not really sure what any of this is abou–"

Rey snarled more than spoke. "Don't fucking lie to me, you prick." She took another step forward, and if she had matched Ben's height, they would've been nose to nose. "I'm already behind schedule, and all I'm asking for is –"

"Rey!" They both turned to see Kaydel at the end of the aisle, breathing heavily through her mouth, a sheen of sweat adorning her face. Again, the café quieted, but not as long as before. The customers had already grown accustomed to whatever drama had been unfolding, which was made evident by how quickly they went back to eating and conversing among themselves.

Kay walked right up to the girl Ben now could put a name to – Rey – and grabbed her by the arm. "What the hell are you doing?"

Kay didn't even give Rey enough time to respond before she tugged the girl behind her and addressed Ben with a trembling smile. "Ben, I am so, so sorry for her behavior. Stress, ya know? And maybe a little bit of heat stroke. She's been working too much, needs to slow down."

Rey tried to get around the woman. "I'm fine –"

Kay swung around, her voice full of a don't-mess-with-me-right-now kind of tone. "Go outside, or so help me God, Rey, you are fired."

Rey flinched as if she'd just been slapped. "You can't fire me."

Ben couldn't see the look Kay gave her, but whatever it was, it was serious enough for Rey to reluctantly turn around and leave the café. Not before giving him one last glare, of course. Ben was half expecting the woman to run a finger across her throat, but maybe she thought better of it since this wasn't Elementary school.

"Please, please tell me you'll still take the job. I swear that Rey isn't normally so… eccentric. And once she's done building the new gorilla habitat, you won't ever have to see her again."

"No, it's okay. I'll still take the job." Death was the only thing that would take him away from the zoo, not some woman who had problems regulating her stress. "Just… what was she going on about? And why did she think the zoning council hired me?"

"A simple misunderstanding. I'll explain everything on Monday, but I should probably…" Kay glanced behind her at the café's doors.

"Yeah, go make sure she doesn't set the Lion House on fire or something." Ben would prefer to still have somewhere to work when he came in on Monday.

Kay gave out an awkward giggle before running out of the café, making a hard left. Ben ran a hand through his long hair three times in quick succession before realizing that he, too, should probably get going. It was a bad idea to linger and give that woman another opportunity to yell at him for… well, he still wasn't sure what she'd been going on about. Whatever it was, she had enough confidence to figure it out on her own.

Ben sheepishly smiled at those who were still invested enough in the scene to be staring at him. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he made for the exit and went straight to the parking lot.

Landing his dream job should've put Ben in a much happier mood, but his mind kept going back to that woman – Rey. Did she confuse the hell out of him? Yes. Did Ben like it that she was kind of a badass and she seemed to know it? Also a yes.

Now, he just needed to figure out where he'd seen her before.


	4. Screw it

Despite having just lost it in front of dozens of people and trying to pick a fight with a total stranger, the only thing Rey could think about was her brother. Images rammed against her mind, the ones where she woke up in a battered car, Poe unconscious in the driver’s seat. Blood ran down his cheek, dripping onto his dress shirt. For some stupid reason, Rey had thought of how difficult it was going to be to get that stain out.

She had called out Poe’s name, waiting for him to answer her back.

He never did. He never woke up.

When would this end, the despair weighing like concrete in her gut?

Rey marched back and forth in the small office trailer, suffocating, eyes darting around to see if there was something she could destroy. She’d take a sledgehammer to the walls if she could, but that would require her to go back outside and search through the construction site.

She would prefer for the people who worked for her to think she wasn’t a complete nutter.

So, that was a no-go on the sledgehammer.

Rey was by her desk when the door swung open. Kay bursted in, and the two women squared off at each other. The door shut on its own accord, quiet, but very much sounding like a bomb in a battle zone.

Kay had loose flurries of hair hanging out of her ponytail, her face flushed from the exertion of running around the zoo. “What the fuck… is wrong with you?” she asked, breathless.

“Me? What’s wrong with you?!” Rey yelled, pointing an accusing finger at Kay. “Why didn't you tell me you were trying to fill Poe's position? Instead, you just tell me you hired someone without even warning me first?"

Kay took a few deep breaths, getting control of herself. Tucking the errant hairs behind her ears, she spoke in a much calmer and sensitive tone. “I should've told you about the interviews and candidates, I know that. I guess, I don't know, I was afraid of how you'd react. I'm sorry. But Rey… it’s been two years. We needed a board certified surgeon –”

“All the other vets here have been doing fine without one.”

“We might have gone to veterinary school, but none of us have the extensive education that would make us great surgeons. Mitaka almost killed Gilly the Giraffe last week!”

“That giraffe is, like, a thousand years old.”

“And a favorite among the kids.” Kay’s voice took on a pleading tone, wanting Rey to see her side of the story. “This zoo needs a person like Ben. And fortunate for you, he’s still taking the job. Even after… what exactly did you say to him?”

“That the zoning committee got him this job to screw me over.”

_Let him screw you… over the arm of a couch._

Rey’s mind really needed to stop twisting her connotations into sexual scenarios.

Kay blinked in surprise. “Wow, Rey. You seriously think the council would go as far as to… what? Jeopardize a project they approved of in the first place?”

Rey was unwilling to abate her anger, because without it, Kay would start to make sense. “They pawned the decision off to a stranger!”

“So it wouldn’t look like you have control over them by giving into you. If someone else granted you the fifty feet, it’s on them.”

Rey stayed quiet, shaking her head and chewing at the inside of her cheek.

“Look, Rey… I’ve been trying to ignore the issue for two years, but I can’t anymore. I need more help around here.”

The sting in Rey’s eyes was a betrayal against the fury she allowed to spread throughout her veins. “So you’re moving on? Just like that?”

“Moving on?” Kay took a careful step toward her, treating Rey like a skittish animal ready to bite anyone who approached. “Sweetie, I didn’t say anything about moving on. But the world doesn’t stop turning just because we lost someone we cared about.”

Rey snapped. “Oh, please. Don’t stand there and pretend like you gave a shit about Poe.”

Kay floundered, mouth falling open. “Excuse me?”

Rey’s words were vicious as she let the boiling rage fill her belly, her ears growing hot. “You benefitted the most from Poe’s death. You were just an assistant who ran around taking orders from all the vets that ran this place.” When Rey saw the hurt in Kay’s eyes, she didn’t back off, only dug deeper. “But look at you now, head vet of the Primate House and Manager of Affairs for the zoo. Everything worked out great for you, didn’t it? You got your payday.”

The atmosphere held its breath.

The heated quarrel could’ve continued; it would’ve been easy for Kay to say something just as hurtful back at Rey. It would’ve been a war on words, both women at each other’s throats like savage hungry dogs fighting for dominance. Blood would be spilled, feelings hurt.

And by the way Kay glared at her, Rey expected the onslaught. Wanted it, even.

But then Kay’s eyes dulled, her shoulders slumped, and her voice barely even a whisper. “It makes me sad to hear something like that come out of your mouth.”

That one small comment stirred a hurricane of regret inside of Rey, swift and unforgiving.

Was Rey really that much of a monster that she’d lash out at the one friend who’d stuck by her side these last couple of years?

Kay knew her better than anyone, cared about her more than anyone, but in these infrequent failures to suppress the rage at her circumstances, Rey tore into Kay like only a close friend could. Rey knew Kay’s weak spots and deepest pains; she was an easy target.

And Rey had struck with precision.

Kay went to leave. Rey lunged to grab ahold of her arm out of sheer panic. “Kay, wait –”

Twisting out of Rey’s grip, Kay whirled around, putting Rey on the offensive. But she didn’t yell. No, her tone dripped with pain and disappointment… which was worse. “You know what? You walk around here constantly in a bad mood and snapping at anybody who dares to lend you a hand, but guess what? We all knew Poe. He was my mentor. You don’t have a monopoly over losing him; we all did. I understand your pain is more severe than the rest of us, but to actually insinuate that I was dancing on his grave when he died is just sick.”

Rey wasn’t sure when she started crying. She wiped the tears away with the palms of her hands. “I – I know. I’m so sorry… fuck, I didn’t mean any of it. I don’t know why I said all of that. I’m just…. There’s no excuse. I’m sorry, Kay. Really. What can I do to make you forgive me? I’ll do anything. Anything.”

Kay eyed her before walking over to the other side of the trailer, leaning against Snap’s desk. There was a beat of silence before Kay said, “Come with me on a double date tomorrow night.”

 _Shiiiiiiiiiit_.

Leave it to Kay to pounce on an opportunity, regardless of her heart being ripped out and stomped all over.

Rey did a quick shake of her head. “I will do anything… but that.”

But Kay wasn’t going to give up that easily. “C’mon, Rey. When was the last time you went out? Had some fun?”

While Kay’s demeanor was becoming less bitch-I-will-slap-you, Rey couldn’t help but try to get out of the hole she’d dug herself into.

“I think you and I have a different definition of fun. See, I was planning on having a Lord of the Rings marathon over the weekend –”

“You need to occasionally grace society with your presence.”

“When you say society, I know you mean men.”

“So? What’s wrong with getting some attention from a guy?”

“I tend to attract weirdos.”

“Colin wasn’t a weirdo.”

“He wanted me to stick a pacifier in his mouth and rock him to sleep.”

“He was just… very in tune with his inner child.” Rey kept staring at Kay, unwavering. “Okay,” Kay relented, “he was probably a serial killer. But I already have a guy lined up for you, and I even heard through the grapevine that he’s into you.”

“I know him?”

“Armitage Hux.”

_Oh no._

“The bird trainer?”

“It’s actually falconer. He doesn’t really like being called a bird trainer, just a heads up.”

Great.

Rey was graduating from weirdos to bird trainers. Would she ever attract anyone normal? Ben popped unbidden into her thoughts. Rey tampered the image down, not wanting to deal with the guilt over the way she had treated him. Hell, she didn’t even know him.

Her gaze ping-ponged, avoiding direct contact with Kay. “I don’t know….”

“If you don’t come, I’m gonna hold what you said about Poe over your head for the rest of your life and never forgive you.”

Rey glared. “That’s blackmail.”

Kay shrugged. “Take me to court.” But Kay knew Rey would never do such a thing. Not to her.

Rey let out a long, loud groan. “Fine,” she finally agreed, her voice lacking enthusiasm.

Kay was in front of Rey in three quick strides, holding out her hand. “You’re agreement is binding. No backing out.”

Rey rolled her eyes, quickly shaking her friend’s hand. “I won’t.”

“Good,” Kay said in a tone that was way too chipper. Looking at her now, you never would’ve guessed she’d been on the brink of pulling Rey’s hair out less than five minutes ago. “Because I have a reservation at The Rogue for 6:30.”

“The what? I’ve never heard of it.”

“It’s like a restaurant and nightclub all in one.” Kay interpreted Rey’s scrunched up nose as confusion, when really, the word ‘nightclub’ was the culprit behind Rey’s sour face. “It’s not that odd. Honestly, you need to get out more. Should I swing by your place to get you, or –”

“I’ll meet you there.”

()()()()()

Sitting at the table in the dining room, Ben found himself momentarily enchanted by the light that was shining through the window. It painted a rainbow onto the cream colored walls, a patch of blue and violet that stretched out to show gold and blushed orange. Ben wondered if he could capture such colors on a canvas.

Will, Finn and Rose’s five-year-old son, interrupted Ben’s thought. “Unca Ben?”

“Sorry.” Ben smiled, looking down at the kid sitting in his lap, both of them situated at the dining room table. “Where were we?”

As Ben continued reading _Llama Llama Red Pajama_ , Bre’s piano playing could be heard in the background, her practicing sounding a lot like a violent assault against music. Lilly had the Ipad blaring from the living room, her obsession with PJ Masks still going strong.

In the kitchen, Rose and Finn were trying to keep their voices down, but even through all the muttering Ben could tell that they were arguing about something. Maybe it had to do with how Rose almost broke her ankle on the toys littering the floor, or that she had gone into work on a Saturday.

One time, Ben had overheard the heated conversation of whether Finn should get a vasectomy or Rose should get her tubes tied. That had been… an awkward evening.

All in all, it was a usual day at the Johnson household.

“Bre, honey!” Rose called out as she came into the dining room, still in her pencil skirt and blouse from work. “Stop trying to murder the piano.” The playing quieted down, but Ben knew it was only a matter of time before it crescendoed.

“I think you have the next Mozart on your hands,” Ben joked, but Rose didn’t laugh. She started setting the table with plates and utensils, casting Ben nervous glances. “Is everything okay?” he asked.

Rose tripped on the leg of the highchair, but recovered before dropping any of the dinnerware. “Yeah, of course it is. Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Because you’re acting weird.”

Finn came in, setting down a bowl of mixed salad at the center of the oak table with a little too much force. “That’s because she invited someone over, sort of as a blind date.”

Ben’s posture stiffened, eyes bulging. “What? Tonight?

“It’s not a ‘date’,” Rose argued pointedly at her husband. “She’s just coming over for dinner.”

Ben stood, setting Will on the floor. “I’m wearing sweats!”

Rose smirked, not finding that to be an acceptable reason not to meet someone new. “It’s okay. I told her that you’ve had a rough few years and that you’re trying to get back on your feet.”

“Rose, she’s gonna think he was homeless or something,” Finn said, pinching the bridge of his nose. “People don’t just wear sweats on a first date unless something is mentally loose.”

“It’ll be fine,” Rose kept insisting. “She understands that people have struggles, and she won’t judge Ben for what he’s wearing. She’s a nun for Godsake –”

“A nun?!” Both Finn and Ben exclaimed.

Rose held up a hand. “An ex-nun. Geeze, what’s the big deal? She’s never dated, you’ve never dated.”

“Ben will date when he’s ready.”

Ben weaved his fingers into his hair, holding his skull in hopes of relieving the pounding in his grey matter. “I’m feeling a bit dizzy.” But through it all, Ben had enough presence to hear Bre going hard at the piano. Again.

Finn was by his side in less than a second, “Look what you’ve done, Rose. He’ll need another heart because of all this stress.”

Even though his heart was racing from a sudden flush of adrenaline tingling throughout his body, Ben found himself saying, “It’s fine. I’m okay.”

Finn clutched at Ben’s elbow, worried he’d fall over. “No, you’re not.”

Will tugged at Ben’s sweatpants. “Do you hate nuns, Unca Ben?”

Ben took a deep breath, patting Will’s head. “No, of course not.”

“Cuz if you do, you’ll go straight to hell.”

Finn gasped, his eyes going immediately to Rose.

“No one is going to hell. And Bre, stop with the piano,” she said sternly before throwing her hands up in defeat. “God, you try to help someone –”

“Ben, leave while you can,” Finn ordered as he dragged him closer to the kitchen. “Go out the back door.”

“My bike’s out front.”

_Ding-dong!_

Everyone went still.

Little Will’s voice cut through the silence. “Oh, shit, the nun is here!”

Finn lunged for his son, attempting to cover his mouth. “Will, don’t you dare talk like that.”

The kid wiggled out of his father’s hold. “It’s okay, Dad. Mom said no one’s going to hell.”

“That’s not what I –”

Finn turned to Ben. “Now, Ben. Back door.”

“What? No!” Rose protested, rounding the table to get to Ben. “You can’t just leave!”

“Always a pleasure Rose!” Ben yelled over his shoulder as he darted through the kitchen and out the rear door, his sneakers hitting the pavement at a dead run. He squeezed himself through the narrow walkway on the side of the house, ducking down so he wouldn’t be seen through the windows.

Peeking around the corner, Ben did a double take. Rose must have been misinformed about the whole ex-nun thing, because the woman Ben saw standing on the porch was most definitely a nun, dressed in full garb and all.

What was Rose thinking? Ben wasn’t even religious. How would that date even work?

He waited till the nun was inside before darting for his bike and speeding down the road, heading downtown to his condo. Despite everything, Ben laughed. While Rose definitely over stepped into his dating life, Ben should’ve seen something like this coming from her.

The road he sped down was completely devoid of traffic and passerby's, letting Ben enjoy the cool summer air all on his own. Feeling his phone vibrate in his pocket, he stopped behind a parked car.

He groaned at seeing the caller ID. “Hey, Dad.”

“Ben,” his father said, a raucous of background noise making it difficult to hear him.  “I need your help.”

“Are you at the restaurant?”

“Please, I will do anything, AN-Y-THING, if you get down here and help me cover the bar.”

“You’re joking.”

“Pete and Lana called in sick, so I had to put Jenny in the nightclub, but then Miguel ended up being a no show and now everything has turned into a shit show.”

“Who’s tending the bar right now?”

“Just me.”

“Yikes.”

“Exactly.” Han went silent as he waited for Ben to give him an answer. Problem was, the last place Ben wanted to be was at The Rogue. Well, second to last. No way he was going back to Finn’s tonight.

Han picked up on Ben’s hesitancy. “I know it’s been a couple of years since you’ve made drinks–

“Try five.”

“–but I’ll owe you. Big time.”

Ben’s hand rubbed at his face. He’d been looking forward to reading the latest issue of Vet-Advantage and playing his Xbox till three in the morning. “Pretty sure my certification is expired.”

“I won’t tell if you wont.”

Ben groaned. Man, he was soooooo gonna regret this. “Fine. But you better remember this when I cash in a favor.”

“Whatever you want, it’s yours. I swear.”

“I just need to swing by my place to change. I’ll be there in thirty minutes.”

“Thirty minutes?!”

“I’m on my bike. And I live on the top floor of the building. Chill.”

“Your bike? How many times have I told you to use my truck whenever you need to go somewhere? Riding around at night can’t possibly be safe. And you have enough money to get your own ca–”

Ben ended the call, not in the mood to hear another ‘lecture’ from his dad.

It wasn’t just Han who tended to treat him like a child. His mother, uncle, Lando, Chewie – it was like nothing had changed for them. Even with a new heart and exceptional health, it was as if they thought he was still dying. Some of the glances they’d give him would say as much.

Ben was perfectly fine using his bike or public transportation for getting around. It wasn’t like he went a lot of places anyway. Why get a car when he didn’t need one? And biking was a great way to get in some added exercise.

He told himself these things as he pedaled home, trying to ignore the real reason why he didn’t own an automobile.

Years of living in fear of going into sudden cardiac arrest didn’t just go away overnight. Ben still felt like it could happen, even though Dr. Kalonia assured him that his health was stable enough for him to operate heavy machinery. But….

None of them could get it. None of them understood or even tried to understand how he felt. He had attempted at explaining his feelings to his family, but they were just as uncomfortable around emotion as one would be the Ebola virus.

His mother made an effort, he supposed. When Ben had gone through the phase of being a ghost wandering around his apartment, casting no shadows, creating no footfalls, she had noticed.

Unlike Han.

So why help out his old man?

Because even after everything, Ben still wanted his father’s affection. At 32, it was pathetic.

()()()()()

Standing on the sidewalk in her black midi-dress and nude pumps, Rey gazed at the double doors that read The Rogue Restaurant. She glanced to the left, seeing a line of people waiting to get inside a different pair of doors, the ones that lead to The Rogue Nightclub. Rey had wondered how a nightclub could also double as a legit restaurant, but now, seeing that they were actually two different places that were situated next to each other, it all made better sense.

You could get your fill of food and sophistication from the fine dining, and then be carefree and wild in less than a minute by hopping next door. And by the look of things, the locals seemed to like that idea.

Rey took a deep breath and went inside.

The restaurant appeared to be completely full. The lounge area was huge, which aided in housing the dozens of people waiting for a table. Heels tapping against the hardwood floors, Rey maneuvered her way to the hostess table just as a frazzled young woman got to the front.

“Good evening,” the employee addressed Rey, failing to hide her frantic demeanor. “How many in your party?”

“I’m actually meeting a group. I think they’re already here. It might be under the name Connix?”

“I just seated them, actually. I can show you to the table.”

Rey followed the young woman, her eyes scanning the inside in more detail. The interior was modern and classy, the light grey walls adorning pictures of places Rey didn’t recognize. All the dark walnut tables were taken, and Rey was surprised to see such a wide range of ages dining in a place like this. She passed by an old couple eating side by side, studiously bent over their meals. Another table housed a group of middle-aged women, giggling as a stern woman dining alone nearby looked on and frowned. Businessmen in grey suits all held menus in their hands, trying to decipher the meals as the family next to them argued over which dessert to order.

Small children were absent, the atmosphere a bit too mature for young kids. But Rey did see some that were in the teenager range, and one that was maybe around nine or ten.

The noise level was high due to the guests and instrumental background music, but it didn’t irritate Rey. Working at construction sites, she had to be comfortable around loud and obnoxious noises.

“Rey,” Kay called out and waved. The woman scooted out of the booth and came to give her a hug, the hostess hurrying back to her station.

As the two women parted, a red haired man stood up and offered Rey his hand. “I don’t think we’ve ever been properly introduced.” No, they haven’t. Rey had seen him around the zoo, but the two of them had never spoken. She was surprised to hear his accent, though. It didn’t sound fake. “I’m Armitage Hux.”

Rey shook his hand. It was warm and wet and she inwardly cringed, inconspicuously wiping her palm against her dress once she was seated.

The booth was crescent shaped, with Armitage and Kay’s date occupying the middle, and the women on the outside.

“I hear you’re from London?” Armitage queried.

“Oh, well, I grew up around there till I was eleven. Then I came to the states. Are you from the area?”

“Surrey. But I always preferred London. More people and things to do, you know?”

No, not really. It’d been years since she last visited England, and most of her memories of London persisted of it being overcrowded, over stimulating, and dirty.

“How do you and Kay know each other?” Rey asked the other man. He stopped himself from taking another bite of a bread stick, crumbs stuck to his thick, but tailored beard.

“This is Hank,” Kay said, placing a hand on his shoulder. “We’re…”

“She’s been my cat’s vet for a few years now,” Hank explained, wiping his mouth with a napkin, somehow missing the crumbs. “Even when she left for the zoo, I still brought Squeaker to her. Squeaker won’t let another vet touch him.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t want anyone else touching your Squeaker.” Kay winked as the men burst out laughing.

Rey was pretty sure she was in hell.

As the laughter subsided, they all switched their focus onto the menus. “Everything is good here,” Kay affirmed to the newcomers.

Rey glanced up from reading the appetizers, giving her friend a small grin. “The place looks nice.”

“It’s okay…” Armitage supposed. “I’ve never eaten at an Italian/Mediterranean fusion restaurant before. I’ve never even heard of such a thing.”

“I think it’s innovative,” Rey added, trying to be positive.

“I don’t know if I’d use the word ‘innovative’ to describe some of the food on this menu.”

And that was the comment that cemented Rey’s suspicion that her date was indeed an outright snob. But her assessment didn’t end there.

Rey caught the way Armitage’s eyes slid over her body, like he was adding up her pluses and minuses to put into a sexual equation. Usually, Rey didn’t care how men looked at her. She worked in a job dominated by men, some of them more interested in measuring their own dicks than putting out decent work. But for the first time in a long time, Rey found herself feeling… uneasy.

“So Rey,” Hux continued, moving a smidge closer to her. “Kay tells me you’re an engineer.”

“An architectural engineer,” Kay piped in, sounding proud. “You know that new building on State Street? That’s Rey’s.”

That perked Armitage’s interest. “You own it?”

“No, I designed it.”

“Oh,” he said with disappointment.

 _Good_ , Rey thought. If Armitage saw her as a letdown, maybe his attention would go elsewhere.

“Can I get you guys started –”

Ben Solo, _the_ Ben Solo, the one Rey had berated only yesterday, stood in front of their table in a black buttoned up shirt and dark slacks, his wide eyes fixated on her. And that voice… that voice did things to her that should’ve been impossible.

Rey’s brain short-circuited and struggled to compute how he, of all people, could be here. From the way he just stared at her, it looked like he was going through the same thought process as well.

“Ben,” Kay said in surprise, nervously glancing between the two of them. Ben tore his eyes away from Rey, freeing her to go back to looking over the menu when all she wanted was for the leather bench to swallow her whole. “What are you doing here?”

“Hey, Kay,” he greeted with uncertainty.

Hank noticed how they were on a first name basis. “You know each other?”

“This is the new vet surgeon for the zoo.”

“You’re a veterinarian?” Armitage asked before snorting out a chuckle. “So, what, you help animals by day, work as a server by night?”

“I’m actually just helping out with bartending. Your server is a little behind; she asked me to get your drinks –”

“Does being a vet pay so little that you gotta bartend?”

Rey’s head turned so fast, that it was a wonder the thing was still attached to her neck. She outright glared at Armitage, opening her mouth and preparing to reprimand him.

But Ben spoke up before she could, not missing a beat. “Thanks for your concern, but I assure you, my salary is perfectly adequate. It’s actually been a while since I’ve last worked here. I’m just working this shift as a fav–”

“I’ll have a DVR,” Armitage stated, uninterested in what Ben had to say.

To his immense credit, Ben somehow remained polite. “You’ll find drinks like that at the nightclub next door. On the back of the men–”

“You’re kidding? What kind of drinks do you have then?”

It would appear that Rey’s accolades for Ben’s cool behavior had been given too soon. Now, having been cut off a few times in a row, the clench in Ben’s jaw became obvious and his stare was as uncomfortable as an opera singer’s corset. “On the back of the menu, we have a list you can choose from.”

Rey had worked as a server at a restaurant before. Even if a drink wasn’t on the menu, she knew that if a customer was polite enough that exceptions could sometimes be made.

Which was why she wasn’t surprised that Ben refused to be accommodating. And Rey didn’t blame him.

Armitage didn’t seem to notice Ben’s growing irritation. That, or he just didn’t care. “What about a Malibu and pineapple, but not too sweet.”

“There are literally three things in that glass… kind of tough to change the flavor profile of any of them.”

“Three?” Hank asked, confused. “What’s the third?”

“Ice,” Ben deadpanned.

Rey laughed. God help her, but she did. She couldn’t stop herself. Covering her mouth and playing it off as if she had a cough, Rey saw some of the tension in Ben’s shoulders loosen as his eyes flickered over to her.

Armitage didn’t notice her gaffe. “Do you have American scotch?”

Ben was frozen for maybe three whole seconds before saying, “I don’t think that’s a thing. Maybe a single malt whiskey –”

“You know what? I’ll just start with a water. Do you have bottled water?”

Rey’s stomach curdled, like milk meeting the acidity of a lemon. She didn’t know how much longer she could endure this exchange. At least Kay was starting to look slightly troubled.

_Serves her right for setting me up with a complete asshole._

“We do,” Ben answered simply.

“Just don’t give me Swiss. I got sick on imported Swiss water once. As long as it’s not Swiss or tap water, it’ll be fine. Preferably French. I’d like it cold, no ice, no glass, just the bottle and a straw.”

Ben’s eyes were as immobile as the rest of his face, as if the whole situation had gone so far past being absurd, that he no longer knew how to react. Rey felt a spark of contamination by association that left her embarrassed and flushing red.

Armitage leaned forward. “You want to write that down?”

“Pretty sure I got it. Anyone else?”

Kay ordered a margarita, and Hank went with a Bloody Mary.

Ben saved Rey for last. “I’m fine with a glass of water. No straw.” Rey might’ve been imagining things, but she swore she saw the corner of his mouth twist up before he walked away.

“Can you believe that guy…” Armitage went on, complaining about Ben’s lack of customer service, wondering if he could get the guy fired by talking to management.

Rey’s hands balled into fists, ready to deck the guy square in the nose if he asked to speak with a manager. Luckily for her date, Armitage decided to let it go. For now.

Through Armitage’s incessant whining and whatever subject Kay tried to change the conversation to, Rey’s eyes had stayed on Ben as he went behind the bar, unable to look away as he mixed the drinks. There was something to the way he ambled about that she found hypnotizing, like he didn’t completely know what to do with his height and broad build, but at the same time, his movements gave off an old-school sex appeal that you’d see in classic movies such as _Casablanca_.

Or _An Affair to Remember_.

And people thought Disney movies gave women unrealistic expectations? For Rey, it was Humphrey Bogart and Paul Newman and Cary Grant that ruined modern men for her.

Maybe when she got home, she’d pop in _Sabrina_ – the one with Audrey Hepburn. Rey wasn’t a fan of remakes.

An older man passed by Ben, serving drinks to those who were sitting at the bar top. He said something to Ben, and he reacted with an eye-roll.

A phone started to ring, and it took a moment for Rey to realize that the old-time ringtone was hers. She looked at the screen, seeing that it was Snap. “Sorry, I need to take this.”

Rey scooted out of the booth and walked toward the back of the restaurant as she answered the call. “Dameron…. Hey Snap…. Uh-huh.” She stopped in a semi quiet spot between the restrooms and the partition by the bar, plugging her other ear so she could better hear Snap.

“I’m glad…. So let's call in a favor with Tony… the bricklayer. We’ll contract them for five days; they’ll do four for me, then one day at the zoo. Either way, they get paid for five like under the original contract…. Who else will be on the clock?”

Rey leaned against the back wall and listened to Snap rattling off names. She glanced over, getting a clear shot of Ben behind the bar, emptying a bottle of Evian water into the sink before refilling it from the tap. As he went to grab a straw, his eyes connected with hers.

Ben went still. Looked down at the water bottle. Then back up at her.

Rey clasped a hand over her mouth, trying to stifle the sudden onslaught of amusement. Ben relaxed, chuckling along with her. The smile they shared sent a thrill down her spine, like they were participating in something secret. Which, she figured, they kind of were. Rey wasn’t going to say anything about the water, and Ben seemed to pick up on that.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m still here,” she said to Snap. “That sounds great.”

With all the drinks organized on a tray, Ben gave her a shy nod before leaving. Rey realized she was still smiling, and couldn’t stop. Did… did this shared little moment erase how she acted towards him the first time they met? Were they ‘okay’ now? Did Rey still need to apologize?

 _Yeah, bitch,_ Rey’s conscience told her. _You yelled at him over an assumption that turned out not to be true._

Rey scooted out of the way of a group of girls exiting from the bathroom. “I’ll talk to you on Monday then – wait, Snap? Do me a favor, call me back in three minutes and just ignore what I say…. Thanks.”

Rey returned the phone to her purse and headed back to the table. Ben was nowhere in sight, but the drinks had all been passed out. Rey sat just as Armitage took a big sip of water through the straw.

“I bet that’s refreshing,” Rey commented, no one picking up on her sarcasm.

Armitage sighed in relief. “Such a difference.”

The table fell back into conversation, none of which Rey participated in. She read the words on the menu, but she didn’t take in any of the descriptions. She was anxiously awaiting Snap to call her back, thinking of all the ways she would make his life a living hell if he didn’t follow through.

Just as Rey started tapping her heel against the floor, her phone went off. This time, Rey pounced to answer. “Dameron… Yeah, Snap? Uh-huh…” The others quieted down, watching her. Rey put her high school level acting chops to use. “Well, I’ll leave right now. Be there in five minutes…. No, it’s not a problem, if I have to be there, I have to be there.”

Rey ended the call.

Kay narrowed her eyes. “Where?”

“The Wabash building.”

“Tonight,” Kay questioned skeptically. “They’re working on a Saturday night?”

“Oh, yeah.” Rey turned to her date. “I’m so sorry, Armitage, really very sorry. It was nice meeting you, and Hank…” She moved to stand, swinging her purse onto her shoulder. “Please, enjoy your evening and… again, I apologize. If you’ll excuse me.”

Armitage opened his mouth to say something, but Rey was already bee-lining it for the walkway that led to the front. She sidestepped a man who abruptly pushed back in his chair, and narrowly missed a woman flinging her arms through the air mid-story.

“Leaving already?”

Rey stopped and whirled around, seeing Ben walking away from one of the tables to stand in the aisle. His face had a way of trapping the air in her lungs, and she figured he must be used to women reacting to him in such a way – sudden pause in a person’s expression, followed by an attempt at acting natural and plastering on a weak smile.

Because that’s exactly what happened to her. “Oh, hi, yes. I just got called to work.”

“And your water… tasted fine?”

“Yes, it was delicious.” Rey cringed and Ben softly chuckled, both recognizing the awkwardness. But there was something else, a kind of gravity that made them incapable of looking away from one another.

It was like the elongated eye contact demanded a greater degree of physical closeness.

_Apologize. Say you’re sorry for how you treated him and then maybe you two can move on to… other things._

But she didn’t have it in her to bring up the elephant so obviously situated between them.

Rey pointed her thumb over her shoulder, her mouth almost too dry to speak. “Well, I should…”

Ben frowned. “Oh, yeah, of course.” Did he not want her to go? But he recovered quickly, flashing her a grin. “Have a good night.”

Taking a step back, Rey didn’t want to turn her back on him. “You, too.” But that’s exactly what she did.

()()()()()

With her foot, Rey closed the door to her brownstone, a bag of dog food occupying her hands. BB jumped onto his paws and wagged his little tail, staring at Rey as she kicked off her pumps. The orange color of BB’s fur reminded her of the horrible date she had escaped from not even an hour ago.

She prayed she never saw Armitage again, but knew that since he worked at the zoo, a run in with the guy was inevitable.

Her phone vibrated from inside her purse, probably another text from Kay. Rey ignored it as she put her bag on the entry table.

“Hey, boy,” Rey greeted and went into the kitchen, opening up the bag. With a cup, she scooped a small portion into BB’s bowl and placed it on the floor.

“C’mon, BB.”

BB didn’t move.

Rey huffed in frustration, motioning for the dog to come over. Still nothing. Grabbing some leftover fried rice from the fridge, Rey bent down and tried enticing BB forward. “BB, let’s go. I gotcha some rice. Yummy human food.” BB whined, stepping back. “God dammit,” Rey sighed.

But then BB suddenly moved toward her, sparking within Rey a glimmer of hope. But just as Rey scooted back, BB went back to his usual ‘waiting for Poe’ spot at the door.

“C’mon, BB. Stop it. He’s gone,” Rey lectured as she loomed over the dog, her anger steadily rising. “You can’t sit here night after night. C’mon, get up…. Do you think this is what Poe would’ve wanted? Get up, BB….”

But the dog was as stagnant as Rey’s progress of emotionally working through her grief.

Rey slumped down, putting her palm out for BB to easily eat the rice. She scratched behind his ears, too tired to hold onto her frustration.

“You took a few steps toward the kitchen. I guess that’s something, right?” Rey stared at nothing in particular, a million memories flashing by in her eyes. She should move and get a place that didn’t hold so much sentiment. But that was the reason Rey always stayed:

Sentiment for a brother who was gone.

Eventually picking herself up off the floor, her body shifted to autopilot mode as it searched for things to do to keep her busy.

On nights like this, Rey usually ended up cleaning her room and trying out an entirely new and elaborate Korean skincare routine, pretending like that was the equivalent of getting her life together. It made her feel better… for a while.

Burrowing into her bed, Rey’s hair was still wet from the shower, but she was too lazy to put out the effort of blow-drying it. Tomorrow was just a Sunday, anyway. Rey’s plans consisted of starting _The Fellowship of the Ring_ and leveling up her _Elder Scrolls Online_ character.

Going through Kay’s texts, her friend had started off by laying the guilt on thick, calling out Rey on her promise to go on the date. About an hour after the first text, though, Kay started changing her tune. Turned out, Armitage was a douchebag and Kay actually apologized for setting Rey up with someone so appalling. In Kay’s defense, she barely knew him.

Rey let her off the hook, citing that they were now even. Kay agreed.

Firing up _Sabrina_ on her MacBook, Rey skipped around to the good parts, finishing the movie in half the time. Not in the mood to watch anything else, she figured she might as well go to bed.

Except it was only 9:40 at night and Rey wasn’t even close to falling asleep. She tossed and turned and adjusted her pillows at least a dozen times. But this time, it wasn’t memories of her brother that plagued her. Somewhere in the time after taking a shower and getting into bed, her mind had drifted to Ben.

Where had she seen him before?

Rey kept berating herself for not taking the opportunity to apologize over her how they met. She didn’t want him to think that she was a crazy person trying to pick fights with men twice her size. First impressions were so important, and Rey had made a mess of hers.

God, she’d been so mean to him. Rey didn’t think herself a callous person… but ever since Poe died, her tolerance for dealing with people had plunged into the negatives. Was she stuck this way? Would there ever come a time where she would feel genuine happiness again?

Rey thought of when she caught Ben swapping out the Evian water for tap. It was the first time she had heartily laughed in two years. Maybe even smiled.

And look at that, she was grinning ear to ear just thinking about it.

_Screw it._

Rey googled the hours for The Rogue Restaurant – it closed at 10:30. In thirty minutes.

Throwing off the blankets, Rey ran about her room, dressing herself in a plain white tee, skinny jeans, and leather strapped sandals. Her hair… god, her hair. Half up, half down was gonna have to do. Some quick mascara and tinted Chap Stick and she no longer looked offensively shabby.

She parked her four-door pickup truck in the parking garage a block from the establishment and ran the rest of the way.

She was too late. The restaurant was closed. But the nightclub was still going strong, and there was only three people waiting outside.

Not wanting to give up just quite yet, Rey got in line, vaguely recalling Kay saying something about how the nightclub and restaurant were connected somehow. Maybe Rey could get in that way.

The burly man working the entrance eyed Rey, probably repulsed over her modest attire. But he accepted her ID, stamped her hand, and let her in. Hopefully, Rey didn’t run into Kay.

The flashing lights, blaring music, and intoxicated attendees reminded Rey why she never got much into clubbing when she was younger. Everything was too much, hiking up her anxiety into oblivion.

She stayed to the right, not bothering going up on the balcony. Situated on the wall near the lounging area was a door, and to Rey’s delight, it was unlocked and unguarded.

The hallway she stepped into was brightly lit and long, and the further Rey walked, the more faint the music became. It must have cost a helluva lot of money to soundproof the walls, but it was an investment well made.

She took a right, another right, walked some more, and then took a left, finally seeing another pair of doors.

“You lost?” a man said from behind, his Spanish accent thick.

Rey stammered over her words. “I – well, I was trying to get into the restaurant… and thought this would lead me –”

“The restaurant is closed,” he said with an air of authority.

“Right.” Rey almost gave up right then and there, but the tiny amount of courage she had left pushed her to keep going. “I’m not looking to eat or anything… I was just wanting to see if someone was still there. An employee.”

“This employee got a name?”

“Ben Solo?” Rey didn’t know why she inflected his name as a question. She chalked it up to nerves.

“Ben,” the man said, a smile stretching across his cheeks. “You’re looking for Ben?”

Rey nodded.

The man laughed, catching Rey off guard. He said something in Spanish before motioning for her to keep walking. “If you go right through those doors, you’ll be able to find him.”

“He’s still here?”

“He should still be restocking the bar. Busy night.”

“Okay…” Rey offered him a small wave. “Thanks for your help.” She walked the rest of the way down the hall and carefully pushed open the doors, barely making a sound. She heard voices as she crept down another corridor, the hallway opening up to the restaurant.

Tables empty and cleaned, it was a jarring contrast to when she had been there earlier. It was almost eerie seeing a place that had been so lively now look so… not.

She followed the voices, getting a clear shot of the bar. Toward the end, a table had been set up, a group of four older men talking and holding cards.

The African-American man, with a clean moustache and purple velvet blazer, appeared to be the loudest of the group. “Point is we got Frank, Dean, Tony Bennett, Perry Como, Pavarotti, Mario Lanza – how much time you got?”

“Plenty,” said one of the other men, smoothing back his grey hair and sporting a lopsided smirk. Rey recognized him as the man who was also bartending with Ben. “You, on the other hand…”

Rey heard the clanking of bottles first before she saw him. A pair of swinging doors opened, allowing Rey to catch a quick glance of the back kitchen before Ben headed over to the bar.

“Ben,” one of the older men called out. “Settle something for us, best male singer?”

Ben lugged the box onto the bar top and knelt down, disappearing. “Of today, or when you old farts were alive?”

“Hey, you little –”

Rey decided to let her presence be known. “Dean Martin.”

The older men were startled, all of them swerving in their chairs to get a good look at her.

But Rey kept her eyes on the man she came there to see.

Ben comically popped up, a bottle of Corona in each hand. Rey saw the shock register on his face before it morphed into what she perceived as immense relief. A small smile played on her lips at knowing that her being there was probably not going to be a huge waste of time.

“Hey… you came back,” he said simply.

Rey shivered, goose bumps and all. It wasn’t from what he said; he could’ve said potato and she still would’ve had the same reaction.

It was his voice, his low timbre like vanilla pudding, sweet in a seemingly ordinary way until you got a taste. Rich and luxurious and warm. He had to be a baritone at church, or had been asked to narrate books. Do voice overs on Television. Or commercials.

To not record that voice and give it out to the public mass – i.e. Rey – was a crime she needed to rectify.

But first: apologize.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The scene with the nun and Hux ordering the water and Ben switching it out is all based on scenes from the movie. So I take no creative ownership over those ideas.
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed! If you want to see more, leave a comment!


	5. All Along, There Was This Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben are able to talk at the restaurant, Leia meddles, and lots of Reylo interaction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all those who have commented, you are all amazing! Thank you so much!

It was like a car accident in Ben’s head.

One moment, he was cruising around the basement of the restaurant and hauling up case loads of different alcoholic beverages, minding his own business while restocking the bar, throwing words back and forth with his old man… then the next, every thought and ounce of cognition slammed into a five-foot-seven-inch brunette beauty, the one Ben had been constantly thinking about since the moment she yelled at him yesterday.

He openly gawked at seeing Rey… in the restaurant… looking right at him.

Not the best time for his executive functioning to take a hike, probably in the effort of protecting itself from going into complete overload.

The men – Han, Luke, Lando, and Chewie – went silent, looking from Ben… to Rey… to Ben… not knowing who to put their focus on.

But who the fuck cared about those old timers because Rey was here.

Actually, corporeally here.

This was a surprise, and Ben didn’t necessarily like surprises. Not even on his birthday. But this… well, Ben didn’t mind this kind of surprise. Nor did he fight the relief that settled into him, warming his marrow.

“Hey,” he eventually said, voice gravelly and low. “You came back.”

 _Yes, we’ve already established that_ , his mind reprimanded him. _Move on._

Except, Ben didn’t quite know what to do next. He’d never been faced with a gorgeous woman suddenly showing up at a place of work just to see him.

Wait… was she here to see him? Wasn’t she dating that redheaded guy? But if she was, why was she here?

Then Rey smiled at him, and Ben almost dropped the beers he’d forgotten were in his hands. There were dimples... on her cheeks. Dimples! It brought an innocence to her beauty that made standing up straight that much more strenuous.

She opened her mouth. Ben held his breath in anticipation of hearing her voice again.

But then all hell broke loose.... because of-fucking-course his mother would decide to make an appearance at the most pinnacle point of Ben’s existence.

Leia pushed through the double doors, her dress slacks and blouse perfectly in place, her name brand purse hanging off of her shoulder. “I swear to God, Han, you should thank me for not selling my share of this place to you in the divorce.” Oblivious to what was happening, Leia went to the mini fridge behind the bar, grabbing herself a bottled water. “You and Lando would’ve ran this place into the ground ages ago–”

Leia paused, bottle halfway to her lips, her eyes fixated on Rey for a long moment before shifting to her son.

That was when Ben saw it, that twinkle in his mother’s eye, the one that meant she was going to meddle in his life and have zero remorse about it.

Ben never saw his mom move so fast: one moment she was behind the bar, and then she was in front of Rey, shaking the girl’s hand. “Hello, dear. I’m Leia Organa, Ben’s mother –”

Han jumped out of his chair, putting on that lopsided grin people found so stupidly charming. “And I’m his father, Han Solo,” he said as he neared the two women, Leia giving him some serious side eye.

The rest of the guys stood... and that was when Ben snapped out of feeling like he was in an alternate dimension and finally got enough wits to proactively stop whatever nightmare was about to happen. Desperation made him jump over the bar top so he could get to Rey before everyone could crowd her.

From the look she gave him, it was apparent Rey was nervous.

But still she smiled, trying to be polite. “Maybe I heard wrong, but you two own the restaurant?” she asked his parents.

“And the nightclub next door.”

“All three of us co-own it,” Lando interjected, wedging himself between Han and Leia.

“Hardly,” Leia rebuked with a glower pointed at Lando. “You just know how to spend my money.”

Lando smoothly shook Rey’s hand, ignoring Leia’s remark. “I’m Lando Calrissian, and might I just say, it is a pleasure to meet such a beautiful young woman.”

Ben almost barfed in his mouth.

Lando held onto Rey’s hand longer than was appropriate. Before Ben could do anything, Leia pulled Rey away, guiding her to the back of the restaurant where the booths were located.

Ben trailed after them, his anxiety spiking. “Mom, maybe you should–”

“What’s your name, dear?”

Rey’s eyes kept darting to Ben. “Reyna, but everyone calls me Rey.”

“Well, Rey, have you eaten?” Leia gently prompted Rey to sit in a booth. “Are you hungry?”

“Oh, I didn’t come here to eat–”

Leia whirled around, barking orders. “Chewie, make the girl a plate of pasta. Luke, grab some hummus, pita bread, and water to get her started.”

“Mom –”

“Lando, grab a candle and put on some music. Something soft and intimate.” Leia leaned in closer and whispered, “It needs to set the mood.” Lando nodded and ran away.

“What about me?” Han asked, standing off to the side.

Leia panged him with a stare. “You just stay out of the way.” Han rolled his eyes.

“Mom, you can’t just–”

Leia shoved him onto the bench opposite of Rey, startling Ben into silence. When did his mom get so strong? “And you, Benjamin, will keep the girl company. It’s bad manners to leave a woman dining alone.” She turned to Rey just as Lando and Luke came back, placing a candle in the middle of the table and the appetizer in front of her. “I hope you enjoy the meal. The hummus is homemade. Secret recipe.”

Yeah, secret... as in his mother didn’t know how to make it because they had a little old Greek woman come in every other day to prepare it in large batches.

Mouth hanging open, Ben watched Leia gather the men and usher them back into the kitchen, the swinging doors the only noise filling the thick silence.

Everything happened so quickly and out of his control that as Ben sat there, eyes going to Rey, the realization of what his family had just done hit him.

They had orchestrated a date basically out of thin air, and had zero tact as they forced this girl to stay… with him. Oh no, was this a form of kidnapping? Was he an accomplice?

Ben. Was. MORTIFIED.

He gulped. “I’m so sorry. You can totally leave if you –”

Rey raised her hand in an effort to placate him. “No, it’s okay. I’ll stay. I can always use a free meal. Or… do I have to pay for it? It’s totally fine if –”

“It’s on the house.”

Music came through the speakers, and whad’ya know, it was Dean Martin. More specifically, _A Winter Romance_. Wrong season to be played in, but Ben knew what Lando was going for.

He stared daggers at the kitchen doors, hoping that his annoyance would stretch all the way over to Lando and choke him to death.

“Good song,” Rey commented.

Ben chewed at the inside of his cheek, then leaned forward. “You sure you don’t want to leave?”

“I’m sure. I... I actually came down here to see you.”

God, Ben really could listen to her talk all night… or the rest of his existence. He didn’t even know he had a thing for English accents till Rey came barreling into his life. Or maybe he just had a thing for her.

There was silence for a moment, Rey waiting for his response. Ben had been so preoccupied with her voice, he hadn’t really processed what she had said. He replayed – “Really? You… you came here to see me?”

“Yeah… I wanted to….” Rey said quietly, less sure. She ripped off a piece of bread, dipped it into the hummus and took a bite. After a few seconds of chewing and swallowing, she spoke up. “I hope everything was fine with the others who stayed for dinner?”

Ben had a feeling that’s not what she’d been about to say. But he wasn’t about to call her out on it.

He shrugged. “Kay and her date were fine.”

“And Armitage?” she asked, taking another bite.

“Who?”

“The red head.”

“Ah.” Ben let his back rest against the booth. “Well, his demands didn’t end with the water.”

Rey lowered the bread back into the basket. “Oh, no. What happened?”

“Fortunate for me, his server had to deal with him the rest of the night. But she told me that he wanted to sub out the sides of a dish for a steak and pay no extra money. Mind you, there was already a steak that came with the meal.”

Rey blanched. “He wanted two steaks? You’re kidding.”

Ben shook his head. “Nope. He rattled on about some type of diet he was on, that carbs would kill him or something and he could only eat meat.”

Rey’s gaze lowered to the table as she mumbled, “My goodness.”

“Then–”

She snapped her attention back on him. “There’s more?!”

“– he lit up a cigar and began smoking. My dad went over to deal with him and threatened to kick him out. The guy got so offended, he just left on his own.”

Rey drank some of her water, getting the excess off with the back of her hand. “I… wow. I’m sorry you guys had to deal with him.”

Ben placed his palms on the table, clearing his throat. “You know, and I hope I’m not offending you, but if all that guy does is smoke and eat meat, your boyfriend might just be a barbecue.”

“Oh, he isn’t my boyfriend,” Rey immediately rectified. “He isn’t even an acquaintance. Kay set me up with him, but I hadn’t actually met him until tonight.”

 _Don’t ask, Ben. Don’t do it_. “So… no boyfriend?”

She let out a bashful laugh, releasing some of the tension. “No, no boyfriend.”

Ben internally celebrated like he’d just won the lottery. Twice.

The kitchen doors opened and Chewie made his way over, all seven-feet-two-inches of him invading the moment and setting down a plate filled with spaghetti and meatballs. Chewie gave Ben a not so subtle wink before getting scarce.

Rey dug into the food, proving that she was just being courteous when telling Leia she didn’t need to be fed. Apparently, the girl was holding back on the bread and hummus. But put a huge plate of pasta in front of her and she just couldn’t resist. A few minutes later, Rey seemed to come out of her food-trance, an innocent blush blooming across her cheeks as she peeked up at him through long lashes.

Ben had watched her the whole time as he nibbled on some pita bread, concluding that Rey ate like a beguiling six-year-old. And boy could she eat quickly; more than half the spaghetti was now gone.

“What about you?” Rey asked after a brief sip of water. “Got a girlfriend?”

“Nope. I’m waaaaay single. Like, deeply single. As single as they come. At this point it’s probably a condition.”

_Stop talking._

Rey swirled some more noodles onto her fork. “You make it sound like you don’t date.”

“It’s… been a very long time.” As in, never. But how pathetic would that be if he admitted the truth? Best to keep his lack of dating experience to himself.

“Dating is crappy and not all that great, anyway. When I was younger, I was more into it.”

Ben raised his brows. “You don’t date anymore?”

Rey was playing with the food rather than actually eating it, pushing the noodles around with the fork. “Not really. I got sick of telling men about myself, only for them to decide I wasn’t what they were looking for. That, or some of them were weirdos who were way into their video games.”

“Would this be a bad time to tell you I have an Xbox?”

Rey chuckled, and Ben smiled. “Since you seem to be socially normal and well groomed, I won’t count it against you. And… I might have an Xbox, too.”

“You game?”

Rey tucked some hair wisps behind her ears, glancing down at the meal, all shy-like. Ben took in more of her cheekbones, full lips, sun-kissed skin, and imagined what it would be like to kiss her. There was something so sexy in the vulnerable look she was giving off, and Ben’s heart beat faster than what the design specs should’ve allowed.

“Hardly. I’m not very good, and I stick to the few games I like.”

Ben tilted his head. “Like what?”

Rey pushed the plate out of the way, resting her crossed arms on the table. “Well, anything _Elder Scrolls_. I absolutely loved _Skyrim_ , but I play _Elder Scrolls Online_ on occasion.”

“Which class is your character?”

“You know your way around the game?”

“I dabble.”

The conversation stayed on the topic of video games, the two of them having a healthy debate over whether _Skyrim_ was actually better than _Morrowind_ , before moving on to _Fallout_. Ben was impressed by her knowledge of the RPGs, even if Rey kept insisting that she really wasn’t that great of a gamer.

Overall, the discussion flowed easily and naturally, the awkwardness from earlier now long gone.

Rey was laughing at something Ben had said as she reclined back, closing her eyes and rubbing her belly. Ben’s gaze zeroed in on her licking her lips. He rolled his tongue in his mouth, swallowing back a wad of saliva.

“Mmmmmm,” Rey sighed in contentment. “That pasta was so good and exactly what I needed.”

“Whenever you want a meal, just swing by. We won’t even charge you.”

“Will you be here?”

“No, me working here tonight was a rarity.” He saw the disappointment register on her face. “The last time I did was five years ago. It’s just a lot of people called in sick or no-showed, so my dad begged me to help.”

“Crazy I ran into you again on a night you shouldn’t have been here.”

“Yeah…. Crazy.” _Thank you, Universe_. “But you can visit me at the zoo whenever. How much longer are you working on the Primate House.”

“Few more months, at least.”

A few more months of seeing each other, likely everyday, maybe taking breaks together, eating lunch and talking. The possibilities made Ben giddy.

Rey looked out over the empty restaurant, rubbing her lips together, unknowingly torturing Ben. “I’m sorry, Ben,” she apologized softly. “For yelling at you at Park Place.” Her eyes met his, honest and desperate. “I swear, I’m not the kind of person who just goes off on complete strangers. Well, I mean, maybe sometimes, but what I did and said to you was completely unwarranted. And I know you’re probably confused abo–”

“Kay actually gave me the cliff notes version before she left.”

Kay had talked to Ben at the bar on her way out, apologizing that he had to interact with Rey again. After Ben stressed that everything was fine, she quickly explained Rey’s vendetta with the zoning council and how he’d been dragged into the drama.

Rey exhaled. “Right, well…. Again, I deeply apologize for my behavior. Friday was not a good day for me.”

“I’m sorry you were having such a bad day.”

Rey looked at him as if he’d just grown a horn out of the middle of his forehead. “I humiliated you in front of a bunch of people and you’re offering me your sympathy?”

“A bunch of people I don’t even know and I’ll probably never see again. It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. Not to me.”

It was obvious Rey was taking the incident a lot more seriously than him. Truthfully, Ben wasn’t mad at her, nor did he feel embarrassed. Having faced death and coming out the other end alive and healthy had prescribed him a perspective on life that was rare nowadays. Mainly, he didn’t give a shit what a bunch of inconsequential people thought of him.

Just his family. But he was working on that.

Ben had started twisting the paper wrapping from the straw around his fingers, his hands needing something to do. “If it helps, I forgive you and would really like to put our first meeting behind us.”

“I – Thank you. I’d like that as well.”

There was that static again, the sort of crackling that happened whenever the two of them were around each other. When they first met – Rey yelling at him and Ben floundering with confusion – it had been enough to make the little hairs stand on the back of his neck. Now, the energy felt like it was strong enough that he should be afraid for his life. Like, if their hands accidentally touched or if his palm brushed at the base of her back, he would be electrocuted with enough volts to kill him.

“So I was just–”

“This is going to–”

They both spoke at the same time, chuckling as they stopped. “You go first,” Rey said.

Ben’s heart started to rev up again. “Uh, well… it’s just… the night’s about over and you’re probably going to go back home soon –”

“I don’t have to. As far as I can tell, the sun hasn’t come up yet.” As Rey blushed, Ben’s look of bafflement became a shy smile. “Got any ideas of what to do at–,” Rey checked her phone, “–11:43 at night?”

“The nightclub is still open... but honestly, I’d rather not go over there.”

“Me either. I’m not a huge partier.”

That was a huge relief.

“What do you like to do?”

“I’m more of a homebody. I usually just hunker down in my bed, grab some snacks, and watch movies. I was meaning to start _Lord of the Rings_ over the weekend–”

“Regular, or extended version.”

Rey put on a show of appearing offended. “Extended version. I’m not an animal.”

“We could do that.”

Rey laughed, thinking he was joking. She quieted down once she realized that he was serious. “Do you have any idea how long the first one is?”

“208 minutes,” Ben stated matter-of-factly. “But you were the one who insinuated that the night was still young.”

He could see Rey mulling it over, her teeth gnawing at her lips and forehead creased with thought. “Okay…” she nodded her head slowly. “Okay, yeah. Let’s do it. I live about thirty minutes away. How close are you?”

“Top floor of this building.”

“Your place it is then.” She leaned in, whispering even though there was no one to hear them. “Would your parents care if we stole some dessert?”

Ben listed forward. “I don’t think they’d mind. You have a preference for anything in particular?”

“I like anything sweet. Surprise me.”

He scooted out of the booth. “I’ll go see what I can find.”

“I’ll be here.”

Ben went to the kitchen, heading to the back where the walk-in fridge was located. He searched around, loading up a plate with a variety of desserts: a chocolate ganache and raspberry caramel shortbread tart, individual cups of tiramisu and crème brulée, topped with a couple chocolate éclairs.

Exiting and closing the fridge, he froze.

As Leia came charging out of the office, she looked as much like a pouncing tiger as a tiny, utterly distinguished wealthy older woman could – which was, actually, not like a tiger at all, but more like Marie Antoinette coming at one of her servants to demand more diamonds to be plastered onto her walls.

There was a flush to Leia’s face that denoted her sudden adrenaline spike, and she must have been redoing her hair before rushing into the kitchen upon hearing his arrival, because half of her hair was braided while the other side hung past her shoulders. Or was that just the latest fashion trend? To look haphazardly put together? The nineties were coming back, after all….

Leia shot out the questions. “What’s going on? Are you two getting along? Does she like you? Have you asked her on a date yet? Why does she have an accent? Is she Eng–”

“Why the hell are you still here?” he cut her off, keeping his voice low.

Leia pinched his side. Ben recoiled with a hiss. “You’re lucky it’s just me. The guys wanted to stay and spy on you, but I made them leave.”

“So you could spy on me all by yourself. How altruistic of you.”

Ben headed for the double doors; Leia stopped him next to the prepping table. “I’m not getting any younger, Ben. I need grandbabies before I die, and Rey seems perfectly lovely and–”

“You’re getting a thousand steps ahead of yourself.”

“You don’t have to be married to her before having a child. That’ll save you a few steps.”

Ben’s eyes tightened as he stared at her. “That woman out there isn’t just a uterus, got it? I don’t want to hear you talking about Rey like that.”

Instead of showing embarrassment over reducing Rey to her reproductive system, Leia suddenly glowed with happiness, ignoring Ben’s lecture. “You’re already smitten, aren’t you? It’s happening, I’m going to be – wait. What are you doing with all these desserts?” Leia gasped, placing a hand over her heart. “Are you two going up to your place? Is she staying over?”

Ben groaned and tried to leave. “Oh my god, Mom. You need to stop.”

Leia grabbed his arm, pulling him to a halt.  “Now, I know your father gave you ‘the talk’ when you were younger, but you shouldn’t listen to a word he sai–”

Ben jerked away. “Holy fuck, if you’re about to talk to me about safe sex, I will vomit all over your designer shoes.”

Leia scoffed and had the gall to be affronted. “Safe sex? Have you not been listening to me? I want grandchildren. Screw safe sex–”

“Keep your voice down,” Ben said through clenched teeth, glancing at the doorway. “And I’m not talking about my sex life with my mother.”

He made for his escape, but somehow, Leia kept pace with him. “Well, don’t talk about it with Han–”

“I’m not talking about it with either of you. And that includes right now.”

“Just make sure she’s clean. You’re especially susceptible to STDs on your meds.”

Ben kicked at the doors, his mother thankfully staying behind. Rey jumped from the sudden noise. They stared at one another, and then she smiled. Ben grinned back, and then the weight of the situation finally slammed into him.

A girl was coming up to his place. To hang out. To talk. To do things, like breathe and sit on his couch and watch his TV. Maybe use his bathroom, because everyone uses one of those.

Holy shit.

Ben started to internally freak out.

()()()()()

Rey held the plate of desserts as Ben unlocked the door to his condo, allowing her to go in first. He turned on the lights and noticed how Rey stopped, eyes bugging out of her head as she took his place in.

To Ben, it wasn’t much. Maybe because he was so used to it. But his mother had found this place for him after the surgery and had it completely renovated and updated: marble countertops, stainless steel appliances, dark hardwood floors, and sleek and modern furniture. The tones were a mixture of light and dark, the dark blue sectional and metallic end and coffee table contrasting nicely against the light grey walls.

And everything was on display since it was an open concept, his mother having watched way too many episodes of Property Brothers on HGTV.

To the left was the kitchen, and against the far wall was a quaint dark walnut table big enough for four people, maybe six if everyone sat close together. The living room was to the right, his 80 inch TV hanging on the wall and surrounded by custom built shelving for his many books, DVD’s, and various research manuals pertaining to anything about veterinary medicine.

Ben awkwardly hung back by the door. “So… yeah... this is me.”

“How can you afford something like this downtown?” Rey covered her mouth and turned around to address him. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. That was rude of me.”

Ben chuckled, not at all offended. “No, it’s okay.” He took the plate from her and placed it on the coffee table. “I inherited money from my family when I turned 21, and I have other investments that help me out.”

“Oh,” was all Rey said, shifting her weight between her legs and looking uneasy standing in between the kitchen and living space.

Her sudden shift in mood threw Ben off. The tension from earlier was back, and he wasn’t sure how to interpret it.

He set out in the direction of the kitchen, pausing for a fraction of a second when he was next to her, like he was about to say something. But he wasn’t sure why she seemed so closed off. Was she regretting coming back to his place? Was she uncomfortable being alone with him?

They had met yesterday, and only just got on friendly terms today. Was it too fast to bring her here? Ben had no intention of taking things far with her. But he was a big guy who had resting I’m-going-to-kill-you face, when really, he hadn’t been involved in a fight since he was a teenager and his anger issues were completely under control. But regardless of switching over to the ‘I’m a lover, not a fighter’ headspace, people didn’t see that when looking at him. Day or night, people tended to stay clear when walking past him on the sidewalk or in a grocery store.

As Ben searched for something to say, his eyes fell on the pillbox on the counter. He hurried over, putting it in a drawer. Glancing at Rey, he was somewhat relieved that she wasn’t looking at him. But had she seen the pillbox when she first came in?

With hands slightly trembling, he fished out two forks and put them on the island. “You can get started on the desserts whenever you want,” Ben offered, giving her an opportunity to decline and then leave. But Rey nodded, her gaze looking at everything but him as she went to retrieve the utensils.

“Got anything to drink?” she asked as she looked at what was on the plate, back turned to him.

“There’s water and soda–”

“Anything stronger?”

Ben hadn’t been expecting that. “I have some wine.”

“Wine sounds good.”

Grabbing a bottle of Pomerol from the mini wine cooler, he opened it quickly, nervous that if he took too long Rey might abruptly leave. In which case, he wouldn’t stop her, of course, but he would be somewhat crushed over it.

What’s the normal protocol for having a woman in your apartment? Feed her and tell her she’s pretty? Well, Rey’d already been fed, and if he told her how beautiful she was this early on, it might come off as creepy. And she detested creepy.

Taking out two wine glasses from the top cupboard, he poured them both a generous amount. Ben didn’t drink often. In fact, he never had before the surgery. After, though, he found he enjoyed wine on occasion, and preferred a nice glass of bourbon or gin at family dinners.

As long as he didn’t drink in excess, alcohol didn’t interfere with his medications. And boy, did he take a lot of pills. Though, not as much as that first year after the transplant. Now that he was in the maintenance phase, the meds were more manageable and his body was responding well to having someone else's organ in his chest. But it was still a good amount, and he would have to be on them for the rest of his life.

Since some of the prescriptions were immunosuppressants, Ben made sure he washed his hands hourly, always had hand sanitizer in his pocket, and wore gloves and a mask whenever working with animals. And if someone was sick? He avoided them.

Most of his previous co-workers thought he was a germophobe. Ben didn’t correct them.

Rey was standing in front of his custom built bookcase when he came over and handed her a glass. As she took a sip, her eyes perused the different bindings of the novels that covered most of the wall.

“You have great taste in literature,” Rey commented, the tips of her fingers brushing across the leather spines. Her smile was small, but Ben took it as a lifeline. Maybe she wasn’t about to bolt out the door after all. “Some of these are my favorites.”

“Which ones?”

She eyed him in a way Ben thought to be flirtatious. “Lets see if you can guess. ‘I must not fear.’”

Ben continued the quote, knowing it by heart. “‘Fear is the mind killer.’”

They both said the next part in unison. “‘Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.’”

Rey took another sip, all the while appraising him with her stare. “You know your _Dune_.”

“I sure hope so. I’ve read the books dozens of times. Especially when I was younger.”

“Not so much anymore?”

“I don’t need the escape as much.” Ben reached across from her to grab _The Fellowship of the Ring_ DVD, getting an unexpected sniff of her hair. “God, your hair smells good.”

Ben couldn’t believe what just came out of his mouth... or that he just smelled her hair.

Rey leaned back, her hands flying to her hair, patting it down. “It’s the conditioner I – I washed my hair, before coming down here.”

Blushing slightly would have been no problem, except Ben went as red as a radish and radiated heat like a frying pan. It was hard to miss. He could’ve cooked a three-course meal on his face, enough to feed a banquet hall. Was it too much to pray to ‘do a Daphne’ and drop through a Scooby-doo style trap door, the floor doing him a solid and swallowing him whole? Could that be a thing?

But the universe wasn’t going to come to his rescue. It was done. Forever written in history. Absolute. A torturous memory that would find him in the quiet moments of falling asleep, replaying all the humiliating things he’d done throughout his life.

Ben swallowed, pressing his lips together. Rey’s wide-eyed gaze lowered to his mouth before she went to the couch and rigidly sat down, taking a big gulp of the red wine.

Ben popped the DVD into his Xbox, switching the TV over to the gaming input. His face had cooled off, but he was sweating beneath his shirt and had to excuse himself to go change – which he should’ve done in the first place since he was still in his restaurant attire.

Splashing cold water on his face, he dried off his torso with a towel, applying a generous amount of Old Spice deodorant. He caught his reflection in the mirror, at the scar going down the center of his chest. Lightly, his fingers trailed down the raised line, passing over the small bumps from the staples.

Ben sighed. It wasn’t the most attractive sight.

Wearing socks, dark jeans, and a black shirt, Ben went back out, expecting to see Rey gone. But she was still on the couch, sandals off and legs tucked in next to her. He gave her a timid smile and sat at the other end of the sofa, grabbing the Xbox controllers and going through his apps to find the one that played DVDs.

“So…” Rey’s lovely voice broke through the silence. “Why did you need it before? The escape with books?”

The menu for the movie came on, the music faintly playing in the background.

“Oh. Uh…” Ben angled his body toward her, and found she was already facing him, her expression attentive. “Family issues.” It was a fraction of the truth; he just omitted the part about being born with crappy genetics. “My parents divorced when I was nine, my dad was never around and my mom was too engrossed with being a senator.” He summed years of his life into one sentence, recalling how it took him almost dying during youth football for Leia to actually notice he was there. “Books gave me a way to live, I guess. What about you? I take it you’re a big reader.”

“Yeah… I, um….” She fidgeted, adjusting the right shoulder of her t-shirt. “My parents died when I was seven, leaving my older brother and I behind. He left off for college while I stayed with a relative. The guy wasn’t… the nicest person.” Ben could tell there was more to that statement than she was letting on. “So I read a lot, mostly fantasy and science fiction. I feel like those kinds of books gave me the greatest sense of adventure, you know? I could imagine myself somewhere else other than that fucking trailer.”

“Shit… and here I am, telling you that my parents had a divorce.”

“A divorce is still a hard thing for a kid to go through.”

“Yeah, but… I mean, you lost yours.”

Rey shrugged, trying to come off like it was no big deal. Her glossy eyes said otherwise. “I had my brother. He came and got me out of that place when I was eleven… took me back to the States with him. He was 21 and still in school, but we made it work. I did a lot of babysitting and house cleaning and even though it was hard, I always preferred it to being back at Unkar’s.” Rey paused, looking at the TV. “Before my brother came, I was actually preparing to runaway and live on the streets; eat food out of a dumpster if I had to.”

Ben surmised that Unkar was the relative she had stayed with in England. “Where’s Unkar now?”

“Hopefully rotting in a grave somewhere.”

Ben hoped so, too.

“Your brother sounds like a good man,” he said, trying to veer the conversation to a happier topic.

A morose smile manifested on her crimson lips. “He was. He was the best; we were a team. We supported each other. But he’s dead now. I’m all that’s left of my family.”

The subject change clearly didn’t work, the tears in Rey’s eyes about to spill over.

Ben couldn’t help but feel for the girl. He couldn’t imagine losing your entire family, being the only one that was alive. Ben had yet to even experience a major loss. Both sets of grandparents had passed before he was born, his dad’s sister died when Han was 27 and before he met Leia, and his mom miscarried what would’ve been a younger sibling when Ben was three.

Parents, uncles, and family friends were all still living.

But to have experienced such loss early on in life like Rey had? He didn’t know how she was still standing.

Ben figured the socially acceptable thing to say to that would’ve been ‘I’m sorry that happened to you’ or ‘That couldn’t have been easy.’ But instead, what he found himself saying was, “You must feel so alone.”

“Every second of every day.” They both sat in a moment that was knee deep in emotion. A tear finally made its escape. Rey wiped it away quickly, clearing her throat as she sat up. “Wow. I’m sorry, this all got too heavy too quick–”

“No, it’s all right. I want to know everything about you.” Ben cringed at how stalker-ish that sounded. “Was that too forward?”

Rey shook her head. “I don’t think so. I’d like to get to know you, too.”

Tearing his eyes away from hers, he started the movie “Shall we compare the film to the books so we can see who's the bigger _Lord of the Rings_ fan?”

Rey positioned herself to face the TV, her competitive nature latching on to Ben’s suggestion. “You’re on.”


	6. The Scoundrel and His Princess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get a snippet into Han and Leia's life, Rey and Ben have breakfast together, and first date ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for the comments! You breathe life into this story!

In the mirror hanging on the office wall, Leia had braided and tied off the other half of her hair, moving on to reapplying her lipstick. It might be close to midnight, but Leia didn’t like going outside without a little rouge on her aged lips.

Han was half sitting on the desk, his pants back on and his breathing less erratic. He watched her from where he was perched, making Leia a tad bit uneasy. “Close call, huh?” Han joked. Leia glared at him through the mirror. “When I heard the freezer open, I thought Ben had heard us in here for sure.”

Leia fixed the outline of the lipstick with the tip of her finger. “And it would’ve been your fault since you knocked over the lamp.”

Han pointed to himself, all _what, me?_ “I recall that it was both of us moving the desk. And you were rather enjoying it.” Leia rolled her eyes so hard, she expected to see her brain. “And if you want to talk about potential blame, what were you thinking walking out of here looking like that? Anyone with two eyeballs could tell you were getting some–”

Leia capped the lipstick, turning around to face Han. “Fault aside, we can’t do stuff like that while Ben is around.”

“Stuff like... fucking you on a desk?” Giving him a flat stare, Leia went to rummage through her purse hanging off of the chair… which left her standing rather close to her ex-husband.

Han leaned toward her. “What? There’s no need to be all proper when it’s just the two of us here. I know you like dirty talk. And don’t lie and say that sneaking around doesn’t give you a thrill.”

Han nudged her with his shoulder. She nudged back. “No more cutting it close, Han. You were supposed to leave with the others –”

His hand went up and down her arm before positioning her between his legs, his arms wrapping around her waist. “I wanted to spend some time with you. Is that so wrong? And we wouldn’t have to do all this tiptoeing around if we just came out and told people we’re back together.”

“We aren’t back together.”

Han sighed, tired of this old argument. “You just keep saying that, sweetheart.”

Leia wiggled out of his hold, grabbing her purse to leave. “I mean it, Han. We both agreed a year ago that this was just a casual thing.”

He put his hands up, all innocent like. “Well… I lied. I don’t want casual.”

“You don’t know what you want,” she muttered, leaving the office.

Han was right behind her. “Pretty sure I just told you.”

Leia went to the back door, making sure it was locked. “Us getting back together would be too hard on Ben.” _Let alone me_.

Han batted his hand through the air. “Ben will be fine. What kid wouldn’t be happy to see their parents together again?”

“It would be too confusing for him.” Leia turned off the lights next, going for the kitchen doors.

“Jesus, Leia. Ben’s 33. He isn’t a child anymore –”

Leia wheeled around, her frustration finally spilling over. “He’s my child, Han. He will always be my child, no matter what his age.”

Han’s shoulders tensed as he got defensive. “He’s my child, too, and I’m saying that he could handle us getti–”

Leia basically punched the kitchen doors open, storming out onto the restaurant’s main floor. “That’s rich, coming from you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’ve barely been a father to him.”

“Not this again…”

“Yes, this again.” Leia opened the front door, locking it before shutting it securely. They stayed by the outside entrance as Leia lectured him, Han visibly getting uncomfortable. “What, you think you should be awarded ‘Dad of the Century’ because you gave up the Air Force when he was born? You just went right into commercial flying and we never we saw you. We’d fight and then you’d leave for weeks at a time. But I stayed, Han. And when Ben got sick? Where were you? We were divorced, but that shouldn’t be a reason not to see your son. Three years, Han, remember? Your longest stretch of not seeing him was three years.”

Han’s voice cracked as he said, “I sent him postcards –”

“To hell with your stupid postcards,” Leia snapped out harshly as she walked onto the sidewalk, a couple of passerby eyeing her. “Ben wanted you.”

Han grabbed her arm. “It’s not like you’re the patron saint of motherhood, Leia.”

“I stepped down as a senator so I could take care –”

“And you’ve been bitter about it ever since.”

Oh, no. He did not just go there. “You’re a dick.”

“And yet, you’re the one who keeps coming back for it.”

Whoa.

But really, Leia shouldn’t be shocked over what came out of Han’s mouth. Fighting and arguing was old news when it came to him.

By the look of surprise on Han’s face, he regretted the words instantly. Leia turned, thinking his hand would fall away from her arm. But he latched on tighter, his desperation sinking into her empathy.

“Wait, I’m sorry. I’m… I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have said something like that. It was inappropriate.”

Leia exhaled roughly. She was tired; so, so tired. “What do you want from me, Han? What are we doing?”

Han was standing in the warm outside air in the middle of June, and yet, he trembled. He looked away briefly, dropping his hold on her. “I… I’ve never stopped loving you, Leia,” he said, barely above a whisper. Their eyes met, his pleading. “I want to be with you. It’s only ever been you for me.”

It was the first time Leia heard Han use the ‘L’ word since before their split.

Opening her mouth she–

Shut it. Shook her head. Made another attempt. “We tried that. We got a divorce.”

“I wasn’t a good husband and father back then. I admit that and I take full responsibility for it. But I’m trying to be better. I want to be better… for you and for Ben. Life is short, and I miss my family.”

“Does this change in perspective have anything to do with your stroke?”

One evening, five weeks after Ben’s surgery, Han started exhibiting strange symptoms while at the restaurant: left side of his face drooping, slurred speech, coordination shot to shit. Lando had rushed him to the hospital and the medical personnel were able to save his life. Han got lucky there wasn’t any permanent damage, but he still needed six weeks of physical therapy to improve his reflexes and motor function.

Leia helped him out a lot during that time – keeping him company, driving him to appointments, making sure he was eating. Her life had revolved around jumping from Han to Ben, Ben to Han, being a caretaker for them both. During the process, Leia and Han had gotten closer, much against the protestations of her heart.

Did it urge Ben to seek out a better relationship with his father? No… because Han made everyone swear not to tell Ben.

 _“The kid has enough on his plate already,_ ” he had told them.

So Ben went through his recovery thinking that his own father didn’t have the stomach to see his son weak and vulnerable. That Han was somehow ashamed for having a son with health problems.

Leia might have slapped Han once or twice over it.

“I felt this way before that,” Han easily admitted, “but the stroke was the push I needed to make me try.” He shoved his hands into his pockets. “You… you still haven’t told Ben about it, right?”

Leia had gotten close hundreds of times, but… “No, even though I think it’s stupid to keep the fact that you had a stroke from your only child.”

“I don’t want him to worry.”

Leia shook her head, eyes going down to the sidewalk.

Han took a step closer. “Just… Leia, I want to stop doing this casual thing with you and actually date.”

Leia snorted. “You make it sound like we’re in our twenties again.”

He shrugged and chuckled. “Old people can date.”

“Who you calling old?”

Han caressed her cheek with the back of his knuckles before she could even flinch, leaving a trail of fire in its wake. “Certainly not you, princess.”

His hand fell away, and damn her soul to hell, but Leia missed the contact.

She looked all around – behind her, to the restaurant, as if she’d find the answer to this decision flashing in a neon sign.  “I’ll… I don’t know,” she said softly, peering up at him. “Maybe.”

Han snorted. “No one is more full of shit than a parent who says maybe.”

Leia laughed lightly. She liked when he made her life. “I’ll think about it, okay?”

His soft lips stretched into a smile, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. They were lit with dejection, making Leia’s heart heavy with sadness. For a few moments, she stared at him, seeing the lines etched into his face, the same lines that were no doubt etched into hers. His cheekbones were no longer distinct, his jaw now soft rather than angular, hair white and grey. But his eyes, those were still the same. They had depth and tenderness, a pool of blue that bled into a sparkling sea of green.

Old or young, Leia would always think him devilishly handsome.

But this awkward dance they’d been doing around each other for the last couple of decades was getting repetitive to the point of insanity.

Leia was sure Han’s morose gaze mirrored hers as he thought the same. It broke her spirit. Han had his problems, mostly stemming from an abusive father, absent mother, poor upbringing, and the death of his sister. Han and Leia were married during a time where depression and therapy weren’t readily talked about and accepted, and Han never did get help in dealing with his demons and ghosts.

Leia didn’t want to leave him; not back then, and not now. It was just, how did you know if someone truly cared about you unless you left to see if they followed?

The divorce had been a game of chicken, both wanting the other to prove their love and devotion. But being stubborn individuals, neither wavered as they waited for the other to crack.

In the end, they both lost.

Leia hadn’t wanted to become a random image that floated in the pool of Han’s memories. She didn’t want to think about his smile and have it squeeze her chest. She didn’t want him to go.

The thing was, if Leia were to be honest with herself, this casual thing wasn’t working out for her either. She yearned for more, wanted something real. And over the last year, Han had been trying to give her that. Every week he brought her flowers, and too often, he invited her to ‘hang out’... only for Leia to find that it felt more like a date than something unplanned. He snuck in hand holding, gave her long hugs, held her after being intimate, and listened to her talk as she slowly opened up to him.

And he apologized, apologized, apologized for all the leaving and the absences in their younger years.

God, it was hard to admit, but Han was a close friend to her now. A close, secret friend. Luke was oblivious, as usual. Not even Lando or Chewie knew what was going on between them. And if Lando couldn’t pick up on it? No one was going to.

Leia thought of when Lando had called her that night, telling her about Han’s stroke. It was like Leia’s world was crumbling all over again and she had no idea how to pick up the pieces and glue them back together. But she did. And out of those fragments? She found herself in a relationship with Han.

“Okay,” Han breathed out, not wanting to push her. “Can… Can I walk you to your car?”

Leia nodded, not trusting her voice. As the two of them walked sided by side, Han interlocked his fingers with hers.

Leia didn’t fight it.

()()()()

Usually, Rey’s morning routine consisted of ten minutes of sitting in bed, thinking about how tired she was while going through two snoozes on her phone before actually getting up.

But this morning was different.

She turned onto her side, cuddling a pillow, smelling an earthy scent that had just the faintest hint of something sweet. Maybe citrus?

Strange… this wasn’t what her bed usually smelled like.

Rey’s eyes snapped open and she sat up in a panic, having no idea where she was. The previous night came back to her in a tidal wave of memories: her going back to the restaurant, coming up to Ben’s place, talking and starting the movie.

The movie….

Rey remembered talking with Ben about how without Sam, Frodo never would have made it far. They both agreed they liked Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn. They were both frustrated that Glorfindel wasn’t in the movie, but understood that things had to be cut out for time. And they even made a pact never to speak of _The Hobbit_ movies while in the presence of the other.

They had talked and talked and talked….

And then Rey couldn’t recall anything after Khazad-dûm.

She’d fallen asleep… while watching one of her favorite movies of all time.

 _Fake fan,_ Rey chastised herself.

She had closed her eyes just for a second, listening to Ben talk about the history of the Mines of Moria. And what did she do? Conk out. In the middle of Ben’s explanation.

But if she’d fallen asleep on the couch, then how –

Rey gasped and then groaned, hanging her head in her hands. She vaguely remembered being lifted and then placed in a bed, burrowing under a soft comforter and being surrounded by clouds of pillows.

Ben must have brought her in here after she’d fallen asleep. She hadn’t meant to impose and take his bed, but that’s exactly what happened.

On the nightstand were her purse and a glass of water. The slight pounding in her skull needed to be cleared before it got worse. With age, Rey had become the type of person who now had home Advil and purse Advil, no longer able to quickly bounce back from a late night like she had at 19.

Gulping down the whole glass of water along with a few pills, she stretched and wondered around the room.

The first thing she noticed was how much the guy was a neat freak. Everything had its place, furniture was minimal with just a bed, dresser, and side tables, and not a speck of dust in sight.

Rey wasn’t messy by any means, but if Marie Kondo were to compare them against each other, Ben would be her star student for sure.

Above the black dresser, Rey studied a painting that depicted a woman lying on the ground in a treeless, mostly tawny field. She was looking up at a gray house on the horizon, a barn and various other small outbuildings adjacent to the house. To Rey, it almost seemed like the woman was trying to crawl her way back home, her legs just useless limbs being dragged behind her.

Rey moved to the next one, surprised by how much likeness the portrait had to Ben. At least, she thought it could be Ben. The man’s face was blurred, an unknown hand covering his mouth as his own hands struggled to get free.

Another one showed a person melting under the desert sun, but where the sun should’ve been there was a heart, black and oozing, dripping poison onto the person and the barren landscape below.

There was a familiarity to the last two paintings that demanded Rey’s attention. They were stunning in a sorrowful and disturbing way, but the feelings they elicited were very much like the painting she had back home...  the one of the woman lying on the floor in a bloodied white dress.

She expected to find the name Kylo Ren on the bottom right corner, exactly like on the painting she had purchased from that gallery. But there was no signature.

Kylo Ren would remain an elusive mystery.

In his attached bathroom, Rey put a generous glob of toothpaste on her finger and scrubbed away her bad breath. Next, she fixed her hair and wiped away the smeared mascara from around her eyes.

Out in the hallway, her mouth watered from the savory smells coming from the kitchen.

There were a few more paintings on the walls, those of landscapes and animals. Rey didn’t know much about art, but she could tell the style was the same as the ones in the bedroom. And again, no signature.

She passed two doors, her curiosity getting the better of her as she opened the first one, peering inside. It was an immaculate exercise area, equipped with a treadmill, stationary bike, boxing bag, and a bench press with enough weight on it to crush her instantly.

Rey went to the next door, but guilt over snooping stopped her from opening it. She didn’t want to be ‘that person’ who invaded someone’s privacy.

While waking up and falling asleep at a man’s house should’ve made the alarms in her mind blare, they were shockingly silent. Rey was a naturally paranoid person, with a healthy side of skepticism and distrust issues to boot. Her instincts had been honed and sharpened from years of dealing with misogynistic men at her job and running into creeps out in the dating stratosphere.

Ben came off as none of those. And so far, Rey’s instincts had never lead her astray.

She rounded the corner, stopping in the corridor and watching Ben as he poured batter into a waffle maker, his back to her. He was wearing a black t-shirt again, but was dressed for comfort in loose fitting sweatpants and bare feet.

The dam in Rey’s mouth broke, causing her to swallow in two quick successions. But her drool wasn’t just over the food. Ben looked so perfectly edible for human consumption that Rey couldn’t help but wonder if sausage happened to be on the menu.

_Don’t be a pervert, Rey._

Ben turned and caught sight of her, flashing a smile that metaphorically melted her into a puddle of gooey feelings. “Good morning. How’d you sleep?”

She would bathe in that voice if it were possible. Willingly drown in it.

“Good,” she said. Ben pulled out a chair for her to sit in, and Rey thought it would be better to be at the table than to just be standing around, awkwardly watching him. “I’m sorry about falling asleep… and apparently taking your bed.”

“Oh, I, uh,” he rubbed the back of his neck, “couldn’t just leave you on the couch. I hope you don’t mind that I carried you to my room.” The only thing Rey was mad about was not being awake enough to fully experience this man carrying her in his arms.

“No, it’s fine. I just feel bad that you gave up your bed for me.”

“The couch actually isn’t that bad.”

From the way he kept massaging his neck, Rey didn’t entirely believe him.

“Well… thank you.”

Ben nodded and then went back to the counter, two mugs already situated in front of the coffee machine.

“How do you take your coffee?” Ben asked.

 _Down the sink_ , Rey internally thought. But since she didn’t want to decline anything he offered, she asked for some cream and sugar. He placed it all on the table, and Rey went about blindly mixing together what she guessed would probably make the black bitter toxicant taste better.

 _You better fix my entire life, you gross bitch, I will beg_ , Rey thought, staring hard at the dark liquid before bringing the mug up to her lips.

_Uh-uh. Nope._

Fortunate for her, Ben was too preoccupied with getting the waffles out of the waffle maker to see her face contort in disgust. Rey quickly opened her mouth, the coffee drizzling back into the hell from whence it came from.

Should she ask him for tea? She would prefer her usual Earl Grey with warm milk and vanilla, but Rey would take anything at this point. Problem was, Ben didn’t seem like a tea person – no kettle on the stove.

Luckily, Ben also brought her a glass of orange juice.

Rey checked the time on the microwave. She would need to leave soon to feed BB and take him on a walk. The likelihood of her steeping in a puddle of dog urine when she got home was rising by the minute.

But Rey wanted to talk to Ben just a little while longer. “I couldn’t help admiring the painting of the woman in the field hanging in your room.”

“That’s one of my favorites, by Andrew Wyeth,” Ben said while chopping some strawberries. “But it’s a copy, of course. The real thing is at the MOMA in New York.”

“And the rest of the paintings, in the hallway and your room, who’s the artist? I didn’t see any names on those.”

Ben’s hands paused. “Oh, those… I painted those.” He resumed with the dicing.

Rey nodded her head, impressed. “Wow… I couldn’t even see the numbers through the paint.”

Ben laughed, and Rey thought how nice it was to hear a man’s laugh when she was the cause.

“Why don’t you have your paintings up in the living room?” she asked, noticing how his walls were completely devoid of any pictures and drawings.

He brought out two plates, placing a waffle on both. “I’m not a professional, by any means. I get nervous when I see people scrutinizing my work.”

Rey took another sip of the OJ. “Do you sell any of them?”

“Sometimes.” He loaded the waffles with whip cream and fresh strawberries. “But I paint for myself, not to make a profit.”

“I think your paintings are beautiful,” Rey said honestly. Ben timidly placed a plate in front of her before sitting on the other side. “The ones in your room, they’re emotional to look at… but, like, good emotional… if that makes sense.”

“It does.”

Rey could tell Ben didn’t know how to receive the compliments, so she turned her attention over to the food. “You didn’t have to make me breakfast.”

“I wanted to.”

Goodness, Ben had the most wonderful eyes – they were a mix between hazel and brown, and Rey couldn’t tell which color dominated over the other. There was a smile of happiness shining through them, and it had to be the most sincere and pure emotion she had seen on him yet. It was at that moment Rey realized that a person could truly smile without ever moving their lips.

Both of them kept looking at each other, the food an afterthought.

“Can I take you out sometime?” Ben asked.

“Yes?”

“Is that a question?”

Rey snapped out of the hazy moment. “No. It’s a yes-yes.”

“How about tonight?”

“Yes.”

“Pick you up at 5:30?”

“Yes.”

“Sure?”

“Yes.”

Ben’s grin was slanted, and Rey could see the resemblance between him and his father. “You’re a very difficult woman.”

Rey laughed at herself, looked down at her plate, and then back up at Ben, watching him as he took his first bite.

“So…” Rey started to say. “I don’t usually do this.”

Ben raised a brow. “Eat waffles?”

She grinned timidly, chuckling through her nose. “No. I… I just feel like I should tell you, just to put it out there, that I don’t sleep over at a guy’s place that I barely just met. I don’t want you to get the wrong impression of me.”

Ben put down his fork, giving her his full attention as he shook his head. “I think you can do whatever you want. And I wasn’t thinking what you were implying. Promise.”

There was a beat of silence.

“Since we’re on the topic of airing things out right now,” Ben continued, running a hand through his hair, “I’d like to add that I’m not very good at this whole ‘getting to know you’ thing. I apologize if I’ve said anything weird or that makes you uncomfortable.”

His Adams apple bobbed up and down as he gulped, and Rey was able to pick up on his anxiety.

But she decided to torture him just a bit longer. With a playful lilt to her voice, she said, “Like telling me my hair smells good?”

Ben winced. “How about we just file that under same folder as _The Hobbit_ and never speak of it again.”

Rey picked up her fork, digging out a big piece of the waffle and scooping up some extra whip cream. “Oh, I don’t know. I rather like teasing you and watching your face turn red.”

Stuffing her mouth, Rey was aware that her cheeks looked rather like a chipmunk. But that didn’t stop her from pursing her lips so she could smile at Ben.

Ben sat back with a grin, his eyes doing that soft-look they did whenever he gazed at her. “Well, if it’s for your own amusement, I guess I’ll allow it.”

()()()()()

**_What should a person wear on a first date?_ **

Ben typed the question into Google on his phone, well aware how pathetic he was for doing so.

While he found many different answers, most of which just confused him even more, he did like one person’s opinion: it depended on where the date was and what they were doing.

Okay.

Ben could work with that.

After twenty minutes of deliberation, he decided on something business casual, all the while texting Finn in an effort to calm his nerves. Skin warming from anticipation, Ben had spent the day shirtless and walking around in only his sweatpants. It had done little in lowering his body temperature.

Ben’s phone buzzed as he was trying to decide between the blue and black blazer on the bed. “Hey, Finn,” he said as he put the call on speaker.

“Nervous?”

“Nothing has changed since I texted you two minutes ago,” he said, heading to the kitchen.

“Don’t worry, everything is going to fine. Just be yourself.”

“Being myself is why I’m still single.”

“No, being scared of dating is why you’re still single.”

And his health, but neither of them brought that up.

There was a pause as Ben poured himself some bourbon, needing something to help cool his rattled nerves. He rested his arms on the marble island, looking to the phone as if he could actually see Finn. “Man.. what if… what if we hold hands? Or hug? I don’t even know how to touch a woman.”

“Just go with the flow, but keep your wits about you because from what you told me, it sounds like this girl is way into you.”

“You think?” Ben asked before downing the drink, face scrunching slightly from the burn.

“She watched _Lord of the Rings_ with you till two in the morning.” And she had looked so cute sleeping on the couch, having fallen asleep as he'd been talking to her. But did he care? Nope. Did he overstep boundaries by carrying her to his room so she could be more comfortable? Probably. But having her in his arms and tucking her under his sheets had been such a natural experience. Like taking care of her was somehow second nature.

Ben placed the glass on the counter with a resounding _clink_. “She just really likes the movie.”

“Then she’s a huge geek like you and you guys are meant for each other.”

Even though the date was still a couple hours away, there was a light in Ben’s heart that had been missing a mere 48 hours ago. It was a spark of hope, a ray of sunshine to be coveted and appreciated. Maybe it was optimism, or the excitement of what tonight would bring. But no matter how nervous or giddy or impatient, all those mixture of emotions were worth it because he got to see Rey again.

The corners of Ben’s lips lifted up into a smile, widening into a brilliant grin that left him beaming.

“You’re smiling, aren’t you?”

“No,” Ben replied, the smile evident in his voice.

“Riiiiight. Just make sure not to trim yourself down there.”

Ben’s grin disappeared, his eyebrows squishing together. “Huh?”

“I’m just telling you for safety not to do any trimming, because then you won’t let it go too far.”

 _What the –_ “Finn, it’s a first date.” Ben grabbed the phone and made his way back to his room.

“Exactly, and you should keep your options open now that you’re putting yourself out there. Don’t get tied down to the first girl that shows you an ounce of interest. I know you, dude. You can get emotionally attached to things very quickly. Remember Luke’s dog, Artoo?”

Ben rolled his eyes… even though he knew Finn’s assessment was kind of accurate. Artoo had been his uncle’s Labrador retriever, and Ben loved playing with him whenever Luke came by. His uncle would even let Artoo stay over on the weekends sometimes.

The Labrador was always glued to Ben’s side – patient, good, and thoughtful. Artoo was especially loving in those early years when Ben struggled with his heart condition, depressed over feeling like a burden to his family. It was like the dog could sense Ben’s changes in mood and knew just how to cheer him up.

At sixteen, Artoo was diagnosed with brain cancer and had to be put down. Luke invited Ben to come with him to the vet, but Ben couldn’t do it. To this day, he regretted not being there during Artoo’s last breath.

That dog would console Ben whenever he was too tired to get up or had a tough time breathing. He’d put his paw in Ben’s lap, like he was acknowledging how hard it was just for Ben to be alive.

It took a year for Ben to get over that dog’s death. Hell, he still wasn’t over it. Whenever he had to be the one who administered the euthanasia medication to someone’s pet, Artoo was always in Ben’s thoughts.

Falling back onto his bed, Ben kept the phone close to his mouth and wiped the sting from his eyes. “Do you regret getting attached to Rose and marrying her?” he asked, trying to get out of his thoughts.

“Of course not! But I had a few girlfriends before her. Practice makes it easier to make a relationship work with the person you really want to be with.”

“And here I thought mutual love and respect would do just fine.”

“I’m sure you plan on being level headed, but once you’re in the moment, the female brain seems, well, I don’t know… everything they say suddenly sounds profound. Hairy balls might just be your only link to reality.”

“You should needlepoint that on a pillow and sell it on Etsy.”

Finn sighed. “Look, all I know is that little rule kept me a virgin till… well… whenever.”

Ben sat up, glancing down at his chest. “Finn, I’m thirty-three, I have a ten inch scar down my chest, and I’m still a virgin.”

“Okay, okay. Get to trimming and call me after.”

()()()()()

Staying side-by-side, Rey and Ben walked back to her place from the park just two blocks away, the street lamps surrounding them in a soft glow.

As the date had been winding down, Ben driving her home, Rey found that she didn’t want it to end – which was why she suggested he park across from her place and take a little walk together.

Ben jumped on the idea, and didn’t that make Rey feel all kinds of special. He didn’t want the night to end either.

Now on the sidewalk, making their way back to her place, sirens distantly echoed back and forth across the city, a noise that Rey had grown so accustomed to that they had become her nightly lullaby. The breeze was soft enough to provide some comfort against the warmth of the summer evening, but not nearly at the intensity to tousle Rey’s perfectly curled hair and give her a Marilyn Monroe moment in her peach, spaghetti strapped dress.

But all that was just background stuff as she focused on the moments she got to spend with Ben, her stomach tangling into knots remembering the few times she’d caught him staring at her.

The feel of his eyes on her.... for some reason, those deep brown orbs made Rey feel like she was living instead of just being alive. He could touch her with just a glance, skin prickling as if from a caress. The urge to check if he was looking at her was a constant, the need to know like an undercurrent buzz that was dangerously habit-forming.

Even now, as he told her stories of his family, his eyes never left her for more than a few seconds. She also noticed that he liked to use his hands while talking, easily becoming animated.

“My Uncle Chewie always had a cigar going, and he would carry around a blue bean bag ashtray. He had this thing where he drove down alleys and picked up other people’s junk, taking me along to be his extra pair of eyes. God forbid he miss anything good.” Ben ran his fingers through his hair, and Rey wondered if it was just as soft as it appeared to be. “My mom would get so mad, but every birthday, he would surprise her with a lamp he fixed up or a table he made out of lumber parts. She loved everything he ever made, but since he lived with us, every time he collected more junk she would get so furious. After a while, I think she was just pretending to be mad. She still has everything he gave her situated somewhere in the house for people to see.”

“Did you ever try helping him build stuff?”

“Oh, no. I can’t even build a dresser from Ikea. But I’m sure you could in your sleep.”

“With the directions, it’s not too difficult.”

“Says you, the architectural engineer.” He paused, rubbing the stubble on his chin. “Sorry, I’ve done most the talking, haven’t I?”

“I don’t mind. I like listening to your voice.” Rey’s eyes grew wide in horror. “I mean, your stories,” she amended quickly. “I like listening to the stories about your family.”

And Ben thought he was the only one who could make a moment awkward?

Ben grinned. Rey shyly looked away, telling her brain to be a better filter for her mouth.

“Well, what about you?” he asked.

“What about me?”

“You grew up in London, right? That must’ve been amazing.”

“It was… an experience,” Rey said before deflecting the conversation back onto him. “Have you ever been?”

“To London? Nah. I’ve been to New York and Washington D.C., but that’s about it.”

For someone in their thirties and with an endless amount of money, Rey thought it odd he hadn’t been to more places. “Do you not like to travel?”

“Oh, I would love to travel, but ever since I was eleven–” Ben stopped – stopped talking, stopped walking, probably even stopped breathing.

“What is it?” Rey asked, her hand touching his bicep in concern. He felt solid under that blazer. Her stomach twisted.

“My mom…” he said slowly before picking up speed, “was really sick. For years. She had to give up being a senator because of it. I stayed with her to take care of her.”

A son devoted to his mum? How could Rey not find that swoon worthy? “Look at you, being such a good son.” They started walking, going at the same leisure pace as before. “Your mum looks to be doing a lot better now.”

“Oh, yeah. She’s completely healthy now. And she doesn’t even like to talk about it. Ever,” he stressed.

“Noted. Never bring up that your mum was sick in front of her.”

“Or the family. It was… tough on everyone.”

Rey ran her fingers across her lips, making the motion of locking them up. “I won’t let anything slip if I see them again. Promise.”

They reached her stoop, and Rey went up the few steps to get to her door. “So…” she glanced back at Ben who was standing at the base, looking up at her. “You want to come in?”

Ben jerked his head back. Tried to process the invitation. “Yeah,” his voice broke. He cleared it. “Sure.”

Upon entering the brownstone, BB immediately went for Ben, barking and jumping and going all sorts of insane.

“BB, no,” Rey reprimanded, grabbing at the Pomeranian. “Get down. You know you aren’t supposed to jump on people.”

“It’s okay. He can’t even reach my knees” Ben assured her, kneeling down and urging Rey to let the fuzz ball go. She did, and BB ran right into Ben’s arms, causing the man to chuckle. “Oh, you’re a cutie, aren’t ya. And soft. Your fur is nice and fluffy.”

Rey frowned, observing the odd interaction. “I get him professionally groomed once a week. For what I pay, his coat better feel like silk.” Rey lingered, scrutinizing the pair to the point where it would be classified as weird.

Picking up BB’s bowl by the door, Rey took a few steps back and said, “I’m just gonna fill his bowl in case he’s hungry.”

“I can help,” she heard Ben say.

In the pantry, Rey got a scoop of the dog food and filled the small bowl. “It’s okay. I bring the bowl to –” Rey went silent. BB had followed Ben into the kitchen, small tail wagging a hundred wags a minute, the dog completely enamored by the newcomer.

But BB never left his perch by the door. Not for anyone. Ever.

“Huh,” Rey said, eyes still on the dog.

Ben glanced down. “Is something wrong?”

“No. No. It’s just… he seems to really like you. He doesn’t act this way with other people.”

 _Not even me. Just Poe_.

Rey placed the bowl down in front of the dishwasher, beckoning BB to eat. The dog didn’t move from Ben’s side.

“You should go eat, little guy,” Ben urged gently. And just like that, BB went to Rey and started eating his food.

Was this the Twilight Zone? Should she expect to hear Jordan Peele narrating her life?

“I had a good time tonight.” Ben grinned in a way that made his eyes glimmer, and Rey’s mind quickly moved away from the thoughts about her strange dog and onto the man who looked absolutely divine in his blue blazer and dark jeans.

Yum.

“Me, too.” Rey listed against the counter. “I liked that Indian place we ate at. The food was amazing. And the show –”

“Was it too weird? I’ve been afraid to ask how you liked it. You were quiet the whole time.”

Ben had taken her to see the Distant Worlds Philharmonic Orchestra and Chorus at the Chicago Symphony Center. To her surprise, it was a tribute to _Final Fantasy_ and the music by Nobuo Uematsu, alongside a backdrop of videos and clips from the games.

Rey was never big into playing _Final Fantasy..._ but Poe had been. She’d watch him clock in a lot of hours on his console whenever a new game came out. Rey actually had the fifteenth game downloaded on her Xbox, thinking that she could play it in memory of Poe.

She still hadn’t opened it.

Truthfully, Rey had been very close to cutting their date short. Ben had wanted the evening to be a surprise, so Rey was quite shocked when she walked into the concert hall and saw the posters advertising for _Final Fantasy_.

But once she got over her initial nausea, Rey did enjoy the performance. It was like having a piece of her brother with her for the night, and for once, Rey allowed it to comfort her instead of fighting it.

“Yeah… I’m sorry for how quiet I was.” She gripped the edge of the counter tighter. “ _Final Fantasy_ was my brother’s favorite game.”

Ben’s eyes widened. “Oh. I, uh, should’ve told you what I was taking you to. I’m –”

“It’s not your fault. To be honest, I was panicking a bit when we first got there, but I was able to relax and really loved it. I’ve always been a fan of the music.”

Ben carefully walked up to her, and she got a hint of… there was his cologne, but she could’ve sworn she also smelled hand sanitizer.

Locking eyes, Rey thought he was going to kiss her. But he didn’t. “If I ever do anything that makes you uncomfortable or brings up bad memories, you’ll tell me, right?”

“Yeah,” she said weakly. “I’ll try.”

Ben looked pleased. His gaze drifted off to the side, catching sight of the table. “These are the blueprints for the new Primate House?”

“Oh… yeah.”

Ben went to them, hands touching and fanning them out so he could get a better look at the plans. “And you designed all of this?” he asked, awed. “Looks extensive.”

Rey planted herself on the other side of the table, not trusting herself to be close to him. “It does take a good amount of time to map out, but that’s probably because I’m a perfectionist when it comes to designing. And since I’ll be getting the extra fifty feet, I won’t have to redo them, thank God.”

He eyed one of the outlines closely. “The council gave you the extra space?”

“No… remember, they left the decision up to you?”

A notch formed between his brows, his hands stilling. “Right….”

Rey frowned. “What’s wrong?”

Ben ran a hand through his hair, staying silent for a moment. A very looooooooong moment before looking up at Rey. “I – I’m still thinking–”

Rey’s heart fell into her feet. “Wait… are you… are you going back on it?” Ben didn’t immediately answer. “You can’t seriously be thinking about taking the space away from me.”

In a tense moment of silence so sweaty and suffocating you could drown in it, Rey just stared at Ben, seeing him round his jaw and purse his lips. She’d only known him a couple of days, but she already recognized that as his nervous tell.

He kept his tone even. “Rey, I haven’t made a decision. I was wanting to talk to Kay more extensively tomorrow and look over the Lion House –”

“Are you fucking kidding me?! You agreed –”

“I never agreed,” Ben said sternly, but voice still calm. “I listened to you talk about it, but I never said anything.”

“Get out.”

“I’m trying to be objective –”

Rey rounded the table and got up close to Ben, a vein popping down the middle of her forehead, fists tightly clenched. Ben stayed where he was. “I told you the gorillas needed that space more than the lions.”

Ben wasn’t responding to her anger like a normal person. Hands in his pockets, face impassive, he seemed to be more invested in responding to her than reacting.

“And how would you know that? Do you work at the zoo? Have you spent your life studying and taking care of these animals?” It elevated her anger even more that he could ask her such questions, and at the same time, somehow not come off as patronizing or condescending.

Rey’s breathing increased, her throat going dry. “I thought you were different.”

“That isn’t fair,” Ben censured, holding a hand up. “This is my job –”

“What the hell has this all been to you, huh? Have you just been looking to get your dick wet? Is that your end goal?”

To this, Ben stepped away from her. “What the fuck? Have I ever insinuated that _that_ is what I want from you?”

“I don’t know. I just met you on Friday!”

“Rey, please,” he pleaded, “you can come with me to talk about it with Kay tomorr –”

“I want you to leave.” Rey sharply walked over to the door and held it open. “Now.”

As far as Rey was concerned, any attraction and interest she had for this man was over. She wasn’t going to pine after him like a pubescent teenage girl, and he was just going to have to accept the punishment for betraying her. Done and dusted.

Except… where she should’ve felt like she’d won, there was only loss.

Ben looked to the floor, shaking his head, jaw rounding even more. Right when Rey was about to demand his exit, he came over, planting himself in front of her. And as Rey waited for him to fling more words her way, she watched that full lower lip of his in anticipation of it moving again. Of escalating their argument further so she had an excuse to yell at him.

“Have a good night,” Ben muttered, his expression despondent.

Wait… what?

Rey blinked, and then wondered what the fuck was wrong with her that she was disappointed they weren’t going to keep fighting.

Ben left. Just walked away from her, his big body lumbering down the steps.

Rey watched him, part of her at war with herself over whether she wanted to go after him or not. Ben waited for a few vehicles to pass before crossing the street to his car, never once glancing back at her.

And she wanted him to. After everything she just said to him and accused him of, she wanted him to turn back and look at her.

The next few moments would prove to always be a blur to Rey. No matter how many times she thought back on it throughout the years, she’d never be able to remember the minute details of the accident.

As Rey stood there, indecisive, BB darted out the door and bounded straight for Ben. Rey screamed. Ben whirled around. Car tires screeched. It played out in slow motion, then fast forwarded as if time was trying to get back the seconds it had lost.

Rey ran, scraping up her knees as she knelt over BB’s body. Blood covered his fur, and Ben yelled at her not to move him. The driver from the car was talking, saying words that could’ve been in a different language for how much Rey couldn’t understand him.

As BB gave out a low whine of pain and helplessness, Rey lost it. She strained her vocal chords, vaguely aware that Ben was trying to talk to her. Her emotions completely took control of her body, her frame wracked with sobs as she shook like a leaf. Fright consumed her every cell, swelling them till they burst with pure terror. With every second her blood pressure rose, her heartbeat pounded against her eardrums.

But all of that was the least of her worries.

BB was dying, right in front of her. On the street. And there was nothing she could do to stop it. Nothing she could –

Rey snapped her focus onto Ben, tugging at his lapels. “You have to save him. Please, I can’t lose him. I’ll do anything you want. Please, just please, he can’t– I can’t– I’m begging you–”

“Okay,” Ben said, his voice eerily calm as he shrugged out of his blazer. He wrapped BB carefully in the dark blue fabric before handing him over to Rey. She held him close, noticing that there was a small towel already tied around his middle. Rey didn’t remember it being put on.

Ben escorted her quickly to the passenger side of his truck before running to the driver’s side. Starting the engine, he peeled out onto the street.

Rey didn’t know where they were going. Maybe he knew the nearest animal hospital. Was one even open on a Sunday night? She didn’t ask. She was too afraid of the answer.

So she focused on BB, on his breathing, her heart skipping a beat every time the dog took too long to take another breath.

If BB died, the last piece of her brother went with him. Then Poe would truly and forever be gone.


	7. Progress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We find out BB's fate, the decisions Ben made, and Ben and Rey have a little talk to clear the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone reading this story! And especially for all those who have left a comment. This chapter is being posted before my beta can get to it, so I apologize for any mistakes. I just want to post it already, ya know? Hope you enjoy!

Ben’s exhaustion was now quiet and subdued, a calm from the storm that had torn through this medical facility.

Sitting on the floor with his back resting against the wall, fatigue pulled at Ben’s bones like gravity laying into him with double the force. He glanced at the clock on the wall, his eyes bloodshot and defined with heavy black creases under each socket. 4:03 a.m. His heavy lids kept bouncing between the polystyrene ceiling and BB, observing the dog as it breathed and slept on the table, tubes running out of the small body and wires attaching him to monitors.

If that dog coded again, that was it.

What a cluster fuck of a situation.

As if arguing with Rey and her ending things hadn’t been horrible enough, BB just had to run after him and get hit by a car, running all their emotions straight into oblivion. If the vehicle had been any bigger than a Mini Cooper, the small Pomeranian would be dead. No doubt.

And Rey... she was a mess. Understandably so, but seeing her like that? Sobbing, begging him to save her dog? It had been traumatizing.

When assessing BB in the road, the driver of the car had given Ben a rag to help slow down the bleeding coming out of the abdomen. Since BB was such a small dog, Ben didn’t bother tying anything around the snout, too worried about neck or head damage. But if BB had been, say, a Labrador or something of similar size? He would’ve muzzled it real quick.

In the end, Ben had made the judgment call not to go to the Veterinary Emergency Center. One look at BB and Ben knew the dog wouldn’t make the forty minute drive. The animal clinics he knew of were closed, and those he hadn’t worked at weren’t likely to be open either. Going by and checking would waste precious time. BB needed surgery to stop the bleeding, and, as Ben suspected, a possibly collapsed lung.

Did he make the right call?

Fuck if he knew. He had made it so quickly.

In the fifteen seconds it had taken to get Rey in the car, Ben had already made the decision to use the facilities at the zoo.

Ben recalled Kay saying something about her and the other vets seeing private patients there on occasion, an initiative the zoo had set up to give back to the community. Because of that, they kept a small stock of canine and feline blood that had been ordered from a national blood bank.

Ben glanced at the time again. 4:04 a.m. Now time decided to go slow? It hadn’t felt that way when he got here.

_Ben parked in the back lot, him and Rey both jumping out of the car. She followed him as he hurried to the rear door, sliding his key card through the slot of the entry pad. Remembering where the medical facility was located, he went down the dimly lit hall and took a sharp left, bursting through the double doors. Being that it was past operating hours, they didn’t run into anyone. Most of the night crew consisted of minimal security and one, maybe two zookeepers to have on hand in case of an emergency. But the animal med centers would be empty. The good part about that was they were less likely to be caught. The bad? Ben had no help, no assistants._

_He unlocked another entryway, entering a dark operating room. Hitting the lights, he told Rey to put BB on the table._

_“How’s his breathing?” Ben asked as he gave his hands a quick scrub._

_Rey stammered, looming over the bundled dog. “I – I don’t know. Erratic?”_

_Nothing new. At least BB was still breathing._

_Ben snapped on some gloves, covered his nose and mouth with a surgical mask, and brought a metal instrument table over to the autoclave. He chose which surgical tools he needed, then grabbed the ultrasound machine and wheeled it over._

_Rey was as white as untouched snow, her lips matte gray, eyelids peeled back and glued to BB. “Is he going to make it?” she asked. Ben could tell her throat was tightening. “There’s so much blood… Oh god, he’s going to die, isn’t he?”_

_“Rey –”_

_A trembling hand covered her mouth. “He’s going to die. I can’t – What am I –”_

_“Rey,” Ben said with more force. She snapped out of her spiral, looking to him. “I need you to leave.”_

_She shook her head harshly. “No, don’t make me leave him –”_

_“Look, I know you’re scared and you think that by being here, you’re somehow going to help. But you’re not. Do you want me to be distracted by you or focus on working on BB?”_

_Rey blinked. Put like that, the logic was hard for her to fight against._

_She backed away, tripping over her own feet and falling on her rear. God, there was blood all over her._

_Ben was about to go to her, but she quickly picked herself up and left on wobbly legs._

Had his tone been too severe? Had he been too inflexible? Ben was great with multitasking, but he couldn’t comfort Rey and treat the dog at the same time.

Eyes back to the clock. 4:05 a.m.

Ben didn’t know how BB was still alive. He was a skilled vet surgeon, sure, but still…. He’d tackle one problem only to be met by another and another and another. Several thoughts and what-ifs constantly flooded his brain as he mentally reviewed his work, trying to find any mista–

On the sound of a closing door, Ben looked over, Kay half running toward him… until she saw BB. She course corrected her trajectory, nearing the table. Covering her mouth with her hand, she stared at BB, eyes glistening.

“Shit,” Kay muttered, horrified. The dog was a patchwork of fur, dried blood, and bandaging. Collecting herself, her attention went to Ben, but she remained by BB’s side. “Tell me straight up, how’s he doing?”

Ben stood and stretched, cracking his back. He relayed all the things he’d done, the procedures he performed, and how much blood he had to use for a transfusion. Kay’s stash was now running low, but she didn’t seem to care.

“His breathing still seems shallow; oxygen levels are barely in the normal range,” she observed.

“Trust me, it’s a vast improvement to how it was before,” Ben said in a rough voice – one that could be blamed on his body running on fumes.

“And he coded?”

“Twice.”

“Shit. How’s he even alive?”

“He may be breathing, but the extent of damage to his brain is still unknown. I haven’t been able to –”

“I’ll take care of the scans.” Kay’s eyes were very direct, tone to match. “Don’t worry.”

Except, he was worried. And not just for BB. “Be honest: Do I still have a job?”

“What?”

“I came here and used the zoo’s med center on an unauthorized animal.”

Kay waved the concern away with her hand. “Seeing how this is Poe’s dog, I don’t think anyone here will tattle on you. And even if they did, I doubt anyone on the Board of Trustees would do anything. They all loved Poe.”

Ben cocked his head in confusion. “Sorry… I thought this was Rey’s dog? Who’s Poe?”

“Her brother.”

“She told me her brother’s dead.”

Kay winced. “He is. He died in a car accident two years ago. Poe is Poe Dameron, the one who was our previous vet surgeon and Primate specialist. He’s the one who interviewed you the last time.”

Ben held up his palms, his mind racing to play catch up with the new details. “Wait...Poe Dameron is Rey’s brother? The surgeon who was here before me?”

“Yeah… Sorry, did you not know that? It’s why Rey’s so emotionally invested in expanding the Primate House. It was Poe’s dream to redesign it and give the apes more space.”

As the silence stretched out between them, Ben felt like he’d just downed six cups of coffee, his heart turning his rib cage into a drum, his palms getting sweaty, his lids working double time from all the fast rate blinking. And here he thought his adrenal glands had no more adrenaline to give.

“This is –” a shock? Unexpected? A sharp turn of information that would’ve been great to have say… two days ago? “– all making a lot more sense.”

Kay didn’t seem to pick up on Ben having a gigantic revelation into Rey’s psyche and actions. “So don’t worry about your job. If anything, people will now instantly love you for saving BB.”

Trying to get the room back into focus, Ben didn’t feel completely comfortable with Kay using the term ‘saved’. “BB’s recovery is still questionable. He needs to be closely monitored over the next 24 hours –”

“Which I’ll do,” she assured, placing a hand on his arm. “You look like you’re about to pass out. Go home and get some rest.”

“I’m supposed to be here in a few hours –”

“I’m giving you the day off.”

Pride told him not to take the offer, but his body argued not to be stupid. He was dead weight on two barely functioning legs, the depletion of his physical faculties having left him with barely the ability to blink.

He would need to take Rey home –

“Rey,” he said, only now wondering where she had gone off. “I told her not to be in here, but I’m not sure where she went.”

Kay checked BB’s vitals. “How is she?”

“Not great.”

Understatement.

“I can imagine.” Kay grabbed the clipboard hanging from the table, looking over to see what Ben had logged. “She took Poe’s death really hard, and now BB almost dying from being hit by a car? Man….” Her head snapped up. “Wait. How is it you were there when it happened?”

Ben frowned. He thought she and Rey were close friends, the kind of close that would tell each other if one of them was going out with a guy. “Rey and I had just finished our date. I went inside her place for a bit, but as I left, BB came after me and… well….” Ben motioned to the unconscious dog.

Kay stared at him. Blinked slowly. Then rapidly. “I’m sorry. I think I heard you wrong. Did you say date?”

He nodded the affirmative.

She narrowed her eyes. “I’m… confused. She hates you.”

“Oh,” Ben rubbed the back of his neck, “we actually were able to talk and clear the air on that.”

“When?”

“She came back to the restaurant after we closed on Saturday… to talk to me.”

“And you... what? Asked out the girl who yelled at you in front of a bunch of people on a date?”

Ben shrugged. “Pretty much.” Kay kept staring at him. “What?”

Her head jerked in frantic amazement. “Nothing.” Putting the clipboard back on the hook, she added, “There’s a break room down the hall. Rey’s probably in there.”

Ben walked beside Kay as they left the OR, her strides quick so she didn’t leave BB alone for too long.

In the small break room, Rey was curled up on the blue couch, hands tucked under head for extra cushion. Eyes closed, she appeared to be asleep.

Kay knelt beside her. “Hey, sweetie,” she whispered, placing a hand on Rey’s arm. “How are–”

Rey was instantly awake and alert, sitting up so fast she almost knocked Kay to the ground. “BB, where is he? Is he alive? Oh my god, Kay, Poe would be so mad at–”

“Hey, hey, BB is alive,” Kay soothed. “He’s breathing and we’re going to look after him. But you should go home and get some rest.”

“No.” Rey glanced at Ben in the doorway, then back at Kay. “I can’t leave–”

“There’s nothing you can do for him. Let us take care of BB and I’ll keep you updated. Okay?”

Rey resisted, repeating that she couldn’t just leave BB alone. But Kay was persistent, not taking no for an answer. Since Kay had more emotional endurance than Rey at the moment, she eventually gave in.

Rey grabbed Kay’s arms. “If anything, anything changes, you’ll let me know?”

“I promise.”

The compressor from the soda machine kicked on, filling the room with a rattle that transitioned into a soft hum.

Ben coughed so he could get his voice to function. “I can drive you home.”

Rey’s eyes widened, fearful. “I… I can’t go back there. Not without…”

“You can come to my place, then,” he offered. “If you want.”

Ben didn’t miss the look Kay gave to him and Rey, her eyes calculating and suspicious.

“Yeah…” Rey nodded, accepting his suggestion. “Yeah, okay.”

Rey had her eyes closed the whole ride back to his place. Ben didn’t bother her, hoping that she was getting some sleep.

Going up to his condo, Rey kept listing to the right or left, unable to balance. Ben caught hold of her elbow to keep her upright. No protests came from her. In fact, she didn’t do much of anything – no crying, no talking, no expression rendering across her nonplussed face.

Inside, Ben guided her to the bathroom, making sure the water was warm so she could wash her hands. When he saw that she was barely scrubbing the blood away, he lathered a hefty amount of soap between his palms and took over. Rey didn’t seem to notice his hands on hers.

After drying her off, Ben had her sit on the closed toilet. He grabbed a first aid kit from below the sink and went to work on her scraped up knees. Not a flinch; not a word. She wasn’t even looking at him as he covered the scuffed skin with sterile bandages.

The tension in her was obvious, her mouth thinning out, shoulders wound up tight. Ben hated the position she was in, and if he could change things, he would. But feelings and circumstances were like wild animals – they did whatever they wanted and to hell with whoever got in their way, trampling and biting and ripping in the process.

“You should sleep,” he whispered. “You can use my bed.” _And stay there forever._

Ben mentally chastised himself, his attraction to her inappropriate during a moment like this.

Rey nodded and stood, shuffling out of the bathroom and sitting on the edge of the mattress. Ben grabbed a shirt from his dresser, placing it next to her. “If you want to get out of your dress, you can wear this. Or you can stay in it. Whatever you want to do.”

The splotches of blood against the peach-colored material almost looked intentional, like a design of flowers that spanned across the chest and midsection. Ben would have to get knew sheets if she decided to stay in the outfit, but he didn’t care. Rey’s well-being was more important than his bedspread.

He pushed strands of her hair over her shoulder and then snatched it back, ready to apologize for the unwanted contact. But Rey didn’t react. Was she even aware of where she was?

She nodded slowly, eyes going to the spare shirt. Ben took that as his cue to leave as he hurried out of the room. He lingered in the hallway, just outside the door, because… shit, he didn’t know why. It wasn’t like Rey was going to need help changing or anything.

_Would you be a kind gentleman if she did?_

Ben stopped that line of thinking before it gained some serious traction.

In the kitchen, he took his evening dose of meds, knowing that it was kind of late to do so, but it wasn't good to skip even once.

When he got to the couch, he realized that a change of clothes and a good brushing of his teeth were needed. But to get those things he would have to go back to his room.

That was a no-go.

But he couldn’t sleep in what he had on. His shirt and jeans had specks of blood on it, mixed in with the not so appealing smell of sweat.

Ben glanced over his shoulder to the empty corridor, the place deathly quiet. Rey had been tired, her lethargic movements more than giving that away. The chances of her waking any time soon were very slim. That is, if she slept at all.

Ben tiptoed to the laundry room, rifling through what had been left in the dryer the day before. No pants, but he did find a clean pair of boxer briefs and a black shirt. He swapped out his grimy clothes for the freshly laundered ones, and with light feet, went back to his makeshift bed on the couch. One definite sign that he was exhausted? The sofa was for once comfortable, which was weird because the furniture his mom had bought him was more for aesthetics than actual lounging.

Typical.

But it didn’t matter. Ben was out in a matter of seconds.

()()()()()

Rey woke suddenly, every thought, feeling, and memory in high definition. Her eyes took in the small string of light coming through the drawn curtains and she immediately knew she’d slept too long.

She jumped out of the bed as if a hypodermic needle of adrenaline had just been emptied into her carotid. Flinging the door open, she yelled out for Ben right before she got to the living room.

Ben was off the couch faster than a cat being drenched in ice-cold water, his hair a mess and eyes wild. “What? What is it? What’s wrong?”

Rey immediately noticed he wasn’t wearing any pants… and the bulge in his boxer briefs was very… bulgy and erect. She averted her eyes to the floor, flushing red at having so obviously stared at him. “I, uh, didn’t mean to look.”

Ben yanked the blanket off the couch, wrapping it around his waist. “Fuck, I’m sorry–”

“No, it’s okay–”

“I thought you’d keep sleeping–”

“I was. I just…” She lifted her gaze. Ben was beet red. That made two of them. “BB. I need to see BB, make sure he’s alright.”

“He’s still at the zoo, being closely monitored.” Ambling for the coffee table, Ben picked up his phone with the hand not currently keeping the blanket securely in place. “They’ve been texting me updates every hour.” He checked the phone, brows drawing inward. “Oh.”

Rey neared him. “What is it? Is it BB?”

“No. Uh…” He went to open the front door, picking something up from outside. It was a duffle bag, white with pink roses embroidered–

That was her bag. From her house.

Rey snatched it away and opened it. “How… where did a bag filled with my clothes come from?”

Ben glanced at his phone again. “Kay texted me that she left it at the door a little while ago. She said she has a key to your–”

“She was here? But then who’s with BB?”

“Probably Mitaka–”

“What?!” Rey dropped the bag. “But he almost killed Gilly the Giraffe last week!”

“I’m sure it was just a complication due to Gilly’s age –”

Rey dropped to the floor, rifling through her things to see what was wearable out in public. “We need to get down there. You need to check on him.”

“Kay should be back there by now. And look,” Ben held his phone out to her, “Mitaka sent me this photo an hour ago. BB’s awake and lucid.”

Rey grabbed the phone and stood, bringing the image closer to her face. BB was still hooked up to the monitors and tubing, the cone of shame around his neck, eyes open. Knees about to buckle, Rey got herself to the couch and plopped down, stare trained on the picture.

Mouth dry, she uttered, “So he… he’s going to be okay?”

“Yes,” Ben said. Rey briefly squeezed her eyes shut, drawing a deep breath through her nose. “He’s still really tired and weak, but him being awake and responsive is a really good sign.”

She gazed at him with soft eyes, lips parted. “You saved him.”

“Well… I–”

“Thank you.”

He broke their eye contact and shrugged. “You’re welcome.” He looked to the hallway. “I’m just gonna be ten minutes.” And then he rushed away, out of sight.

But not out of mind.

Rey knew she shouldn’t be thinking about Ben in such a sexually explicit way, not after everything… but she couldn’t help it.

What would it be like to straddle him? To take him in her hand? Put him in her mouth? He was well endowed, that much was obvious.

But the deceiving thing about sexual attraction was that it could manufacture a feeling of closeness between two people, emitting a high level of hormones that blinded a person to reason. When yearning for physical contact became an obsession, the brain had to play catch up by creating an emotional and intellectual connection that really had no strong foundation. It was just a way for the mind to justify superficial compatibility for a concrete relationship.

Rey had learned all that the hard way in her early twenties. One failed relationship after another, all built on a shallow substructure of lust. And she knew a thing or two about how abysmal it could be to build something without a solid base and fortified steel.

She didn’t want whatever she was creating with Ben to crumble. Problem was, with how she’d been acting, his interest in her was probably already decimated.

She would need to take it slow. But what the hell did that mean exactly?

When he walked back in, carrying a small red box, Rey watched him go to the sink. He waited for the water to get warm before filling a bowl, throwing a clean dishtowel over his shoulder. His attire was more modest, with a grey V-neck and black sweatpants giving him proper coverage.

He placed the first aid kit and warm water on the coffee table, scooting it slightly out of the way so he could kneel down on his knees in front of her. His hair was wet from a shower, and Rey had to ball her hands into fists so she didn’t touch the soft curls that were starting to form.

Ben gingerly peeled the old bandages off before getting the towel damp. Gently, he wiped at her knees.

And that was when it hit her.

_Oh my god. Oh. My. GOD._

Rey was in nothing but her underwear and Ben’s extremely oversized black shirt.

 _Defcon 1! Or was it five? Which one meant that everything was about to go nuclear?_ Rey couldn’t remember.

She studied his face way too intently, trying to gage if he noticed the immodesty. She couldn’t tell; his face was blank. Maybe he didn’t. The shirt went almost down to her knees, which was a common length of a lot of dresses.

“You don’t have to do that,” Rey commented.

“You scraped up your skin pretty bad.”

“So?” When he glanced at her, confused, she felt like a ungrateful bitch. He was helping her, and yet, she disregarded the gesture so quickly just because she’d forgotten to put pants on?

_You better start showing some consideration or this guy will walk out on you._

_Forget the fucking pants!_

“Thanks,” Rey muttered.

Ben resumed cleaning off the dried blood.

Rey wished she could say the right thing, the proper thing… anything to rectify how she’d treated him before BB’s accident. She regretted it deeply, and if she could rewind time so she could tell herself to shut up and treat this guy like the Disney prince he seemed to be, she would. In a heartbeat.

What came out of her mouth… was not what she’d been going for. “ Ishouldn’thaveyelledatyouatmyhouse.” As Ben paused, she put more volume behind her voice and slowed down. “I shouldn’t have said those things to you… back at my place. I’m sorry.”

He offered her a small smile, as if being polite. Did he forgive her? Did he still want to see her? Rey was finding Ben extremely difficult to read.

He popped open the first aid container and lathered her scrapes with Neosporin and something else. Rey flinched when Ben made contact, but she was pretty sure her reaction was more because reality was a jumbled up mess at the moment, and her mind was jumping between her anguish over BB and her need to make things right with Ben.

“Why didn’t you tell me your brother was Poe Dameron?” Ben asked as he pressed a sterile bandage onto the raw spots.

When Rey hesitated to answer, he looked up.

She glanced away. “I – I don’t know. I thought maybe you already knew… since you took over his position at the zoo. And… I just didn’t want to explain –”

“It’s okay. I understand that you didn’t want to talk about it.”

God, he sounded so dejected.

With the bandages in place, he smoothed his hands over her knees, making sure the tape was strongly adhered to her skin.

“Look,” Rey started to say, nerves making her fidget with her fingers, “I know you’re just doing your job… that you want to make sure the animals are cared for.” His burnt coffee eyes stayed on her, holding her gaze as he remained kneeling. “I just… I promised Poe I would make his dream for the gorillas happen, that Shara would get a bigger home. And when I was faced with the possibility of losing my initial design... I just lost it. I got so mad, and I shouldn’t have said those things to you. I know that.”

“But?”

“But…” _Be honest, Rey. That’s how these things work._ “Even now, thinking about you being in my way, I’m already starting to get fired up about it.” Rey hung her head in her hands, ashamed over the anger that simmered in her gut. “God, I wish I could control my temper, but ever since I lost Poe… I don’t know.”

“You’ve been angry over suddenly losing your brother,” Ben said carefully.

Rey rubbed her eyes before letting her hands fall into her lap. “Yeah, but... I have nothing to point my anger at, no one to blame. It was an accident, no one was at fault.” The muscles of her chin trembled like a small child, and she looked toward the windows as if the light could soothe her. “It was raining so hard that night, even I would’ve had a tough time driving through it. But Poe insisted… I don’t know. Maybe he didn’t trust me to drive in such conditions. He always told me I wasn’t that great of a driver. Didn’t matter. The car hydroplaned and he could’ve gone into oncoming traffic, but he somehow maneuvered it so we went the other way and we flipped into a ditch and….” Rey wiped away an errant tear. “I was told later that his alcohol level was way below the limit, that he wasn’t impaired or anything.”

As silence ensued, Ben placed his palm atop her knee, making sure not to touch the bandage. Rey’s eyes immediately zeroed in on the contact, the skin on skin like a zap to her nervous system.

“I can’t begin to imagine what you went through,” he said softly. “But… maybe the root issue isn’t that you have no one to blame, but that you blame yourself for the accident somehow. And you shouldn’t.”

Rey opened her mouth to tell him to keep his analysis to himself, that he shouldn’t overstep, but she snapped it shut. She was the one who opened up to him. And what else was he going to say? She just really needed to stop going on the defensive every time someone showed her an ounce of compassion.

And also… his observation wasn’t wrong.

But Rey was so used to living by the saying ‘live and let live,’ that she’d grown accustomed to feeling this way.

Or rather, live and let self-destruct, in her case.

Sonofabitch. Why was rewiring her emotions so hard?

Her fingers twitched, about to cover his hand with hers. But he moved it away. Rey missed the feel of him instantly. “I’ve treated you like shit since I met you, and you’re still being nice to me. You’re a way better person than I am, cause if someone acted like this towards me, I would’ve walked away at the very start.”

Ben ran a hand through his hair. “Rey… the anger you’re feeling… I know it takes time to let go.”

“But you’re done with me.”

He frowned and shook his head sharply. “No.”

Rey chuckled sardonically. “Sounds like there’s a ‘but’ in there.”

“There is…. I’m just trying to figure out how honest I should be right now.”

That didn’t sound good. Rey looked down at her bandaged knees as she said, “Complete honesty. Nothing less.”

“Alright.” Ben paused. “So… since we’re both adults and no longer in junior high, I’ll just come right out and say it: I like you.” Rey swung her stare back at him, finding his expression to be sincere. “I like hanging out with you and talking to you. And I feel comfortable around you. I know it’s quick to say these things –”

“I like you, too.”

Welp. Check it. Guess honesty was contagious.

Ben’s eyebrows rose high, the shock quickly replaced with relief. “That’s… god, I’m not gonna lie, but that’s great to hear.” They smiled at one another. Ben cleared his throat. “But... the thing is, I just… don’t like arguing with you. Or when there’s yelling involved.”

“Oh,” Rey said, looking away from him.

“I’m not saying these things to make you feel bad,” Ben quickly clarified. “It’s just… growing up with my parents, they fought all the time. Like, the screaming and cursing at each other kind of yelling. I don’t want our rela– friendship to be like that.”

Rey nodded. “No, no. You’re right. I shouldn’t talk to you like that. And I’m sorry.”

“I know both times have been over a misunderstanding, but I’m nervous that… that…”

“That that’s just who I am? A dramatic, psychotic bitch with anger issues?”

Rey had been expecting maybe a laugh or a wisecrack response. Instead, Ben’s carefully controlled expression collapsed. “Don’t call yourself a bitch. Please. I – I don’t want you to feel like I’m judging you, but….” he hesitated, rubbing at his face. “God, I sound like a judgmental asshole. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anythi –”

“No. No, you should say something. And I don’t feel like you’re coming across as judgy. I should be held accountable for how I act and if I hurt your feelings. I’m a fucking adult, not a child anymore.” Rey breathed a silent sigh, leaning closer to Ben, holding his attention. “I know I don’t deserve to ask this, but... could you give me more time to prove to you that I can be a better person than what you’ve seen?”

Rey saw acceptance in Ben’s eyes. “I’ve seen a lot of great things about you already. And as for me, I’m not perfect either. I can be awkward and say things that I probably shouldn’t. Rey, I was never going to stop seeing you. Please believe that.”

And she did. Rey from ten years ago would’ve denied it, but Rey right now? Rey right now was lonely and desperately wanted companionship with the right person. And Ben made her feel good, feel special.

Feel wanted.

He stood. “You can get ready in my room, if you want,” he said, picking up Rey’s bag from the floor. “Then I can take you to see BB.”

“Could you… take me home after?” As much as Rey didn’t want to be in that house, she didn’t want to impose on Ben’s hospitality longer than necessary.

“Of course.”

Rey smiled her gratitude and hurried to the hallway, unaware of the way Ben eyed her bare legs.

 

 


	8. The Blight of Liveliness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and for those who have left comments!
> 
> Warning: this chapter has a flashback of Rey finding out Poe is brain-dead. If that is hard for you to read, skip over the italics.

When Rey had been so lost within the unfairness of her life, it never dawned on her that there were parts she should’ve enjoyed. Chances she should’ve taken. Dreams she should’ve lived out. Friends she could’ve made.

Sitting in the passenger seat of Ben’s truck – well, technically, his father’s truck, as he had explained – Rey watched the evening light of the sun cast the last remnants of warmth on the buildings they passed, all the while thinking of BB.

True to his word, Ben had taken her to visit him after she got dressed. She spent most of the afternoon by BB’s side, fingers softly stroking one of his paws, the only part of him she wasn’t scared to touch.

Rey didn’t actually hate BB, even if she did occasionally say so… and sometimes proclaimed it from the rooftops. But that didn’t mean she had a special bond with him, either. Not like Poe had. Looking after BB the last couple years had been more for Rey’s benefit than anything else – it was the last thing of Poe that remained in their once shared home. Even after boxing up and putting Poe’s things in storage, she had treated the dog like a displaced object rather than an actual living, breathing being who was just as lonely as her.

And from that line of thinking, Rey thought of Shara. Rey visited her multiple times a week, feeding and talking to her, trying to lift the gorilla out of the depression over not having seen Poe for a very long time. She had more of a relationship with Shara than she did with BB.

Rey had been so self-absorbed and angry, that she wondered if she’d missed the opportunity to find kinship with the one thing that loved Poe more than she did.

The guilt was piling on swift and fast.

“We’re here,” Ben said softly. Rey blinked out of her daze, seeing that he had parked in front of her place. She hadn’t even noticed that they had stopped.

Ben reached behind, grabbing the small duffle from the back seat. “I’ll carry in your stuff for you.”

Rey nodded, and then opened the door.

The walk up and inside the brownstone was quiet, her thoughts still back with BB in the zoo’s medical facility. Seeing him hooked up to monitors, tubes coming out of his small body, Rey couldn’t help but remember Poe in a similar position… before they had wheeled him away after her final goodbye.

_“… from the extensive scans, and the two other doctors being consulted and coming to the same diagnosis, Poe is by all accounts… brain dead.”_

_Kay was softly crying, holding on tightly to Rey’s hand, still wearing the black cocktail dress from the gala. They sat in chairs that offered no comfort, much like the situation that was playing out in real time._

_The male doctor – young, probably between Poe and Rey in age – was sitting across from them in the private room they’d been moved to. He did all the talking as a middle-aged woman sat next to him. Rey figured she was another physician from the white lab coat._

_“But…” Rey found herself saying. “I don’t understand. He’s breathing–”_

_“With the help of the ventilator. He can’t breathe on his own otherwise.”_

_“So… he’ll never wake up?”_

_“The damage to his brain from the accident was severe.” Brain dead. Ventilator. Accident. Damage. The doctor kept talking, saying something about how_ _some of Poe’s organs were already starting to shut down, and even with machine help, his heart will eventually stop_ _. But all Rey could think about was how she just wanted to go back to Poe’s room, hold his hand, and sit by his bed._

_Rey’s focus came back when Kay said her name. “Huh? What did you say?”_

_“The doctor,” Kay hiccupped, wiping at her face, “he’s talking about organ donation.”_

_“No,” Rey firmly told the man, but it was the woman who answered._

_“Your brother is a registered organ donor –”_

_“I don’t care,” Rey said vehemently. “He won’t be donating. He’ll wake up.”_

He’ll wake up.

_The woman leaned forward, all matter-of-fact, but with a softness to her eyes that contradicted her expression. “I understand this is a very difficult time for you. My husband suddenly died of a brain aneurysm five years ago. Something like this is very upsetting and horrible and there is no such thing as the right way to react. But I want you to understand what is going on here without room for interpretation, because it would be irresponsible of us to give you false hope. Your brother waking up is impossible.” The male doctor blanched, opened his mouth to say something, but the woman steamrolled right over him. “While his heart is still beating, keeping his body alive, Poe is gone. Waking up from brain-damage is a thing, but Poe is brain-dead, not damaged. And no one has ever recovered from such a diagnosis. Ever.”_

_The words splintered inside of Rey, causing more pain than the accident ever could to her body. Still in her white, blood stained dress, arm in a cast and sling, Rey understood what the doctors were trying to tell her: No more joining Poe on his walks with BB. No more birthdays of making Poe watch whatever movie was in the theater that day. No more late night chats over leftover Chinese food at the kitchen table._

_How was it only mere hours ago that Poe had been laughing and dancing, and now?_

_“Dr. Kalonia is right,” the young male doctor concurred painstakingly. “Poe will not wake up. I’m so sorry.”_

_Rey’s breath was ragged, but she calmed it a little, at least. “What if I don’t wish him to donate?”_

_She couldn’t imagine his body being cut into and harvested for the things that were his. He should be buried whole, not scrapped for parts._

_“Under state law, a family cannot override the donation of the individual who is registered.”_

_That statement was like a slap to the face. “I have no say?”_

_“Plainly speaking, no.” Rey kept looking to the doctors, mouth hanging open. They stood, each of them offering their condolences. “We’ll give you some time to process all of this. You can go back to Poe’s room whenever you want.”_

_Kay helped get Rey back to her brother, situating her in the same chair as before. She asked Rey if she wanted to change into some scrubs. For the third time, Rey declined._

_Logically, Rey knew Poe was dead. Knew he wouldn’t want to his body kept like this. But he was lying there, alive. There was color to his scratched up face, his skin warm, a pulse at his wrist._

_But the ventilator and bandaging on his head was the evidence that sentimentality was playing tricks on Rey’s heart._

_Rey watched her brother’s chest rise and fall, dazed, not believing any of this was real. Wondering if she’d had a stroke. Wondering if this was some kind of hallucination. Wondering if this was the end of her life._

Not yours, but Poe’s.

_“What do you think he’d want?” Rey lightly asked, shifting her gaze to Kay sitting on the opposite side of the bed._

_Kaydel looked to her mentor with bloodshot eyes. “If there’s a chance Poe could save a life, he’d do it. In a heartbeat.”_

_Rey started to sob._

Rey lingered in the entryway, thoughts all over the place as Ben looked unsure on what he should do.

“You’re sure BB will be fine?” she asked.

“I talked with Kay, Mitaka, and Jess before we left. We’re going to rotate watching over him the next few days. But he’s out of the most critical part of it.”

“... Okay.”

Rey’s mind harshly shifted to the letter she received from the person who now had Poe’s heart. It was in her desk in the den, buried beneath a box of pencils, sketching paper, snacks, and whatever else was able to be stuffed in there. Rey had wanted to throw it away, burn it, run it over with her truck when she first read it. But she didn’t. She couldn’t bring herself to get rid of the thing.

Now, she actually had a strange urge to go read it again.

Ben lifted his hand as if he was going to touch her. Then lowered it. “Do you… are you hungry?”

“I don’t know.”

“If you’re still wanting to shower, I can throw something together for you.”

“Okay,” Rey said again, turning to him. “I’m sorry I’m not so talkative right now. It’s weird… being here without BB.”

“I get it. And you don’t have to say anything.”

“I just want you to know that me being like this has nothing to do with you. You’ve been great… all day. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”

“You’re welcome,” he said, his voice extra low and sensual. At this point, Rey was pretty sure he had no idea that those little changes in his tone upped his sex appeal by a million points. “And don’t worry about me. I just want you to feel better.”

She nodded and gave a soft smile before heading upstairs, catching Ben’s worried frown as she glanced back at him.

The shower lasted till the water went frigid. Rey wasn’t sure how long she was in there. She’d taken long showers before, but never to the extent of depleting her three-month-old water heater.

Hair wrapped in a towel, a loose grey shirt and sweats hanging off her slender frame, she plopped onto her bed. Eyes on the ceiling fan.

There was a soft knock at the door. Rey sat up and tugged the towel from atop her head, running quick fingers through her damp hair.

 _Good enough_. “Come in,” she called out.

Ben timidly opened the door, popping his head in first before entering. Rey’s mouth watered the instant she saw a plate in one of his hands, her stomach roaring as if it had just been brought back to life.

Guess she was hungry.

Ben scanned her room before landing on the bookcases lining the adjacent wall, books crammed into every ounce of space. “That’s quite a collection of reading material,” he complimented. She recalled giving him a similar compliment on the collection of books back at his place.

Rey glanced at it, thinking that it was probably larger than Ben’s. “It’s my ‘shelf-confidence’, as I like to call it.”

His lips did that cute up-curve, a product from her humor. She could get used to making him smile. “Nice play on words.”

“I thought so.”

Ben placed a water bottle on her nightstand, holding out the plate. “I, uh, hope you like chicken piccata.”

Rey took the plate like a reverent offering, gazing at the mouth-watering feast. “How in the world did you make this?”

“It’s not too difficult, actually. If you just –”

“No, I mean, I don’t have any of the ingredients for something like... this.” Rey barely had a stick of butter and a carton of milk. Probably expired.

“Oh.” Ben ran a hand through his hair, scratching awkwardly at the back. “I went to that little grocery store a block over to grab some stuff. Rita’s, I think it’s called? They had everything I needed. And your fridge should be stocked enough to last you the rest of the week. So… yeah.”

“You bought me groceries,” she stated in awe.

Ben sat on the plush yellow chair in the corner, his massive body too big for the small frame, making it creak in protest. He leaned forward, elbows to knees, trying to disperse some of his weight. “I know when I’m not doing well, food’s the last thing I want to worry about. I just… wanted to help you somehow.”

Rey had only met this man on Friday – was time even a thing? – but it was remarkable how she felt like she’d known him a lot longer than that. “You saved BB. You’ve helped me enough.”

“I don’t think there’s a cap on how much you can help someone.”

God, his sincerity was going to murder the part of her personality that was self-centered.

Rey focused on the food, noticing that he cut the chicken into bite-sized pieces so she didn’t have to. Swirling a wad of noodles onto the fork and spearing a piece of the meat, she took a generous sized bite.

 _Keep him. Tie him down so he never leaves you._ _Worship the ground he walks on._

Hot damn, this boy could _cook_.

Rey moaned, chewing quickly. “Wow…” she admonished, placing a finger over her lips. “This is amazing.”

Ben positively beamed. “Really?”

“You must be quite the chef.”

“Cooking is more like a hobby for me. I’m really not that great at it.” And there he went, trying to be modest. “And I only really know how to cook meals that I like.”

“Well, you’re leaps and bounds ahead of me.” Rey took a swig out of the water bottle. “Takeout and freezer meals are my go-to.”

“I noticed.” Ben steepled his fingers, the corner of his mouth lifting with mirth. “I especially liked the dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets in your freezer. And the SpongeBob mac-n-cheese in the pantry. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think a child ran this place.”

Rey abruptly gulped down the half-chewed food so she could defend herself. “Hey. I’m an adult. Just last week I bought a vegetable.”

“What was it?”

“.... green.”

“That’s a color.”

“Some would argue it’s a flavor.” Rey kept eye contact as she took another bite, challenging him.

Ben’s voice lowered, a sultriness to it that almost made Rey choke. “Do I need to make sure you eat your daily vegetables?” Okay, scratch her earlier assessment. He had to know what that voice did to her… right? Why else weaponize it?

Rey told her eyes to glare at him, but she doubted they actually were. “I’ll fight you.”

“How do you think that’ll go?” he asked, arching a brow.

_You pull down my pants, bend me over a couch and rut into me like you’re a bull._

_Wow… the romance._

Rey didn’t answer him. She needed a moment to remember how to speak. Situating herself against the bed’s headboard, her pillows offered her back some cushion as she reached over for the remote and turned the TV on, plate resting in her lap.

“Do you–” Rey’s voice cracked. She cleared it. “Do you want to watch something with me?” She glanced over, finding his eyes to be on her and not the television. God, how was he so beautiful, so perfect, with those big brown eyes… and those lips? Soft, naturally pink. She would suck at those lips, nip at them, give them the attention they so rightfully deserved.

_Slow. Remember? Sloooooooow._

Rey was many things; patient was not one of them. Couldn’t she at least snuggle up to him? Rest her head on his chest that was no doubt chiseled like a marble statue? Hell, she’d take holding his hand. She just wanted _something_.

“We could see what’s on?” she added, breathless, like she just sprinted a mile.

Ben’s forehead crinkled. “In here?”

“I know my bed isn’t as big as yours, but I don’t take up that much room.”

“I can sit here.”

Yeah… that chair was not going to last much longer.

“No, it would just make me anxious knowing you’re uncomfortable. Please, I… you can lay on the bed.” She scooted over, making more room. “I don’t mind. Really.”

Ben pressed his lips together, rounding his jaw. “Umm…. Okay.”

He stood, and Rey immediately knew that it was indeed going to be a tight fit on her queen-sized mattress. “There’s extra blankets in the trunk in the den, next to my desk. It’s the door down the hall and to the right.”

Ben nodded and left. Rey scarfed down the rest of the food, chewing with her mouth open, taking big gulps of water in between. Then she got up, ran to the bathroom on quiet feet, and went through an appearance check: teeth clean, face unblemished, hair not too frizzy from air-drying.

Cute, in a lazy sort of way. Passable.

Launching herself back on the bed, Rey looked to be casually channel surfing as she waited… waited… and waited for Ben to come back. Minutes ticked by. Felt like decades. Did he get lost? Was he using the spare bathroom? Rey was about to go looking for him when he finally reappeared, a brown blanket in hand.

He remained at the doorway. Something was off about him. Was he nervous? That made two of them.

Rey patted the space next to her. Ben scraped a hand through his hair before closing the distance between them. The bed dipped considerably as he reclined next to her, and Rey had to angle herself away from him or else she would’ve slid onto his lap… because that would be bad. Very, very bad.

“Is _Chopped_ alright?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he quietly answered, crossing his ankles and arms, tense. “I’ll watch anything on Food Network.”

“Same.”

As they lounged in silence, Rey tried to pay attention to the program, making comments here and there in an effort to strike up a conversation. But Ben remained tight and reserved no matter what she said.

Rey shook her head. “I never understood why someone would try to make risotto in twenty minutes. It’s like they want to lose.”

“Yeah…”

Rey peeked over at him, noticing the rigidity of his jaw from his side profile. “You okay?”

“Just tired.”

“You can close your eyes and sleep if you want.”

Ben grimaced. “Actually... can I ask you about the painting you have hanging up in the den?”

“Is that why you were in there for a while?” Rey turned down the volume, shifting herself so she could face him more head-on. “The artist in you needed to give it a closer look?”

“Yeah. I…” He rubbed his lips with his fingertips. “I don’t want this to come off as rude, but you don’t seem–”

Rey showed her ironic smirk. “– like the type of person to own such a thing? I’m not offended; I know it’s true.”

Ben tilted his head. “Where did you get it?”

She heard the slightest overemphasis on the word “it”.

Rey hadn’t been expecting to talk about the one random painting she happened to own. But hey, if Ben was actually starting to converse with her, she’d take whatever subject she could get.

“I was at a meeting downtown,” Rey began to explain, “negotiating a contract for some new materials. It went longer than I wanted it to and I was starving by the time it was over. I wandered around, looking for a place to eat when I saw this exhibit across the street, the windows showcasing some paintings. There was something about them that just… made me go over.” Ben was really focusing on her now. Like he could see into her inner thoughts and desires with that singular gaze. “I know nothing about art. Like, zilch. But… I don’t know, the paintings just felt so real. I was still struggling a lot over losing Poe, but the images seemed to understand that. Which is weird, I know–”

“It’s not weird.”

Rey had to look away from him, combustion an actual concern from the way he was staring at her. “Anyway, most of the paintings were already sold by the time I got there. But I was able to snatch one up before this older lady could get it. Which is good, because it happened to be my favorite. _The Blight of Liveliness_ is what it’s called, and I’m pretty sure that lady wanted to kill me as I was finalizing the purchase. But you snooze, you lose. I just wish I could own more stuff by the artist. He hasn’t sold anything else since then.” She braved a look at Ben. His fixed stare was down on the bed. “Did you like it?”

He looked up. “Hmm?”

“The painting?”

“Oh. Yeah… It’s, uh, one of my favorites of his.”

Of course he would know about Kylo Ren. She figured most artists did that lived in the area.

“Well, if you want to know who he is, you’re out of luck. I’ve tried to get Kylo Ren’s real name from the gallery, but they wouldn’t budge. Apparently the guy wants to stay anonymous.”

Ben adjusted his posture so he was sitting more upright. “Maybe he’s just a really private person.”

“Probably is, and I don’t blame him. It’s actually something to admire, if you think about it.”

His brows rose. “It is?”

Rey nodded. “In this day and age where everyone wants to be famous and get attention, it’s nice to see someone do something they love that’s not purely based on recognition. They just create something beautiful and put it out in the world. Not many selfless people, nowadays. Ya know?”

“Yeah…” he agreed, looking to the TV and chewing at the inside of his cheek.

They went back to watching the program, Ben making comments right along with her, sinking a little lower into her bed. In the middle of the next episode, Rey heard soft breathing from beside her, finding him fast asleep. She lifted the blanket so it stretched over his torso, the relaxed lines of his slumbering face making him appear ten years younger.

It would’ve been nice to have met him then. Maybe they would have experienced their twenties together.

Tentatively, Rey touched his hair, caressing just the outside layer. It was as soft and silky as she imagined it to be.

()()()()()

Ben roused, at first burrowing deeper into the warmth of the sheets and pillows. He half wondered if he was dreaming, but upon lazily opening his eyes, the dark familiar room was more real than anything his subconscious could conjure. In the span of a second, he was more awake than he’d ever been, sitting up, finding he was alone.

Rey’s side of the bed was cold.

He went to his feet, rubbing the Z’s from his eyes. Ben ventured out into the hall, seeing a slit of light coming from the partially open door of the den.

He knocked lightly before pushing it open.

Rey was leaning over the desk, pencil in hand as she made lines over a large sheet of paper. She didn’t seem to notice him.

“Rey?”

Her head snapped up, body going still.

Ben neared her. “Hey. What are you doing?”

Rey put the pencil down, shrugging. “Just looking over some things… and thinking.”

The patterns on the paper held no relevance to him, but he could recognize the beginnings of a building taking shape. “And you said you knew nothing about art. I’d consider this quite a good sketch.”

“I can make lines and a design, but ask me to draw a portrait or a landscape and I’m lost.”

Rey’s gaze went to the painting on the wall, the one he, under the pseudonym Kylo Ren, had made. Out of the whole city of Chicago, and it had to be her who had acquired his most precious creation. He didn’t know what to think of that, of what a huge coincidence it appeared to be.

He’d been about to tell her he was Kylo Ren, had made up his mind that he would when he found the painting earlier. But he couldn’t get the words out. What if she asked him what it was? What had made him draw a woman figure in a white dress, covered in blood? What if those questions led to a deeper line of inquiries? She had seen his other works, knew they were emotional and dark. If she asked him what his inspiration was, what did he say?

Ben didn’t want to tell her about the heart transplant. Once someone knew, they treated him differently, more fragile. Breakable. And around Rey, he felt more like a man than he ever had in his entire life. He couldn’t lose that.

The air conditioning came alive. Ben felt the coolness on his face.

“Would you like to go somewhere with me?” Rey asked him.

“Now?” Ben glanced at the clock ticking away by the curtained window. 8:53 p.m. He needed to take his evening meds. He’d already been late taking them yesterday due to BB, so he should proba–

“I want to show you something,” she added, as if he needed convincing… which he sorta did.

He needed to get to his medication… but with the way Rey was staring at him, open and hopeful, he just couldn’t tell her no. “Okay.”

The drive was about twenty minutes, most of which was spent in relative silence. But it wasn’t of the awkward kind. More like a peaceful quiet that was experienced when two people were comfortable being in one another’s company.

Ben followed her to the side entrance of a skyscraper situated downtown, one that was probably used by maintenance and cleaning staff. The hallway was retina shattering with how brightly lit it was, causing him to squint all the way to the service elevator. He wondered where exactly she was taking him.

“This building… it was the first one I designed and built,” she said, the lift creaking along.

“Really?”

“The owner took a chance on me, a newbie just out of school. But he said that out of all the other prospects, I was the only one who added beauty into the design.” Rey kept talking, describing her inspiration for outlining the initial design and saying things Ben didn’t quite understand.

Rey was so smart that he was intimidated. She threw around engineering terms like a pro tennis player covering a U.S. Open volley, her voice as passionate as a Broadway star performing the climactic scene.

It was so fucking attractive.

The elevator stopped and opened, and they turned down another long hallway. Rey stopped at a door, punching in a six-digit passcode. When Ben stepped through the entryway, the warm night air welcomed him solemnly, the smell of the atmosphere hitting his nose. There were steel beams, ductwork, and an overhang to get past, but Rey guided him to where she wanted them to go.

“Watch your head,” she warned.

Ben ducked under a beam and then stopped at the edge of the building, right against the safety railing. The whole city of Chicago was laid out before him, monoliths of concrete soaring out of the sidewalk in exact grid patterns. His jaw slackened at the sight.

Rey eyed him, noticing his reaction. “This was also the first job I supervised on my own. I love this building.”

“Wow. That’s incredible,” he said gently, tearing his eyes away to glance at her admonishingly. “We can see all this because we’re standing on something you built.”

She chuckled. “I had help.”

“You mean you didn’t do this all by yourself?” Ben asked with mock disappointment. He sheathed his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “You misled me.”

Rey rolled her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest in a relaxed way. They both went back to appreciating the majestic view of the skyline, not a single cloud in the dark sky. Rows of buildings and skyscrapers stretched out across the concrete terrain, some of the windows alight from within. A half-moon hovered at the fringes of the glowing cityscape, the red blinking lights of radio towers twinkling in the distance.

Ben loved this city. New York was a close second, but here in Chicago, you at least had greenery and trees and parks in more abundance. And you still had a good view of the sky–

“I…” Rey started to say, unsure. “I told you about my parents dying in a car accident, but I left out the part where they weren’t my biological parents. They adopted me when I was six from a London orphanage. I have no clue who my real parents are. They just left me on the doorstep when I was four, the name Reyna inscribed in my jacket. The police never found any records of me, so… they never found who left me there.”

Ben clenched his hands into fists. What kind of parents did that to their child? “I’m so sorry.”

Rey tensed, her tone a little on edge. “I’m not looking for your pity.”

“And you don’t have it.” She shot him a surprised look. “I wouldn’t offend you in such a way. But… you don’t have to tell me this if you don’t want to.”

“I want you to know, though,” she muttered, her eyes wandering across his face as she leaned against the concrete guardrail. “I don’t remember Shara or Kes much, but I’m deeply grateful for the new life they gave me. And I got Poe out of it. I consider myself one of the lucky orphans. Not all of them get a family.”

But her family was now gone.

“You don’t have any ties to London anymore?”

She shook her head. “I did have dual citizenship since Shara was British and Kes was American. But after graduating high school, I didn’t want anything to do with England anymore. So I gave up my citizenship and became a full blooded American.”

“Do you regret doing that?”

“No. The U.S. is my home.” Her brows scrunched together. “Though, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to The Fourth of July.”

“Still bitter about us winning the Revolutionary War?”

Rey snorted. “Without France, you guys would’ve been toast. You bloody Americans always want to take all the credit,” she said, laying her accent on quite thick.

Ben nudged her gently with his shoulder. “Watch it, you’re one of those ‘bloody Americans’ now.”

Her modest smile made his heart skip. “No, I just still find it odd how patriotic all of you are. It’s not bad, but definitely a culture shock.”

There was a pause. And Ben felt compelled to ask, “But you do like it here? In the States?”

“I can’t imagine myself anywhere else.”

Well, he didn’t have to worry about her leaving then.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Ben honestly stated.

Rey met his stare, grinning as if he just told her she was the most beautiful woman in existence.  

Seven billion smiles, but hers was his favorite.

Ben watched tiny vehicles rush along tangled lines of streets, weaving together strings of light.

Rey shifted herself closer to him and cleared her throat. “It’s been years since I last dated anyone seriously, and even then, I’ve never had a relationship last more than a handful of weeks. So this may sound a bit juvenile, but, uh… may I hold your hand?”

Their eyes locked, neither of them blinking. Ben had to remind himself to breathe.

He held out his hand. Rey took it without hesitation, intertwining her fingers with his. Their palms were fixed securely together, her tiny hand the missing puzzle piece to his own. She positioned herself next to him, lolling her head onto his upper arm since she was slightly too short to rest it on his shoulder.

Ben wasn’t trembling; he wasn’t nervous. How could he be when being with Rey at this moment felt so unerring? He could see himself loving her, wanting things with her that he never wanted with anyone else. Even after the rollercoaster of the last few days, Ben didn’t regret meeting her. And while he knew she had the potential to be his first everything, what he really wished in life was for her to be his last.

 

 

  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some things I just want to point out. The flashback of Rey finding out Poe's prognosis is rather quick, and most of you will probably find Kalonia's delivery rather harsh. In her defense, doctors need to be blunt when delivering such news so there isn't room for family members to interpret a different meaning. Now, was it rather quick to get a brain dead diagnosis? More than likely. But the organ donation is sped up because some of the organs are beginning to shut down.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the chapter! Already starting on the next one!


	9. Consequences

Across from St. Mary’s hospital was a carefully constructed grid of doctor offices, the buildings having been renovated a decade ago with a modern cream stucco exterior and an expanded parking lot. Large trees and round bushes lined the outside, the faint scent of blossoms hovering in the warm summer air.

Ben was currently in the Heart Pavilion – an unofficial name the patients called the Cardiac Center – shirtless and sitting on the exam table in a private room. The thin protective paper crinkled under his rear as he adjusted his posture. Breathing in deep, the smell of antiseptic and latex tickled his nose, the combination no longer causing him anxiety. Hadn’t since he was sixteen.

Hospitals, doctor’s offices, medications, IV’s, shots – all those things were like an extended family to him. And all those things had saved his life.

“I think it’s hard for her, ya know?” Ben said, watching Dr. Kalonia as she sat on the small stool. She was typing something into the tablet, facing away from him as she leaned closer to the counter. “To let go some of the control and let me live my life. She likes to meddle a lot.”

“Leia’s probably just worried,” Dr. Kalonia commented as she tap, tap, tapped away.

“Yeah…” Ben glimpsed at the wall. On it hung two otoscopes, a standard blood pressure cuff, and a forehead thermometer. “It’s just too much at times.”

“Mmm-hmm. How’s exercising going for you? Any chest pain or shortness of breath?”

“No, none at all.”

Dr. Kalonia glanced his way, giving his exposed torso a clinical up-down. “You’ve been packing on quite a bit of muscle. I want you to be aware of your body and if it’s telling you to slow down.”

“I am, I swear. It’s all been slow progress, nothing too crazy.” Just that marathon last month. But Dr. Kalonia had okayed it after putting him through a strenuous and observed stress test. “I, uh… did have a question though.”

“Ask away.”

Ben found it difficult to look at her. “So… say that sex was a possibility–”

“Your heart is more than healthy enough to have sex,” she said so nonchalantly, like they were having a discussion about the weather. “Just remember to be mindful–”

“Of chest pain and dizzy spells,” Ben finished for her, trying to hide his mortification.

“Exactly. Wouldn’t want anything serious to happen during the act.”

Oh, god. His imagination started running wild from her last statement, visions of him passing out or dying in the middle of sex, just croaking out on top of Rey. Chances were now high he was going to have nightmares about it.

The door opened, a nurse walking in. Dr. Kalonia went back to the tablet, typing at a fast rhythm.

“Good morning, Ben,” the nurse greeted with a tired smile.

“Hey, Nicole.”

She grabbed for the thermometer, and Ben pushed back his hair so she could get a good clean swipe across his forehead. The device beeped. “98.6,” Nicole said to the doctor.

“Mmm-hmm,” Kalonia acknowledged. _Tap, tap, tap_.

Next was the blood pressure cuff. Ben stretched out his arm, these appointments second nature to him by now.

Dr. Kalonia sighed and swiveled around in the padded stool, actually making eye contact. “Well, everything’s looking very good. You’re doing great. How’re you feeling overall?”

Nicole had a rough time trying to get the cuff fully around his upper arm. She gave up and went in search of a lengthier one in the cabinets. She must have forgotten that they had ran into the same problem the previous two months.

“Good.” Ben paused, losing some of the enthusiasm. “Happy.” Then like a deflated balloon, the gusto was sucked right out of him. “I mean, of course I’m happy….”

Things were going great with Rey. Everything had been resolved with the Primate House on Tuesday during the meeting with Kay, Ben agreeing to give Rey the fifty feet after seeing that the Lion House wouldn’t be affected. They ate lunch and spent their breaks together during the day, took turns hanging out at each other’s places in the evening for dinner, talking or just watching a show. Rey trusted him, he could tell by the way she looked at him as he listened to her speak. 

Ben was definitely the more open and sensitive of the two. Because of that, it had been easy to put Rey in his heart and soul, despite the secrets he kept there. He wanted to be confident with her, to just tell her the truth about the transplant, but then old insecurities came back for another jibe…. What he hid from her wasn’t going to just magically disappear. It wasn’t like a summer cold that passed quickly, or a piece of dirt that could be swept under the rug.

What was going to happen if they got physical? He had a huge scar down the middle of his chest. Anyone with half a brain cell would know it wasn’t there because of cosmetic reasons.

The whole hand-holding business had certainly excited Ben when it had happened, but since then, he’d been too nervous to do anything more. He hadn’t touched her since Monday – had it really only been four days since that happened? – and Rey hadn’t tried anything either.

They were at this weird, physical standstill.

“Good.” Kalonia took out a white pad, writing something down.

Ben shrugged. “What else am I going to be?”

Lonely. Guilt ridden. All the synonyms that encompassed depressed.

While Ben was certainly happy during the hours he spent with Rey, they always eventually ended. And what did he think about? If it weren’t for someone dying, he wouldn’t be having those moments with her. Did the donor’s family miss spending time with their deceased loved one?

No matter what he did, Ben’s mind always came back to the same questions, an endless cycle that was slowly eating away at him. It was weird – he’d never been so happy in his life than when he was with Rey. But when alone, the self-deprecation he thought he had under control would come back with a vengeance.

“Well, we all have our days.” Dr. Kalonia ripped off two pieces of prescription paper, handing them over to Ben. “Add those to your morning meds.”

Ben grabbed them, his hand falling hard into his lap. More meds? And just when he was starting to believe they were cutting back on the pills. He was getting awfully close to the amount he started with right after the transplant.

Even as a veterinarian, Ben had a good understanding of the human body. Logically, he knew that switching up meds was a normal thing. He _knew_ that.

But mentally? Ugh.

Nicole came back over and velcroed the new cuff around his bicep. The inflating pressure tightened around his upper arm, cutting off blood flow to his hand.

“I don’t feel like I should have ‘days’,” Ben said with a certain desperate edge to his voice. “I should be happy just to be alive. And I am. I’m alive because someone else is dead.” He paused, pursing his lips together. “I should just shut up and be happy. Right?”

“Mmm-hmm,” Dr. Kalonia commented before clicking off the tablet and standing up. “Okay, you can put your shirt back on when Nicole is done. See you next month. Say hi to your mother for me.”

As the doctor left, Ben couldn’t help but feel dejected by her. The emotional part of him thought she really didn’t give a shit about him, but the rational portion asked him why that even mattered? Dr. Kalonia was there to save his life by performing a rigorous surgery, not coddle and hold his hand through the tough times that came after.

“She’s a great listener,” Ben said to the nurse.

Nicole popped the tip of the stethoscope out of her ear. “What’s that?”

He sighed. “Nothing.”

With his monthly doctor visit checked off for July and dressed in his work boots, jeans, and the dark green Lincoln Park Zoo polo, he ventured outside, finding that he had a bit of time before he had to head into work. Ben told Kay to expect him at 10:30, giving himself plenty of time in case Kalonia’s office was running behind. Much to his surprise, two minutes after checking into the lobby, Ben had been brought back to a private exam room. Dr. Kalonia followed five minutes later. It had to be a new record, one that was probably never going to be repeated again.

But what to do with the hour and a half that he had left?

His mom did live two blocks away. She had purchased the apartment during the really sick period of Ben’s life, both of them living there so he could be close to the hospital. Leia had taken him to his appointments, watched over him, and made sure he took his meds.

Sure, she had problems with being emotionally available to him, but her actions certainly qualified her for sainthood… if she wasn’t Jewish.

Ben should be a better son to her, and it had been a while since he visited her at her place.

Having made up his mind, Ben dropped by Leia’s favorite bakery on the way over and picked up a few of her best-loved treats: a cinnamon roll, coffee cake, chocolate chip walnut cookie, and a few muffins for him and Rey to snack on later.

His phone vibrated in his pocket. Probably his mom asking how the appointment was going. Walking on the sidewalk, he glanced at it, seeing that it was actually a text from Rey.

**From Rey:**

_Hope your physical goes well! Just remember to cough really hard when they tell you to bend over. ;)_

Even though he had lied to Rey about the specifics of the doctor’s visit, Ben still smiled at her message, pushing aside the deception. He quickly sent her a reply.

**To Rey:**

_All done. And the physical wasn’t that in depth._

**From Rey:**

_In depth. Lol_

Ben bumped into an older woman, apologizing before getting back to his phone.

**To Rey:**

_How old are you again?_

**From Rey:**

_Ha. Ha. When you getting here? Seems like you got done early._

**To Rey:**

_Stopping by my mom’s place then heading over. Will maybe get there around 10._

**From Rey:**

_I’ll meet you in the break room!_

The walking signal dinged, and Ben hurried across the street with the rest of the pedestrians.

**To Rey:**

_Already in need of a break?_

**From Rey:**

_I’ve been in need of a break since the moment I woke up. Can’t wait for Friday to be over so we can hang out tonight._

**To Rey:**

_I’ve been counting down the hours._

**From Rey:**

_Tbh, so have I._

There went those butterflies in his stomach again, getting him all hyped up and giddy.

Arriving at the high-rise, Ben pocketed his phone and went up to the sixteenth floor. He stopped in front of apartment 1609 and knocked.

Nothing.

He knocked again, this time a little louder.

Nothing.

His mom didn’t like to schedule things early in the day. With older age, she preferred a slower start to her mornings.

Ben tried calling her. Voicemail.

He glanced at the punch-pad above the handle, remembering the passcode. But he didn’t live there anymore. Would it be imprudent to just let himself in? Maybe. But if the roles were reversed, what would his mother do?

To that, Ben unlocked the door and went inside.

No one in the living room, and the immaculate kitchen was empty. “Mom?” Ben called out. He received no response.

He placed the bag on the quartz island in the kitchen, getting his phone out. He started typing a text to his mother, explaining that he had dropped by to see her and left some sweets from her favorite bakery in the kitchen.

Halfway through the typing, Ben froze, his head snapping up to the hallway that led to her room.

He heard something.

Had something happened? Did she fall and hurt herself? Was that why she wasn’t hounding him about his appointment with Dr. Kalonia? She always checked in with him on the days he had checkups.

Moving across the hardwood floors, he stopped in the corridor, getting a clear shot of his mother’s bedroom door. Was that giggling? There was a high-pitched screech, followed by a round of laughter. And then it hit him… what was going on.

His mother had company over. Like, _man_ company.

“... and don’t forget to cut up some strawberries,” he heard her say.

He was about to high tail it out of there, get out of this nightmare, but then–

“Anything else, princess?” Ben’s stomach knotted upon hearing that voice.

The door opened, and even though Ben knew that scruffy tone belonged to his father, somewhere in his grey matter he’d been trying to come up with a rationalization that it didn’t. But nope, it was the one and only Han Solo who walked out of his mother’s bedroom, butt naked, leaving nothing to the imagination.

Ben wasn’t sure what he did next. Did he have a seizure? A spontaneous concussion? Because everything fell away the second he met his father’s stare. It was like a dry eraser had hit his world out of nowhere and now he couldn’t even remember why he was there.

Startled, Han covered his nether region and said something. It didn’t register.

Ben couldn’t calm the rush of emotions that overtook him. Didn’t even try to fight it. Neglect was a beguiling thing: the feeling didn’t lessen over time. It festered in the part of the soul that housed love and affection, a poison that slowly worked its way through until you realized that you had a huge fucking problem on your hands.

And Ben had a huge fucking problem on his hands… in that he hated his father.

Where was Han when Ben was recovering? Not visiting him, that’s for damn sure. There were days where Ben’s mind had felt electrocuted, so violently defocused and alone, the emotional pain over knowing his own father didn’t give a shit about him almost making him crumble. Just like when he was younger, when his father walked out on him and Leia again and again and again.

Ben had tried giving this man his love, but Han had disregarded and stomped all over the offer.

Was Ben angry? Yes. Adding to that he was also bitter, and that was worse. Anger faded with time, but bitterness? That shit lasted forever.

Ben’s breathing came out hard as he loomed over his father’s sprawled out form on the floor, his mind playing catch up as he remembered rushing down the hall and decking Han right in the face.

Blood pooled out of his father’s mouth and through the hands that were trying to stifle the bleeding, sliding down his chin and neck. Leia was kneeling by Han’s side, a robe giving her modesty, eyes darting in panic.

Ben hurried to the kitchen, grabbed the bag from the counter and left, ignoring his mom shouting his name. It wasn’t until he got outside that he stopped and took in big gulps of air, the pain that was shooting up his right arm finally getting his attention. He brought his shaking fist up to view, the skin miraculously only red and not broken.

He hit his dad.

His. Own. Father.

It didn’t feel like a triumphant moment in the name of his past self. No celebration needed. No award given.

Ben took no pleasure in taking his father down. None. And didn’t that just make him angry.

But at least he had the wherewithal to snatch the bag from the bakery before he left. Those two certainly didn’t deserve it.

He hurried to the nearest bus stop, probably looking like a crazed Neanderthal. He noticed the stares, but shook it off.

Phone in hand, his thumb hovered over Finn’s name… but didn’t press down. Finn knew his parents well. Like, on a personal level. Would he listen to Ben rant and rage about what he just walked in on?

He opened the text folder with Rey.

**To Rey:**

_Coming to work now. I’m gonna need to take a break right when I get there._

**From Rey:**

_Everything ok?_

How honest should he be with her?

**To Rey:**

_Found my parents hooking up after my dad walked out of her room naked. Then I punched him in the face and left._

**From Rey:**

_Was not expecting that. Duck._

**From Rey:**

_Duck_

**From Rey:**

_Omg I mean Fuck. Stupid autocorrect. Are you ok?_

Ben boarded the bus and found a seat near the back, the throbbing in his hand gradually worsening. He flexed his fingers.

**To Rey:**

_I don’t think I broke anything in my hand, but it hurts._

**From Rey:**

_And mentally?_

**To Rey:**

_Angry? Idk. My thoughts are all over the place._

**From Rey:**

_Come to the break room right when you get here. I’ll be waiting._

()()()()()

Matters of the family tended to be tricky. Growing up in a small unit with just her and Poe, Rey would never claim to be an expert on familial matters. Having a sibling? Sure, she could dish out some knowledge on how to survive that. But that was as far as she dared to climb on the familial aptitude scale.

Through the swirl of a tense atmosphere, Ben kept pacing, having gone into more detail about finding his parents together in his mother’s apartment. For one, this whole scenario was waaaaaaay out of Rey’s ballpark for her to even consider giving him a sliver of advice. Two, she did not personally know his parents. Ben tended to steer clear of talking about his dad whenever the topic of family came up.

So as she sat in the break room, seated at one of the three circular tables, eyeing the unopened bag from the bakery, Rey nodded and gasped during the spots that called for it. Her opinion was Ben’s opinion since she was obviously biased to the whole matter. She cared deeply for him, would stand in his corner if needed. His parents? To be determined, but the verdict wasn’t looking good.

“I just… I don’t get it,” Ben said. “Han’s a loser. He’d leave without even telling us and be gone for weeks at a time. He missed birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. Hell, when my mom had a miscarriage, do you know what he did?” Rey had a pretty good guess, but figured it was rhetorical. “He left to India or some shit. And none of those absences had anything to do with his commercial flying, either.” Rey lost count how many times Ben ran his hands through his hair. At this rate, he was going to go bald… which would be a travesty. “I watched as my mom cried over that useless fucker for years, and now she’s sleeping with him? They’re divorced, for fuck sake!”

Rey could definitely see why Ben had a problem with his father. She would too if she were in his position.

“Maybe they’re lonely,” Rey said more as a comment than an actual answer.

“Can’t she find someone else, though? Like, why Han? Why?”

Rey shrugged. “People are comfortable with the familiar?” She was starting to run out of things to contribute to this conversation. And she wanted to contribute. She wanted to help Ben sort all of this out. But the words… she needed the right words!

His phone vibrated against the table. Ben slowly turned it over, bracing himself as if a creature were going to pop out of the screen and maul him to death. He sighed once he saw the caller ID, making no move to answer it.

“Your mum again?”

Ben plopped down into the chair next to her, elbows on the table and head resting in his hands. “I can’t talk to her right now. Or ever.”

“She doesn’t seem like the type of woman who would just give up.”

“I just….” He groaned and aggressively rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hands. “God, every time I blink, I see my dad walking out of that room. I want to light my eyes on fire right now.”

“At least it wasn’t your mother who walked out of there without any clothes on.”

Ben groaned again, louder and longer. Rey winced. She always had the curse of saying the quiet parts out loud at the most improper moments.

Ben glanced at her, seeing her torn face. “I’m sorry.”

Rey frowned. “For what?” She was the one who made a pitiful attempt at a joke.

“Sitting here, complaining about my parents when yours….” He let that trail off and bit his lip.

“When mine are gone,” Rey finished for him, nodding, understanding his line of thought.

Ben’s eyes shifted to the vending machine, and he took a deep breath. “Makes me feel like an inconsiderate asshole.”

Rey wanted to take his hand. Make some sort of contact. Like they had when they were overlooking the city. But that day had been an anomaly, it would seem. They had held hands the whole way down the lift and during the ride to her place, only letting go when they said their goodbyes and parted. But since then? Nothing. Rey had waited and waited for Ben to bring it up.

He hadn’t.

Ben was unfailingly polite, as open as a summer night sky, and apparently snail-pace slow on the uptake that she desperately wanted him to make a move. It didn’t have to be much; hand-holding was fine. Maybe even a kiss. She didn’t want to rush into deeper physical endeavors.

But seeing how she was the one who initiated the first contact, wouldn’t that mean the ball was now in his court to do something next?

Instead of touching him, Rey said, “It’s okay. Really, Ben.” He looked at her skeptically. “You’re, like, the most considerate person I’ve ever met. And I know that everyone has different circumstances. I’m not going to tell you that you should be happy they’re back together and just appreciate the fact that your parents are alive. Saying something like that would be excusing them for how they hurt you, and make your feelings out to be invalid when they matter.”

His eyes clung to her. “That’s… thank you, for understanding.”

“Just…” How did she express this correctly? “I don’t want you to hold back telling me things because you think you’ll offend me or something. It always bugged me how people reacted when they found out my parents were gone and it was just Poe and me. They’d start telling me stories about how families weren’t all that great and their parents nagged them all the time and their five siblings bullied them relentlessly growing up. Like, they don’t have to make a family out to be this horrible, inconvenient thing just to make me feel better about not having one. It’s okay for people to have an intact family unit. But it’s also okay to have a dysfunctional one, or not have one at all. Life is different for everyone.”

The pride in his stare was so much like Poe’s. “That’s a very mature way to look at it.”

Rey hadn’t always felt that way. Her twenties consisted of a bitterness that rivaled black coffee and a jealousy even Heathcliff would disapprove of. Then one day, she realized she hated carrying around all that envy and strived to love her life for where it had taken her. Aging either cultivated anger, or it granted perspective. Rey was strong enough to reprogram her brain for the latter.

She nudged his leg with her boot. “I told you I’m an adult… even if I don’t eat my vegetables.”

“Well, I know some adults who eat their vegetables and they still act like five-year-olds.”

“See? You shouldn’t be so prejudiced against us non-plant eating folk. We can be good people.”

His expression softened. “Yes, you can.” Rey’s breathing shallowed, his pensive look melting into a smile as soft as a setting sun.

“Is there”– Rey gulped, voice lowering –“anything I can do to cheer you up?”

He didn’t blink, his attention raptly focused on her. “Just being here and talking to me is enough.”

“Okay. Talking I can do,” she said, voice breaking on the last syllable. Rey wondered if she could, indeed, keep talking. If he kept staring at her like that, speech was going to evade her real quick.

She blurted out the first question to come to mind. “Are you a sad nap, or a sad shower type of person?”

“Huh?”

The jitters gradually dissipated as she explained. “You know, when you’re sad or feeling emotional – kinda like right now – would you take a nap to feel better? Or a long, hot shower? Baths can also count.”

Ben chewed at his lips. It was supposed to be just a playful change in subject, but he was taking it so seriously, that Rey couldn’t help but find him endearing. “I guess… I’ll have to go with nap. What about you?”

“Shower. Definitely.”

“Why definitely?”

Rey tapped at her temple. “Too much going on in my head already when my mood is normal, but when I’m emotional? It’s like a rollercoaster of thoughts going on in there and I have a tough time going to sleep. A scalding hot shower helps me feel a little better.”

Ben was affronted. “Scalding? You like burning your skin off?”

“Mmm,” Rey reveled, imagining herself under a stream of blistering water. “Anything less and I’ll get hypothermia.”

Ben chuckled. Rey eyed the bag from the bakery. “Are these treats up for grabs? Or–”

“Oh, yeah.” Ben pushed the bag closer to her. “I actually bought some muffins for you, but you can have whatever you want.”

“Look at you, feeding me,” she said, taking a peek inside. Rey settled on the cinnamon role, munching on it as they kept talking.

She grabbed a napkin and asked, “Are you religious?”

“We’re finally getting to the controversial stuff, huh?”

“Everyone can believe in whatever they want. Nothing controversial about believing in, say, the Holy Trinity.”

“You mean Bob Ross, Mr. Rogers, and Steve Irwin?” Ben deadpanned.

Rey coughed and nearly choked on the pastry as she tried to stifle a laugh. “Obviously for you, Steve Irwin would be God in this scenario.”

“Obviously. Man, I cried for a week straight when that guy died. His show on Animal Planet was my favorite. But to answer your question, no, I’m not religious. I’m part Jewish, though.”

“Your mum?”

“Yep. But she isn’t orthodox or anything. What about you?”

Rey chewed and swallowed the last bite, shaking her head. “Nah. Never really got into doing the whole church thing. But I’d like to think that there’s something out there, though… watching over us. That this life isn’t all there is.” Because if she could never see Poe and her parents again? Let’s just say, Rey’s ability to get through the day would become way more difficult.

“You believe in heaven?”

She licked her fingertips. “I wouldn’t say ‘believe’... more like really hopefully optimistic that it exists.”

“Me, too,” Ben whispered gently.

She recalled Ben saying something about getting her a muffin. Rey went on the hunt for it. “Did you always want to be a vet?”

“I didn’t really make the decision to pursue it until my last year in high school. And I have no regrets.” Rey placed one of the poppy seed muffins in front of him, wanting to share since there were two. “I love what I do, and I love the animals I meet.”

She peeled off the lining. “But you don’t have a dog or a cat?”

“Uh… well…” Ben picked at the little domed cake. “Because I helped out my mom so much when she was sick, I didn’t want to get a pet I couldn’t give a good amount of my attention to.”

Made sense. “What exactly was she sick with, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Ben hesitated. “She… she had–”

Armitage walked into the break room, his surprise at seeing both Ben and Rey very blatant. He glanced from her to Ben, before settling on Rey.

“Rey.” Dressed in khaki shorts and a beige button up shirt – the attire he wore whenever he showcased any of the birds in front of an audience – Armitage moved so he was standing in front of her. “How are you?”

Rey remained seated, her right pointer finger starting to pick at the skin around her thumbnail. “Good. You?”

“Getting by, same as always. I was wondering… how’s your phone?”

“My phone?” She began to internally panic, foreseeing where he was going with this.

“I’ve been texting you, trying to set up another time for a date and you haven’t responded.” While his face held civility, something in his voice warned her to be cautious. It was difficult to hide her annoyance, though. When Armitage had started texting her, she asked Kay if she gave him her phone number. She hadn't. So where did he get it?

“Oh, sorry. I’ve been meaning to text back,” she said, trying to come off as an airhead. “It’s just things were really hectic for a bit.”

_And you’re transitioning from the douchebag territory and into the creepy._

“Have they slowed down?”

“A little.”

He smiled a charming smile. He was handsome; she’d give him that. But it was his personality that made him unattractive. “Then how about we try this date thing again? I could take you out tonight?”

She glanced at Ben. His stare was focused on the muffin in his hands. Talk about peak awkward. “I actually already have plans for tonight.”

Armitage caught how she had looked to Ben, his grin faltering. “When would be a good time, then?”

God, Rey hated this part of dating. She really did. She had turned down a handful of men in her time, and in turn, she had been passed by as well. Being on both sides of a dismissal, she could attest to how much it sucked and tended to punch a hole into your self-esteem.

But she needed to put her big girl panties on and stop trying to avoid Armitage by coming up with another excuse as to why she couldn’t go out with him. People deserved the truth, even if that person treated restaurant employees like they were less than and were questionable on a stalker-level.

Rey uncrossed her legs, only to recross them, her body becoming antsy. “Look, Armitage, I’m going to be honest with you because anything else would, I fear, be very misleading. You seem like a nice guy, but I’m not interested in getting involved with you in that way. Your effort is commendable and I’m sure you’ll make another girl really happy. That girl just won’t be me.”

Not the worst delivery she’d ever done. She made sure to sprinkle in plenty of compliments, hold eye contact, and made her tone sympathetic.

Armitage was silent for a few beats, face tightening as his narrowed eyes bounced between her and Ben. “I’ve noticed you two have been hanging around each other a lot lately.”

Rey could feel her body heat starting to rise. She just wanted him to go away. “Is that not allowed?”

“Just makes me wonder if you ditched me at the restaurant so you could go hook up with him.”

Rey’s eyes popped wide. “Excu–”

“And how would that have worked?” Ben abruptly asked, no longer able to sit on the sidelines once he was brought up. “I was tending the bar all night.”

Armitage shrugged. “Maybe she snuck in through the back, gave you head while on a break.”

Rey’s mouth fell open, and for the first time in a while, she was speechless.

Ben shot Armitage an are-you-fucking-serious. “Ya know, whoever told you to be yourself gave you some really shitty advice.”

“Should I call up the restaurant and get you fired?” Armitage challenged.

“If you hadn’t been interrupting me every five seconds that night, you’d know that I don’t actually work there. And I doubt they would take the word of a customer that was kicked out.”

“Then I’ll just report you to the Director of the Zoo.”

Rey bolted to her feet. “For what? You’re the one implying that I’m a slut.” She was so tempted to slap this motherfucker senseless, but she kept her heels firmly planted where they were.

Armitage scoffed. “You don’t even work here. Everyone lets you walk around like you own the place just because your brother was some kind of god to these people. But you?” He switched his attention to Ben. “You operated on an unauthorized animal using zoo resources. Seeing how that’s against policy, I’d say you have a good chance at getting fired.” Rey blinked, shocked that he had found out about that. “Yeah, secrets don’t last long around here.”

Rey swallowed back her surprise, squaring off at him. “Do it, asshole, and see what happens.”

“Oh, I've already reported him.”

“You what?!”

Armitage cocked his head. “Which part didn’t you understand? That I reported him? Or that he’s going to be fired?”

Rey opened her mouth. Closed it. Floundered for something to say. “Are you seriously doing this because I won’t date you?”

The hard smile Armitage sported was like seeing the devil take pleasure in enacting cruelty. “This is where being a rude bitch gets you.”

Rey took a step toward him, not willing to back down. “I could be the most ladylike bitch on the block, and yet, I still wouldn’t fuck you.”

“Fucking whore–”

Ben stood so fast, he knocked over his chair as he got right into Armitage’s face. “Disrespect her again, and I’ll beat your head against this table till you no longer have a fucking nose to breathe through.”

Any warmth in the room immediately evaporated.

Rey watched the two men without turning her head, heart hammering at the sudden aggression Ben was exuding. The threat had been delivered so smoothly, without even a stammer or blink, that she knew it wasn’t just a veiled warning. Ben’s brows were down low, his heavy shoulders set like beams for a house. She’d never seen him this threatening before… this terrifying.

“Ben,” Rey said. “Ben.” But she wasn’t catching his attention.

To Armitage’s credit, he didn’t move away. He’d gone pale from fear and his eyes widened, but he stood his ground. “Touch me and you go to jail.” It was like Armitage was trying to provoke him. “Go ahead, throw your career away.”

And then Rey saw it: Ben’s balled fists, the twitch under his eye, the tight look of rage pulling at his facial muscles.

Ben was going to see his threat through.

“Ben,” Rey said cautiously, pulling at his arm, getting between the two men. “Hey, he isn’t worth it. Think of your job.”

Rey was right in front of him, but he kept looking at Armitage, grinding his molars so hard that his temples were visibly protruding.

Armitage had the gall to snicker. “That’s what I thought.”

“Get out,” Rey snapped at the man over her shoulder. Armitage held up his palms, backing away until he was out of the room.

The exhale out of Ben’s mouth lasted well into next year.

Rey didn’t take her eyes off of him as he began to pace between the vending machine and wall. The tension in the air was so thick, she could tug on it like a rope. Maybe use it around Armitage’s neck so she could choke him to death, fucking prick.

With such a masculine face and huge body, Rey could understand why Ben would unsettle most people. Before this, he never came off as threatening or mean or malicious. For some reason, Rey had believed him incapable of being any of those things.

That had been naive of her to think. For one, she hadn’t known Ben for long. And two, he looked so formidable that even she had to a reflexive step back in the name of self-preservation. Which was ridiculous. Ben would never hurt her. She knew that.

But human survival was rooted in instinct, not logic.

Rey started to ramble, feeling the need to calm him. “Hey, it’s going to be okay. Nothing’s going to happen to your job, alright? I’ll call Kay and we’ll figure something out. And D’Acy loved Poe; I doubt she would take any serious action against you. Maybe a slap on the wrist and a long lecture to Kay and the other vets for trying to keep this quiet, but she wouldn’t fire you. Armitage has only been working here for a year. He doesn’t know these people like I do.” Ben had stopped with the back and forth, eyes fixated on the corkboard covered with candid pics of zoo employees and animals. “Ben?”

“I can’t believe he called you a whore,” he said in disbelief.

That was not what she’d been expecting him to focus on. “I hardly think that’s important right now.”

Ben turned to her. “He called you a whore and a bitch. To your face. How the fuck can he talk to a woman like that?”

“I’ve been called worse, trust me.”

Ben grimaced, then shook his head. “I’m sorry for interfering. I tried not to. I know you can handle yourself. I just… felt this need to protect you… I don’t know.”

What he said reminded Rey of Poe, of how he always promised her that he would protect her against anything. No matter what.

“No, don’t apologize. I was actually about to punch that ginger pig in the face,” Rey said, trying to lighten the mood. “But I think you intimidated him way more than I ever could. You have that I’m-going-to-kill-you stare down pat. Whenever I try it, I just end up looking like an angry toddler who skipped nap time.”

The attempt at levity didn’t change Ben’s demeanor.

He drew his brows in tight. “I… I’m not a violent person,” he said softly.

“I know.”

Hands on his hips, his shoulders slumped, like he was caving in on himself. “I mean, I had anger issues when I was younger, initiated some fights because I was stupid, but I’m past all that now. I do things that help me keep it under control.”

She closed the distance between them, placing a hand on his arm. “I believe you.”

He considered her, features pained. “But I wanted to hurt him. I could envision taking him by the neck and slamming his head against the table. It would’ve been easy.”

“Some of this aggression could be left over from the confrontation with your dad earlier.”

Ben groaned, head lolling back. “Right. My parents. For a second, I forgot all about that.”

“Sorry.” Rey paused, abdicating her touch from his bicep. “Do you still want me to come over tonight?” She wasn’t sure if he wanted to be alone after everything–

“Fuck yes,” he said with so much force, Rey slightly jumped. Ben winced, realizing his delivery was too much. “Sorry. It’s just, you coming over is the only thing I’ve looked forward to all week.”

Rey grinned bashfully. “Same for me.”

As she looked at him, that stare of his bore into hers. It burned in a way that took her back to that moment where they first met, gazing at each other through the throngs of people at the café.

Rey’s heart leaped in her throat.

Ben glanced at her lips and she knew in an instant what he wanted to do. And it surprised her just how ready she was for it. How much she needed it. After the emotional ride she just experienced, she needed to have him close. But when all he did was a whole lot of staring, Rey couldn’t wait anymore.

Her mouth suddenly locked with his, kissing him, hands grasping at his shirt to pull him closer. Those plump lips of his were velvety and warm, a liquid gold that sent heat spiraling through her veins. Eyes closed, she wasn’t met with darkness, but with a passion that blazed her brain asunder.

She’d never experienced this before. Not with any man she’d been with. Those experiences had been like what you had on a summer night, sitting by a small fire that didn’t really need to be there to keep you warm, but just something that helped you feel a little less lonely.

Being with Ben was like Rey had been lost in the middle of a forest, feet of snow surrounding her and the wind chill about to kill when she suddenly came upon a conflagration of flames, acres upon acres ablaze with a fire that was uncontrollable, but in that moment, lifesaving. Rey had been dying, freezing to death, body growing numb. But fate had sent something to save her in the most fantastical and dramatic of infernos in order to thaw out her frozen soul.

Rey upped the moment by drawing her tongue over his lips, trying to gain entrance. Ben moaned and drew her closer with strong hands at her hips. Rey swallowed his pleasure as they slid closer to each other, no visible gap between them, their bodies pressed–

The door opened. Next thing Rey knew, she was met with cool air, Ben having jumped six feet away from her.

Jess walked in, her long black hair up in a high ponytail. “Ben, we’ve been trying to get you on the radio–” The woman’s monolid eyes rebounded between them, her stare narrowing. Rey was trying to slow her breathing. Epic failure. “Everything okay in here?”

“Yep,” Rey said too quickly. “We were just… discussing BB. About how he’s doing.”

“Uh-huh,” Jess said, not at all convinced. If Ben could stop looking like a deer in the headlights, that excuse might have worked. “Well, if you two are done with your ‘discussion,’ Camille the Camel has what looks like an abscess growing on top of her head.”

“Head?” Ben seemed to have a hard time shifting his focus over to Jess, as if the intimacy of the moment he’d been sharing with Rey was something he had to travel back from. “Not the hump?”

“Nope, which is why we’re wanting to have you take a look at it.”

“How big is it?”

“About the size of my fist.”

That solidified his curiosity. “And no one noticed this yesterday?”

“According to Josh, it wasn’t there when he put her in her stall last night.” Jess glanced at Rey, eyes knowing. “I’ll give you guys a minute. I’ll just wait out in the hallway.”

As the door shut and they were left alone, a heavy silence settled over the room, heavier than the sexual attraction that had been between them only minutes ago. Unsettled eyes unceremoniously glanced around the break room, both trying to avoid eye contact.

Ben ran a hand through his hair. “I’ll, umm… I’ll see you tonight?”

Rey’s mouth was almost too dry to speak. She nodded eagerly and croaked out, “Yes.” She cleared her throat. “And I’ll pick us up some food on the way over.”

“You don’t have to–”

“I want to.”

“...Okay.” Ben did that thing with his lips and jaw, the rounding and pursing that told her he was either concentrating or nervous. “So, yeah…” He motioned to the door. “I should probably–”

“Get back to your job,” she finished for him. “Of course. That camel isn’t going to heal itself!” Rey said with way too much gusto. Her blush seared through her cheeks and for a second, she wondered if her face was on fire.

Ben chuckled. “Yeah….” He hesitated, took a step toward her, then course corrected for the door. “Text me if you’re able to talk to Kaydel?”

Right. She forgot about the whole Armitage thing. And that was way more serious than the fact that they had kissed and were now acting like it never happened.

Rey nodded. “Everything’s going to be fine,” she assured him. “Don’t worry. We’ll figure it out.” Ben smiled. It was small, but just enough to make Rey’s heart skip a beat.

After he left, Rey just stood there, thinking.

There was no way in hell she was going to let Armitage ruin Ben’s career. Rey wasn’t one for passive aggressive bullshit. So if she had to go toe-to-toe with Armitage, the guy better be wearing battle armor.

Because Rey protected what was hers with a tank-like ferocity.

  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading everyone! Next chapter will hopefully be posted next week!


	10. Stress Cleaning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is coming over to Ben's place, he's nervous about seeing her again after that kiss, and things heat up between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kind comments and for reading this fic! I hope you guys like the chapter! Warning: there is explicit content and crude language in this chapter.

Wiping down the coffee table with Lysol, Ben was a ball of jitters waiting for Rey to arrive at his place. He tried to work through it by cleaning, cleaning, and, whad’ya know, more cleaning, saturating the air with the smell of pinesol and lemons to the point that it might be headache inducing.

Great. He’d gone overboard.

He should stop.

He kept going.

Dressed in blue jeans, a white tee and grey socks, Ben switched over to giving the kitchen one more wipe down. All the frantic moving and nervous energy was causing him to build up a sweat. And then, out of nowhere, a line from M*A*S*H* popped into his head:

_“Winchester do not sweat. We perspire. And Winchester’s do not perspire.”_

Or something to that effect. Ben hadn’t seen the show in a while.

Either way, Charles Emerson Winchester III would be immensely disappointed in him, because he couldn’t get himself to stop ‘perspiring’.

Ben had already taken a shower after exercising; he didn’t have time for another. Rey had text him fifteen minutes ago that she had the food and was on her way.

What would happen when she got there?

All Ben could think about since that morning was the kiss. That was it. That was the only thing occupying his mind. And from the tightness in the crotch area of his jeans, his testosterone levels wanted to further explore that interaction.

It had been Ben’s first kiss, and it had been perfection. The lead up to it had been less than ideal, with finding out his parents were sleeping with each other and Armitage being more of a conniving asshole than Ben ever thought possible. But talking with Kay a few hours ago had settled his nerves when it came to his job. She assured him that D’Acy wasn’t interested in firing him.

Still, he was now walking on thin fucking ice. He wanted to blame Armitage for that. Part of him did. But it was Ben’s actions that had done him in, and his uncle had been the one to engrain in him to take responsibility by accepting the consequences.

When it came to the matter of his parents… well, he ignored his mother’s calls and left the texts unread. He didn’t want to deal with any of that shit over the weekend. He preferred to stay in his carefully crafted bubble of ignorance for just a while longer, thank you.

Three short raps came from the door.

In that split second, every nerve in Ben’s body and brain was electrified over the prospect of being with Rey again. Words couldn’t properly describe the entire feeling, it even eluded context. And yet, it was so tangible, he felt like he could reach out and cradle it in the palm of his hand.

He washed off his hands and patted them dry before crossing the room. Hand on the knob, he took two deeps breaths and opened the door.

They stood there, just staring at each other. Like they’ve done so many times before. Like they were shocked the other even existed.

 _Say something._ “Hey.”

_So profound._

Rey visibly relaxed, her shoulders lowering as she smiled with her dimples. “Hi.”

Snapping out of it, Ben saw that she was balancing BB on top of a little doggy bed, a white plastic bag hanging from her wrist. She raised her arms, indicating to the take-out. “I brought Korean barbecue… and BB.”

Ben moved forward. “I can take him.”

The dog perked up the moment he took the bed, whining and wiggling across the plush padding so it could burrow itself against his chest. Ben put him down in the corner by the TV, petting the top of BB’s head through the ‘cone of shame’ and letting the Pomeranian lick his hand.

He did a quick check of BB’s stitches on the abdomen and the cast on the front left leg.

Rey put the food on the table and filled a small bowl with water before making her way over to the pair. “I made sure to bring some absorbent pads since there isn’t a park nearby.” She laid out a blue square of medical material next to the doggy bed, along with the bowl. “Or if it’s too disgusting to have him go potty in your place, I can take him downstairs and see if he’ll go outside.”

“Disgust me?”

“You know,” Rey motioned around, “since you’re, like, a really clean person and all. I’ve seen how you use hand sanitizer every five minutes.” She didn’t comment on the obvious smell of cleaning supplies.

Ben was slightly embarrassed that she noticed his aversion to germs. But he couldn’t explain to her why. “I’m just cautious. But it’s fine for him to use the pad. I don’t want you to keep going all the way downstairs.”

Read: He didn’t want her to leave.

“So…” Rey grabbed a bag of dog food from her purse, opened it, and placed it next to the water. “You’re sure it’s okay that I brought him over?”

“Yes.” Ben scratched under BB’s chin, the dog relaxing from the touch. “What kind of vet would I be if I let one of my recovering patients be alone all evening?”

Rey chuckled. “It definitely helps me out. My neighbor Lisa’s fine with watching him during the day while I’m at work, but I didn’t want to dump more on her plate by asking her to watch him tonight. She already has four kids.”

“Well, BB’s looking great. You and Lisa are taking great care of him.”

Rey glanced at his hand, snatching it away from BB and holding it close to her face. “This has gotten a lot worse since this morning,” she commented, eyeing the dark bruising on his knuckles.

“It’s looks worse than it is.”

There was a chill to her fingers as she gently touched the area. “You sure nothing is broken?”

Was it bad to feel elated that Rey was fretting over him?

“Positive. It’s just tender, but I’ve been taking Motrin to help with the swelling and pain.”

“I can’t imagine what your dad must look like. His nose has to be brok–” Rey stopped talking and pursed her lips, awkwardly going to her feet. “Should we eat, then start the show?” She headed for the table, not waiting for Ben’s response.

He followed, but made a beeline to the sink to give his hands a good scrub. “Don’t feel bad about bringing up my dad.” Ben lathered his hands with soap.

Rey didn’t sit, but remained standing next to her chair. “I know you don’t like talking about him.”

Ben shrugged, rinsing off the suds. “I told you about the fight. It’s only natural for you to bring him up.” He turned off the running water. “And thanks for picking up the food, by the way.” He had offered to get something nearby or to even cook, but Rey insisted it was her turn to treat him.

Her mouth twitched, fighting off a smile. “I wasn’t about to let you try your hand at takeout.”

Ben tore off a piece of a paper towel, tossing it in the trash once he was dry. “Rey, I’ve eaten takeout before.”

“Not to the extent I have.”

Ben chuckled and rolled his eyes. He didn’t fight her on that.

“What would you like to drink?” he asked.

“Water’s fine for now. No ice, please.”

Ben grabbed two glasses and went to the fridge, filling them to the brim. Rey was still standing when he got to the table, tense, like she was waiting for something.

Ben put the glasses down. “Is everything okay? Is something missing from the order?”

Her eyebrows rose. “Nope. No. Not at all.” She plopped down into the chair, popping the lid off a container and plastering on a grin. “Everything’s great.”

Ben narrowed his eyes, but didn’t press. She had to be thinking about the kiss, about what it meant for them moving forward. Would she bring it up? Should he bring it up? And when?

A few bites into the meal, Rey broke through the silence. “Did Kay get ahold of you yet? She told me she’d call you after looking into things.”

Ben got a piece of beef between the chopsticks, trying his hardest to use the wooden utensils. “Yeah, we talked a couple hours ago. She spoke to D’Acy and some board members, told them exactly what happened. The board didn’t seem bothered by it, but D’Acy wants to meet with me on Monday to ask me some questions. Probably put me on probation.”

Rey slammed down her chopsticks. Ben froze, the next bite halfway to his mouth. “Probation? They can’t do that!”

Ben hadn’t been expecting Rey to get that fired up over it. Then again, he’d had a few hours to get used to the prospect of probation, while this was all news to her.

Ben placed the chopsticks in the bowl. “D’Acy can. But it’s fine,” he tried assuring her. “I still have a job. Probation is more like a warning that if I do anything out of line again, then I’ll really be fired.”

“How long is the probation period for?”

“I’m not sure. She’ll probably tell me on Monday. I can’t imagine more than six months.”

“Six months?” Rey did a series of quick blinks, mouth hanging open. “Ben, I’m so sorry–”

He put his hand up to stop her. “You’ve apologized enough. And really, I’m the one who made the decision to go to the zoo, not you. None of this is your fault, you need to know that.”

“But... what if you had lost your job?”

“I got to meet you. So, it would’ve all been worth it.”

Her head jerked back. “Really?”

The sweating had started up again, mainly in the palms of Ben’s hands. “I told you I like you, and I meant it.”

Rey’s gaze was steady. “Then... why haven’t you done anything about it?” Ben’s heart stopped. “I – I held your hand and I’ve been waiting for you to make the next move or something, but you haven’t.”

 _Crap_. “I… uh… is that how it’s supposed to work?”

She shrugged with one shoulder. “I mean, usually, I think.”

Ben’s hands fell to his lap, hiding the fact they were starting to shake. “Sorry, I’ve just been… you make me nervous.”

Rey looked down at her food. “You make me nervous, too. But, I mean, I still took the initiative and kissed you.”

“I was getting to it, I swear. If you just gave me a few more seconds, I would’ve done it.”

Her eyes found his, her mouth curving into a smile. “Uh-huh. Sure. Maybe you didn’t actually want to kiss me.”

“I did!” Ben blurted out, then lowered his voice. “I do. You just keep beating me to the punch with everything.”

“Maybe you should be quicker next time,” she teased.

The hairs on Ben’s arms stood at attention, like a militia of chills marching down his spine. “Next time?”

“What? Did you think we were never going to do it again?”

“I….” His breath was getting deeper and deeper by the second. “Sorry, I’m having a hard time voicing my thoughts.” Seeing that his glass was empty, Ben stood to go fill it, giving himself a moment as he tried to get ahold of the runaway train his mind was currently on.

“Did you like it?” Rey asked. Ben stopped in front of the oven and turned around. “Me kissing you?”

“Yes,” he responded without hesitation.

Rey went to him and relieved him of the glass, putting it on the counter, eyes never leaving his. She smiled – smiled as if something good was about to happen. “Do you want to do it again?”

The anticipation was a nervous kind of energy. It tingled through Ben like sparks falling to the ground, coalescing in his toes. “Definitely,” he said breathlessly. “It’s all I’ve been thinking about. Kissing you.”

Rey came closer, the air between them thinning. With soft fingertips, she dragged them from his wrists, up his arms, and rested them on his chest. Ben’s heart beat so hard, it rivaled the entire rhythm section in a marching band. Did Rey notice? She didn’t react. She just kept staring at him with a degree of seductiveness that threatened to melt him right into the floor.

He caught how her eyes flicked to his lips. “How long?”

Entranced, he muttered, “Huh?”

“How long have you wanted to kiss me?”

“Since the moment I met you.”

Rey quirked a brow. “Is that all you want to do? Kiss?”

Ben didn’t know what to say. Of course he wanted more than a kiss, but how could he express that without sounding like a perv? Rey didn’t press him for an answer, showing him some mercy.

She went on her tiptoes and pulled him down, her lips meeting his. But just as soon as it happened, it stopped, Rey leaning away.

Something snapped in Ben he wasn’t aware he actually had, the feeling tantamount to starvation unless he got what he needed. Her mouth… how he wanted to kiss that mouth.

So he did.

It wasn’t like the close-mouthed kissed from before, nor did Ben act like the innocent little virgin he knew he was. It was a full on, open mouthed, sexual make-out session. And he loved it, the sloppiness, the teeth clashing, all of it. Wrapping his arms around her, Ben pulled her closer till her body fused with his, her hands in his hair, tugging, scratching, spurring him on.

They maneuvered to the couch, neither relenting, Rey clawing at his shoulders and back. Ben sunk back onto the sofa, Rey sitting right in his lap, the friction of her grinding making him hard in no seconds flat. She jerked her hips and they both moaned. Ben’s hands grabbed her thighs to help maintain the rhythm.

He knew he should pull away before he lost himself, but he couldn’t. In this fiery moment, his senses had been seduced and he could no longer think straight. And her perfume… god, whatever it was, it was intoxicating.

Rey moved away from his lips and went to his ear lobe, sucking with just the right amount of passion, hitching Ben’s breath. And when her mouth imprinted on his neck, he lost all rational thought. His hands cupped both her ass cheeks and moved her with a needy momentum across his lap, pressing her against his hard cock beneath his jeans.

Ben jerked as Rey’s hands pawed at the button and zipper of his pants, undoing them with impressive dexterity. Her lips went back to his ear, whispering what was next. “I want you in my mouth. Can I?”

Ben’s body went on pause-mode, unable to process all the pleasure and possibilities so fast. She glanced at him, her face so close he could count every individual eyelash. “Is it okay for me to taste you?”

Ben nodded, because… fuck, was this actually happening right now? Rey went in for a quick kiss that was both soft and hard.

Then she was scooting off of him and kneeling on the floor, fingers dipping into his waistband and tugging at his pants. Ben lifted his rear when she started struggling against his weight. On the next hard pull, she had his pants and briefs off of one leg, hanging at the ankle of the other. His cock stood at attention, balls already tight.

Rey stared at it. Just… stared. Long enough to make Ben self-conscious. For the first time in his life, he was thankful his dad had been so adamant on getting him circumcised when he was born, arguing that his mom wasn’t even close to being Orthodox.

That line of thought led to thinking about his parents… then he shoved them away, wanting to focus on Rey.

She eased his legs open, settling herself between them. Dipping her head down, she blew cool air across the shaft. Ben froze even though he wasn’t moving. A jolt went through him as she licked a long, wet stripe from the base of his cock, all the way to the tip.

Ben’s head lolled back onto the couch, the first of many moans escaping his mouth as Rey kissed and sucked at the head. With each drag, she took him in deeper, the warmth and pressure like a pleasurable cocoon of intoxication.

He peered down at her. She was watching him, eyes as deep as the galaxy and crazed with a wanton desire. All his groans, twitches, bites at his lip, she was seeing it all – the vulnerability. But as Rey brought her hand around the base of his cock, moving it in tandem with her mouth, twisting, fondling his balls with the other, she did so with an exchange of gentleness. Like she wanted this to be more than just base needs, her energy soaring into his own, creating something intimate and special.

Placing his hands gently on her head, Ben made sure not to press down. He just wanted to touch her, his fingers running over her cheeks, stringing through her hair.

The pressure at the base of his spine kept building, Rey staying with the pace she had set. He tried warning her, telling her he was about to come. But she persisted, suctioning tighter, hollowing out her cheeks, spit dripping across her hand.

He switched his grip to the couch, mind whiting out, a slave to the pleasure of his body. Hips flexing upward, legs straightening and thighs tensing, he came in long spurts, grunting like an animal possessed by instinct.

Rey took long drags, pulling, milking and giving him aftershocks. Ben breathed deep. In. Out. Within a split second, he was back in reality, like he never left. When it was all getting to the point of being too much, too sensitive, she let go of him with a pop.

He gazed at her flushed face, disheveled hair, and the way she licked at her mouth, as if she were enjoying the last remnants of ice cream on her lips.

There was hot, and then there was the surface of the sun hot. Rey had somehow surpassed both.

She ran her hands up and down his bare thighs, massaging with her thumbs. “How was that? Was it okay?”

Ben had to recall how to form words. “That was way better than okay. I… yeah, I… shit, I have no idea what to say. Incredible. Thank you.”

Rey glanced away nervously. “I was, uh... nervous you weren’t going to enjoy it.”

“Why?”

“I’ve been told in the past that my blowjob skills leave something to be desired.”

“Whoever told you that is clearly delusional.” Ben touched her face with a hand that trembled. “You’re so beautiful.” Rey turned her lips to his palm and kissed him. “I want to make you feel good, too… if you’ll let me.”

He could envision it so clearly: her lying naked on his bed, rear at the edge, him kneeling before her. He’d slide his hands up to her knees and spread her wide open and dip down with his head. After he got her good and wet with his mouth, he would slide his fingers inside of her, working in tandem to bring about her climax.

Problem was, he’d never gone down on a woman before. He wasn’t exactly sure what to do. Porn could only take you so far when it came to real life logistics. But he figured if he could eat a Popsicle, the sucking and licking would translate sufficiently enough.

As would the gentle nipping and biting.

 _Fuck_. Give him a minute, and he was going to be hard again.

Something suddenly changed in Rey as she flinched away from him, the whites of her eyes showing. “I need to use the restroom.” She rushed out of the room before Ben could utter a single word.

Pants still around the one ankle, Ben dragged them across the floor as he hurried to the hallway, seeing Rey disappear into his bedroom.

What just happened?

Every cell in Ben’s body wanted to go to her, but he didn’t want to come across as overbearing. Rey didn’t like that. At least, that’s what he could gather from her personality. Maybe she needed some privacy to handle a feminine hygiene emergency? Maybe she was on her period?

Ben pulled his jeans back on, reluctantly turning away.

Waiting for her, he cleared off the table and put the leftovers in the fridge. Then he wiped down the oak surface. The countertops. The couch where he’d been sitting and even took a swipe at the baseboards. Noticing that BB was asleep, he moved about as quietly as possible, not wanting to wake him.

When Ben finally made himself stop with the distractive polishing, he leaned against the kitchen island, eyes glued to the corridor, fingers tapping against the marble.

Something was going on. She’d been in there way longer than he thought necessary.

Before he put much thought behind it, Ben whipped out his phone and shot Finn a text.

**To Finn:**

_Say you had a girl over and everything was going great and you guys made out and she ended up giving you a blowjob only to run away and lock herself in the bathroom. What would your next plan of action be?_

Ben sent it, then added:

_Asking for a close friend._

He bit at his thumbnail as he waited for the message to be read. The receipt appeared. Three seconds later, Finn was calling.

Finn began talking the second Ben answered. “Dude, I’m your closest friend. And what the fuck is going on?”

Ben summarized the events in the most respectful way he could, knowing that talking about the private sexual details of your love life was a betrayal of trust against the person you had shared them with. But he really had no clue how to handle Rey’s drastic change in mood.

“And you didn’t, like, force her to do anything… right?”

“No!” Ben harshly whispered. “She basically jumped me.” To which he wasn’t complaining.

“You sure?”

“Yes… pretty sure…” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “God, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I thought I was being respectful. I let her make all the decisions. I don’t think I touched her inappropriately.”

“How long has she been in there?” Finn asked.

Ben looked at the time on his phone. “Close to thirty minutes.”

“Thirty minutes?! And you haven’t checked on her?”

“I mean, she’s a very independent person.” Ben ran a shaky hand through his hair. “I didn’t know if I would be, like, you know, encroaching on her privacy or something. Should I go check on her?”

“Yes!” Rose’s voice cut through, almost bursting his eardrum. “I don’t care if she’s Miss. Independent, get your ass over there and check on her. My god, Ben.”

He sighed. “Hey, Rose.”

“Sorry,” Finn said. “You’re on speaker. Now be a good little boyfriend and go see if she’s all right.”

“I’m not her–”

But Finn had already hung up.

“Shit,” Ben mumbled out loud. He pocketed the phone and made his way over to his room, that one word Finn had used rolling around in his head.

Boyfriend. He would like to call himself Rey’s boyfriend. He would like that very much.

Ben made a quick pros and cons list of dating him. Pro: the dating part. Con: Him. Obviously. It had taken him thirty minutes to get his butt standing in front of his closed bathroom door, leaving the girl he cared about alone and most likely having some sort of crisis. And he only started moving after Finn and Rose berated him.

So far, he’d wager he wasn’t off to a great start when it came to being boyfriend material.

()()()()()

Ben’s place had three bedrooms, a laundry room next to a spare bathroom, hell, even a front door. And yet, Rey had locked herself in his bedroom’s en-suite. It smelled like him – the floral fragrance of shampoo, the hint of disinfectant, and the scent of his cum on her breath and lips. The aroma’s fought for her attention. It was dizzying.

Rey found some mouthwash below the sink, filling her mouth and gurgling like she could wash away what she had just done. But images of Ben moaning, losing himself, caressing her cheek – god, she didn’t want to forget. How could a man be so beautiful?

Thoughts accelerated in Rey’s head, the engine of guilt roaring to life and speeding down the runway of awareness. She’d told herself to take it slow, that being too sexual too fast would complicate things. Ruin it. Not give enough room for a firm foundation.

Because she wanted a relationship with Ben. She wanted comfort and stability and for someone to understand her nerdy references and watch sci-fi shows with her. Maybe even attend Comic Con together, cosplaying as Star Trek characters or wearing Fallout costumes. She wanted something deep and real and comforting.

Rey felt the panic begin like a cluster of spark plugs in her abdomen. Tension grew in her face and limbs, her grip on the counter tightening till white-knuckled.

When had she started with the water works? Wiping the moisture from her cheeks, she worked on her breathing, trying to calm the sharp inhales and exhales. She sat on the tiled floor, realizing that her underwear was severely damp... because hello, sucking Ben off had been a major turn on. She’d never really been into blowjobs, and usually didn’t swallow because she couldn’t get past the texture. But with Ben, she looked beyond all that, too excited watching him react to how she drank every last drop.

And that dick deserved to be worshiped on an altar. The size and girth –

“Stop it,” Rey quietly reprimanded herself. “Stop being such”–she hiccupped–“a fucking pervert.”

Stripping off her pants and underwear, she got a wad of toilet paper and wiped herself dry. It was almost like she peed herself, for fuck sake. She’d never got this wet for a man before in her life.

Knees bent up to her chest, Rey fanned her nether region with both hands, head resting against the wall as her eyes remained up on the ceiling. At least she could breathe through her nose again.

Gold star to her cooperative nasal passage. Her lady parts needed a time out, though.

Rey stayed in that same position for who knows how long. Her phone was in her purse, and there was no sign of a clock.

A soft knock came at the door. “Rey? Are you okay?” Ben gently asked.

Rey cleared her throat, trying to sound casual. “Just a minute.” She missed the mark. Her voice was far too strained and rocky.

The underwear was a goner. No way in hell she was wearing something that soaked and pungent with arousal. Commando was just gonna have to do.

She hid the thin black fabric under Ben’s sink, shoving it all the way in the back behind some bottles of shampoo and conditioner.

In the mirror, her skin was splotchy and eyes swollen. Nothing was salvageable. She would have to let Ben see her like this. After BB almost died, Rey had told herself she wouldn’t become a mess in front of him again. She already broke one of her rules tonight, though. What’s another?

She opened the door. Ben was sitting on the edge of his bed, facing the bathroom. Yeah… from the way he stared at her, she must not look all that great.

“I’m sorry,” she blurted out. “I – I shouldn’t have forced myself on you.”

Ben sprang to his feet, going to her. “You didn’t–”

“I told myself I’d take it slow so we could build something real and now I’ve ruined it.” She couldn’t look at him. Not when he was standing so close. “You – you’re probably wondering what kind of person I am for giving you a blow job after only knowing you for a week, and I wouldn’t blame you. I – I never do stuff like this. I swear.” Her eyes stung, those damn tears threatening a comeback.

Ben carefully placed his hands on her shoulders, trying to get in her line of sight. “Rey, you’ve done nothing wrong. Nothing’s ruined. And why do you feel like you need to keep telling me that you never do stuff like this?”

She wiped at her cheeks and nose. “You... don’t think I’m easy? Or, like, a slut?”

“No. God, no. Absolutely not. I don’t think any less of you and I don’t want you thinking that about yourself either. Okay?” His tone softened. “I don’t know about you, but it wasn’t just about us being physical – there was an intimacy to it that I liked sharing with you. It was special. You’re special.”

She peered up at him. “I’m special?” Or was he just saying that because she gave him head?

 _Ben isn’t like that_ , she told herself.

He took her hand, guiding her to the bed. “And amazing. And smart. And beautiful and sexy and cute.” As they sat down, he enveloped her small hand in both of his. “And now I’m worried that Armitage calling you a whore affected you more than you thought.”

Fuck, she really hated that ginger weasel for getting inside her head. For bringing up past insecurities she thought she’d gotten over a long time ago.

Ben continued. “Because you’re not any of the things he said you were. Don’t even give that asshole a second thought. He doesn’t deserve it. And nothing between us has changed. Okay? And if something were wrong – which there isn’t – but if something were, I’d fix it, because I wouldn’t let anything ruin what we have so far.”

In that moment, as Rey looked into his imploring brown eyes, she honestly believed he could fix the whole wide world if it meant everything could be fine between them. The wave of relief that washed over her was as if someone had tucked a warm blanket around her tense body, washing away her worries and doubts. Whether it was the fact that he was being so damn kind to her or that being near him eased her in ways that didn’t entirely make sense, she didn’t really know. Whatever it was, she’d take the alleviation where she could find it.

Rey’s stare dropped to the floor. “So… what does this mean for us? Are we, like, dating?”

“I’d say so, yes.”

“Are you”–Rey swallowed hard–“my boyfriend, then?”

There was a pause. Ben hooked a forefinger under Rey’s chin and brought her face around. “Do you want me to be your boyfriend?”

“Wouldn’t it be a little quick to get into a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of relationship?”

Ben dropped his hand back to holding hers. “I wouldn’t know. I’ve never been in a relationship before.”

A cross between a chuckle and a snort came out of Rey’s mouth. “Uh-huh. Sure you haven’t.”

He swallowed as a flush crept across his cheeks. “No. Really, I haven’t.”

Her hazel eyes studied him intently as though she was looking for some type of tell in his expression. There wasn’t any. “Wait…. You aren’t kidding?”

He shook his head. “Nope.”

“That can’t be possible.” Because Ben did not come off as the type of person who had hookups or one night stands. Rey had done it a few times, and all those guys were total dude-bros who jack rabbit fucked her for two minutes and then went as limp as a dead fish on top of her. Didn’t even ask to get her off afterward. They just used her.

But Ben wouldn’t use women like that. Or maybe he’d been different in his twenties? Acted more like a wanker, rather than the gentleman he was now? Either way, Rey was quite confused by his admission.

“Women aren’t all that interested in me,” he said quietly. There was a degree of hurt in that statement, in his face.

Rey scooted closer to him. “Now that just isn’t true.”

Ben chuckled in an ironic sort of way. “You’re really having a hard time believing I’ve never been in a relationship, aren’t you?”

“Well… yeah. Have you looked at yourself?”

“Kinda hard not to.”

No, this just wouldn’t do. He had to know; he had to understand just how much of a catch he was.

“I mean”–Rey’s eyes scanned across his body–“your arms are bigger than all my hopes and dreams combined. And your height and hair… like, women's ovaries have probably exploded over those. Do you really not see how attractive you are? Ben… forgive me for being blunt here, but you’re basically sex on a stick. And to top it all off, you’re a kind and considerate person. You’re the package deal.”

He glanced away from her, as if the compliments were too overwhelming. “Umm… Wow, I’m flattered. Really.”

“But you don’t see it, do you?”

Their eyes met and clung. “No. But it’s, uh, nice to know you think I’m attractive.”

 _Goddamnit_. For a moment, Rey thought she had gotten through to him.

Ben drew a hand through his outrageously perfect hair. “So yeah, about the whole relationship thing, I really have nothing to compare this to. What about you?”

Guess Rey would have to revisit this whole you’re-attractive-and-you-should-just-believe-me thing at a later date.

“My longest relationship was five weeks. Hardly makes me an expert when it comes to this sort of stuff.”

“You’re still more experienced than I am. How about we just do what you want?”

“Oh, we most definitely should not do what I want,” Rey emphasized.

_Horrible, horrible idea._

“Why not?”

“As we’ve just seen, I have close to no self-control.”

Ben stared down at her for a long moment, the words he spoke coming out in a gutturally low timbre. “Why does it have to be such a bad thing... that we’re attracted to each other? That we want to be intimate?” He reached up and brushed her lower lip with his thumb.

“Because…” Rey gulped. _Focus_. “What if those experiences cloud our judgment and make us think we have a strong relationship, but it all turns out to be based on lust and attraction?” His touch fell away, and it tore at her that he didn’t hide the sadness so evident on his face. “Those feelings fade with time, and when it does, one of us is going to end up heart broken and in therapy.”

_Most likely me._

“Okay,” he breathed out. “I – I think I understand what you’re saying.” He chewed at his lip, mulling over her reasoning. “So how about this: we take it slow, like you said, and just… what’s the word people use? Keep it casual? Like, we still spend time together, get to know each other more, but nothing physical. No labels.”

The ‘nothing physical’ part stung her more than a vampire catching a glimpse of midday sun.

“But... I like kissing you,” she confessed. “I like being close to you.”

A shadow of a smile swept over Ben’s lips. “I like being close to you, too.”

Rey sighed. “And casual sounds so vague and open.” She threw her hands up, exasperated. “I don’t know. What’s the protocol here? Seriously dating after only knowing each other for a week will seem really fast to some people.”

“I don’t care about other people. Only you.” The room fell into silence. How was Rey supposed to respond to that? Ben had told her he wasn’t very good with expressing himself, but damn, the guy sure knew what to say to make her swoon.

Worried, he placed a hand on her back. “Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?” _How about a fucking head transplant?_ “I can run out and get something.”

As Rey looked at Ben, taking in his caring eyes, long nose, slanted mouth and pointed chin, one thought circulated through her mind: Why hold back? There were people who spent entire lifetimes with each other and never got close to feeling a sliver of what Rey felt for Ben. Then there were people who missed their chance, thinking they had more time, another possibility.

But time wasn’t guaranteed, and Rey didn’t want any other options.

What she wanted – no, what she _needed_ was to go on a two-hundred-and-seventy-pound diet called Ben Solo.

“You know what?” Rey started nodding her head, having locked into a decision. “Let’s do this.”

Ben perked up. “Really?”

“Yep. You’re my boyfriend, I’m your girlfriend, and we’re exclusively dating. Fighting this just seems like a huge waste of time, and you only live once... right? Who cares what other people think. Fuck them.”

The shock on Ben’s face gradually morphed into something else, something predatory. He leaned in, eyes darkening. “I’d rather fuck you.”

Talk about confidence.

As Rey’s eyes flared at his statement, she couldn’t hold back from going in for a kiss. He groaned and took the lead, working those soft, soft lips of his and stroking her mouth till she could no longer think straight. When his tongue licked at her, she sucked it in on instinct. Ben surged against her, pinning her to the bed under his massive frame.

The kissing went on and on, no end in sight, her fingers digging into his back, the sensations of the sucking and rasping and thrusting all bleeding into one overwhelming experience. She could feel Ben’s hard cock at her core as he moved against her, finding friction. Warmth pooled between her thighs… and then Rey remembered that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.

The push on Ben’s chest was minuscule, but he felt it nonetheless. He stopped his movements, and angled his chin so he was right at her ear. “You don’t want to be in control of this, but you are. You can fuck me whenever you want, however you want. Just know that I’ll never stop you.”

Rey shivered, her eyes rolling to the back of her head.

Ben dragged his mouth along the curvature of her jaw, planted a featherlight kiss to her mouth and drew back, gazing down at her. His obsidian hair fell in tousled locks, their labored breaths intermingling.

Rey wondered how it was possible that he exuded pure male sex, while also having eyes that were impossibly kind.

He stroked her cheek with his knuckles. “You’re so beautiful, never doubt that. So beautiful.”

Rey exhaled on a shudder. So this was what being cherished felt like. It was… lovely.

“Can you hold me for a little while?” she asked, barely above a whisper.

His chest rose and fell against her back as she melted into him, her head resting on his bicep. His warmth seeped into her breathing, comforting her without uttering a single word. She belonged right there with him, and him with her. It was providence. It was scripture.

Rey knew that from then on, each time they would have to part, the ache to constantly be in Ben’s arms was something she’d have to cope with.

But to live was to feel loved, and if that came with aches and pains along the way, then so be it. At this point, only an act of God could separate them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I the only one who cleans when stressed? Because I do! Anyway, we got some smut action going on! I know, I know, they haven't actually done the deed. Patience! It will happen. Ben is on board with having sex, while Rey is trying to control herself. But really, how long can that last? Girl has already seen the goods. ;)
> 
> Also, how about that teaser trailer for episode 9? And the title is The Rise of Skywalker! I'm, like, deceased. I would love for the title to be referring Ben, but it might just be referencing his family name as a whole. C'mon JJ, make Bendemption happen! I've seen theories that the opening sequence is of Rey and Ben training or he's coming to get her because her friends are in trouble and she needs a hasty ride. I don't know what to think. Could be a misdirect, or Ben could actually be that extra and trying to run her down with the ship instead of firing upon her. Then again, it is rather dumb on his part to get close to her when her lightsaber is on. But why have her lightsaber on if they are training or he is trying to help her? Idk. Girl looks like she is about to cut off part of the wing. And the clip of Adam Driver throttling that tribal guy to the ground? Someone call an ambulance, because I'm dead. I am seeing his play Burn This the first week of May and it cannot come fast enough. You all know I'm gonna stage door and meet this man and get his autograph.
> 
> Anyway, sorry for geeking out on you all. I'm just so pumped for this movie! What did you all think of the teaser and title drop? It's going to be a long nine months waiting for this movie to come out, let me tell you. But at least we have fanfic to keep us occupied!


	11. Would You Ever Leave Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey meets Finn and Rose, Ben still struggles with self-confidence, and the physical side of their relationship heats up another level.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments you guys! I meant to post this on Sunday, but I couldn't get to it. Had to wake up very early in the morning to get on my flight to New York and I'll be here for a week. I have a little bit of time before I should go to bed, so I thought I'd get this chapter up. And guess what I did tonight? I saw Burn This from the second row, got to see Adam Driver up close, and met him at the stage door after. It was GLORIOUS! My goodness, I'm still freaking out about it. Anyway, thank you for your patience and I hope you enjoy the chapter!

Gazing straight ahead, only semi-aware of the world outside of the tight comfort of the Rey’s truck, Ben kept zeroing in on how quiet Rey had become as she sat in the passenger seat. Since he was the one driving, Ben didn’t have many opportunities to really give her body language a deep assessment. The short glances at red lights allowed him pick up on the bare minimum. Like how she kept playing with that ring on her middle finger, the way her jaw was set and locked, head turned towards the window.

“Nervous?” he asked, voice carrying over the soft background noise of the radio.

“Huh?” Rey blinked, snapping out of her thoughts. “Oh… no. I’m good.”

“Really? Cause you’re twisting that ring on your finger so hard, you might pop it clean off its socket.”

Rey’s hands froze. She slid them under her thighs, sitting on them, removing the temptation to keep fidgeting.

Ben found an opening in oncoming traffic and turned left. “We don’t have to go over there if you don’t want to. I know it’s only been two days since we made anything official. You probably want to do something else on a Sunday.”

Hopefully with him, of course.

“But Finn and Rose are really important to you, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Then I should meet them. I mean, I will eventually anyway. Why not now?”

Ben reached over and pulled gently at her arm so he could hold her hand. “They’re really excited to meet you, if that helps. And Rose’s sister is watching their kids at her house so you won’t be bombarded by a whole ton of crazy at once. It’s just the adults today.” She held his hand between both of hers, idly caressing his skin with her thumbs. “And thanks,” he added, “for letting me use your truck today.”

“I could’ve picked you up so you didn’t have to ride your bike to my place.”

Ben shrugged his indifference, stopping behind a minivan at a red light and swinging his gaze to her. “It’s okay. I’m the one taking you to meet my friends. I feel like I should be the one to drive us there.”

Rey leaned against the armrest between them, a playful smirk forming on her lips. “You know this could all be easily solved by getting a vehicle of your own. Mr. Rich boy like you could buy whatever he wanted.”

She could’ve brought up the fact that if he just reconciled with his parents, he could go back to using his dad’s car. But she didn’t. And he was grateful.

“Maybe I can get one of those big diesel trucks with huge tires and truck nuts hanging under the bumper,” he said in jest.

Ben wasn’t expecting her to suddenly get excited over the idea. “No, you know what would be even better? Get two eight-inch wide screw nuts, string them together with a metal rod, and attach it to the hitch. Then you’d have literal truck nuts.”

Her grin was like she’d just come up with the most brilliantly clever idea in the whole entire Universe. It was adorable, seeing those dimples shine through.

From his periphery, the SUV started moving. Ben went back to looking straight ahead, gradually accelerating. “I was expecting your reaction to be more along the lines of “If you do that, I’ll break up with you.””

“Oh, we’d be over.” She sat back in her seat. “No question. I’ve dated my fair share of douchebags and don’t want to deal with that anymore… even if the guy is loaded with money.”

“Good to know you aren’t just dating me for the size of my bank account,” he mumbled sarcastically.

“Just for the size of… other things.”

Ben gasped, feigning offense. “Are you objectifying me right now?”

“And you love it.”

He brought the back of her hand to his lips, placing a kiss on her soft skin. “Only when it’s from you.”

They fell back into silence, remaining hand in hand. Some type of pop or rap song was on the radio, but it was all just noise to Ben at this point. He never really got into whatever the kids were listening to these days. God, when did he get old? In a lot of aspects, he still felt like a teenager. Before he knew it, he’ll be forty. Would he be married and have kids by then? Is that where Rey and his relationship would lead?

“So… why exactly are they wanting us to come over at three?” Rey asked, pulling him from his thoughts. “Seems a bit early.”

“Not entirely sure. Finn was being an ass and wouldn’t give me a straight answer. I just know he’s ordering food and then, and I quote “We’ll see where the evening takes us.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? Are your friends, like, swingers or something?”

“God, no.” Ben said quickly, both of them laughing. “Finn is a good little Catholic boy.”

“As far as you know,” she chided. “Even the people closest to you can have secrets.”

One: Even thinking of Finn with a lifestyle like that made Ben want to take his brain out and beat it against the dashboard. Two: Rey had no idea how fitting that statement was when it pertained to him and their relationship.

He rounded his jaw, doing a one-shoulder shrug of unease. “He’s probably just going to show you some pictures of me from when we were younger. I wouldn’t put it past him to try and embarrass me in some way tonight.”

Fingers crossed Finn wouldn’t.

“Awww…” Rey’s thumb caressed his cheek in one quick stroke. “I would love to see what young, little Ben looked like. I bet you were an absolute cutie.”

He turned onto Finn’s street. “If big ears and a gangly frame is your definition of cute, then sure.”

She gave his shoulder a swat. “You know I don’t like it when you talk down about yourself. And everyone looked awkward growing up, Ben. It’s a phase we all go through. I had braces for two years when I was thirteen and the kids at school called me Darla from _Finding Nemo_. It was so bad, even the teachers thought that was my real name. I mean, sure, I have a huge smile like the cartoon, but I never wore pigtails or had all that intense head gear.”

Ben glanced over at her, imagining a small Rey with braces. Now that would be the definition of cute; not him. “I love your smile. It’s one of the most beautiful things about you.”

Rey’s little grin was that of a shy one. “Thank you. But the point I’m trying to make is that we all went through the horrors of puberty and we shouldn’t be ashamed of it anymore. I mean, look how far we’ve come on the attractive scale.”

Ben slowed the truck, parking it in front of Finn and Rose’s house. “I went from a one to a two, and you went from a nine to a ten.”

“No way you’re a two.”

“What would you rate me, then? From one to ten?”

“Hmm….” She pursed her lips, thinking. The smile that spanned over her mouth was slow and sultry. “Sixty-nine.”

Ben rolled his eyes. “Your immaturity knows no bounds.”

He went to open the car door, but Rey wouldn’t let go of his hand. “Before we go inside,” she said, “I want to hear you say one positive thing about yourself.”

Ben laughed. But when all she did was gaze at him expectantly, the laughter dissolved into silence and confusion. “Are you…. you’re joking, right?”

“Nope. And I’m not getting out of this car until you do.”

A line formed between Ben’s brows. Rey was being serious. “But Finn and Rose-“

“Can wait. Pick something, anything that you like about yourself. Just has to be a physical attribute. Go.”

Mouth floundering from being put on the spot, he had to take a moment to think. “Um… okay. I guess…” His mind came up with a whole lot of nothing. Wasn’t that just pathetic. “I don’t know. I’ve never really liked how I look, to be honest.”

Rey gave his hand a little squeeze. “What about all the exercising you do? You’re in great shape.”

“I know that. I do. But…” He swallowed, throat tight, voice fragile. “Honestly? When I look at myself, all l see is that skinny, awkward looking kid I was while growing up.”

Rey winced, timbre dropping. “I know it’s hard to see yourself as anything other than what you were when you felt the most insecure,” she said, validating his feelings. “It can be really difficult to get out of that headspace.”

She could’ve called him ridiculous, noting the obvious weight on his frame. Anyone else would have – like his parents. But Rey actually understood, making him feel… safe.

“I may not think of myself as good looking, but hey, at least I’m vaccinated,” Ben joked, trying to bring some levity to the thick atmosphere.

It got a chuckle out of Rey. “I think you and I like to hide behind humor when we’re uncomfortable.”

“It’s a good coping mechanism.”

“And a good way to deflect answering a question. But I don’t let things go very easily.”

“I am quickly realizing that about you.”

“How about we start with something more basic, then? Like... what does your body do for you?”

 _It has tried to kill me_ , Ben thought to himself. But he didn’t dare voice that out loud.

If Rey wanted a basic answer, he’d give her one. “Well, it holds all my organs in place.”

Her stare turned smug. She ran her fingers through his black hair, nails scratching against his scalp. He shivered. “It also allows you to grow a great head of hair.”

Oh. Right. Why didn’t he think of that one? “I do like my hair,” he admitted. His high-end hair products were a testament to that fact.

“That’s a start.” Rey gave him a quick peck on the lips. “But I want you to keep thinking about what you like about yourself, cause I’m not going to stop bringing it up.”

Rey exited the truck, leaving Ben flabbergasted. When she opened the back door to grab BB and the doggy bed, he said, “Wait... this wasn’t a one time thing?”

“Nope.” She shut the door, smiling at him through the window.

Ben quickly got out and joined her on the sidewalk, taking BB from her. She looped her arm through his as they walked up the flower-lined pathway. “Loving yourself is a process, Ben. I went through it in my twenties. Somehow you seem to have skipped over it all together. But not anymore. Think of me as your confidence coach.”

“But I’ve accepted myself for what I look like already.”

“And what do you think you look like?”

They came to a stop on the porch. “Odd and weird,” he answered offhandedly.

With sure hands, she brought him down for a long kiss. When they broke away, she spoke with such conviction that Ben almost believed her. “You aren’t any of those things.”

The door opened. Finn and Rose were standing in the entrance, big grins plastered on their faces. “Did you get your make out session out of the way?” Finn asked.

“We weren’t–” Ben stopped, noticing that Finn was only teasing them. “Finn, Rose, this is Rey, my–”

“Girlfriend,” Rose finished for him. Then kept going. “Significant other. The Juliet to your Romeo. Your one phone call if you were to ever be arrested.”

“Please stop,” Ben muttered.

Rose held out her hand, giving Rey a polite handshake. “It’s very nice to meet you, Rey. Come in, come in.” They were corralled into the front room, Rey glancing around at the pictures on the walls and the piano in the corner. Ben noted how immaculately clean it all was, like they’d been expecting the Pope or something.

“You’re all Ben talks about these days,” Rose continued, way too chipper. “Rey this and Rey that. We were beginning to believe the world stopped and started with you.”

_Oh. My. God._

And here Ben was, expecting Rose and Finn to be better at meeting Rey than his parents had been. But _noooooo_. He foolishly overlooked the fact that his friends took too much delight in humiliating him whenever the opportunity presented itself.

With such an oversight, he deserved to dig his own grave.

Rey giggled. “Oh, well, I assure you it doesn’t.”

“It does for Ben, though.” Rose winked. She fucking winked.

“Hey, Rose,” Ben said, “could you grab me a knife?” They all looked at him, confused. “It shouldn’t be too hard to find. It’s the one you lodged into my back.”

“I’m just making conversation, Ben. No need for the dramatics.” Rose got closer to Rey, mumbling, “He gets it from his mother.”

Rey smiled, looking unsure on how to react. Ben didn’t blame her. Rose was making everything unbearably awkward.

Finn started petting BB, working around the cone at the dog’s neck. “I’m, um…” Rey started saying nervously, “sorry for having to bring BB. He still needs a lot of supervision–”

“It’s totally fine.” Rose waved off Rey’s concern. “Ben told us about the accident. BB can do his business in the backyard, just watch out for all the toys.”

“Wouldn’t want you to roll your ankle,” Finn tacked on, then asked, “Do you like Monopoly, Rey?”

“Oh. Uh…”

“That takes, like, six hours to play,” Ben grumbled.

“Hence why I told you to come over after lunch.”

The next handful of hours would either pass by Ben’s life as a blip, a pleasant enough memory, or it would be hazardous to the still very new and fragile relationship he had built with Rey thus far.

Shit. What has he gotten them into?

()()()()()

Ushering everyone to the dining room table, Rey and Ben sat next to each other, scooting the chairs close together. BB whined and pawed at Ben till he put him on his lap, not seeming to mind.

Finn got situated across from them with the game. Rey noticed how he kept observing her and Ben, probably spotting all the different ways Ben touched her: pushing back a strand of hair from her face, touching elbows with her on the table, swinging his arm over the back of her shoulders. Rey didn’t mind; she quite preferred being close to him. It was just weird knowing someone was paying attention to the way Ben was being affectionate with her.

Rose went to the kitchen, bringing each one of them a glass of red wine, water, and a large bowl filled with popcorn to snack on before the takeout arrived. As Finn flattened out the game board, Rey eyed the funny looking man on the front of the Monopoly box. His appearance was strikingly similar to the guy from KFC, just switch out the white suit for a black one and it was a carbon copy.

Now Rey had a strong craving for some fried chicken.

Rose was making light conversation, explaining how it was a tradition of theirs to get together at least once a week to play games. Jokes about Monopoly were exchanged that Rey didn’t quite understand, warmth spreading through her body from feeling out of her element.

“So,” Rey spoke up once she found an opening. “What would happen if I said I’ve never played Monopoly?”

You’d think from their reaction, she just told them she was a Trump supporter or something.

“You’ve never played Monopoly?” Rose asked. “Really?”

Rey’s voice took a nosedive into insecure territory. “I’ve never really played any board games, actually.” Give her an Xbox and an MMORPG and she’d feel right at home. She’d even take a Gameboy at this point.

Finn’s expression was brought down to a mild shock. “What about card games?”

Rey shook her head. Ben’s hand found hers beneath the table, his touch helping to somewhat calm her nerves.

“Charades?”

“Nope.”

“Pictionary?”

“I don’t know what that is. Does it have to do with pictures?”

“What about–”

“Not everyone plays board or group games incessantly like you guys do,” Ben interjected, not even hiding his annoyance with them. “And that’s okay. Stop bombarding her with twenty questions.”

She noticed the look Finn and Rose exchanged, but couldn’t decipher it. Were they really that surprised by her lack of Monopoly experience? Or was it Ben’s clipping tone that shocked them?

“Well, you’re in for a surprise.” Finn said. “Monopoly is like a litmus test for relationships: If it can survive through this, it can survive through anything.”

Ben gave Finn a flat stare. “We just started dating.”

Finn continued setting up the game, shrugging off Ben’s concern. “All the more reason to get this out of the way in the beginning so you don’t waste your time on something that’s just going to fall apart later.”

As she measured Ben’s tight brow, she thought it remarkable that his friends didn’t seem to be intimidated by it. Then again, Finn had known him for years and Rose had become a bit too preoccupied with her wine and popcorn. Maybe they could sense when Ben was closer to snapping out of frustration better than she could.

“I think we should play something else,” Ben pressed through clenched teeth.

“No, it’s fine.” Rey undid her hand from his and placed it on the part of his thigh that wasn’t occupied by BB. “We can try this out.” Besides, she highly doubted that a simple board game could truly ruin interpersonal relationships. And she didn’t want to make a bad first impression on his friends.

“See?” Finn waved his hand in her direction. “Rey agrees that this is a great social experiment.”

“That’s not what she said,” Ben grumbled.

Finn kept ignoring Ben’s souring mood. “Because my kids get into literally everything, the only pieces left are the iron, lantern, thimble and top hat. We use little chess pieces for the–” As he laid out the pieces, Ben’s long arm stretched across the table, going for one of them. Finn tried swiping them out of his reach, but was too slow.

“Oh, c’mon,” Rose groaned through a mouthful of popcorn.

Finn plopped down onto his chair. “You’re always the top hat.”

Ben held the little metal piece in the palm of his hand. “Gotta be faster next time.”

Rey wasn’t sure what was so special about that particular piece. Did it give the player an advantage? Bonus points? Immunity of some kind? Seeing how Ben was quick to grab one of the tokens, Rey did the same.

Again, shocked expressions were shared all around. Rey hadn’t even started playing yet and she was already over Monopoly. She was quickly regretting not backing Ben up when he voiced about finding a different game.

“You’re gonna use the thimble?” Ben carefully asked.

She inspected the piece, confused. There didn’t seem to be anything wrong with it. “Is that not allowed?”

“No, it’s just…” Ben hesitated, then plucked the thimble out of her hand and replaced it with his own. “Lets trade.”

Finn whistled in amazement, sitting back to eye the two of them. “Whoa. Things must be serious between you two if Ben’s willing to play the thimble and give you the top hat.”

“Aren’t they just pieces to play with?” Rey queried.

“The thimble is cursed,” Rose explained, swishing around the wine in her glass. “Those who play it never win.”

“Really?”

“No,” Ben contested, though half-heartedly. “It’s just a silly superstition.”

“Oh, really?” Finn challenged as he organized the fake paper money. “Why were you so quick to snag the top hat, then?”

Ben didn’t say anything, so Rey made a guess. “Because it’s the luckiest piece in the pile?”

Finn pointed a set of finger guns at her. “Bingo.” Now there’s a simple game Rey had played before. “So imagine how surprised I am that Ben let you have it. I don’t know if you’ve figured this out yet, but he can get quite competitive.”

Ben picked up a sleeping BB from his lap, putting the dog on the little bed at the base of his chair. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to win, but I’m not going to be an asshole about it. It’s Rey’s first time playing; she should be the top hat.”

Rey brushed her hand along Ben’s thigh, heart fluttering. “You’d sacrifice winning just for me?”

“You’re more important than a game.” Ben nudged her softly with his shoulder. “And I want you to have fun.”

She looked down, too bashful to keep looking at those open, brown eyes. “Thanks.”

Finn cleared his throat, catching their attention before giving an overview of the rules.

Once the game was in full swing, Rey realized that Finn hadn’t been kidding when it came to how cut throat Monopoly could be. As soon as Finn volunteered as banker, Ben warned her to keep an eye on him in case he tried to embezzle money.

“I cheated that one time.” Finn held up a finger. “One. Time. And we were thirteen.”

“Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

“I thought that referred to infidelity?”

“And Monopoly.”

Finn’s frustration emphasized every word. “Dude, I’m not going to cheat.”

Ben’s smirk stretched so wide he looked like a rude caricature of the Cheshire Cat, so sure of himself. “Uh-huh. That’s what cheaters always say.”

But Finn wasn’t the problem. Turned out Rose liked to be sneaky:

With his pointer finger, Ben counted the squares on the board. “You moved seven spaces, Rose, not six. You landed on Boardwalk and owe $2,000. Stop cheating. We see you. We ALL see you.”

“But you own the entire Boardwalk!”

Ben held up the lid to the box, gliding his hand beneath the title as he said, “Monopoly, Rose. That’s the fucking name of the game.”

Few turns later, Ben even added, “I’m not saying you’re low class, Rose, but the only thing you own is Mediterranean Avenue. So….”

Then there was the heated exchange with Finn:

“You two”–Finn waved his hand between Rey and Ben–“stop bailing each other out! Stop selling Rey all your properties for cheap! You can’t write each other IOU’s. No alliances!”

“She’s never played before,” Ben argued.

“No mercy.”

“This isn’t Mortal Kombat!”

And that wasn’t the only time Ben tried to help her:

Finn searched through the rulebook with a speedy craze. “You can’t auction off properties for cheap if Rey lands on it and doesn’t want to buy it. No one plays that way, Ben. House rules says NOPE.”

Just when Rey thought the hostility between Ben and Rose was over, it started up again:

“Wait a minute…” Ben’s keen eyes darted across the board. He quickly counted his money. “Rose, I don’t think you paid me rent last turn.”

Rose tensed. “Not my fault you weren’t paying attention.”

“I was in the bathroom!”

“Your small bladder is not my problem.”

Black eyebrows crashed down. “Christ, Rose, just pay me my money!”

And Rey got to see just how scary Rose could be when Ben bankrupted her:

“There are consequences for booting me out of the game, Ben.” A dark shadow had sunk into Rose’s eyes, her voice provoking a chill through those who listened. “You won’t know when it’ll happen, and you won’t know how it will happen, but I’ll make you pay. And I will relish every moment of misery once I screw you over.”

With the silence that befell the room, Rey could’ve sworn she heard crickets.

Ben exhaled hard, absolutely stunned. “Fuck.”

And when it finally ended, Rey didn’t just lose, she had failed miserably, mortgaged all her properties, and had to face the humiliation of a board game. The final two standing were the long time friends, but the win ultimately went to Finn.

“Told you the thimble never wins,” Finn jested as he started putting the game back in the box.

A little smile drew Ben’s lips upward as he glanced at Rey. “It was worth it.”

“Was it, though?” Rey asked, fingers gliding up and down Ben’s thigh, skimming with the lightest of touches over his groin. She’d done that dozens of times throughout the game, wanting to feel him. “Given that the the top hat was wasted on me since I lost.”

His eye twitched, but other than that, he was impressively composed. “You lasted longer than Rose.”

“And you came in second,” Rose said smugly. “What’s that saying? Second place is just first place loser?”

Ben raised his hand high in the air, doing his best Michael Scott impression. “You must be this tall to throw insults at me.”

Rose glared at him. “Asshole.”

“Tater-tot.”

“Sasquatch.”

“Munchkin.”

Finn stood, only halfway done with putting the game away. “Okay, who’s ready for dessert? Ben, how about you come help me in the kitchen.”

Rose and Ben held eye contact until finally breaking out into laughter. Finn rolled his eyes. “You know, I can never tell if you guys are just fooling around or are about to kill each other.”

“Only during Clue.” Rose looked to Rey. “Ben likes to write down notes on the pad–”

“Which isn’t against the rules,” Ben cut in.

“It’s unfair to the other players.”

“Then start doing it yourself.”

“Listen you big fucking moose, I’m not–”

“And now we’re really going to go get that dessert,” Finn proclaimed as he came around the table and tugged Ben to his feet. “Let’s go, Ben.”

As Rey watched them disappear through the archway, she wished the house had more of an open concept so she could see and hear them. Would they talk about her? What would Finn say? Did he approve of her?

“Sorry about that,” Rose said as she stood, taking over Finn’s job of cleaning up. “None of it is serious, just so you know.”

“You all seem like really great friends.”

“We are, but Finn is the one who’s closest with Ben. They’ve known each other since they were young, while I only met Ben when Finn and I started dating. That was…” Rose paused, “an interesting time.”

Rey picked at a leftover dinner roll. “Did you and Ben not get along at first?”

Rose mulled over the question. “It wasn’t that we didn’t get along, just that Ben was a really quiet person. But, like, the way he’d stare at people… you could just tell there was a lot more going on in his head than he vocalized.” She closed the box and sat down, chuckling from the memories. “I thought it annoying at first. Plus, he didn’t look like the most approachable person.”

“He can look intimidating at times.”

“And you’re actually tall. Imagine five foot, little old me meeting him and realizing that Finn and him are a package deal.”

“Looks like things smoothed over eventually.”

“They did. Took a couple months, but I was finally able to see that Ben always hung out with us not because he was territorial or fighting me for Finn’s attention, but because he was lonely.”

Rey glanced at Ben’s empty chair, as if she expected him to be right there. “Did Ben not have a lot of friends growing up?”

Rose adjusted her posture and lowered her voice. “From what Finn told me, Ben had really bad anger issues. Made the other kids steer clear of him. But Ben is way past that now. I don’t want you thinking he’ll fly off the handle if you two get in a fight–”

Rey held up a hand. “Oh, no. I wasn’t thinking that. I mean, I guess it’s sometimes hard to imagine Ben being so angry when he’s so… well, he’s really sweet and nice to me.” Emphasis on the ‘to me’ part. Rey wasn’t about to forget the whole confrontation with Armitage.

Rose finished off her wine. “And that’s what’s so interesting about Ben. He has the biggest heart and is so caring, but people take one look at him and think he’s too threatening to get to know. That, and he was sick all the time–”

“He was sick?”

“Leia,” Rose blurted out, eyeing the corridor that led to the kitchen. “I – I meant Leia, his mom… she was sick. Took up a lot of Ben’s time to take care of her.”

“What was she sick with? Ben didn’t say.”

“I… well, um…” Rose was stumbling over her words. “Some autoimmune disorder I have a hard time pronouncing.”

Rey frowned. Rose was a biomechanical engineer; pronouncing obscure medical terms was basically her specialty.

Rose abruptly got to her feet, almost throwing the chair off balance. “I just remembered, I forgot to... change out the laundry. This morning.” She started walking away from the table. “I hate when I leave clothes in the washer too long. That mildew smell is brutal. Ya know?”

Rose rushed through the corridor, leaving Rey alone. Her scalp prickled, the hairs behind her neck standing on end. She wrapped her arms around her middle, thinking the sensations were from sitting next to the vent pumping out cool air.

Rose must be really passionate about the cleanliness of her clothes. She could just be a really tidy and hygienic person, like Ben.

But the longer Rey sat there, the more she couldn’t deny that something felt off.

()()()()()

Once in the galley kitchen, Bun twisted out of Finn’s hold. “The dessert is a vanilla cake, Finn. You hardly need my help with that.”

“You and Rose were making me nervous.”

“Everything was fine till she brought up Clue. She did that just to get a reaction out of me and you know it.”

“Taking care of three kids is already hard enough without tossing you two into the mix, I swear.” Pulling open a drawer, Finn took out a long knife. “Anyway, I wanted to ask you if my little relationship experiment went well tonight.”

“Depends.” Ben opened a cabinet, getting out four small plates. “If you were trying to break us up, then you failed.”

Finn shook his head, taking the plastic lid off the three-tiered cake. “That’s not what I was trying to do. I was just joking. I think Rey’s actually really nice, and it’s obvious you really like her. But my goodness, you two were so boring during the game. Rose brought up divorce three times, while you guys didn’t even fight once. I expected more from you.”

“Because I would ruin my relationship over a fucking game.” Ben placed a hand on the countertop, supporting some of his weight. “Sounds just like me.”

Placing a slice on a plate, Finn licked the frosting from his fingers. “No, you just like ruining relationships with a punch to the face.”

Ben took a mental step back. “My mom called you,” he stated more than questioned.

Finn snorted. “Of course she did.”

“What did she tell you?” he asked, grinding his molars.

“That you caught them in her apartment and punched Han. That she’s been texting and calling you non-stop, but you won’t respond to her. And she’s worried about you.”

Ben narrowed his eyes. “I’m guessing this is the part where you tell me that I should be happy they’re getting along and are probably back together.”

With the last of the plates filled, Finn put down the knife, facing Ben. “At least talk to them, hear them out.”

As Ben pictured himself standing in front of his parents, talking to them and listening, he felt as if doing so would be like going backwards, not forward. The last time Han and Leia had been a united front was when they sat him down and told him they were getting a divorce, answering all the questions he had. And strangely, what should’ve bothered Ben the most – his mother getting back together with the man who hadn’t given a shit about her and his own son – wasn’t what he was thinking about. Instead, he thought about the fact that they didn’t tell him the truth.

Something tightened in Ben’s face, and then he shook his head once. “I’m not ready yet.”

Finn sighed. “When are you going to be ready?”

“Why? You gonna give my mom a report or something? You enjoy being her personal spy?”

“I can’t ignore her like you can. Leia will always love you no matter what you do; you’re her son. But me? I’m just a family friend. You and I both know she’ll run me down if I so much as refuse to do a favor for her.” Finn’s transitioned his tone to be more compassionate. “Ben, she calls me five times a day, asking me to reach out to you. She cares about you.”

Something clicked in Ben’s head. “Wait… is that the real reason why you had us over tonight? So you could convince me to talk to my mother?”

“I mean, it’s one of–”

Rose came barreling in. “What the fuck is taking you guys so long?” she whispered harshly. All about her height aside, Rose could actually be quite frightening.

Finn went to grab two of the plates. “Sorry, we were just–”

Rose steamrolled right over him. “Rey’s asking questions about your mom and I didn’t know what to tell her so I just said Leia had an autoimmune disorder that I couldn’t pronounce.”

The blood rushed out Ben’s head.

“But…” Finn looked to Ben, then back to his wife. “You’re a bio engineer.”

“I know.”

“It doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t be able to pronounce–”

“I know, Finn! You think I don’t know that this looks suspicious? But you,” she pointed a finger at Ben. “You need to tell her the fucking truth already.”

Ben shook his head frantically, jostling his hair. “It’s still too early–”

“The more you lie, the worse it’s gonna be when the truth gets out. What are you going to say when you finally sleep with her? When she sees you without a shirt on? Have you even thought any of this through?”

“I… I know.” Ben scrubbed a palm down over his face. “I’ll tell her. I will. Just not yet.”

Rose took pity on him, nixing her frustration for a softer approach. “It needs to be soon. I know you’re scared she’ll treat you differently, or that she’ll walk away. But if she does any of those things, that speaks more of her character, not yours.”

Ben could feel the panic building like an unstoppable snowball in the pit of his stomach. “I really like her. I don’t want to lose her.”

“We understand that.”

“What if she–”

Rose groaned, her empathy going out quicker than a lit match. “Can you stop playing spot-the-obstacle? We have enough problems from you lying to her without you pulling more out of your ass.”

()()()()()

Was she going to say something? How would she word it? What would she ask? When would it be? Is this when everything crumbled apart?

Ben’s synapses were firing like a hyped up internal aurora borealis all the way to Rey’s place, anticipating that she would bring up the conversation with Rose. But she didn’t. Either Rey was still trying to decipher what Rose said, or she trusted Ben so much that she didn’t even consider something just wasn’t adding up.

God, he actually hoped she was still trying to make sense of Rose’s weird behavior. The latter would make him feel like a horrible human being.

Walking into Rey’s brownstone, Ben held a sleeping BB atop the little mattress, careful not to wake him.

“You can bring him up to my room,” Rey softly said.

He glanced down at BB’s usual spot on the floor. “I thought he preferred to stay by the door?”

“Ever since the accident, he’s actually been fine staying in my room. I think he knows that he needs help right now.”

Ben followed her up the stairs, trying not to look at her ass sashaying back and forth with each step. But he stole a few glances, the jeans accentuating her already perfect backside. Ben controlled the strong urge to knead her tight bottom with his hands.

Rey held open the door to her room, directing him to put BB down by the yellow chair.

Being in her personal space felt more intimate than before. Like, she changed in this room. Was naked in it. Played with herself in that bed.

Something about Ben coming in her mouth on Friday had changed everything, his mind hyper aware of everything that was Rey. Not for the first time, Ben adjusted himself while she was turned away, preoccupied with taking off her strappy sandals. He had a feeling it was always going to be like this around her, constantly having to tamper down his arousal.

Rey took out her earrings, placing them on the dresser. “I had fun today.”

“Really? I was worried that playing five hours of the same game would get boring for you.”

“It wasn’t boring.” She turned, leaning against the drawers. “I was rather entertained by how you and your friends bickered the whole time. I didn’t know you could get so competitive.”

Ben’s hand ran through his hair. “Not a very good side of me, unfortunately. But I’m glad that our relationship is still intact.”

Rey tilted her head. “Were you nervous when Finn chose Monopoly?”

“Try terrified. That game has been destroying friendships and families since 1904. I wasn’t sure if you’d come out the other side still liking me.”

“But we didn’t fight once,” Rey said with a certain amount of pride. “You and Finn and Rose on the other hand….” She overdramatically grimaced. “Yikes.”

They shared a few chuckles, staring at each other as they both went silent. The space between them was not ideal. Not ideal in the slightest. The distance needed to be rectified.

Ben had an idea of what he wanted to do. It was risky, given how Rey wanted to take things slow. But the way she was looking at him made him decide to go for it.

He took a step forward, voice lowering. “I guess I would’ve noticed all the arguing more if someone hadn’t been distracting me with all the under the table touching.”

Rey’s eyes went wide, like she hadn’t been expecting him to bring it up. “Who? Me?”

Another step. “Yes, you.”

She shook her head, bating those lashes, glancing around the room. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. My focus was solely on the game the entire time.”

Ben stood an arms length away, dipping his head down to catch her wondering stare. “Look at you, trying to act all innocent. But I noticed every little pass your fingers made against my crotch.”

A shiver went through her body, shoulders shuddering. “Am I to be held accountable for my hand having a mind of its own?”

“Yes,” he answered roughly. “Such actions… have consequences. You got me riled up; you don’t just get to walk away from that.”

Where the fuck was this coming from? How was his brain stringing together such provocative sentences? But he didn’t want to look too far into it, too afraid it would pull him out of the moment.

A little puff of air escaped through Rey’s lips. “What are you going to do?”

“Get on the bed.” He noticed her immediate hesitancy. Ben nixed the commanding tone. “Don’t worry, I’m not looking to have sex. But…” Should he say it? “I do want to watch you come… if you’d let me.”

Rey’s eyes flared. Ben questioned if she was even breathing anymore. There was a long silence. Then, barely even a whisper, she said, “Only if you come, too.”

Okay. Fine. Whatever she wanted. Hell, at this point she could order his eyes to stop blinking and the pair would comply with the command quite gleefully, not even caring about the sting.

Ben’s cock twitched, totally on board with Rey’s proposal. He gulped, lips pressed together. “Can you lay on the bed?”

She looked down at the floor as she asked, “What happened to being more assertive?”

“You like being bossed around?”

“Under the right circumstances, yes.”

All right, then.

“Bed. Now.”

Rey reclined on top of her comforter, propped up by her elbows, watching him expectantly. Tension boomed between them, positively pounded. Eyes locked on each other, Ben undid his belt and stripped off his pants and boxer briefs, completely bare from the waist down, just going for it. Fuck feeling insecure. Fuck thinking he wasn’t attractive enough. Tonight, he wanted to be anything else but himself.

Palming his stiff cock, he began to pump.

Rey hissed as she inhaled sharply, stare glued to the action at his hips. Her lips parted, and he knew exactly what she was thinking about: him coming in her mouth.

“Take off your pants,” Ben ordered.

It was like Rey was in a haze, so bendable and pliable that she just did as he asked without hesitation. Her jeans and panties came off with such ease and obedience, he wanted to pat the material on the head and give it a bone.

Keeping her knees together, Ben still couldn’t see her center. No, Rey wanted him to tell her what to do. She was waiting for it. Eagerly.

“Open your legs. Show me your pussy.”

This time, she followed his instruction slowly, inch by inch, the reveal dragged out. Then, he saw everything: her hips and her thighs and the lovely shaded lips of her sex.

A noise came out of his throat that was both a demand and a plea. “Touch yourself. Show me how you like it.”

He watched as Rey dipped her fingers inside her own wetness, using it as lube and massaging circles on her clit. Her hands… they were so lovely and sun kissed and… they really needed to be on his skin. All over him. He imagined they were.

“How often have you done this since you met me?” he asked in a low rasp.

She opened herself even further, letting him see her pink core. It was glistening. He wanted to add to that. Taste it.

Ben stayed where he was.

“Everyday,” Rey answered.

“Do you imagine me fucking you?”

“Yes.”

“From now on, you’ll only think of me… when you do this.”

“Only you.” She paused, rubbing her lips together. “Do you want me to suck you?”

Ben flushed even more as what happened that night at his place came back to him. He relived the feel of her… the power she had over him… the way her mouth moved up and down on his cock, her tongue flicking at the head.

“No,” he said, breath going in and out on a pant. “We’re not touching each other. You set these rules, and I’m trying to help you keep them. Unless... you don’t want me to.”

Rey bit down on her lip. Hard. “I want you,” she groaned. “Inside me.”

The begging nearly obliterated his control. “I know. Fuck, I know.” But Ben didn’t advance. “Do you have any toys you could use?”

With desperation, Rey reached over to the nightstand, taking out a long, pink silicone vibrator. “Turn it on. Lowest speed.” She did. “Put it in your pussy. Slowly.” She sunk it down into her core with ease, moaning, eyes rolling back. “Does that feel good?”

Her nod was sloppy. “But you’d feel better.”

Ben licked his mouth, picking up speed with the stroking, the slapping sounds of him wanking off filling the room.

“Move it faster,” he said. “Please, god… go faster.”

Her pelvis rocked with the quickened pace, and she grunted along with every pump of the vibrator. Ben was getting more uncoordinated, chasing his release with a manic frenzy. Rey wasn’t faring any better, the rubbing on her clit slipping between her inner thighs.

They spoke in broken sentences, vulgar things, taking each other higher and higher until they nearly broke.

“Are you getting close?” he asked through clenched teeth.

“Yeah. You?” Ben nodded. Rey bunched her shirt up around her chest, part of her nude bra showing. “Come on me. I want to see it.”

On his knees, Ben situated himself between her legs. Caging her in and looming over her, he placed his left hand on the bed, his right arm burning from exertion. Ben was quickly learning how to read Rey’s moans, knew that the incessant licking of her lips meant she was getting closer to her peak, that her eyes were peering down at his hips because she enjoyed watching him work his own cock.

The telltale sign of Ben’s climax built: the pooling in his lower abdomen, the tightening of his balls, every nerve ending hyper focused. He huffed and groaned when he came, long spurts of cum stringing across Rey’s abdomen, even making it up onto her shirt and bra.

The sight took Rey over the edge. Her breathing hitched, eyes closed, body torqued – she came completely undone. Ben watched with a grateful wonder.

Moments passed. Neither moved. Rey opened her eyes, finding Ben above her. She smiled, the kind that was sweet and satiated and comfortable. No signs of panic, not like the last time they’d been close to one another.

Ben kissed her lightly on the lips, cheeks, and the tip of her nose. She closed her eyes briefly, relishing it.

“Maybe it was a bad idea that we did this,” Ben mumbled. Aaaaaaaaand there it was, the panic replacing Rey’s bright eyes. “No, sorry, I didn’t mean it like this was a literal mistake,” Ben quickly amended. “Just that... seeing you like this, being a part of it, I’m going to want this all the time now.”

Rey relaxed, placated by his answer. “Me, too. I’ve never been so turned on by a guy taking control before. But you were, like, Emmy nominated perfection.”

Ben grinned from the compliment. It was amazing how he hadn’t been anxious or nervous during that whole exchange. Hell, he never even knew he got off on giving out sexual orders till this very moment. Did that make him a carnal deviant? Maybe… but he liked it.

Sliding off the bed, he asked, “Your previous boyfriends never bossed you around in the bedroom?”

He headed for her bathroom, bracing himself for her answer. “Oh, they tried. But… I don’t know, none of them had the physical presence to be really convincing, if that makes sense.” Ben washed his hands quickly and snatched the hand towel off the hook, trying to keep the feelings of jealousy at bay. “Like, they would laugh and ruin the moment. It would get to the point where I would get so frustrated, I didn’t even want to do anything anymore. But you were really into it, which was a huge turn on.”

Ben dampened the towel before heading back into the room. “I didn’t know I’d be that into it.”

Rey raised a brow. “You haven’t done something like that with previous partners? Any dirty talk or domination stuff?”

He wiped the cum from her stomach, hoping his blush didn’t give away his perpetual virginity. “Uh, no… not really. I never found someone I wanted to do something like that with. Until you.”

When she was nice and clean, Rey shifted on the pillows, raising herself up. She reached out, taking his free hand. “You’re really good at that.”

Ben laughed in a throaty way. “What? Being domineering?”

“Making me feel special. Not many people have been able to do that.”

The moment shifted to a low hum, the connection between them sinking deeper into their DNA, writing in a new code that complimented the other. Ben stroked Rey’s cheek without haste, gliding down her neck, brushing across her collarbone.

With a reluctance that hung like heavy chains, Ben battled against the weight and forced himself off the bed. “I should probably get going,” he muttered. The disappointment in Rey’s face made him look away. First to her creamy, flat stomach, then down to the slit between her legs, before reprimanding himself and shifting his sight to his crumbled clothes on the floor.

Against his inner protestations, Ben pulled on his boxer briefs. When he went for the pants, Rey leapt from the bed and stopped him with a hand to the arm. “Stay the night,” she quietly implored. “Please.”

They didn’t hug. They didn’t speak. Rey already knew his answer. And Ben had come prepared.

He’d brought his evening meds to Finn’s, taking them before him and Rey left… because he’d been hoping they wouldn’t part ways till the morning.

Ben glanced away as Rey put on a fresh pair of underwear and a large sleep shirt that showed a map of Middle Earth, the words _Mordor Fun Run_ in bold print at the top. He would prefer her naked, but seeing how she was trying to take the physical side of their relationship at a relatively slow pace – it was torture for him, really – covering her silky skin was a good idea.

She gave him an extra toothbrush, both of them going through their nightly routine side by side in Rey’s bathroom. They kept glancing at each other in the mirror, smiling every time their eyes met.

Mouths cleaned, faces scrubbed and moisturized – Rey gave a passionate testimonial of why Korean beauty products were the best while giving him a peel-off facial – Ben couldn’t help but bask in the domesticity of it all. This was what it would be like if they didn’t have to part every night. If they lived together.

No goodbyes. No late night texts or calls. Being close was instantaneous, just an arm’s reach away.

Rey nixed the bedroom lights and eased them back onto her mattress, snuggling under the covers and throwing her leg over his hip. With his arm beneath her, Rey rested her head on Ben’s chest, so near the scar, so near the truth. As he held her tighter, his stomach knotted, his mind imploring him to be honest with her. But here, now, the moment wasn’t right.

“Ben?” Rey’s voice permeated the darkness.

“Hmm?”

There was a hesitation. “Would you ever leave me? Like, out of the blue?”

The question gutted him. She must expect the people in her life to just suddenly be gone. It’s all she’d ever known.

“No,” he answered softly, lips pressed against the top of her head. “As long as you want me here, I’d never leave you.” As the words came out of his mouth, Ben realized that it was the first thing he’d ever said as a fully-grown man, the first vow he ever really made. And he couldn’t think of a better person to offer it to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything is steadily progressing, but I won't make it take too long until they actually get together. I have it mapped out how I want it to go, but I won't get to writing the next chapter till after I get home next week on Monday. So expect another 2 week delay. I'm sorry! After this, I want to get back to posting once a week.
> 
> And if anyone is interested in the pics and video I took of meeting Adam, you can check it out on my tumblr page under the name vinventure12.


	12. Nobody Likes Liars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben have some unexpected visitors while trying to have a relaxed evening at his apartment...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who left kudos or a comments last chapter! Hearing from you guys is what fuels me. This chapter is the longest one so far and mainly focuses on Ben and his parents. But don't worry, there will be more Reylo in the next chapter!

Rey had started filing her life into two simple categories: before Ben, and after Ben.

Before Ben: Rey had dabbled in a handful of relationships, the longest lasting five weeks. But honestly, it was more like three. There had been a falling out, a mutual disinterest severing any initial connection they had during those last couple weeks before both parties eventually agreed to a clean break. Since then? Nothing serious. Nothing that got to the stage of ‘defining the relationship.’ And Rey had refused to get back into the hookup culture.

That was five years ago.

Dating sucked. Period. There was always that weird transition Rey had to get over as she became comfortable with the other person, both attempting to know each other on a tangible level.

In the past, she’d question whether being with each one of her boyfriends was right, ignoring the anxious knots in her gut that warned her the flimsy connection wouldn’t strengthen over time. That the deep stability she was searching for didn’t exist with any of them.

After Ben: The week that followed after meeting Finn and Rose was like nothing Rey had ever experienced with another man before.Yes, there were still bouts of awkwardness, but it wasn’t from not being compatible. Quite the opposite. They meshed well together, humor and interests aligning while both were respectful of the things they didn’t have in common. Rey had taught Ben a lot about engineering, and in turn, her knowledge of animals was increasing the more she listened to him talk about his job.

Like how the fingerprints of a koala are so indistinguishable from humans that they have on occasion been confused at a crime scene. Or that kangaroos and wombats commonly contract herpes. And Rey will never forget the YouTube video Ben showed her of a guy trying to get a giant huntsman spider out of his house.

She quickly crossed Australia off the list of places she wanted to visit.

Nightmares about spiders aside – and yes, she blamed Ben for those – they were actually getting along rather smoothly. The problem was what came with compatibility: it caused the desire for intimacy to rise substantially. Moments of heated attraction would catch them both off guard. Not acting on it was when the awkwardness would creep in, both feeling that pull towards one another, but neither commenting on it.

Some days, Rey hated herself for setting physical boundaries.

They had gotten on a schedule of spending the night together, watching the other pleasure themselves before cuddling and falling asleep. No inappropriate touching, no taking off their shirts. It was difficult on Rey’s part not to jump Ben. Especially in the morning when she enjoyed and wanted sex the most.

She’d wake up with Ben all around her, feeling how hard he was against her back or leg. He was completely unaware of how he would rub up against her throughout the night, hard enough to actually give her a bruise or two.

Rey loved it, sleep-humping and all. Wanted more and more as time went on. It was almost pathetic how she didn’t try to hide her desperation for him. Ben kept himself composed a helluva lot better than she, but she could still pick up on him struggling to hold back.

Rey sighed quietly, trying not to imagine the pair of them in erotic positions.

She stood at Ben’s side as he washed the dishes, Rey drying the ones that couldn’t go into the dishwasher. She had slept over at his place last night, waking up next to him and ready to spend the whole Saturday together. What was their plan for the weekend?

Gaming.

Bringing over her Xbox, Rey hooked it up to the spare TV Ben had situated against the shelves of the living room. They played _Elder Scrolls Online_ , Rey aiding Ben’s character in leveling up.

If all the snacking - which, to be honest, was all Rey - and gaming and ordering delivery for dinner had bothered Ben, he didn’t allude to it or say anything. He seemed perfectly happy with just having a chill day with her.

They were talking strategy for their next mission when Ben’s phone buzzed on the counter. Rey glanced at it, then to Ben. He focused on rinsing off the last of the dishes.

It stopped vibrating, the alert of a missed call from ‘Mom’ showing on his phone.

“I just don’t know what to say to her,” Ben said quietly, turning off the faucet.

Leia was constantly blowing up Ben’s phone in what he deemed to be her new full-time job. Alerts of missed calls, text messages, voicemails, and emails covered his screen. He was even starting to miss texts from Rey because of how much he tried not to look at the device.

“Han is calling me now, too,” Ben added, clipping the dishwasher door shut.

She handed the dishtowel over to his waiting hand and followed him to the laundry room. “They must really want to talk to you if your dad is joining in,” Rey commented.

“And I will talk to them–”

“When you’re ready. I know.” Rey hung back in the doorway, watching Ben toss the damp rag into the washer along with a load of towels. He put in the liquid soap and started the machine. “I’m not trying to pressure you or anything, Ben,” she affirmed. “I’m just here to listen.”

He turned around, leaning against the dryer, visibly less tense the longer he gazed at her. “And you’re really good at it. Listening. Have I told you that?”

Rey blushed. “Probably once or twice?” That was an under exaggeration. “You wanna know what you’re good at?” _Keep it PG_ , she told herself. “Giving out compliments.”

“It doesn’t make you uncomfortable?”

“Nope. I secretly live for it, actually. Keep telling me how amazing I am and that I’m beautiful and I’ll soon be putty in your hands. You could do whatever you want me with me.”

“Mmm…” Ben mused, biting his lip. “Maybe don’t tell me that.” Rey’s skin warmed as he looked her up and down. “Is that how you feel loved? When you’re being complimented?”

“That… and touch.”

Ben pushed himself off the dryer and came to her. Grabbing both of her hands, he pulled her in close, his emotions telling her he needed more of a connection. Or that she did. Though, in reality, it was both of them.

Hugs from Ben were the best, Rey had concluded. Whether they were of the gentle kind that gave her space to breathe, or with strong arms that reassured her that he was with her, both made her burrow deeper against his chest, seeking his warmth.

His fingers caressed her back, making small circles.

Rey prayed that Ben wasn’t a Taylor Swift song waiting to happen. If things somehow didn’t work out between them, holding men up to the standard of how Ben cared for her was going to make her single for the rest of her life.

Who knew that such a big man could be so soft and nurturing and considerate – which was one of the reasons why it was so hard to see him struggle over his parents.

Rey wondered if she should have said something more on the subject of his parents. It distressed her, the sullenness he’d been carrying around all week. Rey would watch him act like everything was fine during the day, only to be torn in the evening and be deep in thought. But what more could she say? What words of hers were going to make him get out of his own headspace?

Maybe a distraction.

“If you could live anywhere else in the world, where would it be?” Rey asked, her voice muffled against his shirt.

“I don’t know.”

She tilted her head back, her eyes meeting his. “C’mon, there’s gotta be somewhere other than here that you’ve thought of moving to.”

“I… I’ve only ever thought of Chicago.”

“Really? You’ve never fantasized about leaving everything behind and starting over somewhere else?”

“Well, yeah. But I never had a specific destination in mind.” They made their way to the living room, hand in hand. “What about you?”

“I’ll alway want to go back to New York.”

As Ben sat down on the sofa, Rey rested her back against the arm of the couch, her legs resting over Ben’s lap.

“I did enjoy the few times I visited Manhattan,” he admitted.

“So go there.”

Ben shook his head, visibly put off by the idea. “Uh-uh. Nope. I wouldn’t know the first thing about living in New York. It would be an absolute nightmare.”

“Just watch every episodes of _Girls_ and do the opposite. See? Not so hard.”

He chuckled, low and with a smile. Rey’s favorite. “Not really my kind of show.” With those big hands of his, he started massaging her calves. Good thing she wore jeans. She hadn’t had time to shave today.

“Or…” Rey mused, timid with what she was about to say. “You can take me with you and I can show you how to survive.”

“Now that’s an idea I can get behind.” He seemed totally sincere… but something was off.

And then she figured out what it was. “You wouldn’t leave Chicago, would you?” Ben slowed the kneading of her muscles. “Why? Is it because of your family?” Rey inwardly scolded herself. She was supposed to get his mind off his family, not round the conversation back to them.

Ben’s brows drew in close and tight. “It’s stupid, I know.”

She touched his arm. “No, it’s not. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to stay close to family… even if they do give you a headache sometimes.”

It took a long moment for him to respond. “The thing is, I know I should probably distance myself from them. Not in a rebellious way, but, like, a healthy one? Like how kids go away to college, move out of the house and experience life without their parents breathing down their necks.”

“You live here on your own.”

“My mom found this place for me – renovated and decorated it. I didn’t lift a finger.”

“And that was very nice of her to do.”

The chuckle through his nose was devoid of levity. “You can be honest.”

“Honest?”

“That I’m a 33 year old man whose mother still takes care of him.”

“I think that’s how you feel. I honestly wasn’t thinking that.” It was weird defending Ben against himself. Rey still didn’t know everything about him. Until she did, there was no way she could win this battle of self-deprecation. “Do you… not like that your mum still wants to take care of you?”

Ben did a one sided shrug, voice getting soft and eyes unable to look at her. “I think I hate it more that I let her. Like maybe I’ve relied on her a bit too much. My uncle probably, too.”

What Rey knew about Ben’s uncle wasn’t much. Luke had been a stuntman and martial artist in Hollywood for thirty years before leaving LA. He now operated his own dojo near West Ridge.

“Maybe Leia’s trying to repay you for all those years you took care of her while she was sick,” she suggested.

Ben froze completely. Rey knew a boundary when she saw it: conversationally speaking, she had hit a concrete wall with barbed wire and electric fencing around it.

“You know what we need?” she said, patting his thigh. “Wine. And lots of it.”

Ben arched a brow, facial expression thawing out. “Drinking might not be a great idea if you want to keep playing,” he said, nodding at the TV’s.

“Then we can watch something instead. Relax. I just think alcohol will help loosen you up.”

Ben rubbed his eyes with a grimace. “I’m sorry. I’ve been a downer tonight, haven’t I?”

She cocked her head sideways and looked at him with a degree of affection. “Hey, even glum you’re great company. I just… worry about you. I’ve been trying to think of something to say to help you feel better, but I got nothing.”

His gaze flipped up to Rey’s as he ran his knuckles down her cheek in a sweet gesture. “You don’t have to say anything. It’s my parents who screwed up.”

 _Literally_ , Rey thought to herself.

Ben kissed her quickly before moving her legs and going to his feet. “I don’t have anymore wine, but I can sneak down to the restaurant and snag a couple bottles.”

“What if your dad is there?”

He waved off the concern and pulled out his phone. “I’ll call the front lobby and ask if he came in tonight.”

Ben disappeared down the hallway to his room. Rey could hear the deep timbre of his voice. Even muffled, it was still so distinguishable.

Rey checked her own phone, scrolling through her email, a bit frustrated that the beams she ordered were going to be two days late. She forwarded the info to Snap right as Ben reemerged. He’d changed into dark jeans, a black shirt, and… were those Air Jordans? The most Rey had ever spent on shoes was a pair of boots she snagged on clearance at DSW for forty dollars.

Ben went to the fridge, taking out a bottled water. “Good news, Han isn’t there. Just Lando, but I can avoid him.”

Rey watched him chug the water from her vantage point on the couch. She rubbed her thighs together and told her body to cool it. Ben emptying a bottle of Evian shouldn’t be that much of a turn on.

“You sure?” she asked.

He tossed the bottle in the recycling bin underneath the sink. “Trust me, I know how to avoid Lando by now.”

“You don’t like him?”

“It’s not that.” He walked over to her, sitting on the arm of the couch. “It’s just my uncle’s love of women and designer tuxedos can make him… unbearable to be around sometimes.”

Rey chuckled. “Yeah, I got the impression that Lando was quite the player when I first met him.”

“My uncle definitely is.”

She touched his thigh. “I think it’s cute you call him your uncle because you’ve known him for so long.”

He intertwined her fingers with his. “He really is my uncle. He was married to my dad’s younger sister, Phoebe.”

“You have an aunt?”

Ben shrugged. “I’ve never met her. She married Lando when she was 18 and passed away at 24.”

“How?”

“Breast cancer. It took doctors a while to diagnose it because they thought she was too young to have anything seriously wrong with her. By the time they ran the proper tests, it had spread to her lymph nodes and brain. And medicine wasn’t as good as it is today.” Ben paused, voice taking on a more reverent tone. “No one talks about her much. Lando has a bit, but my dad? Not really. The only way I know anything about Phoebe is mostly from my mom. She said her death was long and painful and that it broke my dad. Ruined Lando, too. But I don’t know how much of that I believe. There’s no shortage of women in his life.”

“Has he ever remarried?”

“No.”

They both fell silent.

“Anyway,” Ben said as he went to leave, “I should get down there.”

Rey threw half her body over the armrest, batting her lashes. “Can you also grab something sweet?”

He chuckled and opened the door. “How do you still have teeth?”

“I brush and floss and see the dentist every six months. Also could be genetics, but who the fuck knows.”

He shook his head, amused. “I’ll be back in ten minutes.”

The door clicked closed and Ben was gone. Rey sunk down into the couch, taking a moment just to lay there. It was interrupted by a small whine that came from the base of the couch. BB had awoken from his nap and was now seeking attention.

Rey picked him up, placing him on her belly. He shook his head, trying to get the cone off. “Yeah, I’d go crazy in that thing, too.” BB let out a throaty bark. “I’ll take it off only if you don’t try to chew through your cast again.” She unbuttoned the collar and dropped the plastic onto the floor. “You made me look bad when Ben had to redo it. He probably thinks I’m incompetent at taking care of you.”

BB licked at her hand. “You’ve been so spoiled lately, you know that? Getting Ben to carry you everywhere, him letting you sleep in the bed with us. He even bought you those expensive treats.” She scratched at his neck where the collar had been. BB went still and closed his eyes, relishing the relief. “You follow him around everywhere. It almost makes me think you’ve replaced–” Rey stopped talking.

It surprised her how easily she was about to finish that sentence without that hurricane of rage that accompanied Poe’s name. She’d spent so long in that stage of grief, the anger and the hate, that only feeling a tingle of those emotions was something foreign.

Was this what people really meant when they said it wouldn’t necessarily get better, but it would get easier? That you could talk about the person you lost without wanting to destroy everything in sight, or curl up in ball and cry?

Huh.

“Maybe this is a new beginning, BB,” Rey said softly. “You, me, Ben – we could be a family.”

There were three quick knocks at the door. Rey frowned, thinking that Ben must’ve locked himself out and forgotten his keys.

She hurried to the door with BB tucked in her arm. “Three minutes must be a reco–” Neither of the two people standing there were Ben.

“Oh,” the small, older woman said, clearly thrown off from seeing a woman answering the door. “I didn’t know Ben had company. You're Rey, the girl who came by the restaurant a little while ago to talk to Ben, right?”

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

This was Ben’s mother.

Rey quickly glanced at the man, recognizing him as Ben’s father. Leia Organa and Han Solo… were here. And Ben wasn’t here. And… why didn’t she or Ben think of the possibility that from him ignoring his parents, they would take matters into their own hands and just show up on his doorstep?

What an oversight.

Rey did a terse nod, maintaining an appearance of composure. But with every second that passed, she could practically feel the rise of her blood pressure.

“Is Ben home?” Leia asked with a warm smile. Ben’s dad was… well, he looked like he’d be willing to break his own arm if it meant he didn’t have to be there. And what was that on his–

Oh.

The faint discoloration of yellow and green around his nose and the scab on his lower lip was from when Ben had hit him.

Swallowing back a ball of panic, Rey said, “Uh… he had to go get something really quick.” She purposefully left out the whole restaurant thing. “But he should be back any minute.”

“Do you mind if we wait inside?”

“Yes. I mean no, I don’t mind. This is your son’s apartment. I mean, of course you know it’s Ben’s place… which is why you’re here.” Rey winced, taking a breath to help revamp her ability to use the English language effectively. She opened the door wider, allowing them to enter. “Please, come in.”

Ben’s parents surveyed the apartment. The place was clean by Rey’s standards, but she was somewhat self-conscious from all the snacks she had left out on the coffee table. If Ben’s mum noticed the small mess, she gave no indication.

Han leaned against the wall by the dining table, giving off the I’m-here-only-because-I-was-forced-to-come vibe. Leia let him be as she stood in the space between the living room and kitchen.

Rey put BB down on his little bed by the end of the couch.

“I didn’t know Ben got a dog,” Leia commented.

“Oh, he’s my broth– he’s mine actually. He got hit by a car a little while ago and I don’t feel comfortable leaving him alone at my place.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. That must’ve been quite the scare.”

“It was.”

Queue the silence. Rey mined through her brain for a topic of discussion to fill the void.

Ben’s mum beat her to it. “So. What are you and Ben up to this evening?”

Rey glanced over at the TV’s and gaming consoles. “We were just playing some video games.” And there was _that_ look, the one people gave her when they found out she was a gamer. Like it was odd for a woman to do such a thing. “Maybe watch Lord of the Rings later,” Rey added, saying the first movie to come to mind. Didn’t matter that they already watched the entire trilogy.

Leia lit up. “Oh, Ben loved those books when he was younger. He even dressed up as an elf and went to a comic convention. Remember that Han?” Han huffed. “He had a hard time trying to get those pointy prosthetics on his ears since his were so big. It was probably the only time in Ben’s life where he was willing to show his ears in public. I keep telling him to get a haircut and to go a bit shorter, but I guess he prefers the disheveled look.”

Disheveled? Rey almost took personal offense to that. Ben’s hair was beautiful. “I’m sure he was a very handsome elf; ears and all.”

“He was,” Leia lamented. “A bit scrawnier than he is now, but he had the height.”

“Lanky would be a better term,” Han mumbled.

Ben’s dad was quickly proving to be an annoying old grump.

“Do you and Ben do this often?” Leia asked. “Get together and watch movies and… play video games?”

That was when the idea popped into Rey’s head that she should probably warn Ben that his parents were at his place. But then she caught sight of her phone on the sofa. Going for it would make her intentions way too obvious.

Rey stayed where she was, between Leia and the door. “I… just a couple times. He’s great to hang out with.”

Leia kept staring at her like she really wanted to say something, like she might explode if it she didn’t get it out. “I’m sorry if this is too forward, but Finn told me you two are together. Like, seriously dating.”

Rey crossed her arms over her chest, deciding that honesty was probably the best way to go. “We are. It’s fairly new.”

Leia’s cheeks gleaned with happiness. “That’s…” Were her eyes watering? “It’s so great to hear, Ben having a girlfriend. Finn told me that you two looked really great together. That Ben has never looked happier.”

“He makes me happy, too.”

“Do you two talk a lot?”

“Leia,” Han said, as if in warning.

Ben’s mum whipped around. Rey couldn’t see her face, but whatever the expression, it was enough to make Han close his mouth and glance away.

Leia shifted her focus back on Rey. “Go on.”

Rey had a feeling where Leia was going with all this. “Umm… yeah, we talk a fair bit. You know, just getting to know each other and all that.”

“He probably told you a bit about us, then. It’s okay if he has. I mean, we’re his parents. Did he tell you what happened last week?”

And there it was, the question Rey was hoping she wouldn’t ask. “I… uh… it’s really not my place to comment on it.”

Leia got a little closer to her, eyes beseeching. “I just want to know how he’s doing. Is he okay? Is he angry?”

“Umm…” Where was a lifeline when Rey needed one? “I think you better ask Ben that.”

“I’ve tried. I’ve called and texted him so much already, but he doesn’t get back to me.”

“I… I’m sorry, but I feel like talking about Ben would be betraying his trust.”

Ben’s dad joined in with the questions. “Did he tell you not to talk to us?”

“Well, no. But–”

The door opened.

“Hey, I wasn’t able to grab any–” Ben started to say, but then his voice was gone. Just not there.

Ben let go of the door, and with a click, it shut on its own. Rey’s eyes went from Ben to his parent, then back to Ben. There was that look in his face, the kind that could be intimidating in the quiet sort of way that whispered he could be dangerous if he wanted to be.

Rey waited for someone to break a very awkward silence for her. None of them did. “So…” she said normally, but in the tense atmosphere, it was like she was talking directly into a megaphone. “Your parents are here.”

As she measured the stiffness of Ben’s jaw and neck, she could feel the tension in his body, as sure as if it were her own.

“Rey,” Leia said gently, “would you mind giving us a moment alone with Ben?”

“Of cour–”

“No,” Ben said harshly, directing it at his mum. “You can’t just come here unannounced and kick her out.”

“It wouldn’t be unannounced if you picked up your goddamn phone or responded to any of our texts,” Han grumbled.

“We aren’t kicking her out,” Leia explained in a calm tone. “Rey, dear, do you feel like we’re kicking you out?”

“No, it’s okay.” Rey glanced at Ben. “Snap called me earlier”– he didn’t –“and I’ve been meaning to call him back.”

“See? She’s fine.”

“Of course she’s going to say that. She barely knows you!” Ben yelled, gesturing at his parents, his large presence overwhelming the room. “She’s being polite.”

_Nope._

Rey was not staying for this. She didn’t know his parents. What was going on between them and Ben had nothing to do with her. Plus, Ben yelling was not something she particularly wanted to stay for. And she had a hunch he was going to do a lot of it.

She hurried to grab her phone and BB. “Really, Ben, it’s okay. It’s not an inconvenience. BB could use some fresh air.”

He went to her as she got to the door. “You’re not leaving… right?” Ben’s voice cracked at the end of the syllable, eyes filled with panic. Her heart clenched for him.

Rey touched his arm, giving him a soft smile. “I’ll just be down in the lobby. Promise. I just think this is a private matter between you and your parents.”

She left before he could stop her.

In the lift, running her fingers through BB’s fur, she closed her eyes, consumed by some sort of guilt. But there wasn’t anything she could do for Ben. Were there moments when she wanted to tell him that life was short and he should make up with his parents before it was too late?

Of course. Her background when it came to loss had granted her a PhD on the subject.

But Ben’s life wasn’t hers. His circumstances were forged from different experiences and with a different family.

BB whined. “Worried about Ben, too?” she asked the little fluff ball. “I know. But some things you gotta do on your own.”

()()()()()

“When Rey said you were out getting some things, I didn’t know you’d be stealing from the restaurant,” Han said, looking at the bottle of wine and bag of pastries occupying Ben’s hands.

Ben’s expression showed his frustration, and he used a tone to match. “Put it on my fucking tab.”

Leia groaned theatrically, closing her eyes for a few seconds. “We didn’t come here to fight. Both of you, cool it. Ben, keep the wine and food. I’m sure Rey was looking forward to it.”

“What the fuck did you say to her?” Ben shot the question to his father.

“Language, Ben,” his mom warned sternly.

He bit his lip, pausing. Letting out a long exhale in order to control his voice, he said, “Sorry. What the fuck did you say to her, _Dad_?”

Han’s lopsided smirk was proving to be irksome. “ _I_ didn’t say anything. Leia did all the talking.” That might just be worse. “We just wanted to know how you were doing. But even face to face with your mother, Rey didn’t tell us anything. Tight lipped, that one.”

“Did you bring up my heart condition?”

“No,” Leia answered, a line forming between her brows. “Why? Does she not know?”

Going to the kitchen, he placed the bag and wine on the island countertop. “No, and I don’t want you saying anything.”

Han snorted derisively, shaking his head. “Bad idea, kid. Women always find out the truth. It’s best if it comes from you.”

“You really want to go there with the whole honesty thing? How long has… this,” Ben waved his hand between the two of them, “been going on?”

“Over a year,” Leia answered.

“A year!” Ben’s blinking went on rapid fire, the synapses in his brain joining in. “What the fuck? Were you ever going to tell me?”

“Yes. It’s just… we’ve just been trying to figure out the relationship first.”

“Relationship? How serious is this?”

“I love your mother,” Han said before Leia could respond. “I want to spend the rest of my life with her.”

Oh, boy.

Ben laughed low and hard over the believability of it all. His stare shifted to his mother. “And you?”

“I…” She placed a flat hand on her chest. “I do love him, Ben. I always have.”

Ben couldn’t find any words. He just looked at his mom, not sure what his facial features conveyed about his reeling state of mind.

There was a long silence. Like, one that lasted a year.

Ben was the one to finally speak. “I need a fucking drink.” A strong one. Not wine.

In three long strides, he was on the other side of the island and rifling through a lower cabinet, grabbing a pyramid decanter filled with Old Forester Bourbon and pouring himself a generous drink. Didn’t even bother with ice. He downed it in one go, the burn lighting up his sinuses and scorching his throat.

He treated himself to a very tall refill. He gulped it down like it was water, willing himself not to gag.

Leia placed her hands on the back of a barstool, the ones she got from Overstock or wherever. “I know this is a lot to take in–”

Ben slammed down the glass. Leia flinched and stopped talking.

With a voice full of gravel, Ben said, “Why?”

Leia glanced back at Han, like he had the answer. In typical useless fashion, he didn’t help her. “Why what?” his mother asked, maintaining a great deal of composure.

Another round of pouring. Another long gulp.

Ben licked the alcohol from his lips, not bothering to brush away the strands of hair that obstructed his line of sight. “Why are you taking him back. After everything he’s put you through – the leaving, the fighting, the crying. I mean, what do you think he was doing months on end while not calling or writing you?” He added more bourbon to his warming belly. The alcohol made his voice even lower. “Have you ever thought about it? Have you ever asked him?”

His mother’s eyes shimmered. She reached out, trying to go for the bourbon. “Maybe you should stop with the drinks–”

Ben snatched the bottle away, shuffling back till he hit the sink. “He was probably fucking other women. You know that, right? Having affairs. Buying someone else flowers and gifts and, fuck, maybe even diamonds. How can you take someone back that was so unfaithful? How?!” The veins in his neck strained as he yelled, face turning red. The amber liquid sloshed in the bottle as he pointed at Han. “He was a horrible father and an even worse husband and you’re going to get back together with him? Are you really going to be that pathetic?”

Han launched himself off the wall he’d been so casually leaning on. “Don’t you fucking dare call your mother pathetic,” he growled, going to Leia’s side. “I’ve made my mistakes and God knows I have shitty faults, but none of that reflects on her character. So don’t you ever, EVER, call her that. Understand?”

Pride urged Ben to fight off the shame, but he knew he’d messed up with that last comment. However, getting himself to say that out loud in front of his father was an obstacle bigger than Mount Everest.

Leia moved in an effort to circle around the island to get to Ben. Han stopped her with a firm hand on her arm. She tried twisting out of his hold, but got nowhere. “Han, let go of me,” Leia demanded.

Not used to seeing such a display between his parents, Ben took a step forward. “What are you doing?”

Han narrowed his eyes. “The only time I’ve seen you look like this was right before you hit me.”

Ben exhaled hard, a response born from shock. “So you think I’ll hit my own mother?” Han’s silence held his answer. “Fuck you.”

Leia did another round of the let-me-go. Han didn’t relent. “You think I don’t know the signs of a person about to lose it?”

“You don’t even know me.”

“Boo-fucking-hoo, Ben.” Han snapped. _Here we go_ , Ben thought. This was the father he remembered. “You think your childhood was rough? You look exactly like my old man before he’d beat the shit out of me and my sister, getting drunk and blaming others for their problems. I lived in a shit hole with not a lick of heat and had to put cotton balls in my ears every night to prevent cockroaches from getting in.”

Under different circumstances, such a story would have drawn out Ben’s pity. But this wasn’t his first rodeo when it came to dealing with Han’s manipulative bullshit.

“Don’t you dare poor-me it with me,” Ben avowed, lips stiff, teeth clenched. “You always do that. Bringing up your shitty childhood like your upbringing is more valid than mine. Don’t turn this around to you, and don’t compare me to your fucking dad.”

“I’m not invalidating anything. I’m just trying to get you to see that you’ve been ungrateful for everything we’ve ever done for you.”

“So that’s where you’re going with this? You want my gratitude? For what exactly? Mom certainly deserves it, but you don’t. You think the only requisite for being a great father is not hitting your child? Pretty sure there’s more to it than that. Like, say, actually being around when I was a kid.”

Han rolled his eyes. “For fuck’s sake, Ben, get off the cross. Someone else needs the wood.”

The dismissive tone made Ben’s spark of anger boom into an inferno. “You fucking prick–”

“Stop it!” Leia yelled, pushing Han away in an explosion of frustration. “Just stop it, the both of you. I can’t take it anymore! The fighting and – shit, the way you treat each other is driving me absolutely insane!” She put her hands on her hips and kicked up her chin, her classic pose whenever she was ready to argue with Han. “Han, Ben would never hurt me. And I don’t mean to say this to make you feel bad, but you weren’t there while I helped him deal with his anger issues and health problems. Things were worse back then and he never raised a hand to me. So cut the crap. You don’t know what you’re talking about. And if you belittle Ben one more time, we’re done. You’ve told me that you’ve grown up and love him, so start actually showing it. And you,” her attention swung over to Ben, “stop talking to Han like that. He’s always compared himself to his own father, who, as we all know, was a horrible human being. He just wants to know that he’s nothing like him. I’ll admit, his communication is shit. But he swore to me he’ll work on it. So both of you just… stop.”

Leia’s heavy breathing was the only sound that filled the quiet condo. Ben looked down at the floor, the angry words he and his father had exchanged echoing in his mind like a gunshot going off in a long alley.

He couldn’t keep doing this back and forth with his dad. It was eating him alive, driving him mad. But he didn’t know how to let go. And even if he did, it would be like letting Han win in some way. He didn’t deserve to win.

Win what exactly?

As his upper lip twitched, Ben tried to reason with that little boy below his skin that this wasn’t a competition. He didn’t get far. It was like throwing a complex math problem at a toddler: You got frustrated and the little snot didn’t give a shit.

Ben slowly placed the glass and decanter on the counter, and whispered to his mom, “I’m sorry for calling you pathetic. I shouldn’t have said that.”

He didn’t apologize to his father. He’d rather choke on his own spit first.

Leia’s sigh was exhaustion personified. “Ben, honey, I understand you feel betrayed and confused. But Han and I have talked a lot about what went on during those years, and he’s been honest with me about the things he’s done. I’ve forgiven him. We both just want to put the past behind us and move on for the better.”

He prepared another drink, raising it to them as he said, “Congrats on being able to move on so easily.”

“Out with it, Ben,” Han demanded, though his tone was gentler. “If the right hook you gave me wasn’t clue enough, the way you’re reacting to all this makes it pretty clear you have a problem with it.”

Ben slicked back his hair with both hands, scratching his scalp as he did so. “You two want to get back together? Fine. It’s your business. But don’t expect us to suddenly become a big, happy family.”

“We don’t.”

“Good.”

Han studied Ben for a long moment. “Ben, what is wrong?”

Ben could handle Han being angry or acting like an ass, cracking jokes. But sincerity? That was uncharted territory. It made Ben seriously consider the question… which was a bad idea.

His emotions turned jagged, insides tight. The question, the one Ben had been mulling over for the past two years, flew out of his mouth before he could stop it. “Where the fuck were you?”

Ben waited, eyes on his father, heart in his mouth, hoping for…. Not just an explanation, but, hell… kindness. He needed a hug, even if it was in the form of words.

Han shoved his hands in his pockets. “Look, I’m sorry for how I talked to you. I got defensive and I shouldn’t have. You’ve suffered a lot with your heart condition and I can’t imagine what that was like for you. I know I skipped out a lot when you were younger, and I can never get that time back–”

“Not that.” Though, Ben would like to come back to that at a later date. “After the transplant. You only visited me once in the hospital. Then... nothing. Were you embarrassed of me?” Ben’s voice cracked on the last word, eyes stinging. “Do you hate having a defective son?”

Han’s head flinched back. “Is that what you really think?”

“What else am I supposed to think?” And then there were hot tears falling fast and thick onto his shirt. “Lando told me you went off vacationing God knows where, and then you come back right before I was about to run my first half marathon. Without a word of explanation. You skipped out on all the hard stuff, just like you always do. And you have mom thinking you’ve actually changed–”

“Han had a stroke three weeks after your surgery,” Leia blurted out, wiping her own set of tears from her cheeks.

Han took a step back, as if those words had slapped him across the face. “Christ, Leia. I told you not to say anything–”

“And it was a stupid thing to make me do! How is having your son hate you over not being there any better than knowing you almost died?”

Han didn’t answer.

The moment, though electrified and tense only a moment before, was now subdued. This new revelation was like hitting the brakes on a muscle car that had been going 120 miles per hour. Whether the vehicle would spin out of control or safely come to a stop remained to be seen.

Ben’s face went pale. His right hand started shaking. He didn’t know why only one hand and not the other; didn’t know why his body was reacting in this manner. He fought the urge to grab it and hold it still.

Ben’s mouth opened and closed, like a fish floundering to breathe on land. “You… had a stroke?”

Han looked between Ben and Leia. Exhaled. Then nodded. “Yeah.”

“Was it….” Ben cleared his throat, feeling like his own body was trying to strangle him. Realizing he was listing to the right, he put a hand on the countertop to steady himself. “How bad was it?”

“The doctor said if he had arrived ten minutes later, he’d be dead,” Leia explained solemnly.

“But…” Ben’s mind was having a difficult time trying to piece it all together. “How is it you look okay? I don’t notice anything different about you.” No limp, no facial paralysis, no speech problems.

“I had a lot of physical therapy–”

“–which was why he didn’t come see you for a few months,” Leia said quickly.

“Few months?” The shock was starting to wear off, frustration making a resurgence. “Try a year. You… you wouldn’t even return my phone calls. Everyone kept telling me you needed space and wouldn’t give me a straight fucking answer. All I knew was that you up and left after I went through the hardest thing in my entire life.”

“I didn’t want to cause you anymore stress.” Han glanced away, his voice becoming unusually soft. “You needed every ounce of strength to recover. I didn’t want to jeopardize that by having you worry about me.”

Ben’s body started leaning to the left. He put his other palm flat on the marble. “That’s assuming I actually give a shit what happens to you.”

“Do you?”

Ben bit down on his molars and glared at his father from across the kitchen. “Unfortunately.”

He wasn’t sure if it was from the bourbon or the fact his father had a stroke and kept it from him, but Ben’s balance was starting to become an issue. He grabbed the decanter and glass and ambled across the hardwood floor to the living area. Plopping down onto the couch, he put the bourbon on the floor and cradled his head in his hands.

There was a pause and then footsteps. His mother knelt down beside him. “Ben, talk to us. What are you feeling right now?”

“I don’t know.”

Han made a spot for himself on the coffee table, taking a seat among all the snacks. “I know you and I don’t get along, Ben. We are very different people, and I have wronged you and Leia in the past. You might forgive me for all that one day, you might not. But, son… I do love you.” Ben squeezed his eyes shut, face contorting as new tears spilled over. “The issues with your heart never made me wish I had a different son or made me look at you as weak. Watching you struggle… I didn’t know what to do. I was angry at how unfair your life was, and I felt so powerless over not being able to change any of it.”

A weight was on his knee. It was his father’s hand. “I can’t take back how much of a shitty father I was in the past, and I’ll regret it up to the moment I die. I missed so much of your life, but I don’t want to miss out on anymore. Please… please, give me another chance. We – I think it would be good for us to get to know each other better. Maybe it would help with how you’re feeling. Or at the very least, don’t shut your mother out anymore.”

 _Whatever,_ Ben thought. At this point, he’d take advice from a bowl of Fruit Loops, he was that lost and overwhelmed and emotionally spent. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Han questioned skeptically.

With a tight neck, Ben finally looked up as he scrubbed the moisture from his face. “I just… I don’t know what exactly you expect. I’m 33. Not ten. I don’t need a father anymore.”

“I guess we can figure it out as we go. I just want you to be open to maybe seeing me more… maybe talking about what’s going on in your life. I’d rather hear it from you than Leia.”

“Okay.” Ben sniffled, wiping at his nose, glancing at the TV’s behind his father. “But are you wanting to do something now? Because Rey–”

“Oh shit, that’s right. You have a girl over.” Han stood and helped Leia to her feet. “If you want some advice–”

“Nope. I’m good.”

Han hovered, hesitating. “And about comparing you to my old man… you’re nothing like him. I shouldn’t have said that. I know you’d never hurt your mother. I just… I don’t say the best things when I’m angry.”

Ben couldn’t get his voice to work, his throat tightening just thinking about how his own father thought him capable of hitting his mother. So Ben nodded in acknowledgment.

Leia came in for a hug. Even with him sitting and her standing, Ben’s head came up to her shoulder. “I know there’s more we should talk about,” she said, patting his back, “but we’ll let you get back to your evening. We can talk more later.”

Ben did another nod. His parents did a round of goodbyes and left him alone.

He drank the bourbon in silence, hoping the answers to all his problems lied at the bottom of the glass. And with the one after that. And the one after that. He’d never drank this much in his life, always priding himself on having impeccable self-control. It wasn’t good to be taking in this copious amount of alcohol, not when he was on so much medication. But it would only have lasting effects if it became a routine. Which it wouldn’t.

Right?

He didn’t feel like he was on a path to alcoholism. But as his dad had pointed out, Ben reminded him of his own father.

 _No_ , he thought. _He took back those comments_.

Ben exhaled. How long had it been since his parents left? Was Rey not coming back up?

He pulled his phone out of his pocket. He struggled with the whole texting thing, his thumb having a slow-go at typing.

**To Rey:**

_Not sure if you saw my parents leaving, but you can come back up. All clear._

Ben stared at his phone for a straight minute. God, what if she really left? What if she got impatient while waiting? What if–

Those three little dots popped up.

**From Rey:**

_Sorry. I was talking to your parents. You sure you want me to come up? Or do you want to be alone?_

**To Rey:**

_I want you here. But I’m probably not great company right now. If you can handle that I’d really like it if you stayed. Or at least let me see you before you leave if that’s what you want to do._

No response.

The phone slipped from his hand and onto the floor.

He felt the earth rocking beneath him, thoughts drifting in and out. Though his mind started to waver, there was one thing he was sure of… which was that he wasn’t sure of anything. Except Rey. He closed his eyes, leaning back, picturing her. Hoping he would doze off and she would be in his dreams.

The door opened and softly closed. Footsteps. Then there was a dip in the couch next to him. He felt BB climb over his lap, laying down on the other side.

A hand rested on his thigh. “Hey. You okay?”

What was it about that question that made you close to falling apart? But he wasn’t going to cry. Not again. “You didn’t leave,” he said hoarsely.

“I wasn’t going to.”

He kept his eyes closed. He couldn’t look at her for this next part. “I’m sorry I yelled in front of you. Guess I’m a hypocrite.”

“Hypocrite?”

“I told you after BB’s accident that I don’t like when there’s yelling in an argument. And yet, I did.”

Rey gave his thigh a little squeeze. “I don’t think you’re a hypocrite, Ben. I know emotions can run high sometimes. This is me you’re talking to, remember?” She hesitated. “How did it go with your parents?”

He opened his eyes and turned his head so he could see her. Still beautiful, as always. Gold-flecked green eyes, pomegranate red lips, smooth skin. “Looks like they’re back together,” he said, a little slur sneaking into his speech.

Rey wiped at his cheek. It was only then he realized he hadn’t been able to stop the water works from starting up again. “How do you feel about that?”

Fuck if he knew. The alcohol sure wasn’t helping to give him an unbiased perspective.

“Confused. Worried.” Anything deeper than those two words were currently out of his reach. Feeling how sore his mouth had become from the alcohol, Ben cleared his throat, trying to alleviate the ache. “But they’re adults and can do whatever they want with their lives. If their relationship ends up imploding, it’s on them.”

“What will you do if it does?”

Ben shrugged. All these questions, and he had no answers.

Rey began to move her hand up and down his thigh. It was soothing, her touch. “Give it time. Change isn’t easy.”

Ben sat up and wiped his face, brushing back his hair. “I’m sorry you were alone with them. Did they do anything to make you feel uncomfortable?”

“No. They wanted to know how you were doing, but I didn’t say much. I told them it wasn’t my place to get involved.”

“And my mom just let it go?”

“Well, no. Not really. She was starting to press, but then you came back.”

He groaned in annoyance. “I’m so sorry you had to deal with that.”

“It’s okay. It was mainly your mum who did the talking, but she wasn’t rude. She really loves you, Ben. And I think your dad does, too.”

His head lolled back, neck too weak to hold it up properly. With every passing minute, he got closer to complete inebriation. “It’s a lot of responsibility, being loved that much when I haven’t done anything to earn it.”

“That’s not true. Cruelty is earned, but love is free.” Rey smiled, and it suddenly felt like the whole world was his. Ben lost himself while gazing at her. Every mistake he ever made, every impure thought to ever cross his mind was erased. All negativity was wiped out, almost like an enlightenment or religious experience. He knew her eyes could see right through him, past the anger and the insecurity and oddness. She looked past every flaw to find the person inside, the real him, and in that moment, he realized he wasn’t falling for her. He had already fallen.

He loved her.

And seeing how they’ve only known each other for a couple weeks, Ben kept that revelation to himself. Scaring her away was the last thing he wanted.

“Where’s that from?” he asked, voice slightly tight as he kept telling himself to get a grip on his emotions.

“Poe, actually. He’d tell me that whenever I was having a tough time. I didn’t like it at first. You know, since my birth parents threw me away like garbage.”

The way she said that so flippantly bothered him. “You’re not garbage.”

Rey stared past him at the dark blue curtains covering the windows. “I know that now, but back then….” Pause, the kind a person took to collect themselves. “Anyway, your parents care. And I think you’ve always known that. But what you do with that knowledge is entirely up to you.”

He brought her in close to his side, arm slung across her shoulders, her head resting on the pad of his pec. “Did they say anything to you down in the lobby?”

“They asked if we could come over for dinner sometime.” She brought her hand up, resting it on his chest. Without even knowing it, her fingers were moving up and down a portion of his scar. “Whatever works for our schedule. Your mum said something about a race you’re doing soon. That we could come over after, and her and your dad would feed us.”

He immediately wanted to say no. But then he thought of his dad wanting to spend more time with him. It was hard to admit that part of Ben wanted that, too. “Maybe.”

Rey tilted her head back, staring up at him. “Are you running a marathon?”

He shook his head. “No. It’s an obstacle course near Lake Geneva, but I haven’t signed up for it yet.”

“When is it?”

“Next Saturday.” His lips pressed against her forehead and he took a deep inhale, smelling the faint fragrance of her shampoo. “But I’d rather spend the day with you. I can skip it.”

She pulled away so she could look at him more head on. “What if we did it together?”

For a second, Ben thought he’d drank so much that he was starting to hallucinate. But then she kept staring at him, waiting for an answer. “You’d do an obstacle course with me?”

“Yeah. I mean, it’s not pure running, right?”

 _Well…._ “No.”

“Then, sure. Let’s do it.” she said, like it was no big deal. Ben did a whole lot of staring. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“It’s just… I didn’t think doing something like that was your... thing.”

“My thing?” She scoffed, but he could tell she wasn’t actually offended. “I’ll have you know my interests are very multifaceted.”

His brows rose. “I vividly remember you telling me you’d rather saw off your leg than do anything that involved running. And that you hate the gym.”

“I stopped going to the gym because I got tired of constantly walking through a cloud of ball sweat and axe. And while true, I don’t do much cardio, I am strong. How hard can an obstacle course be?”

This was a very precarious position Ben was just thrusted into. On the one hand, Rey clearly did not understand how rigorous the race was. There was rope you had to climb, walls to go over, chunks of concrete you had to carry from one point to the other, and that was just scratching the surface. He should warn her. Tell her what she was getting into so she would back out.

But on the other hand, sharing the experience with her was enticing. It was lonely doing all these races by himself. Maybe she could actually do it. Ben had seen the muscle on her frame. She wasn’t kidding when she said she was strong.

“I’ll sign us both up then,” he challenged.

But she didn’t back down. “Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

They shared a smile.

“So…” Rey made a show of sniffing the air around him. “How drunk are you? Cause you reek of alcohol.”

“Well, that” – he nodded toward the empty bottle on the coffee table – “was full of bourbon less than an hour ago.”

Rey whistled, impressed. “How have you not passed out already? I’d be on the floor if I drank all that.”

“I’m twice your size. And I’m fine.” He went to stand up, just to fall back down on the couch in an unbalanced attempt at going to the kitchen to get some water. The room was slightly spinning, and Ben did a few hard blinks to bring it back into focus. “On second thought–”

“You’re drunk,” Rey finished for him. The laughter that came out of his mouth was belly deep and loud, causing Rey to join in.

Ben put BB on the floor before caging Rey against the arm of the couch, peppering her face with sloppy, uncoordinated kisses. She wiggled beneath him, laughing even harder as she tried to deny him access to her lips, playing hard to get. But he got what he was after, dipping his tongue into her mouth. She let out little whimpers of anticipation, not stopping Ben’s wondering hand as it went under her shirt, feeling every groove of her ribs.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered against her ear before going back to her lips. He adjusted his position on top of–

With a loud thud, Ben rolled right onto the floor, hitting the back of his head on the coffee table.

“Oh my god, are you okay?” Rey asked, getting in his line of sight. “Are you bleeding? Does it hurt?” She thread her fingers through his hair, checking for signs of injury. BB was also right in his face, licking at his cheek.

Ben was more startled than in pain. Thank you, alcohol. “It’s fine. Barely felt it.”

Rey helped him sit up. She bit at her lips, suppressing an amused smile.

“I guess making out while you’re drunk is a bad idea,” she observed. Ben pouted, sticking out his lower lip. Rey chuckled and grabbed his Xbox controller from the end of the couch. “But can you still play?”

He stayed seated on the floor, not wanting to move. The room spun less when he didn’t move. BB took advantage of Ben’s stagnant position and plopped down onto his lap. “Are you going to make fun of how much I epically suck? Cause I can barely focus on the TV.”

She lifted his arm and put the controller into his palm. “Of course I’ll make fun of you.” She leaned in, lips hovering above his. “Your very purpose in life is to entertain me.” Just as they were about to kiss, Rey backed off.

Ben shamelessly whimpered. Rey quirked a brow. “Do you want a kiss? Maybe something more?” Ben nodded, his neck loosely controlling his head. “You gotta earn it,” she teased.

Ben, in fact, did not earn it. Like he’d warned, his game play was horrendously bad. A three-year-old could’ve done better. But they had fun the rest of the evening, laughing and bantering and talking. There was even a stolen kiss or two before Ben finally conked out on the floor. He vaguely remembered Rey helping him into bed, tucking him in and curling up next to him.

Here, in the bliss of Rey’s warmth and companionship, he enjoyed the feel of her body snuggling against his. He didn’t know how things would turn out with his family, nor could anything be promised when it came to Rey. But hey, he was alive. And he was grateful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben finally talked to his parents! They have more to discuss, which will happen throughout the story. But it's a start! Can any of you pick up on how Ben is a hypocrite in other ways? If you're thinking how Ben was mad over Han and Leia keeping the truth from him, but he's fine with keeping the truth about his heart condition from Rey, then you're right! lol. Hey, all the characters in this story has flaws. Even Ben.
> 
> And if anyone watches the show Schitts Creek, I left a little easter egg in this chapter from one of their episodes. Lets see if any of you notice. 
> 
> I would also like to give a shout out to a fellow Reylo by the name of Dani! I met her while stage dooring for Burn This and we fangirled over meeting Adam Driver and how much we love Reylo. It was so nice to talk to someone who is as passionate about this fandom as me. And it was so cool to find out she reads this story. Hope the rest of your New York trip was amazing!
> 
> Thanks for reading everyone!


	13. Come a little Closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia and Han decide to go public with their relationship, Ben finally meets Shara, and Rey is so done with the no-touching rule.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the comments on the previous chapter! Hearing from you guys really gives me a boost in writing energy. I am sorry for how long you had to wait for this chapter. Due to personal issues, updates might be taking longer than usual. But I will finish this story!
> 
> My beta hasn't been able to get to this chapter yet. I apologize for any mistakes you catch. Once my beta has gone through it, I will post any edits that need to be made.

From Leia’s seat inside The Capital Grille, she had a clear view of the lobby, her eyes going to the entrance every time someone came in. Lando and Chewie were late.

The restaurant’s overall atmosphere and design differed significantly from The Rogue: pearl white walls, lots of fresh plants, minimal decorations of mostly just mirrors, sufficient light coming in from large windows. The air was kept at a cool brisk temp, no noticeable smells of food permeating the atmosphere.

Polished. That was the word she’d been looking for. Polished and very, very bright.

Fidgeting, Leia adjusted her blouse for the umpteenth time, itching to apply another coat to her red lips. How she looked had always been important to her, first impressions and all that. Though, the people meeting her here were hardly strangers.

Han sat beside her. If he was antsy about this meeting like she was, he didn’t show it. Luke was across the table, the only one to have arrived on time out of their tight social group. Han didn’t count, seeing how he came here with her.

Luke and Han made small talk, something about sports or a new action movie. With nothing else to do, Leia perused the entire menu, knowing full well she was going to end up getting something from the low calorie portion. When the server came back with their drinks and a basket of assorted breads, they decided to order. Mainly because Han was too hungry to wait.

“I’ll have…” Luke took a short pause, pensive eyes behind rimless glasses darting across the laminated menu,” the salmon with sauteed veggies, please.”

“I’ll have the same,” Leia said.

Han closed the menu, handing it to the server. “Bison burger with a side of fries. And two orders of the jalapeno burger,” he added on for Lando and Chewie.

After all the menus had been gathered up and the server gone, Luke grabbed a slice of wheat bread, tearing off small pieces and popping them into his mouth.

“You’ve trimmed your beard,” Han pointed out to him. “Looks good.”

Luke scratched at the stubble. “Well, when you start finding bits of food stuck in there, it’s time for a cut.”

The table went quiet as Luke finished off the piece of bread, rubbing the crumbs from his hands. “So,” Luke started to say, “you guys going to tell me why you wanted to meet for lunch? Or is this really just a social get together? Cause we see each other every other Saturday for Poker.”

Leia’s knee bounced up and down. Han inconspicuously put his hand on her thigh, stopping her.

“There is a reason,” Leia said through a tight throat. “I just want to wait till everyone’s here before I bring it up.”

Luke quirked a brow as he unsheathed a straw, placing it in his water. “This is Lando and Chewie we’re talking about. Lando is probably held up with a woman, and Chewie has the worst time management skills out of anyone I’ve ever known.”

“We can wait,” Leia said in a more definite tone.

Luke sat back, looking at her in a way that was irksome. It was that all-seeing, all-knowing sort of stare. Like he could get inside her head and pluck out each and every thought. Maybe it was a twin thing. If so, it sure as hell was one sided. Leia could never read Luke that well.

“It’s your lunch,” Luke commented, switching over to acting indifferent.

Leia ground her molars. Han nudged her with his knee, a silent reminder to keep her annoyance in check. Luke always did have a way of easily getting under her skin.

“How have things been going at your dojo?” Han asked, taking a sip of his coke.

“Good. I’m starting up a twelve-week child class for ages 5-9 next week. It’s almost full, and I have some of my older students helping out with teaching it.”

“Have you asked Ben if he could help?”

“I figured he had a lot going on with his new job and Rey, so I didn’t bother. How’s that going, by the way?”

“Good, as far as we know,” Han said. “Rey is his girlfriend now.”

A grin broke out across Luke’s cheeks. “Really? That’s great. Good for him. Do you know more about her? I noticed she had an accent.”

Leia swallowed hard, remembering when they had last seen her. “Um... we only briefly talked with her when we went by Ben’s place the other day.”

“You both went by? Together?”

Leia nodded and quickly said, “Rey is really nice and Ben seems to like her a lot.”

“He’s very protective of her, that’s for sure,” Han muttered, but it was still loud enough for all of them to hear.

“What do you mean?” Luke asked.

“I’ve texted him about setting up a time for dinner and he told me that he doesn’t want Rey around us for a period longer than ten minutes.”

Leia silently sighed.

She was constantly reminding Han that he needed to be patient with Ben, that he couldn’t just force upon him a father/son relationship without setting up a foundation of mutual respect first. But Han wouldn’t stop being persistent, like he was in a rush to make up for lost time. If Han pushed too hard, he might just push Ben away. Again.

“Well, in Ben’s defense,” Luke said, going for another piece of bread, “you two can be a lot. Especially if you start fighting.”

“We wouldn’t fight in front of her,” Leia countered.

“We don’t have fights like we used to,” Han said, backing her up. ”I think our communication has been going quite well, wouldn’t you say Leia?”

“It has. It might’ve taken us thirty years to figure it out, but we finally got there. I don’t–”

“Sorry,” Lando cut her off, taking a quick seat next to Luke. Per usual, he was dressed in a three piece Tom Ford, two button navy suit and designer loafers, his slicked back hair tying it all together. “So sorry I’m late. I had to drop Janessa off at her yoga class. And traffic getting over here was horrendous.” He grabbed a slice of buttermilk bread, talking as he ate, masticating rather loudly. “I’m a fucking senior citizen and yet I drive with more haste than these millennials. I swear to God, I’m going to die one of these days from traffic induced high blood pressure.”

“Janessa the girl you took to Cabo last month?” Han asked.

Lando took a quick sip from the unclaimed water in front of him. “No, that was Valerie. Fun girl, but she started getting a little too attached to me.”

Leia snorted derisively. “So naturally, you dropped her.”

“Hey, I make it clear to all the women I date that I’m not looking for anything serious. Only casual and fun, no strings attached. If they fall for me, ya know, I appreciate their feelings, but it’s time for me to move on.”

“Classy,” Leia deadpanned.

Lando froze halfway to grabbing another piece of bread, deciding not to. He folded his arms, giving Leia a serious case of the glares. “I’m guessing you haven’t summoned us here to talk about my dating life.”

She shared a glance with Han. “We’ll talk about it when Chewie gets here.”

“Great. Are you planning on having Thanksgiving and Christmas here? Cause that’s how long we’ll be waiting.”

“Han and Leia just wanted to tell us that they’re back together.”

Leia locked eyes with Luke, mouth hanging off its hinges at how her brother just dropped that piece of information like it was nothing.

Lando dissolved into a puddle of laughter, clapping Luke on the back, much to his irritation. “Holy shit, man, when did you figure out how to tell a joke?” Lando dabbed at the tears forming in his eyes. “If Han and Leia were back together, I would’ve been the first to notice. And trust me, they’re not together.” Sighing, Lando appeared to have gained control over his giggles. “God, I needed a good laugh today. Thanks for that. Janessa has been hounding me–”

It was Han who grabbed Leia’s hand and rested it on the table, all eyes going to the way their fingers were threaded together.

Han cleared his throat, posture just a little bit straighter. “Actually, it’s true. I love her and she loves me and life is too short not to go after what you want. And we want to be together.”

Leia’s skin heated, the moment taking a deep breath as if waiting for a bomb to go off.

For an extended second, Lando’s eyes had forgotten how to blink. Then they popped wide. “No fucking way.”

It was then Chewie decided to show up. “Hey guys. Sorry I’m la–”

“Han and Leia are back together,” Lando blurted, expecting Chewie to be just as shocked as him.

But Chewie just coolly sat in the chair that was too small for his lumbering frame, shrugging. “Oh, yeah. I already knew that.”

“You what?” Lando, Luke, and Leia said simultaneously.

Chewie’s head jerked as he looked at each and every one of them. “I mean, anyone with a pair of functioning eyeballs could tell they were dating.”

Han laughed in amusement, shaking his head. “I guess we weren’t as subtle as we thought, Princess.”

Lando held up a finger. “Now hold on, there is no way in hell Chewie was able to pick up on this” –he waved between Han and Leia– “when I couldn’t.”

Gathering his long, greying hair into a ponytail, Chewie said, “You’re way too preoccupied with whatever woman you’re pursuing to notice a goddamn thing.”

“That’s not true–”

“Who had the salmon?” the server asked, holding a plate in each hand. Lando sulked as the food was passed out, Chewie looking satisfied with himself.

“How’d Ben take the news?” Luke asked before more bickering could take place. Out of the three of them, Leia was most concerned with how Luke would take this new development. But he showed no frustration, nor disappointment.

Leia was able to relax, at least a little.

As the others ate, Han recounted how Ben had punched him when he found him walking out of Leia’s bedroom. Naked.

“Really, Han,” she rebuked him. “You don’t need to tell them every little detail.”

Lando lowered his fork, face scrunching up in disgust. “Ugh, I didn’t need that mental imagery while eating.”

“It’s not totally surprising Ben hit you” Luke commented, ignoring Lando. “He has a lot of pent up anger that’s just been waiting to get out.”

“We were able to talk and clear the air on that,” Leia said, picking at her steamed broccoli and carrots with a fork. “Well, at least start to, anyway.”

Han huffed. “As far as I’m concerned, that boy has bigger problems that doesn’t have anything to do with me.”

Chewie, who had already inhaled his food in record time – not surprising, really – asked, “What bigger problems?”

“He hasn’t told Rey about his heart transplant.” Han wiped his mouth with a napkin. “About any of it.”

“He’ll tell her when he’s ready,” Leia reminded him.

“How does that work? Aren’t they sleeping together? A big fucking scar down the middle of his chest is–.” Lando stopped talking, pulling out his phone from his suit jacket. “Oh, hang on. Janessa’s calling me.” He got up and went outside as he answered.

“So,” Luke began to say, his focus solely on them and not his food. “You guys think this is serious?”

“If Ben doesn’t tell Rey the truth, it’s gonna–”

“No, I mean you two. Like, is this it for you? You’re both committed?”

“Cause you ain’t getting any younger,” Chewie tacked on.

“Yeah, we are,” Han said in a deep, aged voice. “You okay with that?”

“What I think doesn’t matter. But if you break my sister’s heart a second time, I will actually kill you.”

“Life might beat you to that. I’m 77 and already had a stroke. My years are numbered, kid.”

“Still–”

“Still… I have no intention of ruining things with Leia again.” Han’s stare shifted over to her. “Promise.”

While she believed Han – they had spent so much time hashing out the past and forgiving each other for their shortcomings, all while looking ahead to their future – life had a way of not pandering to a person’s desires.

It struck Leia how random fate was with dealing out happiness and misery, like playing Texas hold’em without being able to see any of your cards. You were gonna lose most of the time, but statistically, if you played long enough, you’d get a win. There were only two instances where Leia had won a nick-of-time jackpot, the first being reconnecting with the love of her life after he nearly died. The second? When her son got a new heart. Both revolved around their health, something Leia had no control over.

She supposed the human body was both a gift and a curse. It allowed you to live, but on its timetable, not yours. It was the circle of life, the way of nature for death to occur. Nature was relentless, but it was free of malice. Nature did not hate Leia. Her son’s circumstances were blameless; Han’s stroke had been inevitable. And didn’t that just suck.

 _Who made these decisions?_ she thought to herself. _Who chose who went through what?_

Maybe, like the arrangement of stars in the night sky, everything really was random. The poor and rich alike were trying to figure out their place in this universe, all of them enduring the unrelenting swings of pain and peace, interpreting the meaning of existence. All the while, the apathetic universe churned through infinite time, on a trajectory with no visible end.

Or maybe religion was right about God and order and the whole heaven and hell thing.

Who the fuck knew. All Leia wanted was more time to be with her family.

()()()()()

Lunch – Rey’s favorite time of day.

Sitting at the table in the break room of the zoo’s medical facility, she bit into a warmed roll slathered in melted butter before picking up a hearty slice of roasted pork. It was leftovers from the night before when she and Ben had picked up some barbecue, Rey purposely buying an extra serving just for this occasion.

Rey felt no need for pretentious manners and ripped off a chunk of meat with her teeth.

Across the table was Kay, smiling and giggling as she talked on her phone. “No, you hang up first... I know, I know... I miss you, too... I like your voice, too... Yeah, yeah. You know I worship you.”

“Worship?” Rey said, cheeks stuffed with food. “Who you talking to, God?”

Kaydel waved at her to quiet down. “Yes, I’ll see you tonight. Your place. I’m excited, too. Okay, Okay. I got to get back to work. Bye, baby.”

Rey stared at Kay as she chewed. “Hot date tonight?”

“Yes, actually.” Kay flipped her ponytail off her shoulder, grabbing a plastic fork so she could dig into her salad. Rabbit food, Rey liked to call it. She ate just enough vegetables to get her by in the fiber department, but she never had a full out meal with only lettuce. Yuck. “You remember Hank from the double date?”

Rey swallowed back her surprise, taking a chunk of meat with it and stinging her throat on the way down. “Hank? As in my-cat’s-name-is-Squeaker Hank? That Hank?”

Kay gave her a quick look of annoyance. “Yes, that Hank.”

When Kay didn’t add anything else, Rey went back to finishing her food, all the while wondering how Kay could’ve picked a guy like that to hook up with.

Once her plate was picked clean, Rey just had to know more. “Isn’t there, like, a vet rule that you can’t date your patient’s owners or something?”

“I’m a veterinarian, not a MD.” Kay closed the lid on the empty salad bowl and tossed it in the bin behind her. “There isn’t a rule like that. And if there was, that would mean you couldn’t date Ben.”

That was an unexpected shift in conversation. “Ben isn’t BB’s vet.”

“Uh-huh.” Kay counted with her fingers as she went down the list. “He performed life saving surgery on him, prescribed all of BB’s medications, redid BB’s cast, checks on him–”

Rey lifted a palm in surrender. “Okay, Okay. Ben is basically BB’s vet. Should I, like, start paying him for his services?”

“I would love to see you try. That boy wouldn’t take a dime from you.”

Rey placed her forearms on the table. “So back to Hank–”

Kay lit up, her giddiness on par with a fifteen-year-old schoolgirl getting asked out for the first time. “We’ve been on four dates already and they’ve honestly been so much fun. He’s super sensitive and sweet and thoughtful. He remembered when I told him over a year ago that daisies were my favorite flower, and now he brings me one before every date. Makes me feel special. And I haven’t felt that way in a long time.”

Wow.

Maybe Rey had misjudged the guy when she first met him. Probably didn’t help that she lumped Hank in with Armitage, completely disregarding the fact that the men didn’t know each other before that night of the blind date. And Hank never did anything to really offend her. He’d been joking with Kay, making her laugh, wasn’t rude to Ben….

Fuck. The more Rey looked at it, the more she believed that she truly had come to the wrong conclusion about the guy.

A good friend would be supportive, like how Kay was with her and Ben.

“I’m happy for you, Kay. You deserve a great guy after all the dating you’ve been doing.”

“What’s funny is I’ve known Hank for years and for some reason, I never thought he was dating material. Not until he finally asked me out and I decided to take a chance. First time I actually liked being wrong. And yes, he is a little odd, but not in a bad way. It’s adorable, actually.”

“Have you slept with him yet?”

“Brace yourself…” Rey leaned in closer, ready for the details. “I haven’t.”

“Lies.”

“No, I’m serious. I decided to take a page out of your playbook and hold off on doing any sexual stuff.”

“I’m… But… you love sex.”

“I know. I ain’t gonna lie, it’s been difficult. But he seems on board with taking it slow. He told me he’s liked me for a very long time, and he didn’t want to jeopardize our relationship by going too fast. I mean, it’s not like we’re going to wait much longer. I’m thinking one more date and then we’ll take that leap.”

When Rey realized her mouth was hanging open, she snapped it closed. “Who are you and what have you done with Kay?”

Her best friend chuckled. “What about you and Ben? Still doing those masturbation sessions?”

Rey outwardly cringed. “We don’t call it that.”

“But that’s what it is. Hey, I’m not judging. I think it’s hot, watching each other get off. Has it escalated to anything more?”

“No, but I think it will soon. I really want that intimacy with him. And I think we’re about to the point where if we sleep together, it won’t just be about the sex. It’ll enhance our relationship instead of being a detriment.”

“You really like him, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I do,” she immediately answered.

“I’m proud of you for really putting yourself out there with him. You never did that with your other boyfriends.”

“Well,” Rey started to pick at her thumbnail, “there’s still that fear that he’ll just suddenly leave me.”

“Ben doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who would just skip out on you.”

“I don’t mean intentionally.”

“Oh. You mean, like... if he died?” Rey reluctantly nodded. “I really want to tell you that I doubt that would happen, but we’re old enough to know that anything is possible. If it helps, his health seems to be perfect, so I don’t think you have anything to worry about there. And he doesn’t drive a car, which lowers the probability of him getting in an accident. Just don’t let this fear keep you from really being with him. Even loving him.”

With a slight movement, Rey jerked her head back. “It’s a little too early to be throwing around the “L” word.”

“Please. You expect me to believe you don’t love Ben after you agreed to run that race with him on Saturday?”

Rey groaned, sitting back. “God, don’t remind me. I ran a mile on Ben’s treadmill yesterday and I about died.”

“I’ll start writing your obituary now. Death By Cardio will be the title.”

Rey’s phone buzzed.

**From Ben:**

_Running behind on my rounds. Would you mind grabbing my sandwich from the fridge and meeting me at the primate house? I’ll need to work through lunch to catch up on everything._

**To Ben:**

_Np. I’ll leave now. Meet you in 5_

Rey pocketed her phone and headed for the fridge. “Ben wants me to meet him at the Primate House with his lunch. He’s running behind.”

“Oh, I should probably be there for that.” Kay stood up, stretched her arms over head, stifling a yawn. “Shara hasn’t eaten anything in the last three days.”

“What?”

“Shit.” Kay spread her hands apologetically. “I’m sorry, I keep forgetting to tell you. I’ve done her blood work for potential infections, but everything came back normal. I asked Ben if he could observe her for a bit today. And if he wants to closely examine her, we can put her under for a bit.”

Rey stood there, Ben’s sandwich in hand, mind starting to race. “How would you do that if she’s not eating?”

“Same way I did it the first time – tranquilizer. Not the preferred method, but she won’t eat anything. It’s fast acting, though. She didn’t feel it.” Rey wasn’t sure what her face was conveying. Whatever it was, Kay felt the need to reassure her. “Hey, I’m sure she’ll be fine. She went on plenty of food strikes after Poe passed, remember? She eventually started eating again.”

Rey suddenly had the urge to move. To get out of this constricting space and go see Shara. Kay followed her out of the break room and through the hallways. “But the last time she refused food was, like…”

“A year and eight months ago. I keep track in her chart.”

Outside, Rey’s strides were long, pace quick. “What if it’s my fault? I haven’t stopped by to visit her that much the last few weeks. Maybe my absence has been stressing her out. With Poe gone and me not giving her attention–”

“Rey, none of this is your fault. You’ve been busy living your life, which you are absolutely entitled to do.” Rey shook her head, rounding the corner that led to the Primate House. Kay stopped her with a firm hand on her arm just before they entered. “Listen to me, gorillas are really complex creatures when it comes to emotions, much like humans. She could be fighting with one of the other primates, or getting picky with her food. Don’t blame yourself. We’ve yet to figure out why she’s acting this way.”

There was a pain in the back of Rey’s throat as she swallowed and breathed. She was trying to make her brain absorb what Kay was telling her, but the guilt and anxiety were hard emotions to wrangle in.

Pushing open the double doors, the air conditioning hit Rey’s face with a short blast, making her shiver as the sweat cooled on her skin. There weren’t many people inside – an older couple walking hand-in-hand; a younger family, the mother balancing a toddler on her hip and the father pushing a stroller; a group of teenagers surprisingly not being rowdy for once. It was a Wednesday afternoon during the peak heat of summer; not the busiest time of day for the zoo.

The walls had the same design as the outside of the building, paintings of vines and trees and monkeys strewn across the stucco. A sufficient amount of light came in through the reinforced glass partitions that separated the viewers from the actual habitats, allowing the overhead lights to be dimmed.

Ben entered the building from the other side, eyes immediately finding Rey. God, it was like a breath of fresh air every time she saw him. All she wanted was to launch herself into his arms, have him hold her. A hug from him sounded great at the moment. But Rey refrained since they were in public and Ben was technically working. There was also that promise she’d made to Kay that there would be no hanky-panky during work hours or on zoo property.

Cruelty had a new definition: not being able to touch Ben Solo.

Rey handed him his sandwich, talking to him briefly. It was slightly awkward with Kay watching, like if they even brushed fingers, she was going to raise an alarm.

The three of them gathered in front of the gorilla enclosure, searching for Shara among the other apes, foliage, and extensive jungle gym. Rey heard the crinkling of a wrapper. Ben was making quick work of his lunch.

As her eyes roamed, her sight fell upon what was off to the side of the glass – a small display of photographs and a brief history of each gorilla. She looked over the photos, stopping at the one on Shara.

Shara’s bio read: **_Shara, fifteen-years-old, taught sign language in 2007 by Dr. Poe Dameron. You can say hello to Shara by doing the following…_**

A diagram of two hands illustrated the sign language symbols for “H” and “I”. Rey quickly ran a finger over Poe’s name.

“It’s been a few weeks since I started working, but I haven’t actually been here till now,” Ben confessed, compressing the sandwich wrapper into a ball and shoving it in his pocket. “I haven’t met any of the gorillas.”

“Not even when you visited the zoo before you were hired?” Kay asked.

“I spent most of my time at the Feline House.”

“Well, some of the gorillas are drama queens, others are timid,” Kay explained, both her and Ben’s attention stuck on the habitat. “Shara usually loves interacting with people. Her spot is right over there in the corner. But she’s probably going to be shy and tired today.” Kay got closer to the partition, nose almost touching it. “I’m surprised she even came out of her pen this morning.”

“Wouldn’t you want her kept in her own space?” Rey asked.

“She’s been in there for two days, not wanting to come out.” Kay went on her tiptoes as she continued to search. “It’s small, only really useful to sleep in. I guess she wanted some fresh air today, though.”

“You checked her for aetiological agents?” Ben asked, opening up the binder he’d been holding.

“Yep. She was negative.”

“Strongyloides?”

“None.”

“Pneumonia?”

“Nope. And no fungal infections either.”

“Could there be a social problem?”

“We haven’t seen any fights. And I had Mitaka go over recent footage in the habitat. Nothing. But we could’ve missed something.”

Rey shifted her weight to her other leg, stomach tightening. Even though she knew it was wrong of her, she’d been hoping something would be physically off with Shara. It would let Rey off the hook, and if Shara were sick, it could be easily treatable.

Emotional distress had no medicinal cure.

Ben flipped through the pages in Shara’s chart, silent for a few moments as he scanned through the notes. “The last time she refused to eat was when Poe passed,” he said in a hushed tone, gaze flickering to Rey.

“They were really close,” Kay explained with a sense of reverence. “Poe’s absence was hard on her. She still remembers – oh. There she is. Over there, by the ropes.”

Rey caught sight of her sitting in the grass, slouching. Shara didn’t look at the other active gorillas, focusing more on her hands in her lap.

Rey wasn’t sure what caught Shara’s attention. None of them had moved as they stared at her, but something made her snap her head in their direction.

Shara noticed Rey first. Rey gave her a wave, beckoning for her to come over to them. Shara’s movements were slow, her usual energy lacking. She walked on her knuckles and feet, getting closer to the glass. Then she stopped, her eyes shifting to someone else. With powerful legs, Shara closed the distance between her and the enclosure, stopping right in front of Ben.

Shara stared at him before placing her palm flat against the glass, studying his face. Kay and Rey watched in silence, both at a loss over Shara greeting a virtual stranger in such a way. This special hello had only been reserved for Poe.

Letting the binder drop to the floor, Ben reached out, pressing his palm against hers on the glass. Shara put her free hand on top of the other. Ben mimicked her, both frozen in the same pose.

Ben’s eyes were as immobile as the rest of his face, as if what was happening was impossible to absorb any faster. He was frozen for maybe five whole seconds before the corners of his mouth curled up, a brilliant smile stretching wide.

“You guys seeing this?” Ben asked, as if anything else could hold their attention but him and Shara.

Ben moved his hands a few inches to the right. Shara followed. He moved them to the left. She did the same, trying to keep in contact with him.

It took a few hand waves for Kay to catch the gorilla’s attention. Once she did, Kay signed for Shara to eat something. Moments passed in which Shara didn’t move, black eyes going to Ben. He nodded his head, encouraging her.

Shara backed away slowly, knuckles to the ground, reluctant to look away from Ben. Forming a fist, she rubbed it against her chest, right above her heart.

“Do the same back to her,” Kay instructed Ben. Once he did, Shara finally turned away. She found one of the buckets filled with an assortment of veggies: kale, carrots, celery, the works. Grabbing a handful, she began to eat, one large bite after another.

Relief had never hit Rey so hard before.

“I didn’t know she greeted people like that,” Ben commented, still mesmerized over the whole experience.

“She doesn’t,” Kay said, eyeing him. “She only did that with Poe. No one else.” Ben snapped his attention to Kay, brows raised high.

Chiming came from Kay’s pocket. She pulled out her phone and turned off the alarm, cursing under her breath. “I forgot I have a meeting with Director D’Acy.”

Ben ran long fingers through his hair, lips pressing together as he swallowed. “Go. We can talk about Shara after your meeting.”

Kay hurried out of the building, Ben and Rey the only two people left inside.

There was a long silence where Ben just stood there, watching the apes playing on the jungle gym. All the glimmer in his eyes that was there during the interaction with Shara was now gone, snuffed out by an emotion Rey couldn’t decipher.

Rey reached out and put her hand on his forearm. “You okay?”

His head flinched back as he said, “Why would Shara react to me like that?”

“Kay once told me that gorilla’s are great judges of character. Maybe she could tell you’re a good person.”

His cheeks bloomed with color, his head dropping to hide his eyes. “I’m not that great. I mean, I’m just average.”

“You’re way above average, Ben.” He didn’t respond to that. His jaw tightened, and the way his shoulders rounded, Rey knew he was starting to withdraw into himself. “Hey,” she said softly, grabbing his hand. “This is really bothering you, isn’t it?”

“It’s just… that’s not how gorilla’s react to people they don’t know.” He shook his head. “They never trust that easily.”

“Shara’s different. Even Poe would say so.” With a finger on his chin, she brought his gaze over to hers. “Don’t worry too much about it. Shara likes you, BB likes you, I like you, everyone likes you.” Unable to resist, her pointer finger felt along the curve of his mouth, causing them to part.

Though his lips were pretty, with just the perfect amount of plumpness and rouge, it was the feel of them against her own that she was after. That’s why she pulled him down to her, experiencing softness and sweetness and promises of a passion yet to come.

Rules were meant to be broken anyway.

()()()()()

“And it was just so surreal, you know? I’ve never had an animal respond to me like that.” Lounging on the blue sofa in the front room of Finn and Roses home, Ben described what it was like to meet Shara for the first time. Finn had stopped cleaning the toys that littered the floor, sitting back on his heels to listen more astutely. “Like she knew me enough to share this precious moment with me. And my heart, it was pounding so fast I thought it was going to beat right out of my chest. But it wasn’t scary. It was just…”

“Beautiful,” Finn finished for him.

“Yeah, it was.”

“Wow,” Finn breathed out. “This is by far a way better experience than the one time that monkey threw its poop in your face.”

Ben’s face soured. “Don’t remind me. I still have flashbacks about the smell.” He paused, watching as Finn went back to gathering up the toys. “I don’t know… something about it is bothering me, though.”

Finn glanced over as he dumped an armful of building blocks into the toy chest. “You have an amazing moment with a gorilla and it’s bothering you?”

“The only person she was like that with was Poe.”

“Rey’s brother?” Ben did a tight nod. “Okay… Now that is weird.”

“Thank you,” Ben said, feeling validated. “No one else thinks it’s strange.”

On the armrest, his phone vibrated, making a quick descent off the slope and onto the couch cushion. Ben knew who it was before he even checked. There was only one person who texted him this late in the evening. His dad usually reserved the bombardment of texts for during the day.

**From Rey:**

_Finally done. Heading to my place in ten. You still gonna spend the night?_

Ben grinned as he typed out a reply.

**To Rey:**

_Already have my overnight bag. :)_

It was packed with his usual weekday essentials: a green Lincoln Park Zoo polo shirt, undergarments, jeans, work boots, and a stash of meds. He already kept his own toothbrush, shampoo and conditioner in her bathroom. Rey kept similar provisions of her own at his place. And so far, she hadn’t brought up the fact that a pair of her underwear that had been stashed under his bathroom sink had gone missing. Nor had Ben told her he found it… because he had every intention of keeping it for as long as possible.

He knew it was disgusting and if anyone were to ever know, they would be revolted, but the black undies smelled like her. God, he couldn’t get enough of it. He’d already jerked off to it a handful of times and he didn’t have any plans on stopping.

That was the first real inkling Ben had that he might just be a perv. Not a high level one, but definitely on the spectrum.

It bothered him because society would label him as a weirdo, but a part of him just didn’t fucking care. Most women thought him odd, anyway. And what’s done in private, remains in private. Hopefully. If Rey found out, he wasn’t sure how she would react.

**From Rey:**

_Xo_

“Is Rey sexting you or something?”

Ben snapped his head up. “Huh?”

“You’re smiling and blushing like an idiot. It’s obvious who you’re texting.”

The phone buzzed in his palm.

**From Rey:**

_And make sure Finn and Rose know I’m sorry for having to bail on dinner and hanging out tonight. I hope they aren’t mad. If this order for the double glass panels was done correctly the first time, I’d have a free evening._

“Oh, Ben, I miss you sooooooo much,” Finn performed in a high pitched voice, batting his lashes while holding tight to a stuffed Mickey Mouse. “I can’t live another second without seeing your face. You’re my everything and I’ll only ever want you.” He sprawled himself onto his side, trying to be seductive, twirling a non-existent strand of hair. “Now take me right here, right now. Show me how much of a man you are.”

Ben blinked, not impressed. “You done?”

“I can keep going.”

“Please don’t. And Rey doesn’t even sound like that.”

Finn sat up. “I’m just re-enacting what she’s texting you.”

Ben gave him a flat stare and lifted the phone. Finn scooted closer so he could read Rey’s recent text. “Of course we’re not mad–” There was a sharp vibration. Finn chuckled. “You got a new message.”

**From Rey:**

_Miss you. Can’t wait to have you in bed all to myself._

Finn snickered. “It would seem my performance wasn’t that far off. Shall I do an encore?”

“Save the seducing for Rose.”

With all the toys put away, Finn fell into the armchair across the room, relaxing. “Things are still going great with Rey then?”

“I’ve never been this fucking happy in my entire life. Well, except when I found out I was getting a new heart. But Rey is honestly rivaling even that.” Ben crossed his legs ankle to knee, relaxing the more he talked about her. “She’s just so easy to talk to and be around. And she listens to me talk about my job and my family and seems interested in what I have to say. It’s crazy, but I’ve never been this comfortable around a woman before. It’s just so effortless with her, you know? She’s mature, but funny, loyal, but not to the point where she would lie to placate me. It’s nice knowing she wants this relationship to work out just as much as I do.”

Finn nodded slowly, regarding Ben as he rubbed a finger against his mouth. “Have you told her you love her yet?” Ben stopped breathing, not prepared for such a question. “C’mon, man. I can read you like a book.”

“I don’t want a confession like that to scare her away.”

“I’d bet my left kidney she feels the same way as you do. And I’d also bet the other one that she wouldn’t treat you any differently once she knows about your heart transplant.”

God, when would everyone stop pestering him about that? “I’m gonna tell her soon.”

Finn did a dramatic eye roll. “Oh, please. I’ve heard that before.”

“No, I am.”

Seeing Ben’s irritation, Finn backed off a bit. “Well you should, because she’s perfect for you, you know.”

The tension in Ben’s shoulders lessened. “I know.”

“But don’t get me wrong, she’s no Rose.” Finn’s attempt at levity hit its mark, both men sharing a short-lived laugh, lightening the mood. “How are things with your dad?”

Now wasn’t that a question. When it came to his dad, Ben’s emotions was stacked with opposites: apprehensive, but hopeful; bitter; but wanting to forgive and move on; eager, but nervous about change.

Developing a relationship with his father was probably going to be complicated, seeing how they were so used to just ignoring each other and their problems.

Ben settled for a short shrug. “Good, I guess. He’s been texting me a lot, which is weird.”

“About what?”

“Trying to set up a time to get together. Like dinner or just hanging out or something.”

“And you haven’t taken him up on any of it?”

“I mean…” Both Ben’s hands went through his hair, slicking it back. “It’s weird. What do we talk about? What are we going to be doing? Sitting in awkward silence, drinking a beer?”

“Maybe he’ll take you to a baseball game and buy you a hot dog,” Finn chided.

“Ugh, a hot dog? I’d rather have a pretzel.”

“Then get a fucking pretzel. Point is, just spend time with him. Even if it is awkward. ”

“Finn,” Rose said as she entered the front room, hair up in a messy bun and wearing a purple nightshirt that went down to her knees. “Could you go to the store real quick?”

“What do you need? Cause I’m not getting you tampons again. I always come back with the wrong ones and you end up yelling at me.”

“I literally wrote the brand down–.” Rose closed her eyes, letting out a long sigh. “Whatever. I don’t need tampons. We need condoms. And if you even try to convince me that you’d pull out, I will castrate you because I swear to God, that is how I got pregnant with Will.”

Wide eyed, Ben dropped his gaze down to the floor, his body refusing to move, too shocked and just a little bit mortified.

“None of the kids are sleeping in our bed right now and neither of us are sick. This is our chance,” she told him in desperation. “I’ll take a shower, you go to the store around the corner. Meet back in the room in ten minutes.”

She left, never once acknowledging Ben’s presence or letting Finn speak. But that was Rose for you: her fixated mind tended to give her tunnel vision and throw tact out the window.

Ben stood, grabbing his overnight backpack off the floor, one-shouldering it. “I’ll, uh… leave you kids to it, then.”

Finn followed him to the door, rubbing the back of his neck. “Sorry. It’s just... having kids makes it harder to have some alone time with each other. You understand.”

Ben opened the vintage wooden door. “I don’t, but I can imagine.” Actually, he’d rather not. “I need to head over to Rey’s, anyway.” He walked down the porch steps, picking up his bike from the grass and placing it on the walkway.

“And hey,” Finn said, stepping onto the porch, “good luck with that race on Saturday.”

“It shouldn’t be too bad.” Ben slid his other arm through the backpack’s strap. “I signed Rey and I up for the shorter course instead of the half marathon.”

“You think Rey can do the shorter one?”

“I’m not sure.” Swinging his leg over the bike, Ben sat on the seat, hands securely on the handles. He turned on the front light. “She’s strong, but running will be an issue.”

“Well, whatever happens, don’t leave her behind. I know you get competitive.”

“We survived Monopoly together.”

“You’re welcome.”

Ben smirked, eyeing his best friend. “And I’d still rather have a girlfriend at the end of the race than to get a good time.”

“Just don’t forget that,” Finn yelled out as Ben began to pedal, heading in the direction of Rey’s brownstone.

()()()()()

Rey heard the creaking of footsteps, the door to her bedroom slowly opening. Pretending to be asleep in bed, her comforter situated all the way up to her neck, she didn’t dare open her eyes. But she could tell that Ben had stopped in the doorway, assessing the dimly lit room by the aid of the lamp on her nightstand.

He quietly made his way to the bathroom, changing into something more suitable for sleeping in and brushing his teeth.

Rey trembled with excitement, biting her lip, balling the comforter further under her chin.

The dip in the bed was so substantial, she had to tighten her core and shift her body slightly to the side so she didn’t roll right into him. The plan was to have him come to her. To find a surprise waiting for him.

He slid under the covers, scooting closer till her back was flushed against him. Snaking an arm around her midsection, he stopped moving, his palm splayed across nude flesh.

Rey smiled so wide, her cheeks ached. Grabbing his hand, she guided him up to her one of her bare breasts. He gave it a squeeze. Next, she moved his hand all the way down to her core, opening her legs so he could feel how wet she was.

He groaned, hot air tickling her ear. “You’re naked,” he whispered, his impossibly low voice making her pussy clench.

Rey chuckled lightly. “You’re observant.”

Seconds went by where neither of them moved. In Rey’s defense, she’d been expecting him to pounce on her the moment he felt her up. It was perplexing that he instead settled for immobility.

Thinking he just needed a nudge, she helped press two of his fingers into her. They didn’t go very far; Ben was resisting. “What happened to the no touching rule?” he asked.

“I dissolved it.”

“Why?”

Okay, Rey was officially starting to get annoyed. As she shifted around to face him, he attempted to take his hand back. Rey was adamant on not letting him go.

“I want to be with you. Don’t you want to be with me?”

“Of course I do.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

Ben was just inches away, his hesitancy more than apparent. “I think we should wait a little while longer.”

Rey’s lips slanted as she tried to keep down her growing irritation. “How long?”

“I don’t know. A week? Maybe?”

A week in the land of sexual needs was equivalent to a lifetime of celibacy. And Rey was horny.

She turned onto her back, eyes to the ceiling, letting go of Ben’s hand… but he didn’t take it back. “Here I am, ready to have sex, and you’re the one saying no? You were all about being with each other in the beginning, and I fucked it all up by implementing all these rules.”

“You didn’t–”

“So what’s changed?” Rey asked, voice cracking with dejection. “Is it me? Are you not attracted to me anymo–”

Rey gasped.

Ben pushed his fingers inside her, effectively stealing her ability to speak. “Don’t ever say that,” he outright snarled, burying his face in her neck. He added another finger, stretching her, filling her up. Rey held on tightly to his forearm, the delicious shock over the intrusion traveling across her veins.

His fingers were _long_.

She moaned with every pump of his hand, fingers hitting that spot that vibrated her marrow. “Saying that I’m not attracted to you anymore is offensive to me. Apologize.”

Rey surrendered completely, needing him to own her. “I’m sorry.

“Say my name.”

“I’m sorry, Ben.”

“I’ve wanted to touch you and fuck you since I’ve met you. You’ve been torturing me since the day you sucked my cock, you now that?” Rey shook her head in a daze. “With your tight body, perfectly shaped ass, your beautiful pink pussy. It’s maddening.”

Rey started rubbing her clit. Ben stopped her. “That’s my job,” he said, his thumb going over that sensitive bundle of nerves.

With their height difference, Rey couldn’t get to his cock, couldn’t satiate her need to touch him. But he was taking care of his erection on his own by pulling it free from his boxer briefs and pressing it against her thigh, moving up and down. It was going to leave behind a bruise. Rey didn’t care.

Ben kissed her, tongue delving deep, almost as deep as his fingers down below. His movements were overwhelming, as if he needed to be inside of her in every available way, pushing inward even to her soul.

He stopped kissing her lips, moving down her jawline, neck, collarbone, breasts – Rey yelled out, her heart skipping three whole beats. Ben drew her nipple sharply into his mouth, pulling and nipping and rolling his tongue across the tight bud.

“Curl your fingers more and go slower,” Rey told him, his movements becoming a little too fervent. He did as she asked, slowing the rhythm. “Like that. Keep doing that.”

With his fingers working her pussy, thumb on her clit, mouth switching between worshipping her breasts, it didn’t take long for Rey to fall apart.

Toes curling, back arched, that coil deep in her belly snapped. If she had opened her eyes, even for a second, she would’ve found Ben staring at her. She would’ve seen a look in his eyes she’d never seen in another man before. Not when it was directed at her. But she kept her eyes tightly closed, none the wiser.

Ben stopped his ministrations right as it was about to be too much. He sat up, quickly straddling her midsection, pumping his cock with one hand as the other went to her headboard. He was getting ready to come on her chest.

Rey didn’t let that happen.

Raising her head, she tore his hand away from his cock and replaced it with her own, her mouth engulfing as much she could as she pumped with a feverish focus. Ben’s protestations died on his lips as his body revved up and made him finish in her mouth.

When she fell back onto the pillows, she breathed deep. In. Out. Ben did the same, watching her from above, his hair hanging around his face. He sunk down on top of her, careful not to crush her by controlling his weight on his forearms. But he covered her completely and kissed her slowly. Without haste.

All of the men she’d been with never kissed her after coming in her mouth. It was too revolting to them. But Ben didn’t care. With his lips on hers, tongue tasting, she felt Ben’s gratitude, his affection.

“Thank you,” she said against his mouth. “That was… amazing. And I’m sorry for getting annoyed with you.” He lifted his head slightly so he could look at her. “I shouldn’t pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do. I hope I didn’t pressure you into doing this–”

“I wanted to touch you.” The pad of his thumb caressed her cheek as he positioned his body off to the side. “Like I’ve said before, you’ve never pressured me into anything I didn’t want to do. And I do want to fuck you.” She looked into his deep, dark eyes. His little smile offered her a reassurance she so desperately needed. “I just need a little more time. Is that okay?”

“Yes. For you, I can wait.”

Soft fingers traced her face, going down her collarbone, wondering over the contours of her body. She shivered. Already, her brain was on fire, body heating up again. Wanting him.

Rey was never one to fantasize about a man sweeping her off her feet, but by all accounts of every fantasy epic ever written, Ben was her knight in shining armor. A knight with fingertips of flame. And she was addicted to the burn.


	14. The Race Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The race begins! Rey realizes she is a little out of her depth as she faces one of her biggest fears, Ben is ever the supportive boyfriend, and one of them has a wardrobe malfunction!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much who have left comments. You know who you are! I love hearing from you guys, and it helps me stay motivated.
> 
> This chapter is smaller than the norm because I had to split the race in half. It was just getting too long. I'm going to try to update by the end of the week since the next chapter is mostly done. But I hope you enjoy this little update!

Jogging through the forest that surrounded Lake Geneva, Rey could hear her shoes tread against the crack of twigs and leaves underfoot. The sun was bright, radiating heat in double the force whenever Rey no longer had the shadows of the trees to cool her down.

Regret was a bitch, that was for sure. She had very quickly realized she wasn’t conditioned for a race such as this. Maybe she shouldn’t have skipped that run yesterday. Maybe it could’ve somehow leveled her up when it came to cardio. But hey, she was _trying_.

And since yesterday had technically been a holiday – The Fourth of July – Rey had just wanted to relax, snack, and play _Fallout_ with Ben all evening. Fireworks weren’t really her thing, and Ben didn’t seem to mind.

Peaking at the top of the hill, she stopped off to the side, letting the other competitors go by as she took a breather. With the temperature being in the high 90’s and the humidity out in full force, it had been advised in the local weather report to forgo doing any extraneous activity outside. Looking at the runners passing her, there was a certain amount of consolation at knowing she wasn’t the only creature dumb enough to be out in this heat wave.

Knowing that, however, didn’t make her physically feel any better. It barely even gave her a mental boost.

Rey’s loose shirt clung to her back and stomach, and there was a slight sting in her eyes from the mixture of salty sweat and leftover mascara. She was glad she chose to wear her black spandex shorts instead of the leggings; she would’ve self-combusted in those by now.

Intertwining her fingers behind her head and lifting her elbows, she tried wrangling in her breathing. From this view, she could see a section of Lake Geneva down below, the water as flat as a pane of glass. It was a breathtaking sight, she’d give the race that.

“You’re doing great,” Ben admonished, unclipping the small water bottle from his running belt. He was sweating just as bad as her, his face flushed red, tendrils of his hair sticking to his cheeks and forehead as if it were a second skin. God forbid he pulled it back, really exposing his ears. She tried offering him the extra hair tie from around her wrist, but he had declined.

At least when he was sweaty with messy hair, he still looked like a snack. Rey was pretty sure she looked like a hot mess not worthy of visual consumption.

“I like the obstacles…” she took a deep breath, “... but the running is not my favorite.”

Ben smiled as he took a quick swig, and then handed it to Rey. “I do recall you saying ‘fuck cardio’ a few times on the way up here. Or a hundred.”

Rey downed what was left in the water bottle, she couldn’t stop herself. Had water always tasted that good?

Rey let the spare drops of water trickle down her chin and neck. “Look, I’m the type of person... who tries not to breathe too hard walking up a hill... so bystanders don’t think I’m fighting for my life.”

Ben lifted the bottom of his sleeveless black shirt up to his face, giving it a good wipe. Rey ogled at the deep V trailing down his pelvis, like it was an arrow pointing her in the direction she needed to–

“We’re almost done,” he told her. “Few more obstacles and maybe a mile left.”

“I just can’t believe people do this for fun,” Rey said as she observed more of the competitors. None of them looked miserable.

“You’re not having fun?” Ben questioned, alarmed.

“Oh, no, I am,” she assured him quickly. “But that’s probably because I’m doing this with you. If I was doing this alone….” She cocked her head to the side, a thought coming to mind. “How have you done these races alone? Doesn’t it get boring?”

“It’s all about getting in the right headspace. Doing something like this helps to clear my head, and I like the adrenaline I feel when pushing my body to the limit.”

“I like pushing myself to the limit by seeing how much I can eat in one sitting.” She placed a palm above her growling stomach. “Man, I’m hungry.” She pictured the candy stash in her bedroom like it was a long lost relative.

Ben started ushering her back on the path so they could continue. “I’ll buy you a huge burger and fries when we’re done. Promise.”

“Cheeseburger.”

The kiss he left on her lips was quick, too quick for Rey to properly respond to it. “You got it.”

When Rey made a turn on the dirt trail, she let the push of gravity do the work for her as she jogged downhill, Ben close behind.

Tepidness and a muggy smell mixed in with the woodsy outdoor scent, offering no clues as to what was up ahead. So far, Rey had climbed over walls, pulled herself up ropes, swung on monkey bars, leaped over hurdles, dragged a sled filled with sand, and carried a twenty-pound concrete ball from one post to another. Twenty pounds was no problem for her, but picking up a smooth ball of concrete had been quite difficult. There had been nothing to grip onto. She ended up having to roll it on top of her feet just so she could get underneath it. And holding onto it required her to apply a lot of pressure with her hands. Her fingers ached in away she never knew possible.

The trail stretched along a stream that gradually formed into a small river, it’s shining waters offering Rey a little distraction from how tired she was. Voices were coming closer, the chatter heightening the more she moved forward.

Rey slowed to a stop when she came upon a line of people, trying to look past them at what was the hold up.

“This must be the lake part,” Ben commented, easily able to gaze over the runners.

“Lake part? What do you mean?”

“There’s a section of the lake we have to swim across,” he told her.

A jolt ripped through Rey’s veins. She went on autopilot, moving with the line, eyes focused on the guy in front of her. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, but had painted words onto his back. It read: I Run To Burn The ‘Fuck Its’.

She recognized it as being funny.

She didn’t laugh.

The next step her body took was to spike up her heartbeat with that adrenaline she’d been praying for only a moment ago, her skin producing more sweat, making her feel like a bin bag had wrapped around her and wouldn’t release.

Maybe they were going to stay on shore. Or wade through knee-deep water. Maybe take a kayak across? Surely, the organizers wouldn’t have deep-water swimming as an actual obstacle. Wouldn’t they be liable if someone drowned?

The thicket of trees opened to a small portion of the shoreline, giving Rey a narrowed view of the lake. Competitors waddled into the water, staying in between the lane of buoys that guided them further out. Some dove right in when the water was waist deep, others slowly sunk down and started swimming, both methods sending ripples in ever widening circles until they disappeared.

Ah. So… it would appear Rey was in deep shit.

Even with the adrenaline, she stopped moving, vomit rising in her throat. Now, she wasn’t worried anymore. She was full on panicking – all thoughts pertaining to her rationalizations banished behind a fortified wall of terror. Her brain kept showing her every news headline she’d ever read regarding a grim end for those who were self-purported great swimmers, but had drowned.

Ben touched her arm. “Rey?”

She slowly started to shake her head, gaze unable to tear away from the dark body of water. The people waiting in line behind them went around, heading for the shoreline where a volunteer in an orange vest was giving the swimmers instructions.

Rey’s lips were vibrating, her eyelids starting to ache.

Ben guided her off the dirt trail and into the tree line, obstructing the view of the lake as he got in front of her. “Hey, are you okay?”

In a small voice, she said, “You… didn’t tell me there would be swimming.”

“I, uh…”

“You didn’t tell me,” she said again, voice shaking, eyes scanning the trees as if she could find a way out of this dense forest.

Ben glanced over his shoulder at the water, momentarily lost for words. “I said the race was by Lake Geneva. I thought–”

“That I would just know there would be swimming just because we’re by a lake?” Rey finished for him, breathing becoming more rapid, more shallow.

“Do you… have an aversion to lakes?”

“You should’ve”– she inhaled, hand going to her chest, covering her speeding heart –“told me.”

“I…” Rey bent over, lightheaded. Ben sat her down on the dirt. “Shit, Rey you need to breathe.” He had her bend her legs and placed her head between her knees. To top it off, he rubbed her back, slow and rhythmically. “You’ll pass out if you keep breathing like this. Inhale and exhale slowly.” She squeezed her eyes shut to help with her concentration. It took her a few tries to get the process down. “That’s it. Keep trying to do that. I got you.”

Ben kept speaking, attempting to soothe her. The dizziness dissipated as the minutes ticked by, her only movements the shaking of her limbs and the expansion of her torso with every slow breath. There they stayed, unaware of the race going on around them.

Though her heart decelerated, it did those girlish little flutters as she focused more on Ben’s touch.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the swimming part,” Ben said sincerely. “I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.”

Feeling that the panic attack had passed, Rey opened her eyes. She focused on an ant trying to make its way onto her shoe. It was easier to look at the insect during the height of her humiliation than it was to look at Ben when she told him the truth.

Her lips barely moved, the words coming out too weak to reach human ears.

“What did you say?” Ben asked.

Rey cleared her throat. “I can’t swim.”

His hand froze on her shoulder blade. “Really?”

Picking up a stick, she flicked the successful ant off of her shoe. “Go ahead and laugh and point out that I’m in my thirties and have never learned how to swim. Ha ha, so hilarious.”

“I would never make fun of you for something like that.” He lowered his palm to her waist, scooting closer till they were touching side to side. “We can end the race here, if you want?”

The offer surprised her. “You’d stop for me?”

Ben shrugged with an air of nonchalance. “You’re obviously uncomfortable with the idea of going into that lake. And I don’t want you to have a panic attack out of fear. The way you feel is more important to me than all of this.” He gave her a gentle nudge. “And hey, I’m just glad we got to do some of it together. That’s enough for me.”

There was the faintest beginning of a smile on Rey’s lips. It was endearing how much he wanted to spend time with her.

“Do we just…” she glanced around, “find someone and tell them we don’t want to finish?”

“I’ll ask one of the volunteers.”

She watched Ben go down the trail, bypassing the line and going straight for the petite girl standing near the shoreline. Since Rey didn’t have the useful skill of lip reading, she let her head fall back, looking up toward the sky.

Only a few fragments of blue remained through the thick canopy of leaves, like scattered pieces of an impossible jigsaw puzzle. A light breeze snaked through the trees, the sound holding the same hypnotic quality of music. She thought of her and Ben’s first date, of seeing the symphony.

Her eyes found him as he was making his way back to her. When he locked onto her gaze, it was as if every ounce of breath was taken from her lungs, escaping into the humid air. It happened so many times, this visceral reaction to him. Every time he touched her, cradling her face between his hands, it felt like he was untying the knots in her soul. Every time they kissed, it was as if time stopped, just the two of them remaining in the world together. She couldn’t help feeling this pull towards him. Nothing could stop it. It was like having a gun to her head and being told not to let her heart beat. Of course it would be beat. Because it beat only for him.

This had to be what falling in love was like, a story you never wanted to end.

Wait.

_No…._

Did she?

A sharp chuckle escaped Rey’s nose.

Of course she loved him. Turned out, falling for him had been the easy part, it was admitting to herself that it had happened that was difficult. She’d had extremely secure defenses for so long, that she just assumed they were impossible to tear down.

But it wasn’t impossible for Ben, apparently. He walked his way right into that muscle beating within her chest without even noticing the security surrounding it. Quite rude, really, to bypass those defenses she’d worked so hard to construct. It had to have been fate who had snuck in a failsafe while Rey was unaware. Like a door only Ben could open.

For so long, she’d feared it, loving someone. She wanted it, sure… dreamed about it even. But fantasizing about it and having it right in front of her were two different things. And now that it happened, she couldn’t bare the possibility of losing it, this thing that made her feel so complete.

Ben knelt down in front of her, a confession on the tip of her tongue as she looked at this beautiful man.

“So the good news is we totally don’t have to finish if we don’t want to.” He paused, working his jaw. “Bad news is... because the course is on a specific trail and the forest is so thick, we have to go back the way we came.”

Rey stared at him, waiting for the punch line. There wasn’t one. “I’m not going up that fucking mountain again.”

“Unfortunately, it’s the only option. We can walk, take our time. And I can give you a piggyback ride up the hill, if that helps. I know you’re tired.”

“You’re not?”

“I’m good. I mean, before you said you wanted to do this with me, I was training to do the one that’s the half marathon.”

If someone had told her a month ago she would fall for a fitness fanatic, she would’ve told them to fuck off and find someone else to try their jokes on. But here she was, working on her ‘fitness’. At least Fergie would be proud.

Still, no matter how fit and strong Ben appeared to be, she wasn’t going to let him carry her back the way they came. But her lactic acid levels were dangerously high, legs liquefied, and she mentally couldn’t traverse that trail again. There was only one option left.

Rey took in all the air her lungs could hold and expelled it slowly.

“How good of a swimmer are you?” she asked him.

“Pretty good. Why?”

“What if…” God, she couldn’t believe what she was about to propose. “What if I held onto you as you swam across?”

His gaze swung to the lake, and she could see by his pensive expression and drawn in brows that he was thinking it over. “That could work. I could put you on my back and do all the swimming. Just make sure you don’t choke me with your arms,” he said with a tinge of humor. Ben stood and helped Rey back to her feet, her legs protesting against her weight. “Are you sure you want to do this?” The answer to that would be a big fat no. But it wasn’t like she could rewind today. So. “Like, once you’re in the water, are you going to panic?”

Rey brushed the dirt from her bum, feeling the way her saliva was thickening in her throat. “You can’t let go of me,” she said sternly. “Not even a fake out where you pretend like you’re about to let go in an attempt to be funny.”

Ben frowned. “That would be a dick move. Do I look like a dick to you?”

She shook her head in the negative. Rey could’ve turned that into a dirty joke, but her fear stopped her from doing so.

Placing gentle hands on her shoulders, Ben commanded all her attention in the singularity of his all-encompassing stare, those twin black holes made only for her. “Rey, I won’t let anything happen to you. I swear.”

In that moment, Rey figured that every person in existence needed a harbor, a secure attachment to someone who cared for them. Some would argue that attachment lead to being stripped of freedom, and once upon a time, Rey had believed in such. But fuck freedom. Ben was the epitome of safety and love, an anchor she could hold onto, that she tethered herself to because she wanted to.

The freedom to not be ‘linked’ to another person was akin to the freedom of wandering a desert without water.

And shit, she trusted Ben with everything she had and everything she was.

Her jaw tightened, resolve set in place. “Okay. Let’s get me wet.”

Ben arched a brow. Rey gave him a wink. If she didn’t inject some kind of humor into this situation, she wouldn’t be able to get herself to that shoreline.

Gold star for using a double entendre as a coping strategy.

()()()()()

In the blinding light of the July afternoon sun, the lake was like a semi-molten mirror – reflective, but not quite pristine.

Ben moved with robotic precision but organic fluidity, stroke after stroke keeping both Rey and him above water. He kept close to the buoys on the left side of the lane, just making it to the halfway point where it started to curve back to shore further down. Thankfully, the wind was light and the swells were small.

Settling on a front crawl arm stroke with a scissor kick, the method made it easier for Rey to be on his back. She at least had the skill to float on top of the water, which allowed him to not hold as much of her weight while keeping his movements well below the surface. The one drawback was that her fingernails were digging into his shoulders through his thin shirt, but Ben didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to risk her freaking out if he asked her to adjust her grip.

She had just gotten comfortable enough to start talking to him.

“Do you think centaurs could slap their own ass to make themselves go faster?” she queried.

….Maybe she was getting a little _too_ comfortable.

“I tell you to ask me something to get your mind off the whole swimming thing, and you ask me that?” Water sloshed into Ben’s mouth as someone passed him, the guy not even being courteous enough not to kick water in his face.

Rey yelled a few obscenities at the swimmer before saying, “I mean, you are a veterinarian. Who else am I going to ask? The guy who services my truck?”

Ben strained his neck, keeping his chin above water. “You do know centaurs aren’t real, right?”

“Says who?”

“Science.”

“Maybe ‘science’ just hasn’t discovered them yet.”

He snorted amusedly. “You gonna tell me you believe in mermaids, too?”

“Fishermen have seen them, Ben!” she purported passionately. He wished he could see her face, the way her nose did that little scrunch when she was gearing up for a debate.

“And no one has ever caught one? Kinda hard to believe.”

“Because they’re magical and smart. They know how to evade humans. And we’re getting off topic.”

“Oh, yes. The centaurs.” Ben took his time with each stroke and kick. “If you really want me to answer, then I’ll have to say no.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.” But he did. His mind was already forming a theory that was backed up with scientific data. “I guess I would compare it to the scenario of if a person slapped their own ass…” Ben took a deep breath, talking slowly so he wouldn’t get winded or accidentally inhale water,”... would that make them run faster? It wouldn’t.”

“But centaurs are half horse, half man.”

“Doesn’t matter. Both halves are controlled... by the same brain. The centaur knows it will smack it’s own backside... before he actually does it, and in turn... it won’t have any effect.”

There was a beat of silence. “Really?”

Ben delved deeper into his hypothesis to satiate his own curiosity. “I’m gonna go out on a limb here and assume centaurs... are like other mammals when it comes to the nervous system. When performing an action... our brain produces an efference copy of that action. Like copying a document on a computer.” Ben paused so he could breathe, his lungs burning slightly from the effort of swimming and talking at the same time.

“Our brains,” he continued, “take this copy of the action being performed... and uses it to predict the effect of that action. When the predicated action is different from the actual action... our brain knows it’s coming from an outside source. When our predicted action matches... the actual action... we know it comes from an inside source... and the sensory effect is reduced. It’s why we can’t tickle ourselves... or giving a self-massage just isn’t as good.”

“Huh,” Rey said, going quiet for a moment. He worried for a second that his explanation had been too complicated. “It’s like how when someone else makes you a sandwich, it tastes so much better than if you were to make that exact same sandwich yourself.”

Ben rolled his eyes, swimming just a bit faster the closer he got to shore. “Of course you’d find... a way to bring food into this. But yes, it’s along those same lines.”

“But what if an outside source smacks the centaur’s ass?”

“How would you react if someone... just unexpectedly slapped your butt?”

She took a moment to give the question some serious thought. “I’d probably be so shocked, I’d punch ‘em. So I guess the centaur would react in a similar way, probably by kicking them.”

“I can’t believe we are actually having a serious discussion about centaurs,” Ben said with a lilt of amusement.

“I’ll save the subject on dragons for later, then.”

Ben gave out a light laugh.

The tip of his sneakers finally hit the bottom, allowing him to find purchase on the lake floor and begin the lazy process of walking through the water. Rey let go of his shoulders, but held onto his hand as she walked beside him.

 

As they sloshed onto shore, they picked up their knees so their shoes didn’t sink too far in the sand. The trail they needed to traverse was up ahead, a volunteer directing all the swimmers to the area.

Ben took a deep breath, Rey’s hand still in his. “Look,” he gestured to the lake behind them. “You officially did it. You swam across.”

Rey was shaking out her shoes, trying to get the extra water out. “Let’s be real: You swam us across and did all the work. What I did doesn’t even constitute as swimming.”

“But you faced your fear and got in the water. I’d say you achieved way more than I did.”

Her smile was shy, but her gaze was straightforward. “Thanks... for taking care of me.”

He leaned in and kissed her forehead, relishing the feel of her skin against his lips. “I’ll never do anything less.”

()()()()()

There was only a hundred yards left until the race was over, the finish line in big bold letters between two red columns in the distance. They just had to get through one last obstacle; the one Ben had been dreading the whole race.

Pressing his body against the compacted dirt, Ben did an army crawl with his arms, trying to flatten himself as much as possible below the barbed wire. Whoever was in charge of setting up this particular obstacle did not take people more than six feet tall with a broad build into account.

Fitting into tight spaces hadn’t been Ben’s forte since he was six.

“I hope you’re getting a good view of my ass from back there,” Rey said from up ahead, her sneakers close to his face.

Ben glanced up. It was a good view, indeed. “Why do you think I insisted on you going first?”

He heard Rey give out a loud chuckle. Ben smiled, crawled forward, and somehow caught his shirt on the barbed wire above him.

He stopped and tried to swivel and move, but the people to his left and right didn’t allow him much room for wiggling. With a strong push forward, he heard the telltale sound of fabric ripping. He froze, shirt still snagged.

“Shit,” he breathed out.

Rey paused and tried to glance behind her. “You okay?”

“Shirt’s caught on the wire.”

“Do you need help?”

“No, just keep going. I’ll figure it out.”

He could see Rey hesitate before she started moving again. Both of them knew there was nothing she could actually do to help him since all the racers were too tightly crammed together. There was no way to turn around in this sardine can.

He tried speaking to someone next to him, but the guy passed him without even acknowledging his existence.

With not many options, Ben finished moving forward. The shirt was finally freed, but he didn’t know the extent of the damage.

Frustrated, he basically dragged his body across the dirt the last fifty feet, Rey waiting for him at the end. Standing, he wiped off the front of his shorts and shirt, a plume of dirt dispersing into the air.

“Did it get your skin?” Rey asked as they both moved to the side of the trail, not wanting to get in the way of the other competitors.

“I don’t think so.”

She was quiet for a moment as she inspected his back. “Your skin’s fine, but your shirt is beyond repair. Let me just–.” Rey yanked the fabric apart with ease from the middle, tearing all the way up and down.

Ben jumped away from her, holding the shirt to his chest. “What the fuck did you just do?”

Rey was caught off guard by his visceral reaction. “I–”

He felt a sudden chill, but it wasn’t from having his back exposed. “Did you rip it completely?” he asked incredulously, already knowing the answer.

Her mouth floundered. “It was literally useless. You’re better off just finishing the race shirtless.”

Ben was so startled by such a suggestion, his cognitive functioning seized up, leaving him unable to speak for a long duration of seconds. “I didn’t tell you to rip it,” he was able to get out, tone defensive.

“It would just get in your way. All the other guys here are running shirtless; it’s not a big deal.”

“It _is_ a big deal,” he argued back.

Rey drew her brows together. “But… why? You’re built like a fucking brick house. You’re fit enough to be running around shirtless, trust me. No need to feel self-conscious.”

“That’s not….” Ben winced, not able to continue with that sentence.

A crisis was coming.

No. It was already here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I swear, when I was writing this chapter, I had no intention on leaving you guys on a cliffhanger. But the race just got so long, and then them talking also got so long, that I had to separate the chapters. Don't hate me! I will get the next chapter out as soon as I can.
> 
> Also, the centaur question was something I saw on twitter and decided to incorporate it into the story. Ben trying to answer it was all my doing.


	15. The Race Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben makes a confession and Rey battles through her hurt and confusion, all the while haunted by the letter she received from Poe's donor recipient.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all who have left a review! And I would especially love to thank semperfidani for making an amazing mood board for this story! It's down below and I think captures the feel of the fic perfectly. Thank you so much for making it! I apologize for it being so big. I don't know how to make it smaller, but hey, now none of you can miss it!
> 
> Hold onto your hats, folks! Here we go!

Guilt embedded itself not just in Ben’s chest, but right at the center of his brain. What he’d done could not be undone.

The trajectory he’d placed himself on had been a slow moving one, discreet in its endgame, but the ultimate destination had finally found a way to make itself known, to make him realize that he must have done something pretty awful if he had to work so hard to justify his actions over the last few weeks.

Shit, it all became clear, his mistakes. How the lies he’d been spewing had created a snowball effect – small in the beginning, but as it sped down the mountain of his own self-made deceit, each lie just packed on more and more snow, accumulating a massive size that could easily wipe out everything in its path… all the good things he had acquired.

Like Rey.

“You’re gonna have to talk to me here, Ben” Rey said nervously. Ben lifted his gaze to hers, unaware of how long he’d just been standing there. “Otherwise... I won’t be able to know what I did wrong. And I – I can fix it. I’m sorry. I just… don’t want you to be mad at me.”

It tore at him to see her so apologetic when he was the one in the wrong. “I’m not mad at you,” he said softly. “You didn’t do anything wrong. And I’m sorry for snapping at you. I shouldn’t have done that.” Ben swallowed. Hard. “Truth is… I… I’ve been lying to you.”

It took a second for Rey to catch onto what he just confessed. “What?”

“I’m sorry,” he said roughly. “I’m sorry for keeping something from you. And in order to keep that thing from you… I lied. About my mom…. About myself.”

“Your mum?”

“She was never sick.” He paused, gathering courage. “I was.”

Rey cocked her head, eyes darting to the left and right, a deep frown settling into her facial lines. “I’m confused. Why would you tell me your mum was sick when she never was?”

“I…” his voice tapered off.

It was now, or fucking never. There was no more time to put it off.

Reluctantly, Ben let his arms fall, a section of the shirt hanging off the running belt around his hips. He registered the exact second her eyes took in the long scar running down his chest, absolutely stunned.

Ben took a deep breath and started from the beginning. “I was born with something called hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. It’s a genetic condition that causes the heart muscles to thicken, and then the heart can't pump blood as effectively anymore. We didn’t find out about it till I was eleven. I passed out while playing football and… yeah, we found out after that. I was on medication for a long time, but had to have surgery when I was thirteen to reduce the obstruction in the left ventricle. And at seventeen, I had to get an internal defibrillator in my chest.”

Rey glanced up from his sternum. “And that’s how you got the scar?”

God, it would be so easy just to say yes, to let her believe he only had open heart surgery. Rey was smart, sure, but she didn’t know much when it came to modern medicine. He could see part of her still trusted him, that she would believe whatever explanation he gave her.

But he couldn’t take advantage of her trust like that. It felt disgusting that he even entertained the idea.

Ben shook his head, face turning grave enough to belong six feet underground. “No, that’s… it’s not how I got the scar. No matter the medications I took or the procedures I underwent, nothing could permanently help me. I… I needed a heart transplant.”

No reaction from Rey. Just staring. He kept talking. “I was 120 pounds and on the brink of dying. I really thought that was it for me. But then, somehow, a miracle happened and I got a new heart.” He pushed trembling fingers through his hair. “I was on the transplant list for three years and… shit, sometimes I still look around and think that maybe I did die, maybe all of this is just a dream as I drift off into nothing. Because life has never been this good for me. Ever.”

Ben felt the sting of moisture in his eyes as he continued. “From the time I was eleven to thirty-one, I had to live knowing that my condition would one day kill me. It was… I don’t even know how I got through some of those days. I wasn’t like the other kids; I didn’t grow up like them. My high school graduation? I was homeschooled, and even though I finished early, I was too sick to walk at the ceremony. College? My mother got us an apartment, lived with me, and hired a nurse to come with me to every single class. I’ve had to give up career making jobs because my health would suddenly spiral out of my fucking control.”

Tears flowed and ran down his hot skin, but they evaporated before making it to his chin. He wiped at his cheeks anyway, not even noticing the other runners passing them by. “For years, I had this checklist in my head of the things I wanted to accomplish before I died. But toward the end, when I knew… when I believed that was it, I had to come to terms that I would never get to do the one thing I really wanted… and that was to meet someone. You know, like fall in love, get married, all of that. I would never get to check that off. And I know it sounds stupid because I’m a man or some shit, but I wanted romance. I wanted to experience being with someone and having all those cutesy dates and just… connecting.” His voice kept cracking; he couldn’t control it. “But my heart was so fucked up that I couldn’t climb a flight of stairs without almost passing out. I couldn’t even lift my arms in the hospital bed.

“I wished for so many–” he began, but he couldn’t quite get the words out. Fucking throat wouldn’t loosen up. “I never knew what it felt like to be a healthy adult... till now. I finally know what it’s like to live like everyone else… and I lied to you because I couldn’t bear for you to look at me like I wasn’t enough for you or that I was too much of a liability to be in your life. Because I just… I want to be with you.”

There was a thick beat of silence between them. Ben glanced back at the obstacle, seeing a few of the volunteers watching them and whispering to each other. The competitors were too focused to really pay them any heed.

“So…” Rey’s face went through a myriad of emotions, none of them positive. “Your mum was never sick.”

“No.”

“You were.”

“Yes.”

“And you’ve been lying to me.”

….“Yes.”

Her mouth remained open, like she was expecting something to come out, but nothing did. She looked absolutely lost as to what to do.

Ben took a step toward her, panicking that once she got over the shock, she would make a decision that would leave him gutted. “Rey, please, please understand…. When people find out about the transplant and my years of being sick and almost dying, they treat me differently. Every time. Even if they don’t realize it. And then I met you and you had no idea about anything I had gone through. You treated me normally, not like someone who was on the cusp of dying. I just… I didn’t want to lose that.”

Rey crossed her arms over her chest, but it was more like she was keeping herself together rather than a defensive thing. “You really think that little of me? That I would actually treat you differently?”

“Everyone else has.”

“I’m not everyone else.” There was no derision in her tone, no rage. She was clearly overwhelmed… and hurt. “I’m your girlfriend.” Rey ran from him, heading for the finish line.

“Godammit,” Ben muttered harshly as he gathered his shirt into his fist and followed her, staying a good distance behind.

He felt as if a hand was squeezing his heart. Lies punished happiness, and he had made the mistake of becoming a liar.

Rey slowed down once she made it through the end, groups of people holding colorful signs from the sidelines, cheering and congratulating those who had participated in the race. Ben ignored most of the commotion, taking caution as he neared Rey.

His ears picked up on someone yelling her name… and his. They both searched the crowd, finding it be his father. Han was heading in their direction, a big grin on his face melting away as he looked between them both.

Rey bolted. Ben ran after her, yelling for her attention. He almost reached her, but not quite. He could have made it, but he considered that space was what she probably needed.

Ben came to a stop, watching her disappear into a porta potty.

He was still breathing heavily when his father came up beside him.

“What are you doing here?” he asked his dad, voice on edge.

His son’s attitude didn’t deter Han. “I thought I’d show you some support and surprise you.” Han lifted the plastic Walmart bag in his hand. “Even brought you kids some snacks and drinks in case you needed some replenishing. Leia would’ve came, but she had a meeting with a charity.” Han did a quick glance to where Rey had barricaded herself. “I, uh… see things have taken a turn.” His eyes ran down Ben’s torso. “And you’re not wearing a shirt.”

Ben didn’t know what to say. Everything was so fucked up with Rey, but here was his dad, showing up to support him for the first time in… well, ever. Happiness mixed in with the anxiety and shame and self-hatred he was already experiencing. Too much – it was all too much to be feeling at once.

Han filled the quiet between them by opening the fruit punch flavored Gatorade and handed it to him. Ben downed it. Han gave him a bottle of water next. Ben poured it over his head, shoulders, and chest, dirt sloshing off his skin and cooling his core temperature.

Han chuckled. “Better be careful, you’re drawing an audience.”

Ben frowned. Han pointed, and Ben turned around, three young women giggling and watching him. One even waved. They clearly saw the scar, but it didn’t deter them in the slightest.

He wasn’t sure how to react to the attention, so unused to women outright ogling him. One thing he did know was that the only woman he wanted staring at him like that was Rey.

“Maybe you should walk around shirtless more often,” Han suggested, trying to joke. “Then again, Rey might not be too keen on you garnering a fan base.”

Ben rounded back to his father, jaw tight as he said, “Rey knows.”

“That other women basically eye-fuck you?”

“What? No, I’m talking about the heart transplant,” Ben said, pointing to his chest.

His father gave him a sympathetic look. “Yeah, I knew what you meant. I made a poor attempt at a joke to... I don’t know, lighten the mood or whatever.” Han adjusted his blue Chicago Cubs baseball cap to better shield his eyes. “So… what happened?”

Ben tossed the empty bottles and his useless shirt into a trash can a few feet away. “My shirt got shredded by the barbed wire and… well, the scar is quite obvious. So I had to tell her the truth.”

“I take it she’s pissed about the lying.”

“I fucking ruined it.” Ben’s voice betrayed him with a tremor. “If I had just told her everything in the beginning–”

“Hey, don’t do that,” Han told him sternly. “If you keep thinking about what you should’ve done, it’s going to drive you insane.”

“Good. I’d rather go insane than be fucking heartbroken.”

“I hate to tell you this, kid, but heartbreak and insanity go hand in hand.”

“Yeah, you’d know that, wouldn’t you,” Ben said derisively, the words coming out of his mouth before he could stop them. He closed his eyes for a second, letting out a long breath. “Sorry. I didn’t–”

Han shrugged. “It’s okay. You’re stressed and worried. I get it.”

“But–”

“Did Rey break it off with you?”

Ben wrung his hands together, popping his knuckles, the question making him antsy. “No. But I have a feeling it’s coming.”

Han’s eyes roamed over the whole venue as he said, “No one likes being lied to. But you didn’t do it to be malicious, and if Rey truly cares about you, she’ll see that. She just needs to get over being mad at you first. And, of course, you need to beg for forgiveness. Like, lots of begging. Maybe buy her something really expensive.”

The corner of Ben’s mouth curved up slightly, recognizing that his dad was using humor to try to make him feel better, not to annoy him. “Yeah… maybe.”

The sounds of the race filled the silence between them, both men not sure what else they should say.

Han cleared his airway. “I should get going, give you kids some space to sort things out.” He handed the bag to Ben, who took it with gratitude.

Han began walking back to the parking area reserved for spectators – why it was closer than where the actual competitors had to park, Ben wasn’t sure – and stopped when Ben said, “Hey, dad? Thanks... for coming.”

The way his dad smiled at him was something Ben wasn’t used to. He could see how it came from deep inside to light Han’s eyes and spread to every part of him. It wasn’t just happiness, but joy.

Han grabbed his phone from his pocket, held it up sheepishly and asked, “Could we… maybe take a picture together real quick?”

“Oh.” Ben was caught off guard by such a request from his father. “Uh… sure. Okay.”

Han asked a random guy nearby to take the photo, handing over his phone. Ben wasn’t sure what to do, and it was clear Han had no idea how to pose either. Both men just stood side by side, giving a small smile. As the person counted to three, Han put an arm around Ben’s shoulders. Then it was over, the guy giving Han back his phone.

Han looked at the picture before holding it up for Ben to view it. He didn’t focus on himself, but rather his dad, how proud he looked in that snapshot of a moment. It was something Ben had wanted since he was a little boy.

“Could you send that to me?” Ben asked through a constricted throat.

The sound of his father texting was a series of _tip-tip-tips_ , followed by the swooshing sound of the message being sent rising from the device. Ben was itching to give the photo a closer look once he picked up Rey’s backpack from bag check, having placed it in there before the race had started. Should he go as far as frame it in his room? Maybe even the living room?

Such a notion was weird… but also nice.

“Look,” Han said carefully. “If you need someone to talk to later on, if you’re having a hard time… I’m just a phone call away.”

Ben nodded, not trusting his voice.

He watched his dad walk away till he could no longer see him through the crowd, a somberness washing over him. Looking back at the porta potty, Ben decided that putting off the inevitable was just a huge waste of time.

What was Rey thinking? What did she want to do? He wanted answers.

Only then would he know just how much he needed to grovel. Either way, it was going to be _a lot_.

()()()()()

Ben called out for Rey to stop, stop, stop, but she couldn’t stop. She had to get away.

She confined herself in one of those porta-loos – that’s how much she didn’t care about her surroundings. She just needed to be somewhere that offered privacy. Seeing how she was out in the middle of the woods, the only place with a door and a lock was one of the putrid orange stalls where people relieved themselves.

She rubbed her temples, a dull pain developing on the sides of her head that came and went in a pattern of every three heartbeats.

It was a thousand fucking degrees in that plastic box, the smell of the septic tank hard to ignore, and her head was pounding. And yet, she’d still rather be melting in there than outside… facing Ben.

The lying was what Rey had focused on at first. But then her thoughts quickly switched over to the fact that he'd had a heart transplant… and from there, she remembered the letter stuffed in the drawer of the desk in her den.

Oh, God… the _letter_. The one she received from the man who now had Poe’s heart. And now to find out Ben had gone through the exact same surgery as that person….

Ben could never know; he could never know how she had responded – that she had gone through the donor organization and told them she wanted nothing to do with the man. It had been her grief and anger that had made all the decisions back then. She had relied heavily upon those emotions to keep her afloat, unaware for so long that it was killing the person she used to be.

Rationally, she knew the recipient had absolutely nothing to do with Poe’s death. She _knew_ that. But the moment she opened that letter, she had blamed him for everything. Even now, a small part of her still did. It was like an emotional reflex.

And it was stupid. She was a stupid, horrible person who even after two years couldn’t get control of her own pain.

It only slightly helped to know that even in death, Poe had been selfless, saving those with mortal afflictions from bidding an early goodbye to their loved ones. But why did it have to be her brother? Why couldn’t someone save him? Why had Rey been forced to give him a premature sendoff?

But he had saved people…

But he had died…

But he was going to die anyways…

It was an endless cycle of buts and what-ifs and maybes, and Rey had no idea how to break free from it. God knows she tried, but with no success.

She closed her eyes, rubbed at her face, cradling her head in her hands.

It wasn’t like Ben was the one who sent her that letter. His situation was completely disconnected from hers, and should be treated as such.

Putting aside the whole fucked up situation with the donor recipient, Ben had _lied_ to her. Hadn’t even trusted her with the truth, thinking she would treat him differently. That cut deep, knowing Ben didn’t believe in her enough to be honest. Did that speak more of his character, or of hers? Had she given him a reason to be deceptive?

The longer she stood there, the more she began to look at the situation from his perspective. One part of what he said stood out to her the most:

_“I finally know what it’s like to live like everyone else… and I lied to you because I couldn’t bare for you to look at me like I wasn’t enough for you or that I was too much of a liability to be in your life. Because I just… I want to be with you.”_

Rey couldn’t fathom what it must be like for people to suffer from a chronic illness or the knowledge that one day, their body would give out on them. She’d always been healthy, taking for granted what her mind and muscles could do.

Fuck.

All Ben wanted was to be normal, to just be with her.

A jolt went through her body, an internal gasp. _What if he died from this?_ she asked herself. _What if his body started rejecting the heart and it killed him?_

Another person she loved would be gone. Forever.

Someone knocked lightly on the door.

“Come back with a warrant,” Rey snapped at them.

“Rey?” She was startled to hear Ben’s voice, and almost fell onto the toilet. Thankfully, she caught herself by fanning out her arms. “Are… you okay?”

 _Relative to what?_ she thought.

Her heart was telling her to end things with him in the name of self-preservation, but her head was fighting to stay with him because he was the best thing to happen to her life in a very long time. If she were to break off their relationship, she would be an absolute idiot. Not to mention a cruel human being… because she would be proving Ben right: that people treated him differently once they knew about his health history.

It was eerie how her perspective suddenly snapped into place, aligning with an incoming epiphany.

This was real life. This was it. This wasn’t a rehearsal; this wasn’t a pre-performance routine; this wasn’t a dry run. Everyone got one shot at living. That was all.

Rey took a deep breath.

With a trembling hand, she opened the door and stepped out into the humid air, the outdoors not doing much to evaporate the new coat of sweat from her skin.

Ben backed up, eyes having a tough time staying on her. He was still shirtless, crossing his arms over his chest as if he could hide the scar.

“Is this…” Ben began. He made a face, then added, “it for us? Are you done with me?”

Rey didn’t yell at him, but there was a hardness to her words that was difficult to miss. “First, let me make something quite clear to you: If I were to break up with you, it would be because you lied to me, not because you had a heart transplant. And no, I’m not breaking up with you.” Ben’s eyes went wide. “Does it hurt knowing you didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth? Yes. But I…” Her tone softened somewhat. “I get where you’re coming from. And second–”

With a hard determination, she walked right up to him... and hugged him. She tried squeezing her arms tighter, but couldn’t find enough purchase against his slick skin.

Caught off guard, it took Ben a few moments to reciprocate the embrace. Once he did, he crushed her against him, as if he were afraid that if he loosened his arms in the slightest, she would slip away.

“I’m glad you’re alive, Ben.” Rey said, voice thick with conviction. “I’m so fucking happy you’re here.”

His upper body jerked, as if his emotions were beating against his ribcage for release. “Me, too.”

Rey gave herself five more seconds of being close to him before rearing back and connecting a sharp punch to his shoulder. Ben rubbed the area, surprised by her sudden shift in mood. “Hey–”

“But I’m still fucking mad at you,” Rey said in exasperation. “Did I do something to make you think you had to keep this from me?”

“No. No, you never did anything. This is all on me. I was a coward and I… I was afraid you’d leave me.” Ben glanced around, seeing that they were drawing unwanted attention. “Could we talk about this away from the bathrooms?”

Rey stomped off toward the lining of the forest, stopping once a thicket of trees concealed them.

She looked at him expectantly. Ben shifted his weight from one leg to the other. “Okay, so… I guess I’ll start.”

Crossing her arms, Rey waited for him to continue. The pounding in her head, however, was gradually getting worse and becoming harder to ignore. But she really needed this conversation to happen.

Ben cleared his throat. “I am deeply, deeply sorry for lying to you,” he said ardently. “It was stupid and unnecessary and in the end, I was just being selfish. Part of me liked how you made me feel like a normal person, and I was scared of losing that.”

“But there’s no such thing as a normal person. Everyone is fucked up in some way or another.”

“I know that, but I’m not living other people’s lives, I’m living mine. It’s hard to look outside myself after being trapped in a body that’s been trying to kill me the majority of my life. I know it’s not an excuse, but… I’m just trying to give you an explanation.”

Ben went silent, watching her.

While Rey could tell he was being sincere, it was difficult to come to form a concrete response with the way her head was throbbing. The pain felt like someone had taken a knife to her skull. She rubbed at her temples, shutting her eyes, willing the pain to go away.

“Fuck, my head hurts,” she groaned.

Ben rummaged through the plastic bag he was holding, pulling out a red Gatorade. “Here. You’re probably dehydrated.” Rey took it and immediately started to drink, desperate for anything that might help alleviate the pain. “My dad brought us some drinks and snacks. You need liquids and electrolytes, or your headache will get worse.”

Plopping down on a nearby log, Rey gulped down the sweet drink, leaving not a drop behind. Ben handed her a protein bar, and while it wasn’t a burger, any form of sustenance was much appreciated and needed.

Ben didn’t say a word as she focused on dampening the headache.

“Thank you,” she said, glancing up at him.

“Feeling better?” he asked. She nodded. “We can stop by bag check to get your backpack and then head to the truck.” Rey almost groaned thinking about walking all the way back to the parking lot. That was like a hike in and of itself. “I’m sure you’ll be more comfortable at home.”

For a moment, like a split second, Rey thought he was talking about their home. But there was no ‘their home’, just separate his and hers. The disappointment she felt was apparent.

“Yeah, sounds good,” she said as she stood, the pounding in her head having lessened dramatically.

Ben didn’t know how to act with her, evidenced by the way he hesitated going for her hand, only to jump ship on that idea right before he touched her. He didn’t walk too close, nor did he get in front or behind her. He stayed right at the side, never encroaching on her personal space. They didn’t look like they were together, and Rey could see how other women certainly assumed that with how they sized him up.

It was irritating, but Ben without a shirt on? Even with the scar, he was a magnet for any woman with two working eyeballs. Rey could hardly blame them for staring. Now, if they were to touch, that would be a different story… one that ended with her going to jail.

Not all the looks were sexual in nature, though. Half of them were ogling at the reddish line spanning down Ben’s chest. If Rey had to choose, this type of staring was the one that bugged her the most.

She couldn’t imagine how Ben was handling it. His face was giving nothing away as to his inner emotions.

When they got to the front of the line, Ben unzipped his pocket and held out the weatherproof ticket with the bag number, but the guy working the station didn’t immediately take it.

“Holy shit, dude,” the guy said, eyes on Ben’s chest. “That’s one helluva scar. You must’ve almost died.”

The guy – young looking, most likely around twenty – looked at Ben with amazement, like surviving a life and death situation made him infinitely cooler or something. But the reason for the comment didn’t matter; the volcano deep within Rey’s gut had erupted, making her see red.

“Why would you say something like that to him?” It was as if Rey’s jarring tone had backhanded the guy across the face, stunning him. “Are you fucking blind? Can you not see that the scar is over his chest? Of course he almost fucking died, you fucking moron. But do you think he wants to be reminded of that by assholes like you?”

Everyone within earshot went quiet, froze, and stared at her. The guy was like a deer in the headlights, eyes peeled back, terror seeping into him the longer he stood there.

Ben touched her arm, muttering, “Rey–”

“No,” she cut him off, glancing up at him. “He shouldn’t be able to just blurt out the first thing that comes into his head and get away with it. He doesn’t know what you’ve been through.” Rey focused back on the guy with a murderous intensity. “You owe him an apology.”

Her demand snapped the guy out of his immobility. “I – I’m sorry, man. Shit, I didn’t mean to be rude. Honest.”

“It’s okay,” Ben said softly, even forming a little smile to diffuse the confrontation. He held out the ticket once again. “Just grab our bag, please.”

The guy was back in less than five seconds. Rey snatched the bag from his grasp and gave him one last heated glare before leaving.

()()()()()

“Un-fucking-believable,” Rey clipped out harshly. Ben kept up with her as they headed for the trail that led to the parking lot.

“It’s fine,” he said, when in fact, he didn’t feel fine. With no shirt and the grotesque scar down his chest on full display, he felt like a lobster in the lobby of a seafood restaurant.

“No, it isn’t. That guy was rude and he needed to know it. And why can’t anyone keep their eyes to themselves?” Rey questioned rather loudly, holding eye contact with a few select people and making them look away. “Like, they shouldn’t be so fucking obvious. Have they never seen a scar before?”

Ben glided a hand through his hair. “Probably not one like this.”

“And my God, you’d think some of these women want to have your babies or something by the way they’re staring at you. Jesus.”

Ben had zero idea how to respond to that.

Rey glanced up at him. “None of this bothers you?”

“The attention from women is… weird. I was always way too skinny for anyone to even glance in my direction.”

She was quiet for a moment. “I’m sorry, Ben. That must have been hard to have no one interested in you.”

His heart clenched at the memories of dejection. “It is what it is.”

“What about people who are looking at your scar?”

He gave her a one-shouldered shrug. “I mean, sure, I do feel self-conscious about _that_. But what am I going to do? Yell at every single person not to look at me or make a comment? I try to care more about the people who are actually in my life and what they think, rather than strangers. But… yeah, I’ll admit, it’s hard sometimes. I get too caught up in wondering what people are thinking about me.” They came upon a wide trail, a post off to the side pointing to the left and directing them to the where they needed to go.

“Just so you know, you’re the only woman I want any attention from. None of them compare to you. None of them are as beautiful and strong as you.” It was cute, watching her react to his compliments in a shy-like manner. Ben’s hand was strong, but cautious, shaking gently as he reached for her. “And thanks for defending me back there. You didn’t need to, and for future reference, you don’t need to... but I appreciate it.”

Their fingers intertwined, both holding steadfast. “I get very protective of the people I care about.”

“I’m one of those people?”

“Of course you are.” Ben’s heart was beating so strong, so strong for one person. _Ba-dum, I love you, ba-dum, I love you, ba-dum_ …. What good was the pump if he didn’t feel with it? Had he really only been using it to half its capacity all this time?

“I’m still annoyed about the lying,” Rey continued, “but I’m not angry. We’ve only known each other for a few weeks, and I get why you were scared to tell me. I’ll just need a little more time to get completely over it, if that’s okay?”

“Take all the time you need.” _Just stay with me_.

She flashed him a small smile, all lips and no teeth as she curled a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “And if I ever treat you differently, or if you feel like I do, I want you to know that it won’t be intentionally. But still, call me out on it. I… I really can’t imagine all you’ve been through, but you deserve to be just as happy in this relationship as I am.”

“You’re happy... with me?”

“I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.”

Ben chewed speculatively on his inner cheek. “I… Rey, listen, I’m so sorry–”

“You don’t need to apologize anymore, Ben.”

“No, I do.” He stopped them, desperation in his voice. “I’m sorry for how I acted after you ripped my shirt. I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. And I’m sorry for not being clear with you about there being swimming involved in the race. Because of me, you were stressed–”

She silenced him with both palms on his cheeks. “Ben. It’s okay. Really. Most people know how to swim, and anyone else would’ve assumed I could, too. What’s done is done. Let’s just focus on moving on together.”

Lowering her hand, his fingers fumbled over her knuckles before threading them through hers. “I’d like that. And thank you… for not ending things with me.”

They continued down the path. “Just no more lying. And just so you know, if you ever get short with me again,” Rey added, “for no good reason, I’ll beat your ass.”

“And I’d let you.”

Their eyes met, and they both grinned.

They didn’t say anything for a few minutes, walking with their hands in each others warm, easy clasp, not even caring about the sweat forming between their palms. There weren’t many people on the path, most still down at the venue celebrating. The seclusion allowed Ben to hear the hum of life all around them. In between stealing glances at Rey – he caught her looking at him more than a few times – his eyes went up to the canopy of trees, searching for the birds that sang so sweetly. The sun broke through the branches and leaves, lighting up the dirt path, decorated with dried leaves and overgrown roots and wildflowers.

“So…” Rey began to say.. “Since today seems to be the kind of day where we’re clearing the air, I should probably tell you that I’ve been lying to you, too.” Ben’s brows drew together in puzzlement. “I, uh... hate coffee. You make it for me all the time at your place and get me some at the zoo and I never actually drink any of it. I should’ve told you I couldn’t stand the stuff the first morning I woke up in your apartment, but I just couldn’t. Then time went on and it got more awkward to say something because you’ve given me, like, a dozen cups since then and… yeah. I kept digging my hole even deeper.”

Ben gasped, placing his free hand against his chest in a show of overly dramatic outrage. “I can’t believe you’d lie to me about something like that. How dare you. All that coffee wasted. I should report you to the coffee police.”

“I know. I’m a horrible person. You gonna break up with me for it?”

“I’ll cut you some slack this time” He gave her a nudge, eliciting one of her dimpled smiles. “But for future reference, what do you like to drink?”

“Earl grey with a splash of milk and vanilla.”

“Gotta admit, I’m not a tea drinker.”

“I noticed.” He glanced at her questioningly. “No kettle.”

“Well, now I have a reason to buy one.”

They got closer as they walked, shoulder to shoulder. Well, more like Ben’s bicep to Rey’s shoulder. “You know,” Rey said, “this whole I’ve-never-been-in-a-relationship thing makes a lot more sense now that I know you were sick for a very long time.”

It was like an electric shock went through Ben’s body, Rey’s comment bringing to the surface the fact that he had never been with a woman. Should he say something? Confess?

All the reasons not to do it came flooding into his mind, as if his body chemistry was fighting off the impending humiliation. It was a soft panic that could grow or lessen depending on what he did next. It would fade if he didn’t say anything, but he’d be confronted with the problem of fessing up again another time. Or he could do as Rey had told him, which was not to keep things from her.

He breathed in real slow, deciding he’d be the boss over his own fate this time around.

“And that’s just the tip of the iceberg,” he heard himself saying. Rey craned her head up. He looked down, throat contracting as he swallowed. “If you want full transparency–”

“I do.”

“–then you should know I’ve never slept with anyone, either.”

Rey halted so suddenly, their hands parted. Standing there, she blinked as if she were translating the English in her head letter by letter. “Ah… what?”

Annnnd here we go.

Ben scratched at his arm, and then crossed them over his chest, eye’s downcast. Going off of the notion of in-for-a-penny, in-for-a-pound, he said, “I was too sick to actually have sex, and… shit, it’s embarrassing, but I, uh, couldn’t get an erection till after the transplant,” he said, voice tapering off into a whisper. “My heart caused a lot of blood flow issues… some more humiliating than others.”

“You’re a virgin,” she stated in disbelief.

“Is that… okay?”

A sharp puff of air came out of her lungs. “Okay? Why wouldn’t it be okay?”

“You know…” He glanced around, finding them to be alone for the time being. “I don’t have any experience. I’ve never done anything sexual with anyone else except you.”

Her hazel eyes were searching his face as though she were looking for a tell in his expression. She wouldn’t find one, cause he sure as hell wouldn’t lie about something like this.

Rey briefly covered her mouth with her hand. “Holy shit. I’m your first everything, aren’t I? The blowjob I gave you–”

“Never had one till then.”

“Seeing me naked–”

“You're the first naked woman I’ve ever seen in person.”

Ben pulled a hand through his hair. Shifted his weight back and forth. Wondered if Rey had experienced too many shocks over such a short period of time that her mind had shut down.

But then she started to move, fanning at her face with both hands, pacing. She breathed as if her lungs were having a hard time processing the oxygen.

Ben neared her, concerned. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” she breathed out. “I mean, if you had had sex with other women before me, that would’ve been fine. I assumed you had anyway. We’re all adults here. We all need companionship. But to know that you haven’t… that I’ll be your first… there’s something special about it that I, like, can’t wrap my head around for some reason. ”

“Oh.” Relief flooded into him knowing she didn’t think him inadequate. But – “Then why do you look like your freaking out?”

Her hands went to her hips. “It’s just a lot of responsibility, you know? Like, your basically having this sexual awakening that you should’ve had in your teens and twenties, and I don’t want to mess it up for you.”

He shook his head, voice dropping an octave. “Not possible. The things we’ve done so far have been amazing.”

Rey stopped moving. “And you want to _be_ with me? Like, for your first time?”

Ben was right in front of her now, towering, fingers gently moving up and down her arms. His touch coaxed shivers out of Rey. “I thought I’ve made that quite clear.”

“And the reason you wanted to wait was because I would’ve seen your scar?” He did a curt nod. “But now I know.”

“Now you know.”

“And we both want to be with each other,” she stated more than questioned.

“Looks that way.”

“And nothing is stopping us anymore.”

“I guess not.”

He looked at this beautiful woman, all his, his Rey, noticing the way her eyelids lowered, desire so very evident in her blown pupils. The effect she had one Ben was instantaneous, his body flaring in response, a singular sexual impulse thickening his blood, expanding his muscles.

Expanding other places, too.

“So…” He kept his voice way down. “When would you like to–”

“Now.”

His head flinched back. “Now? You – you want to have sex in the woods?”

Rey chuckled. “No, sorry, that came out too quick. I meant now, as in when we get back to your place. And after we take a shower.” She flattened her palms against his chest, her chin arching up just an inch. “Then, we’ll do... whatever you want.”

Plump lips pressed against his, and he immediately kissed her back. His lips were chapped and he was covered in a thick coat of sweat and there were probably people walking by and staring at them making out, but none of it mattered. All he could focus on was the liquid warmth spreading throughout his bloodstream.

Just as Rey arched her body against his, right before he got lost in the euphoric bliss of tasting her, Ben drew back. Hands on her shoulders, he twirled her around, bent down, and hoisted her into the air on his shoulders. Rey yelled out his name as she grabbed at his hair, trying to find her balance.

Holding tightly to her ankles, he bound across the trail, Rey bursting into a loud harsh cackle of laughter. “You need to conserve whatever strength you have left for later,” he told her.

People gave them curious looks as Ben ran past them, Rey’s arms in the air and proclaiming she was flying.

But Ben didn’t care what others thought of them. As far as he was concerned, he’d won first place that day, and he was the one going home with the grand prize.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cue some sexy time music! lol
> 
> But before we get to some smutty action, they do talk a little more. As things start to sink in for Rey, and the reality of Ben's condition really hits her, she will have more questions and she will need some assurances from him. When writing this, I approached it kind of from the position of how I react to shocking news. I'm surprised at first, then talk myself into believing everything is ok... then when everything sinks in, I kind of panic. Rey has yet to have everything sink in properly. They also air out their feelings a lot more towards one another next update. I know there wasn't a lot of that this chapter, but Ben will express more properly his feelings for Rey.
> 
> Also, I am going to be on vacation to Singapore from August 1-11 and am not sure how much writing I will be able to get done. The plane flight is 17 hours (pray for me), so I can definitely write on the plane. So next update ETA is unknown. I will try my best to get it done sooner rather than later!
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the chapter!


	16. The Next Step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey realizes just how close to death Ben actually was, they have some fun in the sheets, and confessions are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this update took longer than I thought to get out. But better late than never, right? Thank you all who reviewed last chapter or left kudos. Knowing people are enjoying this story helps me to keep writing!
> 
> And warning, I hope you guys like smut because that's what this chapter is. I'm not very good at writing smut, but hey, I tried!

True to Ben's word, he stopped to buy Rey a burger.

Both of them made quick work of their meals, ravenous from expending so much energy from the race. Especially Ben, apparently. He ate four chicken avocado wraps, three bags of apple slices, and downed two bottles of whole milk. Rey knew he could eat a lot; he usually did whenever they had meals together. But he never packed away this much in one sitting.

How he maintained his huge build was now making more and more sense.

And holy mother of estrogen, Rey really wanted to appreciate those muscles.

Throughout the whole journey back to his condo, there was an unspoken sexual tension hanging in the air around them, a silent countdown to an inevitable event. Which was why when Rey asked him to stop by her place so she could pack an overnight bag and pick up BB from her neighbors, he didn't ask why.

They both knew where the evening was headed.

After they showered, of course. Wanting to get to Ben's place as quick as possible, Rey had chosen to skip taking a shower at her brownstone… so she could have shower time at Ben's.

Sometimes, you just needed to take fate into your own hands.

Even though Rey wished for nothing more than to make time go by faster, the traveling had been good for one thing: Ben had been able to get Rey up to speed about certain events regarding his family.

In the lift up to his floor, Rey looked at him incredulously. "Your dad seriously hid the fact he had a stroke from you?"

Rey might not know much about being part of a family, but she figured you didn't hide things like _that_ from any of them.

Ben held BB in his left arm, mindlessly scratching behind the dog's ears. He was still shirtless, much to Rey's delight. It was nice to see that with each passing minute, Ben was becoming more and more confident in his own skin. Some had stared when they stopped to eat at McDonald's, but fortunately, no one had said anything.

Honestly, most of the looks were of the checking-out variety.

"It was so soon after the transplant," Ben explained. "He said he didn't want me to worry about him, that I should focus on my own recovery instead."

That chipped away at some of her frustration toward Ben's dad. "Well... I guess his intentions weren't completely horrible, but still, he should've told you when you started getting better."

"Technically, my mom was the one who told me. If he had his way, I probably still wouldn't know."

Rey stared at him for a long moment, then shifted her eyes to the floor panel. "Huh."

"What?"

"Nothing…." Rey said. Ben arched a brow. "It's just... both of you were keeping secrets from the people you purport to care about." She gave him some side eye, a tinge of sarcasm to her tone. "Must be genetic or something."

Ben gave out a soft snort. "If it's genetic, then can I put some of the blame on my dad for me lying to you?"

Rey made a show of thinking it over. "Maybe, like, five percent."

The lift slowed. Ben smiled. "I'll take what I can get."

There was a ding, the double doors opening from the middle.

They walked down the hall, side by side. It felt so normal, natural. As if she'd been striding next to him for years. Her whole life.

"So… is there anything I need to know about dating someone who's had a heart transplant?" Rey asked. "I know you said you just want to be like everyone else, but I don't want to accidentally do something I shouldn't or say something that comes off as ignorant."

"I get that, and I don't mind you asking. Don't think you need to walk on eggshells around me." As they stopped at his door, Rey fished out his keys from her backpack and handed them over. "You can ask me whatever you want at anytime." He unlocked the door. "But for the most part, as general as it sounds, I just try to live a healthy lifestyle."

He let Rey into the condo first. She stopped a few steps in. "My eating habits and takeout preferences probably aren't helping."

Ben chuckled through his nose. "You actually have great taste when it comes to takeout." He crossed the living room, putting BB down in his usual spot between the wall and sofa. "Now, if you were wanting to eat McDonald's every day… that might be a little rough for me. Burgers and fries are a great temptation of mine."

Rey placed her overnight bag on the couch and went to the kitchen. "Stay away from Mickey D's from now on. Got it."

"I'm not saying you can never eat there–"

Rey grabbed a glass cup from the cabinet above the dishwasher. "Hey, if you need to stick to the course of eating a healthy, well balanced diet, then I can make some changes in my habits."

In quick, long strides, Ben came to a stop on the other side of the kitchen island. "You don't have to."

"I want to," Rey insisted, tone hinting that this wasn't up for discussion. "Anything else I should know?"

Ben stared at her for a moment, as if considering whether to fight her on the subject. He sighed and answered her question instead. "Because of the medications I'm on, I'm more susceptible to getting sick. My immune system needs to be lowered so it doesn't attack the transplant."

That explains all the hand sanitizer.

Rey gulped down some water, wiping at her mouth with the back of her hand. "How much medication do you take?"

Ben's eyes fell upon the part of the kitchen island she was leaning against. He came around, moving her gently out of the way, opening a drawer. Stuffed all the way in the back, he took out a pill organizer, one of those larger ones that she thought only elderly people used. Each day of the week had two slots, as well as the top row labeled with a sun and the bottom with a crescent moon.

The plastic boxes were filled to the capacity with medication, a variety of sizes and colors.

Ben handed it to her. Rey placed her glass on the counter and took it. It was heavier than she thought it would be, but she figured that the weight was fitting since she was holding Ben's lifeline in her hands.

"You really have to take all these pills?" she asked, voice just above a whisper.

"Twice a day, everyday, for the rest of my life. But hey, it's a small price to pay to be alive."

_To be alive._

Rey's knuckles whitened as her grip tightened. This was all just so real. "Do you have any pictures from before you got the transplant? Could I maybe see them?"

For a few moments, Ben was stiff, seeming to think it over. She was about to take back her request, but then he spoke. "I do have a few that were taken the day before the surgery. Finn took them while I was sleeping, but… I don't know if you should see them."

"Why not?"

"I wasn't exaggerating when I said I was skin and bone." Ben smiled a sad smile, then got serious. "The pictures… I look so different now."

"I'd still like to see them, if that's all right?"

Ben hesitated before pulling out his phone from his pocket, thumb swiping across the screen. His jaw tightened as he replaced the pill organizer in her hands with the device.

Rey choked back her next breath and bit down on her tongue. The picture had been taken at the base of a hospital bed, Finn having raised the phone as high as he could to get Ben's body from the waist up in frame.

It was Ben, Rey could tell by the facial outline and the hair. But everything else about him was just… wrong. Colorless skin, protruding cheekbones, sunken eyes – even the bones of his arms and hands could be seen with crystal clarity.

He was a corpse, that white hospital bed his grave, the headboard a tombstone.

"I'm not sure why I keep them, to be honest." Ben ran a hand through his hair. "But every time I've gone to delete them, I couldn't. I don't know ..."

Rey placed the phone on the counter, the picture still on the screen. Not like she needed to keep inspecting it; it was already copied into her grey matter.

"You really almost died," she said in a rough voice. "I mean, I know you told me, but…. You really almost died."

When she looked at him, he lifted his gaze from the phone, brown eyes meeting hazel. "But I didn't," he told her.

In the silence that stretched out between them, she tried to memorize everything about him, from the soft waves of his incredible hair to his strong, handsome face, from his rosy lips down to his long collarbone, holding up his broad shoulders and heavy chest.

Like a crowbar working its way to crack open her lockbox of fears, her anxiety wedged it wide open, letting it seep into her eyes, her features, her voice.

"What if something happens to you?" Rey questioned, throat convulsing on the last syllable. "What if… what if your meds stop working or your heart just stops beating–"

Heavy hands found her shoulders. "Rey, none of that will happen."

Rey glanced at the phone. The screen had gone dark. This was quickly turning into one of those rare moments where she truly and completely felt vulnerable, its origin starting from a very deep neglected part of her, the part that needed to belong. To feel wanted and loved and safe. The rarity of it all made everything feel more emotionally potent.

Shaking her head back and forth, back and forth, Rey said, "You can't leave me like that, do you understand? Everyone in my life has died and… and you… you can't leave me like they did.

"I won't. I promise." And Ben believed it. Rey could tell. Eyes alight with conviction, it was like no matter what obstacles came Ben's way, he'd ram right through them without a sliver a hesitation. All in an effort to stay with her.

Rey rubbed her lips together, heart hammering with deep thuds.

They both spoke at the same time.

Rey: "I'm in love with you–"

Ben: "I know this is a lot–"

In another shot of synchronization, they went quiet together. Just for a moment.

"I love you." The words left Rey's lips before Ben had time to respond. She grabbed his hands from her shoulders, bringing them down between them, holding on tight. "I love you, Ben. So you… you gotta know that when I say nothing can ever happen to you, I mean it. So fucking much. I've never felt this way about anyone in my entire life. And I know we've only known each other for a short while, but I can't stop myself from feeling how I feel. You're just… you're so beautiful and kind and patient and being around you is like I'm living again... as if most my life I've been isolated in a doorless room – a windowless room. But then you came along and tore down everything and I could finally fucking breathe again. And I've wanted to breathe for so long. I've been–"

Ben kissed her. Deep and long. It wasn't like the ones you saw in a TV show or PG-13 movie, but one steeped in a passion that truly ignited. It was a promise of realness and a primal desire and a connection that lived in them both. And with it he told her he wasn't going anywhere.

As their lips slowed, the moment winding down, Ben's hands cradled her head with gentleness, resting his forehead against hers. Both their breaths were shaking.

"I love you," he said, barely above a whisper. "I've loved you within days of first meeting you. I always will."

Tears burst forth like rain from a storm, sobs escaping Rey's mouth before she could stop them. Ben held her against his chest, his musky scent and smell of sweat mixing in her nose. There was a static in her head once again, a side effect of the constant fear and the constant stress of ending up completely isolated. Even with Ben's love, it was a possibility. And then where would she be?

Losing someone left no outward scars, no bones that were broken, no blemishes on the skin, no deformities that were permanent. But the destructiveness of loss was worse than any physical injury.

The heart was a delicate, definitive instrument in any person's life, capable of reshaping ones entire existence in just a single cataclysmic incident.

If it took too many blows? Most people ended up desolate. Rey was nearly there. She couldn't take another person's death. She just didn't have it in her.

Still in the throws of her emotions, she looked up at Ben through semi-blurred vision. She found him staring at her. It struck her just how strong he had to have been to make it out the other side of all he'd gone through.

Their individual hardships had been different, but they had ended up in the same place, recovering from everything fate had thrown at them.

Survivors.

"Let's get you cleaned up," he said reverently. His thumbs stroked over her cheek, the gleam of her tears on the pads catching the light.

Rey nodded, chin trembling.

Ben guided her to his ensuite, leaving her to stand next to the sink as he turned on the shower. It had two shower heads, one at each end. Ben stretched his hand under the water, waiting for it to be the optimal temperature.

Rey's eyes kept dripping with tears as she undressed, getting completely naked. Ben turned, an apparent bulge in his shorts as he worked his jaw and took in her face, her breasts, the slit situated between her legs. Licks of heat scored Rey's inner thighs and core.

"Are you going to" –she hiccuped– "join me?"

"You want me to?"

She nodded, again.

Ben toe-heeled his shoes off, the socks going next, and then the shorts. His cock sprang to attention, pointing right at her, knowing what it wanted.

Ben grabbed her hand and helped her inside. The effect of the hot water was instantaneous, melting away the tension in her shoulders and neck. Closing her eyes, a long breath escaped her lungs.

Something touched her thigh and traveled down to her shin. Kneeling, Ben had lathered a loofa, working it across her skin with long, strong strokes. He cleaned her in silence, dirt mixing in with the soap and water that flowed down the drain.

When he got to her hair, massaging in a good amount of her floral scented shampoo, her walls, the walls that had held her up and made her strong… collapsed. Second by second, they crumbled completely. Salty drops fell from her eyes and got lost in the pressurized spray.

Ben moved onto the conditioner, and by the time he was rinsing her softened tresses, Rey was shaking from the effort of holding back another round of becoming a blubbering mess.

The shaking was obvious. Ben wrapped his arms around her from behind. Rey cried into her hands. It was raw, everything, raw tears, raw emotions. She couldn't stop… she couldn't stop. Why couldn't she stop?

"Because you know you don't need to be alone anymore," Ben said, Rey having voiced her question out loud without realizing it.

Nothing else was said as Ben held her for a little while longer, the humid air swirling around them in disjointed strokes. With his help, Rey was able to calm down.

Ben made quick work of getting himself clean, Rey looking up and down his magnificent body. It was when he tilted his head back, washing out his conditioner that she couldn't keep her hands to herself anymore.

She palmed his cock, gave him a tug. God, he was big, and hard. Everywhere.

Ben inhaled a hiss, his stare going right to hers. The mood between them shifted, that ember from a banked fire coming to life, the sexual attraction resurfacing from being put on pause because it never actually left. With her emotional spiral under control and the fact they were alone together, naked, warm, Rey was keenly aware of her own body's wants… and his.

Touching him like this, being close, it was nothing new. But seeing how it was the preamble to something more, something deeper, Ben was so hesitant…. so endearingly unsure of how to proceed… that she wanted to hug him.

But first – "Kiss me," Rey told him, tilting her head up.

Ben palmed her rear and gently lifted her, skin on skin as she wrapped her legs around him. Everything was slick, but Ben was strong, holding her solidly so she didn't even move an inch.

Now at eye level, he kissed her.

And wow… his lips were like velvet, moving against her own, reminding her of sultry summer nights and heated sunsets on an August evening. But what she would usually label as sweet contact, she couldn't. This big man, this enormous body… trembled. He was holding himself in strict control, bound down, jailed and barring what she knew was inside of him.

Ben turned off the shower and opened the glass door. Perching her on his arm, he grabbed a large towel from the rack, fumbling to dry them both off one-handed and lips occupied.

Only halfway dry, he tossed the towel and muttered, "Fuck it."

He was moving. Rey guessed to the bed. She was right. He laid her down with delicate ease, lips leaving hers and trailing down her neck, appreciating both her breasts, going down her stomach.

Ben tugged her by the ankles to the edge of the bed. He was kneeling on the floor as he spread her legs wide. Rey was wet, and not from the shower.

"You don't have–"

"I want to," he cut her off, eyes never leaving her glimmering sex. His tongue did a hungry swipe across his lips. "I need this. More than anything."

Well, God forbid Rey got in the way of this man's needs.

With both hands beneath her bottom, Ben raised her up and licked her, lips to clit, over and over, getting all of her wetness. Rey's head was swirling, swimming, the feel of his tongue on her overwhelming, like nothing, nothing she'd ever had, like nothing could ever have been, but so good. She needed more, desperately.

"Finger me… like I taught you."

His mouth covered her clit, sucking and swirling his tongue as he slid two, long fingers inside her, curling and massaging just the way she liked it.

Ben was huge between her legs, his broad shoulders stretching her wide. Rey threw her head back and thrust her hands deep within his damp hair, her legs parting even more to accommodate him. He moaned, the vibrations going right through her, the sounds of him lapping at her making her more and more wet.

It was no surprise when he picked up speed. Being his first time, Rey had been expecting it.

"Slow down a little bit." Ben did as she requested. "Keeping the same pace is all you need to do," she explained, breathless. "Yeah, like that. Yeah…"

She was on the brink. She was almost there.

Lips meeting lips, slippery tongue against slick folds, Rey fragmented apart, a wave of energy crashing down all over her. Her body rhythmically surged, her inner walls contracting and pulsating around his fingers.

Rey went limp in one last explosion of breath, her toes and hands tingling in bliss.

Ben stopped just as it was about to be too much, lifting his head, taking one last prolonged upstroke before flicking free of her clit. Rey palmed his cheek.

His head tilted against her touch. "Sorry I'm not really good at–"

"You were great," Rey cut him off, the praise lighting up his eyes. "All of it… was amazing."

He crawled up her body, covering her, shrouding her in the shawl of his skin. It felt like armor, his strength seeping into her own.

 _Will my heart be safe with him_ , she asked herself as their lips met.

From what she had experienced thus far, Ben knew how to take care of her, look after her, made sure she was as comfortable in this life as possible. His actions really had been an expression of love before the words were ever even uttered.

Could a person stretch themselves well beyond the parameters of their own heart?

Unbeknownst to Rey, the answer to that question would soon be upon her.

()()()()()

Ben's cock was hard, had been raging throughout the entire process of devouring Rey's pussy. He had started out slow, so very slow. And long, long pulls. Unhurried. The taste of her had been of earth and life, potent and heady and addicting. He needed more, needed to live out the rest of his life with his lips on her cunt and his ears listening to her moans.

But his cock eagerly wanted in on the action, wanting a turn.

He was looming over her now, nestled in between her legs. She brought his lips down to hers, claiming his with such a strike of possessiveness that it left him teetering.

Rubbing against her inner thigh, he made his way to her swollen entrance, the head-

Rey pushed at his shoulders. Ben immediately took that as a stop-what-you're-doing. But when she just kept on pushing, he realized she wanted him on his back, not to stop what they were doing altogether.

He obliged.

At his side, Rey said rather breathlessly, "Sit up against the headboard."

Ben scooted back, spine straight, colliding with the headboard quickly. She was on him before he could even blink. And dearest God above, the feel of her: Her body flush against his own, straddling him, her mouth moving with his as if they were made to do so. He splayed his hands on her back, her skin like the finest silk, the sinew muscles beneath a testament to her strength.

Rey kept rubbing her fingers through his hair, scratching his scalp, eliciting shivers across his nervous system.

"I need you inside me," she demanded. Almost whined.

Her hand found his erection, raising herself up onto her knees and situating him right at her–

She sat down. Taking all of him in. All the way to the hilt.

They both cried out in unison. He slid deep, so fucking deep. And she was tight, tighter than a fist. And her heat, it was like liquid fire. It was… the pleasure was not even in the same universe of what his own hand had ever given him.

Palms on both her ass cheeks, he lifted her up, then back down. And up. And in. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Everything was so warm and slippery and tight. Rey straightened some more, cradling his head and leading his mouth down to her chest.

Her nipples were small and pink and very perfect.

Rey arched, offering herself up for consumption. Her fingers dug deeper into his hair, urging him on. He devoured one of those tight buds, pulling gently, suckling, keeping her movements on his cock at a steady rhythm.

"Harder," she ordered. He took her in sharply, nipping. Rey gasped, jaw slackening.

They kept all of that up for what seemed like centuries. A millennia.

"I'm getting close," she told him. "Are you?"

"Mmm-hmm," he hummed, not wanting to unlatch from her.

"Then fuck me like you want to come," Rey ordered.

God, he wanted to. And yet, he held back, keeping himself in check. The things he wanted to do to her frightened him a bit: fantasies of getting rough, taking control, filling her up and fucking her over and over again until he leaked out of her in rivers of cum. He'd eat her cunt till she couldn't remember how to speak, tie her up and make her beg him for her release.

Shit.

No.

He couldn't do those things. He couldn't degrade her like that.

Rey rode him with haste, his hips bucking up to meet her thrust for thrust. They both were sweating, panting, grunting.

Rey lifted him away from her breast and then they were mouth-to-mouth, tongues delving inside and his cock deep in her cunt.

He pinned her to the bed in one swift movement, her legs parting wide to accommodate the girth of him. With their height difference more apparent, making out was no longer doable, her face coming to about his neck. But she sucked at the sensitive skin there, nails digging into his back, urging him to keep fucking her.

It felt like she was marking him.

Good.

Ben's lower body wanted to piston right into her, but while his penetrations were hard and fast, they didn't get into jackrabbit territory.

He rode her like an animal, but an animal was some semblance of control.

When Rey came, he was aware of every pulse, every contraction working his cock. Seconds later, his own orgasm hit him like a ton of bricks, throwing him down a chasm of pleasure that he would willingly jump back into again and again and again. He didn't want there to be an escape; he just wanted it to swallow him whole.

As they both came down from the high, panting, minds coming back to reality, Ben wished he had lasted longer. How long was that? Ten, maybe twelve minutes? But when he was eating her out and filling her up with his cock, it was a given that he would fall apart quickly. And you know what, it was difficult to say he regretted a thing.

How could he?

He'd never known that the mere act of having sex with someone you loved could be this intense, this powerful. This… together.

He rolled them over, Rey splayed out on top of him, her cheek resting against his chest. With lazy fingers, Ben played with her damp hair, his other hand brushing up and down her spine.

It was hard to say how long they stayed like that. His cock was still hard and inside her, like the thing was intent on making up for a lot of lost time.

Rey moved. Or tried to. Ben kept her glued to him.

"Ben," Rey said once she realized he wasn't going to let her go. "I need to go to the washroom."

"No." He sounded like a petulant child

Rey craned her head up, chin resting on his sternum. "Ben…."

"You're not allowed to get off of me."

"Never?"

"Never."

Her light laugh made his cock twitch. "Am I supposed to live out the rest of my life connected to your dick?"

"Yes."

"Might be awkward when we go to work and I'm still attached to you."

"I don't care."

"People will talk."

"Only because they're jealous that I get to fuck the hottest, sexiest woman on the planet."

Her finger touched the middle of his forehead and curved all the way down to the tip of his nose, giving him a little bop. "You're cute."

He sat up so fast, Rey yelped and grabbed at his shoulders, trying to maintain balance as she straddled him. Burying his face in her breasts, he nuzzled, moaning. He did a string of thrusts, Rey gasping with each one. His eyes stayed on her chest.

"I like watching your boobs bounce," he told her. "Mmmm… and I'm gonna eat your pussy whenever I want. Never deny me of that."

"I won't," she said automatically, already losing herself in the feel of him.

They went another round in that position, both finding their climax. A light sheen of sweat on both of them by the time their hearts slowed and their breaths evened.

"Sitting on your cock is quickly becoming my favorite activity," Rey said, her head resting on his shoulder. Ben could hear the smile in her voice.

"I think you'd also enjoy sitting on my face."

She kissed his neck gently, her lips caressing along his skin. "I might smother you if I do that. I get really into it."

"Dying by pussy smothering seems like the perfect way to go."

Rey tensed. Stopped what she was doing. It was only for a second, her quick recovery coming in the form of her leaning back and smiling at him, appearing unbothered.

But Ben had noticed her reaction at the mere mention of him dying, even if it was a joke. It wasn't enough to take them out of the moment; Rey's eyes were still so full of wonder and heat. There was just a touch of reality to them now.

"How does it feel to no longer be a virgin?" she asked.

"Like all I want to do is have sex all day, every day with you. I don't think I can ever get my fill of you, to be honest. You're just... everything about you is amazing."

Rey's grin was shy and sweet. "With your permission, I'd like to use the washroom now."

Ben huffed, making a show of being annoyed. "I guess I'll allow it." Rey gave him a peck on the lips, lingering just a moment too long.

The loss of her warmth was unacceptable, and he whined with disapproval. Rolling to his side, Ben watched Rey scamper to the bathroom naked. Her peach-shaped ass, long legs, lean muscles, the glistening of his cum gliding down her inner thighs – it all made him drool. He bit his lower lip as a blast of pure erotic heat lashed through him like a solar flare, as if Rey was the sun and he was caught in her orbit.

 _Be still my cock,_ Ben thought.

"God, you're so fucking perfect," he told her, voice almost breathless.

Rey chuckled, disappearing into the bathroom. "You only think that because you haven't been with any other women."

"And I don't need to."

"Maybe someday you'll want to."

Ben's brows creased in confusion, and maybe, just a bit of concern. "I have everything I'll ever want and need with you."

"You think that now, but–"

"No, Rey. I know it." There was a pause, then he heard the toilet flush. Her tone came off so nonchalant, but when she came back in the room, Ben could see in the strain of her eyes that this particular topic distressed her.

He twisted his body so he could lay against the pillows, beckoning Rey with an outstretched hand to join him. She did. Ben pulled her into him, back to chest, wrapping her in his arms.

"You're worth more than just sex to me," he said next to her ear. "This relationship goes deeper than just fucking each other, and I think you know that."

"I do," she uttered, voice edged.

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Then why the self doubt? Isn't that supposed to be my job?"

She smacked his forearm, but with no real strength behind it. "No… it's just, I'm human too, you know." Rey sighed roughly as she paused. "I get self conscious and scared thinking that one day, you might resent me once you realize you haven't had more experiences."

"More experiences? Like fucking other women?"

"Well… yeah," she said in a low voice.

Ben blinked once. Twice. And tightened his hold on Rey. "I don't want to be with anyone else but you. I need you to believe that. But if that's hard for you to do, then I guess I'll have to prove it to you over time. Ten years from now, you're still gonna be the only woman for me. You'll see."

Rey tilted her head ever so slightly, as if she could catch a glimpse of him from over her shoulder. "You want us to be together in ten years?"

Ben took a deep breath. "To be honest, I'm shooting for the whole till-death-do-us-part thing." He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to tame the sudden rush of anxiety. "And I know it's way too fast for me to say that and it probably scares you, but I told myself I'd be honest with you. So… yeah… that's kind of where I'm at right now. That's kind of my game plan."

Ben waited for a response, his panic rising as the silence stretched on and on.

Rey didn't make him wait too long. "I could get behind a plan like that."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Cue that blush. Oh, yes, that lovely blush of hers painting across her cheek and ear.

She kissed his forearm, lips lingering.

The deep sigh of relaxation Rey let out made him feel as tall as a skyscraper, and as strong as a dung beetle. Yes, he knew the saying usually went "as strong as an ox", but when he found out during vet school that the dung beetle was not only the world's strongest insect, but also the strongest animal on the planet compared to body weight, he changed the saying to be more factually correct.

Those little guys were so under appreciated, the least he could do was put their name where it was merited. People didn't know that without the beetles burying and recycling animal excrement, the fly population would skyrocket and get out of control. Before the African dung beetle had been introduced to Australia, they had an overwhelming fly prob–

The tiniest of snores came from Rey, pulling him from his thoughts.

Ben smiled.

It had been a very long day. He didn't hold it against her for dozing off.

With the gentle hum from the air conditioning creating the most perfect white noise, Rey muttered something in her sleep. Then she twisted and turned and nestled against him, head on his chest and leg positioned across his hip. He wrapped them in the comforter they were laying on as best he could, making sure Rey was mostly covered up.

Everything about the moment made Ben giddy: the smell of her hair, the way her body perfectly fit with his, a peace settling around them that made him never want to get out of that bed.

He wanted to stay in this bubble together, protecting her from her memories of marrow-splitting grief and from the reminder of his health problems.

As he stared down into her face, he couldn't help but feel like he could relate to some of Rey's pain. He knew, on some level, the agony over the burden of loss. Sure, not to the same degree, but certainly the sadness and confusion that came with having your world turned upside down in a split second and you had no clue if you would be greeted with a safe landing.

She deserved more than just him. She deserved a family.

Ben didn't want to move to get his phone from his shorts in the bathroom. Rey looked so content sleeping on him. He didn't have it in him to stir her awake.

He grabbed his apple watch from the bedside table, choosing not to wear it during the race in fear that it would break. With his large fingers and a little patience, he somehow composed a text to his dad asking to set up a time for dinner. The sooner, the better.

**From Dad:**

_Next Saturday will work. We can have it at your mother's. You bringing a plus one?_

Rey let out a loud snore, almost waking herself up. She smacked her tongue against the roof of her mouth, wiggling a bit before going still.

Was there a more profound word for love? Ben had a feeling he was gonna need it soon.

**To Dad:**

_Next Saturday it is. And yes, I'm bringing Rey._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, Ben has officially been deflowered. They have confessed that they love each other. Ben wants to give her a family through the aid of his own. What could go wrong?
> 
> Not sure when the next update will be. I'm going back to school and the semester starts tomorrow, which will take up a lot of my time. Hopefully, being 29 is not too young to try and graduate. I am sorry for slowing down the chapters, but I need to get good grades. lol. But I will finish this story, I promise. I'm thinking there is maybe five chapters left till we get to the ending I envision.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	17. Dinner With a Revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner with Ben's parents begins, things are revealed that changes Rey's past, and she wonders if fate is, in fact, real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a hot minute, hasn't it? But I have an update for all you fabulous Reylos! School has brought about new challenges for me, but I find myself still writing as an outlet from all the stress. I've also started a new story, The Way We Breathe, and if you haven't checked it out yet, go on over to my page and give it a read! 
> 
> This chapter hasn't been read by my beta yet, so I apologize for any mistakes!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: there is talk of human trafficking and Rey reminisces on her past with Unkar. The worst she was subjected to under his care when it came to stuff like that was sitting on the laps of the men who came to do business with Unkar, clothes were kept on. But still, it's horrible for a child to go through. Rey thinks about it a bit in this chapter, but it's very short.
> 
> This chapter has a lot of information being dropped in it, so there is a good amount of talking. I'd say a lot of this chapter focuses on Rey. Hope you don't mind!
> 
> Also, I've been trying my hand at creating mood boards lately. Still have no idea what I'm doing and I'm not sure what looks good aesthetically, but hey, it's fun to do! I'm gonna try to do one for each chapter. We'll see how it goes!

Dinner was always a joyous occasion for Rey, ending the day with stuffing her belly full of delicious food, content that she had a meal.

Those years with Unkar… she would sometimes go days without eating. There was Unkar’s food – which she was never allowed to eat – and then there was her food, the measly portions allocated to the lower shelf in the pantry. Whatever Unkar put there was hers.

The contents on that shelf were scarce more than plentiful. And seeing how he never let her leave the junkyard except for school and giving her money was out of the question, acquiring her own food was tricky. It made summer time the worst part of the year for her, stuck spending those few months never stepping foot outside the fence that lined the property.

She suspected it was because Unkar was afraid she’d snitch about the people who frequented the premises during the late hours of the night. For those occasions, Unkar would greet them in the back office, the one that looked like the inside of the Taj Mahal compared to the shit-hole trailer they lived in behind the car crusher.

Sometimes the men were dressed as if they had wandered in right off the street, but most of the time, their attire was more posh and presentable. For the richer guests, Unkar would have her serve them drinks and snacks. Those encounters usually ended with one of them making her sit on their lap.

Being so young, she didn’t understand why they wanted her there. All she cared about was that they would give her some of their food and thank her before sending her off so the adults could talk business.

Every time she thought about it now, as an adult, she’d feel shame and embarrassment. She should’ve known… she should’ve had some morals or standards. But dangle food in front of her face and she’d do just about anything to get it.

Stealing something was out of the question. She was never alone outside the property. One of Unkar’s henchmen would drive her to and from school, parking nearby, always watching her.

So, yeah, whenever Rey jokingly told people that her life revolved around food, it was actually the truth. No mirth involved.

Tonight, however, Rey was experiencing the rare and strange phenomenon of not having an appetite… thanks to nerves.

She stared at the white door as she stood in the hallway of Ben’s mother’s building, still a bit warm from the outside summer air. Despite the heat, she was shaking… and her mind wasn’t chugging along on full steam like it usually was.

Being stressed would do that to a person. But c’mon, did it have to go after her appetite?

Rey had known this dinner was coming all week; she thought of little else over the last seven days since Ben apprised her of the get together.

Meeting his family. Like, officially this time. As a serious couple. Being asked serious questions. Having serious discussions.

Serious, serious, serious.

_Why so serious?_

She was losing it. It was starting. Why else would her mind conjure up a rendition of Heath Ledger’s Joker out of nowhere? This dinner was going to get to peak levels of awkward because of her, in part because she couldn’t get a second of shut eye during the night.

Last night had been a hard one to sleep soundly through. By morning, the bed sheets had been in a knot and aside from a few fitful hours of dozing off, Rey hadn’t slept a wink. Not even after Ben made her come against his mouth at a new record of four times in less than twenty minutes. Nor after Ben made good on his dirty talk of filling her up and making her moan till her throat felt like sandpaper.

Usually orgasms made Rey tired; the ones from last night only wound her up. She probably should’ve stopped him, but the things Ben was learning to do with his tongue and fingers–

 _No_ , she scolded herself. _Don’t think about that stuff while in the presence of his parents._

That’s just weird.

Don’t be weird!

Hand in hand, Ben stood next her, having already knocked.

“You were like this when I took you to meet Finn and Rose the first time, too,” Ben said as they waited. Rey looked up at him. “I can feel you shaking,” he clarified.

“Oh. Yeah, well…” Rey scratched at her earlobe. “I’m nervous… and maybe a tad bit scared.”

“Scared? That doesn’t seem like you. ”

“It isn’t,” Rey agreed, thinking how she usually didn’t give a fuck what anyone thought of her. Thing was, Ben’s parents weren’t just anyone. They were his parents, for Christ’s sake. “But I really want to make a good first impression.”

“You’ve already met them.”

“Those instances don’t count. We weren’t even really–”

The door opened. Blue blouse tucked into dark trousers, Leia looked lovely and well put together. Rey was beginning to believe that seeing this woman unkempt was a rare occurrence.

Leia motioned for them to enter. “You could’ve just came in, Ben. You know the code.”

“Me waltzing in the last time didn’t go so well,” he grumbled.

Leia swatted at his arm. “This time we knew you were coming.”

Rey stayed close to Ben as they stopped in the entryway. She took a quick moment to survey the space, the kitchen visible on the left and the living room on the right. Beyond that was what looked to be the dining room, a partial view of a table visible behind a small dividing wall. A man appeared, walking brusquely from the dining room to the kitchen, wearing a white apron over his casual clothes. He wordlessly moved among the countertops and stove, grabbing plates and filling them with food.

Whatever was on the menu tonight, it smelled delicious. The fragrance grabbed a bit of her stomach’s attention, but the butterflies were still fluttering around at full force, suppressing Rey’s usual gluttony.

Leia was suddenly hugging her, catching Rey off guard. “Rey, I’m so glad you’re able to be here.”

As the woman pulled back, Rey mustered up what she hoped was a grateful smile. “Me, too. Thanks for inviting me.”

“Hired someone to cook?” Ben asked, eyes on the presumed chef as the man went to plate the table.

“The older I get, the more I just don’t want to do it,” Leia joked. Rey laughed along, but inside, she cringed. Here she was, young and capable, and she sure as hell didn’t cook if she could get away with it. Was Ben fine with that? Did he expect her to eventually acquire homemaking skills? Had his youth been filled with home cooked meals every night, eating at a set table?

With a hand lingering on Rey’s arm, Leia led her into the living room, the teal colored furniture and the vibrant paintings on the walls bringing an inviting warmth to the atmosphere. Rey wondered if Ben had painted any of them. A few were of animals. The one that stuck out to her the most was of a lion standing in tall grass, so lifelike that Rey had to do a double take once she realized it wasn’t a photo.

Rey sat and the sofa dipped considerably as Ben took up the space beside her, his hand seeking hers. In the armchair across from them, Leia eyed the simple show of affection.

“Congratulations on finishing the race last week. Ben must be thrilled to finally have someone to do those with.” Leia rubbed her palms on her thighs, flattening out her trousers. “I remember when he tried to convince my brother to do one of those with him.”

“He was going to do it,” Ben pointed out.

“And then I reminded Luke that he’s old and that much over exertion would probably kill him.”

“He would’ve been fine.”

“Luke isn’t a fitness fanatic like you are.” Rey could basically sense Ben’s eyeroll. Leia crossed her legs, her stare flickering over to Rey. “But I’m glad you have someone to enjoy those kinds of things with.”

“I think Rey’s racing days are behind her,” Ben commented with a hint of sarcasm, but there was some seriousness to it.

Rey craned her head to the side, looking right at him. “They are?”

He met her stare, quirking a brow. “Aren’t they?”

“I mean, I wouldn’t mind doing another one as long as I know exactly what to expect and have a little more time to train.”

Rey had just started to walk normally again – that’s how sore she’d been the first few days after the race. Snap had noticed her awkward waddle. He found it amusing to call her a penguin until she threatened to fire him.

She just needed to be in better shape the next time around… because, honestly, aside from the lake and finding out about Ben’s heart condition, she enjoyed doing the race with him. So much so that she would actually get back into exercising daily again.

Watching Ben workout in his home gym was something Rey could definitely live with.

“Oh.” There was a pause, his eyes darting over to his mother for a split second. “Yeah. Okay… cool.”

Rey frowned over his subdued response.

Leia chuckled. “Ben’s just trying to hide how ecstatic he is because I’m watching you guys. But trust me, he’s happy.”

“I’m right here,” he groused.

“Then tell her how happy you are. Don’t have your mother do it for you.”

Ben shifted so he was facing her more, his eyes losing the annoyance he had for his mother and softening when they fell upon her. “I… I am happy,” he whispered, a small smile on his lips.

Rey gave his hand a squeeze. “I know.”

Leia placed a hand over her heart. “God, I can’t get over how cute you two look together. And to see Ben with a woman–”

“Okay, mom,” Ben cut her off abruptly, his cheeks reddening. “No need to keep going with that sentence.”

Laughing came from the hallway, two older men emerging with large smiles and bright eyes. Rey recognized them as Ben’s father and uncle.

“Ben,” Ben’s dad exclaimed as he came to stand by Leia, Luke lingering behind. “How has the zoo been?”

“Good.”

“Always a man of few words, aren’t ya. I hope you talk way more to your girlfriend than you do to your old man. And Rey, it’s nice to see you again. Thanks for coming over.”

Rey did a quick clear of her throat. “Thank you for having me. I asked Ben if we should bring anything, maybe rolls or something but he said–”

Han waved her concern away. “Leia has it all taken care of.”

Rey closed her mouth. Replace Leia with “My mom” and it was word for word what Ben had told her on the way over.

Luke sidestepped around Han, holding out his hand to Rey. “I’m Luke, by the way.” The handshake was brief. “Leia’s brother. I sort of met you that night at the restaurant, but Leia ushered you away so fast, I didn’t have time to properly introduce myself.”

“It’s nice to meet you.”

The chef cleared his throat, catching everyone’s attention before announcing dinner was ready. As they made their way to the table, Rey glanced behind her. Leia handed the grateful chef a wad of cash. The outside note was a hundred dollar bill. Rey suspected the rest of them were as well.

“No Chewie or Lando?” Ben queried.

“Lando’s out of town and Chewie is actually out on a date.”

“Really? Good for–” Ben stopped talking and just stood there, staring at the table settings once the wall was no longer disrupting the view.

The room was a quaint size, but the long mahogany table took up a lot of the extra space. The dark wood was left without a tablecloth, as if daring guests to ruin the perfectly varnished shine with their greasy fingertips. Three tall, gold candelabras stood at the center of the table, each holding five lit candles whose wax was not yet running. Down the center of the table was a runner with flower designs embroidered in reds and pinks and greens onto the fabric. Beautifully folded matching napkins were next to every plate, along with polished gold cutlery and an empty wine glass.

“Uh… So this is, like, way formal,” Ben pointed out, rubbing the back of his neck. It was a small comfort to see that Rey wasn’t the only one taken aback by the whole table spread.

Once Rey realized her mouth was hanging open, she quickly shut it.

“I thought this would be a perfect occasion to have a nice meal,” Leia commented, taking the spot at the head of the table. Han and Luke chose the seats on the other side, leaving the two closest chairs for Ben and Rey.

“Turkey dinner on Thanksgiving is nice. This is…” Ben paused searching for the right word. “Extravagant.”

“Extravagant is your mother’s middle name,” Han joked. Leia shot him a look, to which Han just shrugged.

Ben took the spot near his mother, much to Rey’s relief. Maybe with sitting at the end of the group, she could blend into the background, observing everyone and listening to their conver–

Holy shit, this fork had weight to it. Rey suppressed a gasp once it registered in her simple brain that these were made with real gold.

Real.

Gold.

She studied the candelabras.

Yep. Real.

If she were to go to the washroom, would she find a gold plated toilet? Jesus. This was Ben’s life once upon a time?

Rey picked at the food. With her stomach in knots, her head buzzing with all the possibilities of Ben’s parents not liking her, and not knowing the proper protocol when it came to using gold cutlery, there was no way on Earth she could eat the whole plate. Which was kind of a shame. Roast beef was a favorite of hers. The sides even looked scrumptious: noodles in a savory green sauce, steamed green beans, and an overflowing basket of rolls with perfect golden-brown crust.

She ate as much as her nerves would allow.

Most of the others were nearly done with their meals when the conversation veered toward her. “So Rey, tell us a bit about yourself,” Leia said.

Ah. The dreaded question. The one you answered at the beginning of every school year or were asked in nearly every job interview. And still, after all those years, Rey had no idea how to answer it.

She set down the fork. “What would you like to know?”

“It’s embarrassing to admit, but we don’t know a lot about you. We haven’t seen much of Ben recently, and when we do, he doesn’t want to talk about you.”

Ben’s eyes went wide as he immediately turned to her. “That’s not because I don’t care or anything. It’s just–”

“Ben can be very secretive of the things he cares about most,” Leia interjected while nibbling on a roll. “When he was younger, I had to find out that he had a crush on the girl next door by reading about it in his journal.”

Ben snapped his attention to his mother. “You fucking did what?”

Leia shrugged. “It was a long time ago. And I needed to know if you were doing drugs or something.”

“Drugs? I was twelve. Where the fuck would I have gotten drugs?”

“I don’t know. Mary Donovan’s son down the street was already having problems by the time he was thirteen. I thought maybe you got some from him.”

“Corey? That little shit tormented me every chance he could. We weren’t friends.”

“Was that the kid you got in a fight with and broke his nose?” Luke asked.

Han shook his head, quickly swallowing what was in his mouth. “No, you’re thinking of Purdy’s son. But if you ask me, Ben did that kid a favor. His nose looked way better after plastic surgery compared to what it was before being broken.”

“Yeah, but I paid for it,” Leia said flatly.

Ben closed his eyes, bowing his head. “Oh my God.”

Rey rested her palm on his thigh. He grabbed it as if it were a lifeline that would transport him out of the dinner.

“You’re an architectural engineer, right Rey?” Leia asked, bringing the conversation back onto her.

“Um… yes, I am. I, uh, went to NYU for my degree.”

“But you ended up in Chicago?”

“I followed my brother here, actually. I had graduated and was looking for a job and thought I’d come live with him for a bit as I figured everything out. Worked for different companies before I took the plunge and started my own business.”

“But you aren’t from the States?”

“What gave me away?” That got a laugh out of everyone, easing Rey’s anxiety. “I’m originally from London.”

Leia was no longer eating. In fact, everyone appeared to be done and all the focus was now on Rey. “What brought you here?”

“I was actually in an orphanage when I was really young,” Rey said evenly. This wasn’t the first time, nor the twentieth, that she had to explain this to someone. “I don’t even remember my parents or anything. But a woman came through one day and I guess she liked me enough to the point she wanted to adopt me. Her husband agreed, and I joined their family.”

“So your brother...”

“Is not my biological brother, no. Poe and I didn’t get along at first. He was ten years older than me and thought it would be a nuisance to have a kid around. But we grew close… especially since a year after adopting me, our parents died suddenly in a car accident.”

“Oh…” Leia said, voice low and sympathetic. “I’m so sorry.”

“It was a long time ago. My brother, though…” Rey worked through a tight throat. “He died two years ago. Similar to Shara and Kess – car accident.”

Leia placed both hands over her chest. “God. I can’t imagine–”

“Wait,” Han interjected, hand up, eyes popping wide. “Your last name is Dameron?” Rey nodded. “And your adoptive parents are Shara and Kess Dameron? Their son Poe Dameron?”

Cocking her head, Leia frowned as she said, “Poe Dameron? That name sounds familiar.”

The shock and sadness in Han’s face as he stared at her almost made Rey want to hide under the table. “Holy shit. I’ve met you before. And Leia, you know Poe Dameron from years ago. You’ve never met any of them, but–”

“Oh my God.” Leia suddenly gripped the edge of the table, like she needed something to hold onto lest her body teeter out of the chair. “You’re his sister,” she said in awe. “ _The_ sister. The one who lived with a distant relative outside London for a few years after your parents passed. And then Poe found out about the horrible conditions you were being subjected to… right? I think that’s right, if I remember correctly.”

Rey’s lungs burned for oxygen from forgetting to breathe. “How… how do you know that?”

“I was in the Air Force with Kess. We were in the same squadron for a couple years and….” Han covered his mouth with his hands, taking a few breaths, shaking his head. “My God. The world really is a small place.”

“You said you’ve met her before?” Ben prompted… which was good, because Rey’s brain was stuttering for a moment.

Han nodded. “At the funeral. I remember briefly paying my respects to you and Poe, even shook your little hand.”

“I don’t remember that,” Rey was barely able to say.

“I wouldn’t expect you to. There were so many people there, and you were so young.”

“Seven,” Rey clarified, even though it didn’t matter. She just needed to say it. “I was seven.”

Han grabbed his Corona, but didn’t drink it. It was more like he just needed his hands to hold something. “I… I was a mess after hearing about their deaths. Still kind of am whenever I think about Kess. I didn’t know Shara that well. He met her after I left the Air Force, but she was a good woman. Strong, too, with everything she’d gone through battling breast cancer. I saw what it had done to my sister… so I knew….”

Shara’s battle with cancer had been before Rey was in their lives. But from what she remembered of Poe talking about it, it had been a rough time on the family.

“How does Leia know Rey?” Luke asked. He’d been sitting so still, so quiet, that Rey forgot he was even at the table.

“We’ve never met,” Leia answered. “Kess I’ve met on a few occasions, but that’s the extent of it.”

“Then how do you know about Rey staying with a relative?”

“It was years after the funeral and I was just about to step down as a US Senator. I had gone into work and found out Poe left a message with my secretary, that he was Kess and Shara’s son and that he needed to speak with me urgently. I called him back and… and he wanted help in getting his adopted sister into the States. He told me of the conditions she was living under and how the caretaker would treat her…. Even sent me photos of what he saw.” Rey shivered as the images returned – and dear Lord, the memories of that old, decrepit, foul smelling trailer. “I told him to report the man, but he said he did and nothing was being done. He suspected that there were some illegal dealings between him and the law enforcement there.”

“There was.” All eyes snapped to Rey, but her voice was distant, stuck in recollecting the past. “His junkyard had this underground bunker I wasn’t allowed to go near, but I would sometimes see vans coming and going throughout the night, always headed in that direction. I met some of the men who came to talk with him. They weren’t the type of people who dealt only with drugs.”

Ben’s grip on her hand tightened. The insinuation she’d made was quite clear. It would have to be, because that’s the extent Rey would talk about it.

“Well, there were people in high places profiting off of it because nothing was being done for you.”

“But…” Rey’s brows tightened. “Poe told me that the authorities granted him full custody after he explained what was going on.”

Leia frowned. “He said that?” Rey nodded. “I mean, it’s half true. He was given custody of you, but only after I took it upon myself to force specific officials into granting it.”

Han’s stare narrowed. “When you say force, you mean–”

“Blackmail.”

“Holy shit,” Ben muttered under his breath.

“You blackmailed British politicians?” Han asked in disbelief. “And never told me? Seriously, Leia?”

“How else do you think I got them to agree to what Poe wanted?”

“I don’t know… by asking them or something?”

“You clearly have no idea how politics work.”

Rey spoke up, thought her voice was still not working at full capacity. “And coming to the States? And my citizenship?”

“I got Poe in touch with some people I knew in immigration. They owed me a favor or two. As well as some people who work in social services. It was a bit difficult to get them to agree to have you stay with your brother since he was in college and his income wasn’t ideal, but I got it to work out.”

“How’d you do that?” Han questioned in a smug tone. “Blackmail again?”

“No. I did it through donations.”

“You bribed them?”

Rey closed her eyes, a shudder ripping through her body, fighting against the tension in her muscles.

Leia straightened, holding her chin up. “The paper trail looks completely legal.”

“Jesus Christ.” Han rubbed at his face. “Were you ever going to tell me I was sharing a bed with a criminal or was I just supposed to find that out on my own?”

“I helped someone who needed it. That hardly makes me a criminal.”

Abruptly, Rey looked at Leia. “So… I wouldn’t be here right now if it weren’t for you?”

“Oh, no.” Leia reached for Rey, but her arm was too short to make it. Her hand rested on the table. “Don’t think like that. It’s really because of Poe that you made it over here. And I assure you, none of what I did was particularly difficult to do. I already had the connections and had a stockpile of favors that needed to be cashed in.”

“But, you paid people–”

“I have more money than I know what to do with.” Rey’s eyes flitted over to the gold candelabras. “I’m just glad I was able to use it for a very good cause.”

“I… I just….” Rey’s breathing became more labored, as if all the air in the room was suddenly gone. She stood, Ben’s tight grip on her hand not wanting to loosen, but when she jerked her arm away, he let go. “Where’s the washroom?”

Ben was the one to answer. “Down the hall and to the right.”

“Excuse me.”

She hurried to the washroom. Locking the door.

Rey took a deep breath. She wasn’t going to freak out, she was sure of that. There would be no devolving into a puddle of tears and crumbling into a ball on the floor. And while moisture certainly did form, her eyes were washed with the kind of tears that only came from complete and unabashed joy.

Fate was real; it had to be. So many things had to have gone right, had to have happened for her to end up where she was at this exact moment.

She couldn’t stop smiling at her reflection in the mirror, the muted laugh that came from her lungs a mixture of disbelief and gratitude.

For the first time, Rey didn’t think about her brother’s death, but of his life, of the obstacles he overcame just to give her safety and a chance at forging her own path. She didn’t run from the memories of him, but sought them out. Her heart didn’t break; her mind didn’t ache. And she never would’ve known any of this, felt any of this if she hadn’t met Ben.

Destiny. This was destiny.

This, those people out there… could she be a part of their family?

Rey grabbed a wad of toilet paper and wiped the wetness from her cheeks, blotting away the smeared mascara from under her eyes. Now she needed to figure out a way to repay Leia for all she’d done.

 _You could marry her son_ , she joked to herself. But then took pause.

The thought was in jest, and Rey knew Leia wouldn’t guilt her into being with Ben, but, like… the thought wasn’t an unpleasant one. Ben already alluded to marriage being his end-goal in this relationship. Rey wanted it as well.

Of course, it was way too soon to do such a thing. Maybe in a couple of years they could tie the knot. But in the meantime, loving Ben was something Rey could definitely do.

Deciding to use the toilet before going back out, she chuckled when she saw that it wasn’t made of gold.

()()()()()

As the silence stretched across the table, Han rubbed at his eyes as if they were hurting. “This is not how I thought tonight was going to go,” he said.

Luke ran his fingernails through his beard like the stuff itched. “You and everyone else here.”

Ben stood abruptly, his brain having done a partial reboot and sending out the order to go to Rey.

Leia latched onto his arm, stopping him. “You should give her a minute.”

“But–”

“Just give her a little bit to process everything.”

“Shit, I think we all need time to process what just happened,” Han said, taking a long swig of his beer.

Dragging a hand through his hair, Ben was so stunned, he couldn’t think straight. He slowly realigned the chair and sat, eyes lingering on the hallway Rey disappeared down.

“I mean, c’mon,” Han continued, “what are the odds that Ben and Rey meet and they end up in a relationship together? It’s stuff like this that makes you wonder if there really is a God or something.”

“There is,” Luke stated, arms folded across his chest.

Han rolled his eyes. “Says the religious guy in the family.”

“Rey knows everything, right?” Leia asked, ignoring the men and focusing on Ben. “About your condition and the transplant?”

He blinked, as if coming out of a daze. “Yes.”

“Like, you’ve discussed it with her in detail?”

Did his mother really need to bring this up right now? Had she already forgotten what just transpired?

“Which details are you referring?” Ben’s voice didn’t hide his irritation. “The fact that I couldn’t lift a gallon of milk without being winded? Gaining weight was impossible? Or that someone died so I could–”

“Yes, we know Ben,” she cut him off tersely. “I just wanted to make sure nothing else was being hidden from her. This has all been… a lot for her. Obviously.”

Ben sighed. She hadn’t let him finish that sentence because it was That Which Wasn’t Discussed. No one liked to be reminded that the previous owner of this heart was six feet underground. That being said, he understood why no one in his family talked about it. Hell, he rarely brought it up.

Ben wished he could go a day without thinking about the mystery donor, like his parents obviously did. Guilt fucking sucked. But to forget what the person had done for him would be a thousand times worse than to not think of it at all.

Cue another round of guilt for even considering it.

But his heart told him to keep his focus on Rey. Was she okay? Did she need him for… God, what would she need? A shoulder to cry on, arms to hold her, words of reassurance – something? Anything?

Ben was feeling useless at the moment.

The only thing that kept him in that chair was knowing that his mother was right. Rey needed time alone to think. It was her preferred method with coping with stress or trying to think through a problem. That’s what she had told him, anyway.

Ben straightened his fork on the table, and then twisted the napkin in his lap. “Do you know what Rey went through with that relative she stayed with?” he asked his mom. “Like, specific stuff?”

“She hasn’t told you?”

He shook his head. “Only that it was horrible.”

“I’m not sure it’s my place to say.”

Ben really didn’t want to rely on his mother for this information. But… “I don’t know if Rey will ever tell me. And I want to know.”

Leia regarded him for a moment, as if assessing how much he could handle. “You can’t get mad.”

Yeah… whenever someone started a sentence like that, it was like a guarantee that whatever they were about to say was going to set them off. The look between Han and Luke didn’t go unnoticed, both probably expecting Ben to lose it.

…. “Okay,” he said in unsure agreement.

The hesitation from his mother made Ben’s heart start to pound in anticipation. “She was malnourished and extremely underweight when Poe visited. The caretaker – I think Rey said his name was Unkar? – forced her to work in his scrapyard when not in school, scavenging for parts he could sell. She didn’t have friends, no social life. Unkar didn’t allow her to ever go anywhere but school and home. Probably to make sure she didn’t tell anyone about his side business.”

“What side business?”

Leia pegged him with a serious stare. “Rey was right about him being involved in human trafficking, if you didn’t pick up on what she was hinting at.”

Ben squeezed his eyes shut as he imagined what living among all that must have taken out of her.

“So the guy is in prison,” Luke assumed more than asked.

“No,” Leia breathed out, ire sinking into her tone. “He covered his tracks really well, like a professional criminal would. Any evidence that was found was circumstantial, and even when his junkyard was raided, nothing was found. I think after Poe got Rey out of there, Unkar got rid of everything. Those who started to fess up to what was going on disappeared. It was all a huge mess for the law enforcement to deal with over there.”

“How is it you remember all this?” Han asked roughly.

“Some things leave an impression on you. This whole situation was like that for me.”

“But what about her teachers? They didn’t notice anything?”

“Poe asked her about that. She said Unkar threatened her to never say anything, to let him know if anyone started asking questions. He kept transferring her to different schools.”

Ben’s eyes narrowed, rigid, cold, hard. “Threatened her how exactly?”

Leia looked down. Adjusted her posture in the chair.

“Mom,” Ben prompted.

“How do you think?”

Blood drained from his face, heart hammering so erratically he could feel it in his throat. “He’d hit her.”

Leia’s nod was solemn. “Unkar drank a lot; Poe saw all the bottles around the trailer. I’m sure all the drinking clouded Unkar’s judgment to some extent." _Or he was already an evil fucking person before the alcohol,_ Ben thought. “And because Poe’s visit was unexpected, he… noticed the way Rey was walking and holding her side. Her ribs were severely bruised. I can’t remember if some of them were broken or not. They might have been.”

“Goddamn,” Han mumbled.

“Poe sent me pictures of the living conditions and her injuries,” Leia continued. “He was very thorough in painting a clear picture of what had been going on. I just couldn’t not help him help her. And yeah, my methods were questionable, I know that. But–”

“It’s okay, Leia.” Han reached for her hand, holding it atop the table. “I think I can speak for all of us when I say we understand why you did some of the things you did. And we don’t fault you for it.”

Luke nodded solemnly. “I would’ve done the same, too.”

Ben went to his feet, his chair teetering on its hind legs before righting itself. His eyes were on his mother, but the anger they conveyed was directed at the man who was hopefully rotting in a London grave.

“I would’ve beaten that motherfucker to the brink of death and left him to die in the dirt of his own junkyard,” Ben said in a dead voice.

The room was so quiet, the faint sounds of traffic from outside could easily being heard.

Ben had given Rey enough time to be alone. He needed to see her.

Alarmed, Leia opened her mouth to call out to him, but he was already–

Ben stopped as he rounded the corner.

“Rey,” he exclaimed. She was leaning against the wall, just out of eyesight of the table. It was such an emotional whiplash to switch so quickly from rage to shock, that Ben stammered to speak before finally forming a sentence. “How long have you been there?”

“A while.”

The rims of her eyes were a pale crimson, showing a faint glimmer of extra moisture.

“Shit, I–” He glanced behind him, seeing a sea of eyes staring back. “What my mom said… the fact that I asked her–”

“It’s okay.” She neared him. “You were actually right. I wouldn’t have told you about what happened, even though part of me wants you to know about it. I just… it’s hard for me to talk about went on during that time. I’ve only ever told Poe.”

Ben nodded. It was insensitive to want her to tell him everything, every little detail she’d gone through. But that was her life story to tell. He had no right to make demands.

Rey chewed at her lip. “And just because I might never have told you about it, doesn’t mean I care about you any less.”

“I know.”

She mouthed the words _I love you_ ; Ben mouthed them back.

Chairs creaked as everyone else stood. Rey met them halfway as they all stood between the dining room and kitchen. Ben stayed beside her.

“I, um…” Her eyes shifted left, right, then finally down. “I’m sorry I rushed away like that.”

Luke and Han both talked at the same time, assuring her that no one was offended by her sudden exit.

Leia went to her. “Can I get you something? More food or a roll perhaps?”

“Uh…”

“Here, come sit down.” With both hands on her shoulders, Ben’s mother guided Rey to the couch in the living room, the two women sitting side by side. Ben followed, standing off to the side, not sure what to do now that his mother was taking control of the situation.

Rey was the one who initiated contact by taking Leia’s hand in hers. “This might be coming years too late, but thank you… for doing all that you did for me. And for Poe. It’s hard to imagine what my life would be like if you hadn’t have helped us. I know thank you doesn’t even begin to repay what I owe you–”

“You owe me nothing. I mean it. Just keep living your life how you want and be happy; that’s all I’ll ask of you.” Leia inspected Rey more closely, concerned. “Are you sure I can’t get you anything? Water or–”

“Some wine sounds good, actually,” she muttered, seeming unsure if she could ask for some.

Leia looked to Ben. He quickly went to the table, refilling Rey’s glass. He returned to hear his mother mid sentence. “–brother used to do?”

Ben handed Rey the drink. Rey took a sip, licking at her lips. “He was a vet at the Lincoln Zoo.” Leia snapped her attention to Ben. Rey noticed. “Ben actually filled his old position.”

“And Poe was the one who interviewed me and offered me the job at the zoo a few years ago,” Ben tacked on.

“The job you had to turn down because….” Leia’ voice tapered off.

Ben nodded. “Yep.”

“That’s all a remarkable coincidence.”

 _Sure is_ , Ben thought. “Anyway... I think it’s about time to head out.”

“What? No,” Leia protested firmly, looking between both him and Rey. “At least stay for dessert. Luke is cutting slices of the vanilla cake if you want any.”

He was about to say no, but then he noticed how Rey was looking at him. Batting those lashes. A pout half forming on her lips.

“Something sweet does sound lovely,” she said with a child-like innocence.

The details of how and where the cake was made fell from Leia’s lips, as if knowing that the top pastry chef in Chicago had baked it would persuade them to stay longer. The rambling was unnecessary; if Rey wanted to stay, then they would… even if Ben was a tad eager to leave.

There was a light tap on his shoulder. Ben glanced to see his father right behind him. “Could I maybe talk to you in private before you leave?” Han kept his voice so low that it took Ben a moment to process what he heard. Han interpreted Ben’s pause as a no. “It’ll be quick, I swear.”

Ben looked to Rey. Leia was still talking, but Rey was staring at him. She gave him a small smile, a silent exchange that it was fine for him to step out of the room for a bit.

With reluctance, he followed his father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Turns out, Rey is way more connected with the Organ/Solo family beyond just being with their son! There was a very small hint in the beginning chapters of Poe using family connections to become the guardian over Rey. This chapter delved deeper into all of it.
> 
> I know there wasn't much Reylo in this update, but part 2 is next. You'll get to see why Han wanted to have a secret convo with his son, and Rey and Ben go back to his place to... wind down, so to speak.


	18. There's No Rush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Han and Ben have a conversation, Rey's feelings are brought to light, and Rey and Ben get frisky in the kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some warnings for this chapter: Minor choking within the context of sexual content. Consent is given. Always give consent and do your research before trying things out in the bedroom! Safety comes first.

What did a father do when his son was known for having impulsive anger, an I’ll-kill-you stare, and harboring a deep-seated contempt for his childhood?

No, really…. What did a father do? Like, could Google give him the answer? Was Ask Jeeves still a thing? Han needed help and needed it stat. Problem was, he’d never been much of a father. His own mind was giving him a whole lot of nothing.

Given the sensitive content of the impending convo, the only thing Han could think of doing was to have it in the guest room, away from prying eyes. Away from any witnesses in case Ben became argumentative over Han’s idea.

Shit, he needed this to go well.

If Han could go back in time and tell himself to start taking family life more seriously and get to know Ben, he would. Not living in the moment, taking Leia for granted, and pretending he didn’t give a shit about fatherly duties were some of the biggest regrets of his life.

Everyone believed he’d been scared of Ben’s prognosis, had fled over feeling unequipped to handle it. Partly true, Han supposed. But it wasn’t the entire truth. He’d been selfish, not wanting to be tied down to anything or anyone. It was hard admitting that. Even harder saying it out loud.

Being old, his perspective changed. He had traveled the world alone, having no one to share the stories with. The strangers he had befriended were all just blips in memory, but family was enduring. And he had ran away from that gift.

Now, with Ben, he was searching for absolution. Ben was the one in control; he was the one who could grant Han peace of mind and forgiveness. A lot was riding on his son and Ben didn’t even know it.

For some reason, as Han went down the hallway, he thought of a lonely animal who nonetheless bit the hand that was trying to save it. As a child, Ben had been trying to save Han by giving him the chance to be a dad. Han had disregarded him. Ben stopped trying.

Han wished Ben would try again.

All just a part of the tragedy, though. Wasn’t it.

Now devoid of any personality, the guest room held only a bed and side table. No dresser, no drawings tacked to the wall, no easel or desk in the corner. The room – once Ben’s private sanctuary – had been stripped of all the things that pertained to him. It had been years since Leia had done this, but Han still felt weird every time he went in there, like it still belonged to Ben.

They had argued in this room, years ago. Han didn’t even remember what it was about – just that it had been a yelling match. One of many.

Han planted himself in the middle of the space. Ben closed the door behind him, lingering there in case he needed to make a quick exit.

The awkward atmosphere took on a life of its own as Han tried to figure out how best to start.

“So…” Ben breathed out, looking at Han expectantly. “Was there something you wanted to tell me, or….”

“Yes. There is.” Han shoved his hands in his pockets, and somehow, was able to string together words that formed a coherent sentence. “How do you think tonight is going? I mean, besides that whole revelation at dinner and finding out your mother is basically a criminal.”

Han would have to unpack all that with Leia later. But fuck, something about her taking charge and utilizing the power she held to scare foreign politicians shitless made Han’s jeans feel a bit snug.

“What mom did doesn’t bother me in the slightest,” Ben said with an indifferent shrug. “Rey’s here, mom helped make it happen, I don’t fucking care how she went about doing it. But overall, tonight’s been alright... I guess.”

Han nodded. “And Leia and me?”

“If you guys could lay off airing all the embarrassing shit I did in my youth and talking about me as if I weren’t there, that would be great.”

_So sensitive_ , Han thought, then reprimanded himself. He shouldn’t think that about his son; shouldn’t demean him for having feelings and expressing them. That’s what Leia kept telling him, anyway. And if there was one thing Han knew about Leia, it was that she was rarely ever wrong.

“Right. Sorry. But, ya know, it’s kind of our job to embarrass you a bit. As your parents.” If looks could kill, Han was pretty sure his son would’ve been classified as a serial killer by now, goodness gracious. “But, no, I was actually meaning, uh…” Han glanced at his shoes, then back up. “What do you think of Leia _and_ me?”

“I don’t think I’m following.”

“As a couple. What do you think of us as a couple.”

Ben blinked. “Are you looking for me to say you two are cute together or something?”

“More like... are you okay with us being together.” There was a beat of silence. “Like, _really_ being together,” Han added.

Alarmed, Ben took a step back, hand searching for the door handle behind him. “Please, for the love of God, do not tell me about your sex life.”

“Not that. God, I know I can say inappropriate shit, but I would never tell you about that. I just… I want to ask Leia to marry me.” There. He said it. He finally got it out in the open, his desire now airborne. Whether it would crash and burn or somehow pull off a safe landing was now completely up to his son.

Ben did a whole lot of staring. Han took a deep breath, getting ready for the next part. “And I, uh, was wanting to ask you for permission.”

“Permission? To marry mom?” Ben questioned slowly, as if the request had yet to be processed through his brain.

“Yep.”

“You guys are really that serious?”

“As serious as a heart attack.” Ben’ expression tightened, and Han realized who he just said that to. “Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean…. You know it’s just an expression. I didn’t mean to use it on purpose. I swear.”

The tension in Ben’s face and shoulders loosened, his eyes rolling and his hands pushing back his hair. “Have you talked about this with her?”

“Well, here and there. Nothing substantial enough to come to a decision, but I can tell Leia’s on the same page as me.”

“You can tell,” Ben deadpanned.

“What’s the worst that could happen? She says no? We’re already divorced.”

“What if I say no?”

Han had already thought about that, more than if Leia were to deny him. Because while Leia dropped hints here and there that she wouldn’t mind tying the knot again – though, she never specifically said with him, which was irksome, but he was pretty sure she was doing it on purpose – it wouldn’t surprise Han for Ben to be hostile towards the whole idea.

So far, though, Ben wasn’t showing any vehemence about it. He just looked confused and surprised.

The next part was harder to get out than Han thought it would be. “Then I won’t ask her.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really. You’re my son; you’re one of the people I hurt the most while Leia and I were actually together. I know I’m not good enough for her–”

“You’re not,” Ben said with blunt finality. “But... no one is.”

“True.”

Ben crossed his arms over his chest, chewing at the inside of his cheek as he regarded his father. “At the end of the day, this is your relationship; do what you want.”

Han couldn’t tell if Ben was being sincere or if he just wanted to get out of the room.

“I need your consent or I can’t do it.”

Ben frowned, glancing to the side at the wall. “Do you make her happy?” he asked softly.

“I try to. Everyday.”

“And she will be the only woman in your life?”

“I swear on my sister’s grave.”

Ben swung his stare back to his dad, knowing how serious of a statement that was if he brought up his sister. It seemed to placate him. “Then… yeah, I’ll give you permission, even though I still think it’s weird you’re asking me in the first place.”

Han let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding, breaking out in a smile. “Thank you.” Should he shake Ben’s hand or give him a hug or slap him on the shoulder? Han wasn’t sure, so he stayed where he was. “And you know, our bowling season is coming up. Could really use you this year. You could even bring Rey.”

“I don’t know…”

“At least come to practice this Friday. Most of the people I give a shit about will be there, I made sure of that.” Ben queried a brow. “That’s when I plan on popping the question.”

Ben chuckled lightly. Han held onto that noise like it might heal his remorseful spirit. “Mom does love bowling, so that’s actually a pretty good idea.”

“I thought so.”

“I guess I have no choice but to go, then. If it all blows up in your face, I gotta be there to witness it,” Ben partly joked.

Han snorted. “Your optimism is deeply appreciated.”

A high-pitched squeal came from the living room, followed by a round of laughter.

“Sounds like your mom brought out the family album.”

Horror etched itself onto Ben’s face, and then he was out the door.

Han took his time getting back to the living room, seeing Ben hovering over Rey as she sat close to Leia, looking at the thick album in her lap.

“See what I meant?” Leia pointed to one of the pictures. “Doesn’t he look like such a good elf? He put a lot of effort into that costume.”

Ben groaned. “No, Mom, c’mon. Do you really have to show her the pictures?”

“She asked to see them,” Leia responded, feigning innocence. “I didn’t bring it up, I swear.”

“It’s true, I wanted to see them,” Rey said, coming to Leia’s defense. “And you were so adorable as a kid.”

Ben quickly snatched the album away, not giving Rey enough time to guard it. “Well, make-fun-of-Ben time is over–”

“I’m not making fun of you.”

“–and it’s time to go.”

Rey pouted, and even Han knew that a look like that was impossible to say no to. “Just a little longer. Let me at least get through this photo album.” She held out her hand. “Please?”

Ben sighed, handing over the album reluctantly.

The two women made room for Ben on the couch, sitting next to Rey. Han situated himself in the armchair next to Luke, watching them. If Han had been in Ben’s situation, he wouldn’t have handed the book over. But Ben was nothing like his old man.

And Han was beginning to see that _that_ was a good thing.

()()()()()

Beneath the table in Ben’s condo, his legs were so long that his sock-covered feet were touching Rey’s, wiggling every so often. It was very grade school and simple, playing footsie under the table.

Rey nudged him at the ankle with her toes. “You still upset about your mum showing me those pictures?”

Ben chuckled, eyes flitting to hers before going back to the page. “No. I was never upset.”

He wrote something down in his notebook. That was one of the stark differences between them: Rey liked to have as much of her work digitized, while Ben was old school and preferred books and writing notes on paper. His penmanship was exquisite, probably from all the extra practice.

Rey watched him, not being able to pinpoint exactly what was off. “And you’re, like, okay with your dad asking your mum to marry him?”

“Eh. It is what it is.”

“You think your mum will say yes?”

“It’s a toss up, which is why I’m definitely going to be there Friday night. If she says no? I’ll be getting it all on video.” His short laugh let Rey know that he was joking.

Mostly.

He looked up at her, pencil hovering in his hand above the notebook. “What’s with the questions?”

“Nothing.” She paused. “You just... seem quiet.”

He shrugged. “Just going over some things for the surgery on Tuesday.”

Ben turned the page.

“The Zebra with the gall stones?”

“Bladder stones.”

“Same thing.”

Ben smiled. He knew that she knew they were not, in fact, the same thing.

Maybe his quiet demeanor really was because he was studying. He wasn’t upset about the pictures, Rey could tell that much after asking about it. Maybe a little peeved by his mother taking over the narrative of Ben’s life during dessert, but not upset.

Rey thought back on the night.

She’d done a lot of laughing and talking with Ben’s mum, feeling surprisingly happy and untroubled as they went through four more picture books after that initial first. And Ben hadn’t reminded her about leaving. Not once. He let her be as she examined every photo, envisioned every tale that went along with each image.

But throughout it all, Rey noticed the way he cringed at the sight of tall and lanky Ben Solo. His words, not hers. And didn’t that make her sad.

Han had sat in the recliner across from them, watching with satisfaction and listening to the stories, never speaking. Rey figured he didn’t have much to contribute because, well… he really didn’t have anything to contribute. Ben’s father was rarely in any of the photos. Rey interpreted that for what it was. Luke was a steady presence throughout all the albums, and interjected whenever Ben’s time at his dojo was brought up.

All in all, it had been a relaxing evening… after the initial shock of how she was connected to Ben’s family wore off a bit.

Honestly, she was still somewhat shocked over it all. But also really, indescribably happy. By sharing history with Ben’s family, it finally felt like she belonged somewhere.

She’d been typing up a message to Snap when Ben said her name. “Rey?”

The glance she gave him was quick, her fingers still flying across the keyboard. “Hmm?”

“Can I actually ask you something?”

“Sounds serious,” she said with a little smile.

“It might be.”

Her fingers froze. “Oh.” The grin fell away. “Uh, let me just finish this email real quick.” With shaky hands, it took her about a minute to wrap up the last of the itinerary for tomorrow and send it to Snap.

Rey shut the laptop, bracing. “Okay, ask away.”

A muscle twitched involuntarily underneath his left eye, the pencil he’d been writing with only moments before now being twisted in between his fingers. “When we were at the race and you found out about my transplant, did you… did you consider breaking up with me out of fear that my heart might fail again?”

The question squeezed at her brain, obliterating her ability to promptly respond. He held her eye contact as she just stared at him. But the longer she didn’t speak, the further his face fell as he realized what her answer would be.

He looked down at the book, working his jaw, the rate at which he blinked increasing.

“I’m sorry,” Rey said softly.

He didn’t look up. “Why didn’t you? End it with me?”

“I realized I’d rather take the risk than give up what we have.”

“Take the risk that I’ll die on you, you mean,” Ben inferred.

“It…. The thoughts are fleeting.”

They sat in silence for a long time. Rey wasn’t sure what to say, instead waiting on Ben to speak up.

A quick hand wiped at his cheek, smearing moisture across his skin. He had started crying, silently and gently. “You still think about it?”

_Shit._

She was kneeling next to his side in no seconds flat, her hands on his thigh. “I don’t seriously consider it, I swear.”

“It’s okay. I get it.”

“No, no, no. Ben, look at me. Please?” It took a long moment to shift his red-rimmed eyes to hers. She pushed at him gently, making him scoot back in the chair so she could kneel directly in front of him. “It’s like a protective mechanism – or, or a reflexive reaction to –”

“You don’t have to explain yourself.” He smiled. Shrugged. But none of it was honest. “I understand. You’ve lost a lot throughout your life. It’s only natural for you to think that.”

“I’d never act on it, please, please believe me.”

Fresh tears welled as he nodded, trying again with that smile. “I do.”

“What made you ask me that?”

Ben’s brows tilted in at the corners in worry. “Just some of the looks you gave me tonight whenever my condition was brought up.”

“How did I look at you?”

His eyes shifted to the left, considering the most fitting vernacular. “With calculating fear. It got me thinking.”

Rey’s eyes widened. She hadn’t even realized she’d been doing that.

She ran her fingers down his cheeks, drying the tears that had spilled over. “I love you, Ben. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I love you, too.”

“And I’m so sorry for making you feel this way. Like your less than or that I’d leave you or anything.”

“It’s not your fault. I know I shouldn’t be feeling like this, but I just can’t fucking help it.” There was frustration in his voice, but Rey knew it was pointed at himself. He opened his mouth to say more, but then shut it.

“You know,” she said, resting her chin on his knee, gazing up at him. “I loved seeing all those pictures of you.” He groaned, rubbing at his eyes with his knuckles. “You looked like an absolute snack.”

Chuckling with a snort, Ben said, “The only thing to ever think I was a snack was mosquitoes.”

“I’m serious. Whether it’s now or when you were a teenager or in your twenties, you were fucking hot. If I had known you back then, I would’ve tapped that.”

“I didn’t even have an ass back then to tap, I was so skinny. And you don’t have to butter me up with the compliments.” He curled a piece of her hair behind her ear, his demeanor shifting away from his inner pain. “I’m a sure thing tonight.”

Rey tilted her head into his touch. “You keep doing that – belittling yourself at the expense of your self-confidence. I mean, I know it stems from being insecure with how you look, but… I don’t know. Seems like something more.”

“I guess it’s just… I feel like I’m being lied to.”

“Every time you get a compliment?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you think I’m a liar? That I’m just making up how good you look?”

“....No.” God, he really struggled with saying that one word.

“You’re sexy as fuck, Ben.” She opened his knees, wiggling in between his legs. “Now, what do you say to that?”

“I feel like if I debate you, you’ll smack me.”

“You know I will.”

He looked away. Looked back. “Then, thank you… for the compliments.”

_Oh, you beautiful man_ , Rey thought as she noted the rouge on Ben’s cheeks and how he lowered his eyes. For all the power that body possessed, there was a vulnerability that made one want to offer him a sheltered refuge.

With light fingers, she caressed the soft bulge underneath his sweatpants. “Good boy.”

Rey could not ignore the way Ben suddenly locked eyes with her.

There was something to be said with how Ben’s stare could go from nothing but a sizzle to a full blown inferno in no seconds flat. But he never let that fire consume him… and Rey wanted it to. All week she had wanted it to.

What wouldn’t he let it?

Rey stood. Ben’s stare was glued to hers, never leaving as she backed away from him. Her movements gave off a come-hither vibe, and Ben was soon stalking after her. He cornered her against the cabinets, just to the right of the sink.

Ben went down on his knees, her pajama pants and underwear coming down easily, a puddle of fabric left on the floor. He tugged at her shirt next; she swept it off. She wasn’t wearing a bra.

His lips were velvet soft as they moved across the skin of her stomach. Ben loved touching her, Rey had come to quickly realize. In bed or watching a movie, cooking or eating, he was always making contact with her body in some way.

With her naked before him, his hands traveled the curve of her hips like a warm summer breeze, roaming over the swell of her breasts, cupping the roundness of her ass. He hooked an arm under her leg and swung it over his shoulder. His mouth on her sex was so good, too good as he licked and sucked and worked her out till she was shamelessly moaning his name.

He rolled her tight nipple between his fingers, and Rey became lost to all the sensations.

She came once. Twice.

Ben would’ve gone for a third, but Rey jerked herself away from him.

“I know you’ve been playing it safe. Don’t,” Rey said hoarsely. His blazing gaze flared so wide, the whites around those pupils gleamed like moonlight. “Let go. Fuck me like you want to.” She took in a deep breath. He licked his lips. “I trust you. Completely.”

Ben just stared at her, which meant Rey was making some serious headway in convincing him.

Maybe he needed more than just words.

Rey slid a hand down her midsection, cupping her own sex, inserting two fingers. “You want to be inside of me?”

“Yes,” came the growl.

Ben went to his feet and took hold of Rey by both shoulders, yanking her forward. There was nothing slow or shy about the way he kissed her. It was full speed ahead, tongue pushing inside, that large body thrusting hips and an erection the size of a baseball bat into Rey and forcing her to bend backwards.

_Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes…._

It was a case of hold-on-for-dear-life as Rey was devoured, the power and hunger in Ben the kind of thing that was as overwhelming as it was perfect and definitely wanted.

Scratch that – _needed._

Everything was a blur as Rey was spun around and bent over the counter, a heavy hand forcing her to stay down in between her shoulder blades. Ben kept rubbing up against her ass. She could hear he was already panting.

“If you want me to stop, say it right now.”

“Keep going,” she said desperately, left cheek squished against the cool marble. “Please, God... do whatever you want.”

A blunt head probed her folds, lining up–

The way he filled her was hard and very deep.

The pummeling verged on the edge of violence.

The act was a thing of dreams.

Ben didn’t stop. If anything he gained momentum.

Wrapping one arm around her midsection, he cushioned her hips from ramming continuously against the edge of the counter. The other hand was tight on her shoulder, an extra attempt to keep her in place, but even he had a hard time against his own strength.

There was a flash of a moment where Ben adjusted his stance and then pistoned, their flesh slapping together, Rey’s head almost banging into one of those plastic canisters that held sugar and flour. She swiped them away. One fell to the floor.

Throwing out her hands, she placed her palms on the wall below the cabinets. She would prefer not to ruin the moment by getting a head or neck injury.

“Touch yourself,” Ben ordered.

His hold on her tightened so she could bring her right hand to her clit. She instantly came, three quick rubs all that was needed. Her orgasm was so intense, she had to clamp her molars together, feeling the sting all the way to the top of her skull and radiating through her ears.

Ben came right after her, his jerky movements and loud moans a telltale sign of his release.

But he wasn’t done.

()()()()()

Ben was starved for her. There was no other way of putting it.

Even after the sex they had, finishing in her, he was ready to go again.

_Rightfuckingnow._

He pulled on her ponytail and spun her around, tugging so her head arched back and she had no choice but to look up at him. Clamping a hand on the front of her throat, he squeezed just enough to make her work for air and her face to redden.

He loosened the pressure, then reapplied it, repeating.

“Is this how you want it?” he snarled.

Her eyes got hot, her head only able to move an inch, but he could see that it was a nod of consent. Shoving her hand between them, she found his cock, her strokes more along the lines of roughing him up than being gentle.

He fucking loved it.

Their mouths meshed together, sloppy and uncoordinated, both needing more of the other person. Keeping her in place by her throat, he nipped, licked, sucked down her neck and chest and took her nipples greedily into his mouth, switching his attention between both.

God, he couldn’t get enough of her hands in his hair.

With his free hand, he went to her center, her hot cunt feverish and swollen and dripping wet. Rey took his four fingers easily. She tried moving, to seek out the friction.

Ben changed tactics.

He palmed both her ass cheeks and lifted her off the counter, her legs reflexively going around him. Ben had the bed in mind for the next part.

He didn’t have the patience to get there.

Four steps and he already needed to be in her. He angled her off of him just enough to be able to enter in a single, powerful thrust that drove them both into the wall, Rey grunting from the impact.

Then he was kissing her as he pumped, his mouth full of demand, his cock hard as steel, his body and hands rough and greedy.

She came with a scream. Ben followed with her name on his lips.

They didn’t move, Rey’s back glued to the wall, his forehead resting against hers. Ben was breathing so hard that his front teeth were whistling, and Rey was nothing but harsh inhales as well.

“Please, for the love of God” –Rey took a deep breath– “fuck me like that more often.”

“How did you know I’ve been holding back?”

“A feeling. Like something was missing about you. Or you wanted more.”

“I always want more,” he said softly, the tip of his nose rubbing lightly against hers.

She craned her head up, as if she could catch his lips. “I’m open to trying anything… with you.”

“Anything?”

She smiled. “Let your imagination run wild.”

He swallowed. “Even if… even if what I want to do to you comes off as degrading?”

“It’s not degrading if I consent to it. And you already know I like it when you’re domineering. Tie me up, make me beg, spank me, shove your cock down my throat – whatever. We can even work up to you fucking me in the ass–” Rey noticed the way Ben perked up at that suggestion. The laugh she gave out was a sultry one. “Oh, you like that idea, don’t you?” She cupped the back of his neck, thumb moving up and down his jugular. “It’s okay, no need to be embarrassed.”

If Ben’s face weren’t already flushed, his blush would’ve been a lot more obvious. “I… I do want to do those things to you.”

The kiss she gave him was light and sensual. “Good,” she said, breath fanning across his mouth. “Because I want you to.”

When his legs started moving, holding Rey tightly against his body, he made a stop at the bathroom. They cleaned off in the shower, touching with affectionate hands, expressing sweet words between them. The talking soon shifted to conversations about the zoo and the work orders she still needed to send in and what to expect from this bowling shindig the following week.

It was so domestic – they’d been fucking like animals a mere thirty minutes ago and were now back at the table, sitting across from each other as they focused on their individual jobs.

It was normalcy. Comfort. Everything Ben had ever wanted with another person. And he wanted it to be permanent.

Ben kept glancing up. Rey was typing, her hardened focus solely on her laptop. When it seemed like she was about done, Ben found himself blurting out a question.

“Why don’t you ever go home?” The _tap, tap, tap_ from the keyboard halted, Rey’s eyes meeting his. Ben was mortified, frozen for a moment as he realized what just came out of his mouth. “Fuck, that came out wrong. That’s not what I meant. I…. What I meant to say was you – we – we never spend the night apart from each other.”

He swallowed, but couldn’t dislodge the huge lump in his throat. There was no coming back from that. He would have to leave town, cast off his identity and start his life somewhere new. How something so stupid could slip out–

Rey lightly chuckled, eyes alight with amusement. “Umm… Is that, like… are you wondering why we don’t spend more time at my place? Is that what you’re saying?”

“Kind of.” Ben paused. Shook his head, face on fire from embarrassment. “I don’t know. Forget I said anything.”

His gaze went down to his book, hoping they could both pretend like none of that ever happened.

But Rey’s soft voice broke through the silence. “I like being here with you.”

Ben snapped his attention to her and spoke quickly, horrified that she might have gotten the wrong impression. “God, please don’t think I’m trying to kick you out or anything. I want you here. I want you here all the time. I don’t ever want you to ever leave. What I said, just scrub it from your brain. And – and what I was thinking didn’t translate well into words. Or I’m just an idiot. Probably the latter. No, definitely the latter.”

The corner of her mouth curled up. “I don’t want to leave either. I love how this place feels…” Her eyes roamed around. “I don’t know. Like, our own little space or something.”

Rey was taking this all so well. Like, really well. It was… surprising.

Ben raked a hand through his hair, willing his heart rate to slow down. “I know what you mean…. And the truth is, I don’t want it to ever end.”

Rey closed her laptop, her elbows resting on the table as she gazed at him. “Then how about it doesn’t.”

“Hey, I’m all for that.” Ben laughed – more in an effort to release nervous energy – and swept his hands out to his apartment. “Move in if you want to.”

“Okay.” Rey’s cheeks dimpled from her wide smile. “I’ve been thinking about selling the brownstone anyway.”

Ben laughed some more, but it died away when he noticed Rey wasn’t joining in. “Wait. You’re serious?”

“Were you not serious?”

“No, I was. I mean, I said it like a joke because I didn’t think… I didn’t want to come across as, like, needy or something. Or pushy. Or screw everything up by scaring you away. But living together, that was what I was trying to say when I asked you about not going home. It all got jumbled in my brain and I….” Ben teetered off. “God, you really want to live with me?”

Rey nodded and shrugged. “I mean, really, if you look at it, we already live together. Most of my clothes are here, my makeup is in your bathroom, my snacks are in your pantry…. I know it’s way too soon to be talking about it. But, I don’t know… when have we ever conformed to societal standards? And I kind of like that we don’t. I’m sick of not doing what I want and then wondering why I’m not happy. This is our relationship, not someone else's. Also, it might take me awhile to sell my place. I could move in after that. That way, we can become more used to the idea and plan for it.”

“I’m used to it,” Ben said a little too quickly; too eagerly. But to hell with pride. “I don’t need more time to think about it.”

Rey chuckled lightly, the sound fading. “You never know. What if I sell my place and something happens and we decide not to live together?”

“I can’t imagine something happening that is substantial enough to make us change our minds.”

“I guess I just like to be prepared for anything. I like to have a plan B, C, and D. So in case something does happen – I know you say it won’t, but just in case – I can always find somewhere else to live. Kay’s building has people moving out all the time.”

Ben was quite confident nothing would get in the way of this decision. Everything was out in the open between them. There were no more skeletons in the closet.

Ben leaned forward, resting his crossed arms on the table. “So... no matter what, you’re selling the brownstone, though?”

Rey sighed, sitting back in the chair. “Yeah. I think it’s time, you know? I love the place and the memories, but I feel like I need to move on. Part of me stays there because of Poe. Like the walls are somehow keeping a part of him alive or something and… and I can’t keep going on like that. Sometimes I feel like I’m living in a tomb, even though I put all of his stuff in storage. But my mind keeps seeing his coat hanging on the rack by the door, or where he hung pictures of himself in the living room. His room only has a couple filing cabinets in it, but every time I go in there….”

“You feel like you’re stuck in the past,” Ben finished for her.

“Sometimes, yeah.” She was lost in thought before her demeanor did a complete turnaround. She stood from the chair, suddenly full of energy, a grin languidly commandeering her lips. “But right now, I don’t feel like that.” She came to him, pulling on his hand, beckoning him to follow her into the living room. “Right now, I’m thinking about our future… and which mission we’ll do together on _Elder Scrolls_. I think we’re both in need of a break.”

Rey handed him his Xbox controls as they sat next to each other on the sofa, her head resting on his shoulder. They had time to smooth over the details of living together and selling her brownstone. They weren’t in a rush. He knew that it was such a big step for her to let go of something her and Poe had shared. And he could tell she didn’t want to think about that anymore tonight. Right now, she just wanted to relax for a bit, play a video game, and leave the adult responsibilities for later.

Ben could relate to such a feeling.

“We still need to free those hostages from the Seaside Sanctuary so I can level up and help you in the Falinesti Cave,” Ben pointed out, recalling where they last left off. “Probably should switch over to the inferno staff for that one.”

Rey craned her head back, giving him a saucy look. “I love when you talk nerdy to me.”

“Ar ni mel tye,” Ben murmured back.

“Uh…. Alohomora?”

Ben chuckled. “I just said, “And I love you,” in Elvish.”

Rey leaned back so she could get a better look at him. “Oh. I thought you were doing some kind of Harry Potter foreplay. You know Elvish?”

“Quenya, more specifically. From–”

“ _Lord of the Rings_. Yeah, I know.”

Of course she did.

“Not something I advertise to people,” Ben said with a shrug, hoping she didn’t think he was a weirdo or something. “It’s, uh, kind of odd that I taught myself a language that doesn’t really exist.”

There was a beat where they just stared at each other, the music from the game’s loading page filling the room. Then Rey grabbed his head and was kissing him, pushing him back on the sofa till she was on top of him. Her lips trailed down his jaw to his neck.

In somewhat of a daze, Ben asked, “Um, the game?”

“Game’s on pause.” She nibbled at his ear. His hands squeezed her ass, making her move on top of him, creating friction. “Say something else in Quenya.”

Ben spent the next ten minutes saying whatever popped into his head. Rey remained oblivious of the translations as she pulled down his sweats and rode him, reaching her peak twice before he finally shattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are Ben and Rey moving a little quickly? By most people's standards, that would be a yes. But hey, they do what they want. They're adults and in their thirties. I have no control over what they want to do. lol.
> 
> I know you're all wondering when will the reveal happen. It's soon. Like, couple of chapters maybe? Unless my muse wants me to write some more scenes between now and getting there. We shall see! So far, everything is going according to plan. Muahahahaha!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


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